Tag Archives: pervert

World’s Youngest Grandmother Has Some Regrets

06 Friday May 2011

Posted by in Culture, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Lots Of People Throw Away Their Lives As Teenagers; At Least She Did It For Love.

Twenty-three-year-old Rifca Stanescu had mixed emotions regarding the coming of her first grandson.  Of course she was happy for her twelve-year-old daughter on the birth of her child, but couldn’t help wishing that the girl had waited a few years before following Rifca’s example and throwing her life down the toilet.*

National Geographic's Hard-Hitting Profile Of Romany Culture.

Stanescu can take some satisfaction that her daughter will grow up in an age where she is able to  make her own choices, such as the decision to marry her husband at age 10.  Rifca Stanescu didn’t get to make that choice.  When at 11, her family refused the marriage proposal of her future husband’s family, she was kidnapped and raped, which in Romany (the universally beloved folk formerly known as the Gypsies) culture, apparently means you’re married.

Mishka Is Just Thrilled That She Still Fits Into This Old Thing.

*It is not accidental that Smaktakula employs the verb form of ‘throw’ rather than ‘flush.’  In fact, Romania does not yet have flush toilets. ∞T.

Cunning Runt Realizes Babysitter Fantasy

02 Wednesday Feb 2011

Posted by in News

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By Smaktakula

This Crafty Homunculus Devised A Way To Ensure He Was Molested By The Babysitter Every Time.

People said Mark Anthony Richardson, Jr. was stupid.  A loser.  A Do-nothing.  The authorities called him a firebug, and no less than his own mother claimed that her 21-year-old son “lives in a fantasy.”  And yet somehow, this much-maligned misanthrope managed to pull off –literally–one of the cleverest acts of pervertry heretofore seen in America.  But like the similarly-named Roman general of historical renown, Mark Anthony flew too far too fast, and came plunging to earth.* The Oklahoma City man now faces one count of sexual battery and seven counts of outraging public decency.

The plan seemed foolproof.  Mark Anthony responded to Craigslist babysitter postings by posing as a man named David who needed care for his severely autistic adult son, Alex.  Alex still wore diapers, David explained, and would need someone to change him.  Mark Anthony, who stands a Hobbit-like 4’9″, would also play the feeble-minded “Alex.”

The Tiresome Singer Is Culpable For Myriad Crimes, But Babysitter Groping Isn't Among Them.

The unsuspecting babysitters, believing him severely disabled, were happy to oblige the pint-sized pervert, even when he showed up in a taxi at 2:00 AM, naked but for a soiled diaper.  Mark Anthony was nothing, if not committed.

The midget’s ingenious ruse lasted for some time, during which babysitters changed his diapers no fewer than seven times.  Once, on an overnight stay, Mark Anthony was able to cop a feel from his babysitter’s eighteen-year-old daughter.  When the daughter awoke and complained to her mother, she was told that the diminutive groper couldn’t help himself, and to just go back to sleep.  It seemed that Mark Anthony had found the million-dollar secret.

That Mullet Could Not Have Given A Clearer Indication Of What Was To Come.

But beauty is ephemeral, and so too are beautiful things.  Gradually, the babysitters became concerned when Mark Anthony would repeatedly became sexually aroused during the changing, and would sometimes run away, forcing his victims to tackle him.  It was not long before the authorities entered the picture.

The tiny freak’s mother, who spoke to the press on the condition that her name not be used, acknowledged that Mark Anthony–on probation for a 2008 arson conviction–has “some mental disabilities,” and that her son needs to be institutionalized.  She also indicated that she hoped no one would ask how so handicapped an individual, and presumably in her care, could be out at night committing crimes without her being aware.

"Houston, I'm Doin' #1 Right Now!" Astronauts Also Wear Diapers, But For A Different Reason.

The party’s over for Mark Anthony Richardson.  If he is convicted–and given the evidence against him, acquittal is unlikely–the puny creep will be forced to register as a sex offender, and so will end any chance he might have had of repeating his clever acts of ribaldry.  But others, with records as-yet unblemished by sex crimes, may still assume the mantle which has been so rudely torn from Richardson.  In this way, the shrimpy weirdo’s filthy burst of ingenuity should not be viewed in terms of his sad fate, as it is the fate of only one man.  Rather, see his Christ-like sacrifice as necessary to promulgate the Good News of his message.  Dirty little Mark Anthony has struck a victory for us all.

Laugh All You Want. Dressing Like This Makes Smaktakula More Comfortable.

*Icarus.  You’re thinking of Icarus. ∞T.

Aging With Dignity: Men

16 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Many male Baby Boomers are now grandfathers.  Unwilling to relegate themselves to the fusty geriatric-wear favored by their grandfathers, the men of the Woodstock Generation understandably want to do things their way.

To look the part of a grandfather in  days of yore, it was enough that a man had thinning hair and pants that were belted just below his man-boobs.  Today’s granddad chooses to advertise.  There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your grandchildren, but as with almost any sentiment, some means of expression are more appropriate than others.

RIGHT:

How Sweet! Somebody Must Love Her Granddad An Awful Lot!

WRONG:

You're Trying Too Hard. And The Thing About Your Looks Is Creepy.

EVEN WRONGER:

Children: Kick Him In The Nuts And Then Quickly Find An Adult.

Commercials We Do Not Like: A1 Steak Sauce

29 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Now With More Chutney!

A1 Steak Sauce, which first reached American shores in the late 19th Century, has become a restaurant staple.  The surprisingly addictive brown sludge–which contains among other ingredients: dates, vinegar, mango chutney and apples– can be found next to the napkin dispenser on grimy tables across this great land.

Although there are certainly better steak sauces on the market, the fact that every year steaks are covered in enough A1 to fill Lake Superior is evidence of the regard in which the food-like product is held.  Despite having all the flavor subtlety of a semi careening through the living room wall, A1 doesn’t suck.

In One A1 Campaign The Announcer Boasts "I Have Actually Wept Over A Steak." Really? Because That Makes You Either A Hindu Or A Pussy. We Don't See Any Dot On Your Forehead.

Sadly, the same cannot be said for A1’s commercials.  For over twenty years the company’s executives have been greenlighting commercials which could not possibly appeal to any sort of discerning taste.  Marketing a mid-range product to a host of desperate hut-dwellers is not unlike pushing Showtime on a Cinemax audience–they’re just not ready for it.

This first commercial highlights A1’s apparent target audience: the shapeless ignoramus.  A1 presents as a virtue the protagonist’s unfathomable stupidity in addition to his complete disregard for his own safety, when at the end he asks about the welfare of a steak which will never cross his lips.

In the sauce giant’s most recent campaign,  A1 juxtaposes images of  Meatloaf, the grotesque singing oddity of yesteryear, and meatloaf, the meat-based comestible.  This apparently in the mistaken belief that watching a lumpy has-been grunt over his meat before lip-synching  to a mangled version of one of his few hits will be in any way appetizing to all but the most lonely fetishists.

As we have seen, A1 now focuses a significant portion of its advertising on individuals with aberrant personalities.  But what about the truly damaged?  A1 especially wants them.  Witness this appeal not only to dangerous sociopaths, but the victims upon whom they prey who refuse to see themselves as anything but helpless.  Enjoy!

In this A1 offering from yesteryear, one family’s creepy uncle (and Dick Cavett doppelgänger) ruins yet another get-together when he becomes orgasmic over A1:  My dear nephew, what is hamburger–chopped ham?  NO!  It’s chopped steak.  And what’s better on steak than . . . A1? This occasion marked the last time that Uncle Chester was asked over to the house.  Not because he was giddy for steak sauce, but because of the way his hands always seemed to linger too long on Joey.

A1 boasts that it was originally the condiment of kings, and would have consumers believe that a little bit of that royal awesomeness can still be found within each and every bottle of A1.  However, their advertising speaks to a completely different class of person, one which shares a single characteristic with the 19th Century European Royalty for whom the sauce was concocted, an appreciation for sexual congress between  first cousins.

Although this last commercial cannot truly be counted among the A1 Canon, if it were, it would be under the heading “Commercials We Like.”

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose.  See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time.  Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved?  Thank you so much, Mike Meyers.  You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you.  The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa.  Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission.  While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search.  Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life.  Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here.  Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger.  The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang!  Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking.  Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave  Smaktakula may have attended one of these.  As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption  We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting.  Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New?  Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky.  We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive.  It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass.  Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will.  Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah!  A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop.  While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off.  The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny.  Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish.  There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink.  Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes.  You think this is easy?  You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities?  Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker.  But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

Facebook Is Looking For Promethean Times As We Speak. Share This!

Actor Jeffrey Jones’ Interest In Underage Boys Is Touching

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Prison Culture, Relationships, Scandal

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Actor and pederast Jeffrey Jones, featured in such modern classics as Howard the Duck and How High, has once again run afoul of the law.  Apparently, the in-demand actor has been so busy learning his lines, he sometimes forgets that he’s a voracious short eyes, constantly on the prowl for his next catamite.  This aberrant compulsion makes the talented thespian a very real danger to the community, and as such, Jones must register as a sex offender wherever he goes.     

Jones has now twice failed to do that.          

Is There A Single Detail About This Man That DOESN'T Scream "Run Away?"

Wanna Be In ‘Mom And Dad Save The World 2?’: ‘Ferris Bueller’ actor faces felony charge in LA.     

Smaktakula

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