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Category Archives: Military

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Even Littler Kim

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, History, Military, Mythology, Politics, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, California, comical despots, fun with stereotypes, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Curly-jo, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un is batshit crazy, Kim Larry-il, meet tomorrow's tyrants today, Nintendo, North Korea, Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!, third generation tyrants

By Smaktakula

The question of succession in North Korea weighs heavily on heads of state across the globe.  This is particularly true for neighbors of the belligerent Asian nation, who fear the possible future of a North Korea even more despotic and mercurial than the current regime.

Meet the Brilliant Comrade, Kim Jong-un.  Born sometime around 1982 or 1983, Kim Jong-il’s youngest son and chosen successor is said to be very much like his father in temperament and tastes, meaning he is a megalomaniacal, avaricious dickball perfectly suited to lord over North Korea during the stupefying ruination of the impoverished third-world hellhole.

There is some danger of a power struggle after the elder Kim dies.  Not only does the Brilliant Comrade face treachery on the military front from upstart generals grown weary of Clan Kim’s wacky rule, but also internecine connivance from passed-over older brothers, Kim Larry-il and Kim Curly-jo.

This is one of the few pictures of ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim known to exist.

"Do You Rike . . . Nintendo?"

Update: Within five minutes of the picture’s publication, authorities received over five hundred calls from citizens who claimed they had spotted Kim Jong-un.  The vast majority of these erroneous sightings–and in one or two cases false imprisonment–occurred in Orange and Los Angeles County shopping malls.

This Day In History: August 9, 1945 CE

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Crime, Culture, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

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atomic bomb, August 9, Bockscar, catastrophe, Fat Man, harsh response, if something's not funny the first time maybe it will be the second, Japan, Japanese Surrender, man-made disaster, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, nuclear explosion, Theory of Moral Relativity, this day in history, United States Army, United States of America, US Army Air Corps, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World War II

On which OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN!  AGAIN WITH THE BOMBING!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Okay. Now We're Done.

Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Albert Einstein, atomic bomb, Axis Powers, Bockscar, decision to drop the bomb, easy choice, Enola Gay, Fat Man, General Tojo, Germany, hard choice, Harry S Truman, Hiroshima, Japan, Little Boy, Nagasaki, Theory of Moral Relativity, United States Army, war of attrition, war-weariness, World War II

By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly.  Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East.  Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high.  Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts.  Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options.  The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure.   The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a  beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior.  The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition.  By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public.  Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two.  Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"

This Day In History: August 6, 1945 CE

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

08:15, atomic bomb, August 6, Enola Gay, harsh response, Hiroshima, Japan, Juro sucks so bad it isn't even funny, Little Boy, Manhattan Project, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, Pacific Theater, Rising Sun, ruined birthday parties, Say hello to my little friend, Smaktakula got notebook paper one year for his birthday so he kind of knows how it feels, that song by OMD, this day in history, United States Army, US Army Air Corps, War with Japan, World War II

On which Hiro Okada has the shittiest birthday ever.

"Fuuuuuck Yooooou, Juro!"

 “Yeah, my apartment is trashed.  I’m gonna go crash at my sister’s place in Nagasaki for a few days.”

This Day In History: July 14, 1789 CE

14 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Europe, General Foolishness, History, Human Rights, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Politics, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1789, Bastille Day, France, French Revolution, Frogs, Jerry Lewis, July 14th, Louis Capet, Paris, revolutionaries, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, snails, Storming of the Bastille, The Terror, this day in history

On which angry French demonstrators storm the Bastille in Paris, serving Louis XVI notice that le Horloge is ticking on his tyrannical reign.

In Fairness, They Thought It Was Full Of Snails And Jerry Lewis DVDs.

Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ailing nutjob, batshit crazy, Bucket-List Rambo, Colorado, crazy bastard, crazy fucker, death by exposure, drugs, Gary Brooks Faulkner, hashish, Nutty Buddy, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, patriots, reckoning, Terrorism, the last sentence is positively Faulknerean, This Ends Here!, Usama Bin Laden, vendettas

Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Military, Politics, Regional Politics, Relationships, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

all bark and no bite, comical despots, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, nuclear ambitions, paper tiger, sanctions, Secretary of State, that trick never works, United Nations, United States of America

The United Nations has signalled that it is once again ready to talk tough with Iran.  US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that the UN’s forthcoming sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program will be the most stringent yet.

It remains for posterity to judge the efficacy of not only these sanctions, but also the inevitable series of future sanctions.

Or, you could ask this gentleman:

Ooooh, The UN Gonna Put Sanctions On Me. I'm Rearry Scared!*

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula
*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype.  Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent.  Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty  when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.
For any readers who were offended, we suggest you examine your own motives.  It’s very likely you’re a racist.

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: D Day

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Europe, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

6 June 1944, Allies, Axis, Battle of Normandy, Canada, D Day, evil shenanigans, France, Frogs, Germany, Gold, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Jerry, Juno, Krauts, Normandy Invasion, Normandy Landing, Omaha, Operation Neptune, Operation Overlord, Sword, The Hun, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah

June 6, 1944: On Which The Hun Is Made To Understand That His Evil Shenanigans Will No Longer Be Tolerated.

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News Of The Duh: Hostile North Korea May Present Threat To Peace

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Duh, International Relations, Military, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

appeasement, batshit crazy, Cheonan, China, comical despots, Japan, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, News of the Duh, North Korea, So Ronery, South Korea, Team America: World Police, torpedo attack

The Leaders of Japan, South Korea and China held a summit recently to discuss North Korea’s unprovoked torpedo attack on the South Korean vessel, the Cheonan.

Apparently, one objective of the summit was to determine whether North Korea’s action, which resulted in the Cheonan’s sinking and the loss of 46 sailors, was a threat to peace.

They determined that it was.

So Ronery? Ronery Rike A Fox!

See These Three Wise Men Try To Find Their Posteriors With Both Hands And A Flashlight: BBC News – Asian trio say Cheonan sinking is threat to peace.

Smaktakula

Promethean Short Short Stories: The Battle Of Anticlimax

14 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Humor, Literature, Military, Movies, Mythology, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

anticlimactic stories, cliche, flash fiction, hibiscus, I got a bad feeling about this one, mangrove, optimism, pessimism, Promethean Short Short Stories

By Smaktakula

I got a bad feeling about this one, Sarge. 

The private’s eyes shone bright and innocent under the moonshadow cast by hibiscus-draped mangroves, hulking and gnarled with age. 

I’m gonna buy it out here.  I can feel it.  

A nightjar’s call pierced the chittering insect liturgy that was the land’s buzz-choked heartbeat.  The young man cried out at the sound.

Sarge’s voice twinkled with checked laughter: You’ll be fine, Kid.  I’ll bet you’re back home in Valley City before Thanksgiving.

Sure, the young man said, trying to imbue his words with a conviction he did not feel. 

And wouldn’t you know it?  Sarge was right: the war ended two days later and everyone involved lived happily ever after.

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