• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: football

North Korea: Crazy For The Orympics

20 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2018, competitive eating, football, Golf, happiness, impoverished third-world backwater, impoverished third-world hellhole, incredible sporting achievements, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, Olympics, places that suck, Soccer, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, Westchester County, Yemen

By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans.  Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

South Korea > North Korea

North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception.   Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking.  Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid.  Unsurprisingly,  South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.

The North Korean Power-Lifting Team Is The Pride Of Pyongyang.

Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung.  ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Goat Kicking: Shitty Country, Shitty Sports.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics.  Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

In Famine-Ravaged North Korea, This Qualifies As Pornography.

Ferret Legging

09 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Americans, Baseball, Basketball, bleeding genitals, blood sports, croquet, Duck Duck Goose, ferret legging, ferret-down-trousers, ferrets, football, hockey, lame sports, non-Americans, Soccer, Tetherball, vulgar non-sports, Yorkshire

By Smaktakula

Ferret Legging: Simultaneously A Sport And A Crime Against Nature.

Before the promulgation of worthwhile American sports such as baseball, football, basketball or hockey*, non-Americans were forced to content themselves with quasi-sports like croquet, Duck-Duck-Goose and soccer.  It’s no surprise then that these diversion-starved people began to invent their own increasingly bizarre ‘sports.’

However, the Yorkshire miners who in the 1970s invented ferret legging, also known as ferret-down-trousers, had no such excuse.  Although week after week, color television offered far safer and more athletically meritorious sports, the Yorkies designed a contest that very often results in bleeding genitals.

Why Not Try Tetherball? It's Just As Lame, But You Can Wear White Pants.

The rules of ferret legging are simple: participants trap ferrets in their pants and then see who can endure the longest as the needle-toothed weasels fight for trouser real estate.  Underwear is not permitted, and the pants must be such that the furred Slinkies can pass from leg to leg with ease.

Considered a dying sport, ferret legging has sought mightily to remain relevant in an age of much cooler sports.  Despite the hazards of a severed scrotum or perforated penis, ferret leggers take solace in the knowledge that however wretched their sport may be, it will always be a step above competitive eating.

This Is Hardly The Worst Creature You've Found Nuzzling Your Crotch.

*It’s American now, by God! ∞T.

Advent Of America A Pivotal Moment In Turkey History

25 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bald eagle, Benjamin Franklin, Chief Wahoo, Dallas Cowboys, eagles, football, hindsight is 20/20, Indians, national symbol, Native Americans, Thanksgiving, the first Thanksgiving, true meanings of holidays, turkeys, United States of America

By Smaktakula

Benjamin Franklin Played Many Roles: Inventor, Founding Father and World-Class Skonk. Understandably, He's Not So Much Remembered For The Turkey Thing.

If Founding Father Benjamin Franklin had his way, the role of turkeys in American society might be very different.  In writing a letter to his daughter, Franklin lamented that the eagle, rather than the turkey, was the new symbol of the young nation.

Comparing the turkey to the eagle, Franklin said:

“For the truth the Turkey is in comparison a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America.”

Hell No, Those Aren't Tumors! That's His Natural Beauty.

Had Franklin been more forceful, the turkey might today be the symbol of the United States.  Who knows?  In such a scenario, it’s likely that American’s would no longer find appetizing the thought of a turkey’s charred carcass, and instead might enjoy a traditional bald eagle egg omelette.

"The Very First Thanksgiving Was A Pivotal Moment For My People, One We Could Not Have Foreseen. Looking Back, Perhaps We Should Have Let The Newcomers Starve."

"YA THINK?"

Dudes–keep it down, the game’s on.  Let’s go, Cowboys!

Will Pirouette For Respect

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Music

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ballerinas, ballerinos, ballet, ballet as a metaphor, ballet-loving freaks, beer, danseurs, disc golf, football, get the gay out of ballet, heterosexuality, homosexuality, homosexuality in ballet, mime, pork rinds, professional wrestling, quasi-athlete, sports, We trust Wikipedia as far as we can throw it, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Ballet has long been known as both an aesthetic and athletic endeavor, entwining beauty and ability into a single art form.  In its physicality it is not unlike more traditional sports, and in fact requires a great deal more athletic ability than some so-called “sports.”   

Perpetuating The Cycle Of Violence: Someday She Will Do The Same To Her Daughter.

Despite this, the American public has never really gone for ballet.  Like mime or disc golf, ballet lives on through the efforts of a desperately fanatical cadre of aficionados and the largesse of wealthy benefactors.  Ballet’s primary demographic is the legion of nine year-old girls who comprise its base.             

And yet, people seem to understand instinctively that ballet is something to be admired.  It is often employed metaphorically when discussing natural phenomenon, such as the stars or the northern lights, in overblown phrases like “the majesty of the cosmic ballet.”  Even more ironically, the same people who would under no circumstances attend the ballet nevertheless attempt to lend a high-minded importance to football by invoking a comparison to ballet: athleticism as aestheticism.  It has even been used in an attempt to justify silly non-sports like professional wrestling.             

The "Mincing Our Way Into America's Heart" Campaign Was Not A Success.

Although only about 50% of male ballet dancers are gay,* the terms for male ballet dancers–danseur and ballerino–are 100% gay.   However, this only makes ballet a “gay” endeavor by the same logic that says football is a “straight” sport because it’s played largely (but by no means exclusively) by straight men.  Still, it doesn’t help sell ballet to the beer & pork rind crowd.             

Neither is ballet doing itself any favors by continuing to wrap danseurs in flesh-hugging leotards, thereby devolving them into heinous sausage-smugglers.  Juxtapose this fact with the title of the only ballet most Americans can name, The Nutcracker, and it’s easy to see why mainstream America has so far shied away from ballet.             

The Promethean Times Editorial Staff has come up with a slogan which the ballet industry is free to use as it chooses.  We hope it will finally shame Americans into embracing this venerable art form:            

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

       

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.   

Jeté To Facebook

Vulgar Non-Sport Allows Loveless Grotesqueries To Masquerade As Athletes

12 Monday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Americans, Baseball, Basketball, botulism, competitive eating, conspicuous consumption, Edward Gibbons, ESPN2, fat ass, fat people, football, gluttony, hockey, hot dogs, Ichiro, Joey Chestnut, Magic: The Gathering, Major League Eating, Matholympics, Nathan's, Spelling Bee, starving children, Steve Irwin, Takeru Kobayashi, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, The Tsunami, United States of America, waddling grotesquery, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

By Smaktakula

Those who derive a grim joy in heralding the West’s cultural decline must surely take delight in the sudden and troubling popularity of competitive eating.  For many years a quaint–if bizarre–swatch of Americana primarily relegated to county fairs, competitive eating has recently risen to a degree that many Americans are confusing it with an actual sport, and its wretched, talentless participants with athletes.  Worse still, statistics indicate an increase among young people who believe, erroneously,  that the ability to effortlessly slide a six-inch piece of meat down one’s throat is a skill with applications outside prison walls.

Replacing Nathan's Franks With 'Botulism Dogs' Would Do Wonders For The Gene Pool.

In the halcyon days of yesteryear, Americans were a happier, healthier people.  They lived lives which modern Americans would consider catastrophically dull, lacking the Internet, cell phones, flat screen 3D Televisions and indoor plumbing to which 21st Century Man has become inseparable.  They had neither the plethora of food choices available now, nor the glut of processed, modified or otherwise bastardized food-based products which will be coming out of American microwaves this evening.

They were a simpler, tougher breed, qualities reflected in the sports they played.  People who lived where it was cold and who spoke with funny accents played hockey.  Arrogant blueblood cocksuckers were sure to play lacrosse, and soccer found a foothold in the exotic immigrant enclaves on the East Coast.  Fellows who liked to kick shit often opted for bull riding.  For everybody else there was baseball, football and basketball.

Now, several converging trends have made it possible for a new breed of sporting event to come shuffling to the fore, one that eschews the outdated emphasis on athleticism, sportsmanship and dignity, instead concentrating solely on spectacle.

Joey Chestnut's Name May Conjure Images Of Mobsters, But Everything Else About This Ass-Clown Screams 'Douche.'

One important factor in opening the door for these exciting new athletic events is the increasingly sedentary nature of Americans.   When waddling down the base paths becomes too difficult or a lay-up must be interrupted by a short break for breath, it may become difficult to identify with “true” athletes, who with nothing more than a little luck, God-given talent and years upon years of practice, have healthy bodies which the average American can never hope to enjoy.

The most insidious factor in the rise of non-sport is surely Cable TV.  Before the advent of ESPN2, who exactly was aware of “sports” like the Spelling Bee, Magic: The Gathering or the Matholympics?

As insipid as those activities are, they pale beside the most odious and vulgar of the non-sports: competitive eating, a vile glorification of excess, of food not for nourishment, but for spectacle.

If The Love-Child Of Steve Irwin And Ichiro Lived Its Entire Life In A Cave Subsisting On Nothing But Slim-Jims And Pork Rinds, It Might Look Something Like Kobayashi.

What must the rest of the world, much of it malnourished, think of America’s sleight-of-hand in rendering a crapulent circus into athletic achievement?  Americans might be better served not by asking why so many foreign nationals are crossing their borders, but rather, why those same foreign nationals haven’t killed them in their sleep?

"What The Fuck Is Wrong With You People? Damn."

Perhaps the most tangible impact of this societal lymphoma is Major League Eating.  While it may seem bizarre, or perhaps even horrifying to hear the words Major and League attached to Eating, representatives of MLE were quick to point out that, prior to MLE, there had been no sanctioning body regulating competitive eating, an absence which they claim could have profoundly affected not only the sport’s traditions, but also its dignity.

CNN Can Think Of Only One Reason For America’s Ambivalence Toward Soccer

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Soccer, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

boring games, China, football, lame sports, low-scoring games, mullets, Soccer, soccer flops, soccer mullets, sports Americans do not like, sports juggernaut, The Beautiful Game, United Kingdom, United States Soccer, World Cup

Holy Mother Of God--Time Has Run Out! Why Has The Game Not Stopped? (Translated From The Italian)

        –It’s not because soccer is such a low-scoring game that matches are as futile as tether-ball for the blind.            

         –It’s not for lack of exposure to the game, as if trendy American parents haven’t been forcing soccer on their offspring for at least two generations.                

     –It apparently has nothing to do with the fact that the United States, a sports juggernaut, has never managed to field a World Cup men’s team able to muster better than a third-place finish (with those heady days of soccer glory being well-over half a century in the past).                

     –Nor is it due to the contact rules which encourage players to eschew their dignity and flop on the ground like hooked sturgeon when struck by anything harder than a stiff wind.                

    –It isn’t a reaction to effete europhiles who confuse soccer with the entirely dissimilar game of football.                

    –Amazingly, it has nothing to do with the shameful proliferation of mullets throughout the sport.               

This Is Considered An Acceptable Hairstyle In Soccer

No, according to CNN, America’s ambivalence to soccer isn’t for any of those excellent reasons.  Apparently, the Yankee disdain for “The Beautiful Game” stems from a desire to thumb their noises at their former British masters.               

For this same reason, it’s likely that ping-pong will never be more than a frat house game in America.  Eschewing table tennis is a great way for Americans to show defiance toward their current Chinese masters.           

          

Even The Paddle Is Red

Goooooooooooooal!: Why America never fell in love with soccer – CNN.com.               

Smaktakula

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Mark Wahlberg Is Nothing Without The Funky Bunch. Nothing!
  • Belgians: The World's Most Evil People
  • Nancy Grace's Exposed Nipple Continues To Horrify
  • All-Star Celebarrassments: Billy Carter
  • Diff'rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 4 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 4 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 4 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 4 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 4 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

December 2019
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031  

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.