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By Smaktakula

This Crafty Homunculus Devised A Way To Ensure He Was Molested By The Babysitter Every Time.

People said Mark Anthony Richardson, Jr. was stupid.  A loser.  A Do-nothing.  The authorities called him a firebug, and no less than his own mother claimed that her 21-year-old son “lives in a fantasy.”  And yet somehow, this much-maligned misanthrope managed to pull off –literally–one of the cleverest acts of pervertry heretofore seen in America.  But like the similarly-named Roman general of historical renown, Mark Anthony flew too far too fast, and came plunging to earth.* The Oklahoma City man now faces one count of sexual battery and seven counts of outraging public decency.

The plan seemed foolproof.  Mark Anthony responded to Craigslist babysitter postings by posing as a man named David who needed care for his severely autistic adult son, Alex.  Alex still wore diapers, David explained, and would need someone to change him.  Mark Anthony, who stands a Hobbit-like 4’9″, would also play the feeble-minded “Alex.”

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The unsuspecting babysitters, believing him severely disabled, were happy to oblige the pint-sized pervert, even when he showed up in a taxi at 2:00 AM, naked but for a soiled diaper.  Mark Anthony was nothing, if not committed.

The midget’s ingenious ruse lasted for some time, during which babysitters changed his diapers no fewer than seven times.  Once, on an overnight stay, Mark Anthony was able to cop a feel from his babysitter’s eighteen-year-old daughter.  When the daughter awoke and complained to her mother, she was told that the diminutive groper couldn’t help himself, and to just go back to sleep.  It seemed that Mark Anthony had found the million-dollar secret.

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But beauty is ephemeral, and so too are beautiful things.  Gradually, the babysitters became concerned when Mark Anthony would repeatedly became sexually aroused during the changing, and would sometimes run away, forcing his victims to tackle him.  It was not long before the authorities entered the picture.

The tiny freak’s mother, who spoke to the press on the condition that her name not be used, acknowledged that Mark Anthony–on probation for a 2008 arson conviction–has “some mental disabilities,” and that her son needs to be institutionalized.  She also indicated that she hoped no one would ask how so handicapped an individual, and presumably in her care, could be out at night committing crimes without her being aware.

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The party’s over for Mark Anthony Richardson.  If he is convicted–and given the evidence against him, acquittal is unlikely–the puny creep will be forced to register as a sex offender, and so will end any chance he might have had of repeating his clever acts of ribaldry.  But others, with records as-yet unblemished by sex crimes, may still assume the mantle which has been so rudely torn from Richardson.  In this way, the shrimpy weirdo’s filthy burst of ingenuity should not be viewed in terms of his sad fate, as it is the fate of only one man.  Rather, see his Christ-like sacrifice as necessary to promulgate the Good News of his message.  Dirty little Mark Anthony has struck a victory for us all.

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*Icarus.  You’re thinking of Icarus. ∞T.