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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Roger Ebert

Headlines: Achtung, Maybe!

10 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics

≈ 26 Comments

Tags

ADHD, anti-semitism, Aryans, bad parents, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, cannabis, death by cop, death by gun, dope, Erin Moran, FDR, grass, great white shark, Happy Days, headlines, hemp, Idaho, illiteracy, indolence, Jews, marijuana, North Korea, Obamacare, Panda Express, police brutality, reefer, Reichstag Fire, Roger Ebert, safe sex, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, sweet sweet cheeba, Teen Mom, weed, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

This One Practically Writes Itself, Which Is Good, Because Mocking This Wretch Would Be Like Stealing Lunch Money From A Down Syndrome Kid.

In which we champion the twin virtues of indolence and illiteracy by commenting on the day’s headlines without knowing a thing about them.

***

Help! I Caught My Landlord in a Compromising Position With His Dog. ~ And now I live rent-free.

Shooting victim left infant alone while she went to bar ~She felt that a bar was too dangerous an environment for her child, a wise decision in light of subsequent events. That’s called good parenting.

How not to say the wrong thing ~ By keeping your fucking mouth shut. Seriously, it works nearly 100% of the time.

Lost World War II Bomber Crew Found After 69 Years ~ Oh man, they are PISSED!

Target dress apology: ‘Manatee gray’ plus-size dress vanishes ~ Target has renamed the offensive style ‘Koala Gray,’ and will soon be stocking it alongside existing styles School-Bus Yellow, Behemoth Blue, the Limited Edition Black-on-White Lady Shamu™, and the best-selling Chok’lit Jabba.

Why Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Reviewer ~ That’s the working title for Connie Rubin’s new erotic memoir!

“That’s…NGH!…That’s One! Give Me More, Roger! Give…NGGGH!…Yes! Yes, That’s It! Two! Two Thumbs Up!”

Police look at nude maids ~ Well, ‘looking at’ is what they’re for, right? For housework, though, you’ll want to get yourself a fully clothed maid.

Idaho teacher who used word ‘vagina’ during biology lesson faces reprimand ~ If’n you want to talk about Vagina or even West Vagina in your geographology class, well that’s one thing. But biology class is for talkin’ about cooters and wangs.

Officials: 9-year-old mother is at least 12 ~ Why, that lying little whore!

Overeating in children may be linked to drug use ~ Specifically, drugs used to treat diabetes, hypertension and acne.

Woman who swims with Great White sharks ~ Will soon become their chum.

What FDR said about Jews in private ~ Like most everybody else, he thought they were lazy, physically-imposing brutes with no financial sense whatsoever.

Because Being A Really Lousy Bigot Is Just Like Not Being A Bigot At All.

‘Teen Mom’ Star Expecting Another Baby & It’s Not Especially Good News ~ Oh, really? Why do you say that?

Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ “I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”

Can Bad Parenting Cause ADHD ~ Well, bad parenting can produce lazy, inattentive children, so yes.

Report: ‘Happy Days’ star Erin Moran drinking in motel parking lots, offering back rubs ~ This week she’ll be at the Exit 10 Econo-Lodge on Old 99. If you want a little something special, ask for the “Chachi.”

5 Worst Mistakes Women Make in Bed ~ You know, like 80% of the time, the worst mistake is getting into bed in the first place.

The Aryans Are Coming ~ We’ve been here for a while now, bro. We’re just lying low and biding our time until another Reichstag Fire comes along.

SOON!

Why People Create Fake Relationships ~ So their pathetic, joyless lives appear slightly less pathetic and joyless. We thought that was obvious.

Safe sex does NOT diminish pleasure… ~ These words could only have been written by a woman or a lying man.

Watch your tongue, North Korea warns South’s new leader ~ “Or we’ll eat it! Seriously, we’re dealing with one heck of a food shortage right now, guys.”

A Labor Union Hopes Medical Marijuana Will Cure Its Ills ~ We bet it will. Weed fixes just about everything.

How Panda Express brings Chinese food to the mall ~ Inauthentically!

Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.

Never Forget That You’re An Integral Part Of The Political Process.

Parents Discover Daughter’s Death on Facebook ~ So you guys were pretty close, huh?

This Isn’t Candid Camera, It’s a Science Project ~ “So take your clothes off. No, really–it’s for science. And yes, me touching myself is all part of the experiment.”

Report: Man spent $1K on strippers, said he was robbed ~ There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation: he thought they were prostitutes.

Jason Gay: 23 Rules of the Office Holiday Party ~ Rule #1: Change that name, Jason.

Texas DA found dead 2 months after assistant slain ~ So we guess we can cross the assistant off the suspect list.

3 ways for Cardinal Dolan to show his ‘love’ for gay people ~ Sure–a few three-ways would send a bold message for gay tolerance, but is that sort of behavior in keeping with Catholic doctrine?

If Your Intention Was To Make Me Think Inappropriate Thoughts About The Former Pope, Then Mission Accomplished!

Somehow–Some Way–We Will Go On

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Literature, News

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Africa, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, Chinua Acbebe, famous for nothing, film critics, low-brow entertainment, reality television, Roger Ebert, Shane Gandee, Things Fall Apart, those who can't do become critics

By Smaktakula

“Now Who Will Tell Me What To Think Of The Movies I Watch?”

The world has lost two very special people in recent days, both of whom made significant contributions to popular culture and the arts. There will be others who will follow in the trails these men blazed and perhaps forge paths of their own, leading us into mysterious lands yet undreamed. But never again will we see the likes of these two.

Shane Gandee: The cretinous reality TV yob is believed to have perished along with two other yokels of carbon monoxide poisoning.

His Corpse Was Discovered In A Twenty-Year-Old Pickup Partially Submerged In Mud, So You Know He Died Doing What He Loved, Y’All.

Roger Ebert: The beloved film critic and prosthetics enthusiast succumbed to a lengthy battle with cancer.

After Penning The Cult Oddity “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” Ebert Realized His Was Genius Lay Not In Creating Films, But In Telling People How To Feel About Films Other People Created.

Goodbye, dear friends, goodbye. The arts are poorer for your loss.

Also, for the sake of completeness, some dude from Africa, Chinua Achebe, kicked off a couple of weeks ago. No, we hadn’t heard of him either–he wrote a book or something.

Well, Sure–He May Have Been The Greatest Literary Voice In The History Of An Entire Continent, But Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Critic In The Whole World.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Christianity, Claymation, crazy people, Davey & Goliath, death by automobile, death by drunk driving, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Gay Pride Parade, God Hates Fags, homosexuality, IEDs, Kansas, New York, New York City, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Westboro Baptist Church, Wizard of Oz, yokels

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

World Stunned By Death Of ‘Jackass’ Jackass

21 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

death by automobile, foolish choices, Jackass, jackassery, live fast die young, MTV, Philadelphia, poor judgement, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Live By The Sword . . . There's More, We Think, But That's All We Recall At The Moment.

Ryan Dunn, of Jackass fame, was killed early Monday morning when his Porsche collided with a tree in suburban Philadelphia.  A passenger in Dunn’s vehicle was also killed in the crash, but details on the person’s identity have been slow in coming, presumably because he or she was not a celebrity and therefore suffered a non-newsworthy death.

They Might If They Were Jackasses Themselves.

The 34-year-old star of MTV’s Jackass was best known for ridiculous and dangerous stunts, the kind which are most often accompanied by boldfaced warnings not to try this at home.  Although initial police reports indicate that the actor may have been travelling at excessive speed, those close to the reality star contend that such irresponsible and potentially life-threatening behavior would be completely out of character for Dunn.

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