Tag Archives: heterosexuality

Thoughts On Gay Pride

09 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics

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By Tardsie

Is It Hate Speech To Point Out That It Kinda Looks Like The Flag Of A Third-World Nation? ‘Cause If It Is, We Won’t Say Anything.

I have a hard time getting my head around the idea of gay pride.

Wait, wait–before anybody gets his leather panties in a bunch and starts filling my mailbox with rainbow-hued death threats, let me do my best to explain–and please refrain from calling the tolerance cops in the meantime. For those individuals constantly on the lookout to take umbrage (and there are a lot of them these days), just keep walking–there’s nothing for you to see here. I’m by no means disparaging the notion of being proud of one’s homosexuality, just trying to understand it. Ultimately, I’m cool with anything that gives an individual a sense of identity, community and purpose if it’s not hurting anybody. Happy people make life better for everyone.

This Is The Point At Which The ‘Identity, Community & Purpose’ Thing Starts To Break Down.

And it’s not like there aren’t people out there prouder of stranger things. There are men–grown men!–who are proud of things as ridiculous as toy trains, model soldiers or belt-buckles. In Alabama, many young married couples take great pride in choosing spouses from outside their immediate families. I can’t pretend that I understand these things, but I appreciate the very real happiness they bring to people who do.

Yes, We’re Even Happy For You. Freak.

For this reason, while I’m ‘for’ gay pride (in that I’m not against it; I am a study in ambivalence), I’m afraid I’ll never really understand it. I think this is because my only basis of comparison is my own heterosexuality, of which I am most definitely not proud. Quite the opposite, in fact–I’m actually a little ashamed of it, if I’m being honest. I mean, when I think back on the moments in my life of which I’m least proud–times when I was manipulative, dishonest or just plain stupid–if I examine them closely, I see that my heterosexuality was behind every one of them.

Because If There’s One Thing We’ve Learned In Life, It’s That The Ladies Love A Dude Who Isn’t Afraid To Play By His Own Rules.

So maybe the gays* know something we don’t.

It Absolutely Is. Likewise, It’s Also Okay For Us Not To Care Very Much.

*Just having a little fun with the “the”, folks! We’re just tickled that adding a simple article to a word stops conversation faster than a fart in church. ∞ T.

Fred Phelps: Champion Of Civil Liberties

04 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by in News, Religion

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By Smaktakula

The WBC Believes That The Bible Is The Literal Word Of God. Except That Part About "Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself, For God Loves All." Nobody Knows How THAT Wackiness Got In There.

Fred Phelps and his odious Westboro Baptist Church were the recent victors in a 8-1 Supreme Court decision which upheld the church’s right to act like complete cocksuckers at the funerals of soldiers.  The WBC is concerned, as are many fundamentalist Christian and Islamic groups, that the United States has become entirely too tolerant of homosexuality.

Rather than pray for these wayward souls as do so many less militant groups, the WBC takes, what is to their thinking anyway, direct action.  To combat homosexuality, this group demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers (of whom, although no data exist to confirm this, it can be assumed were largely heterosexual), trumpeting the Good News that God is not only thrilled by the heartbreaking loss of life, but that moreover the Almighty “Hates Fags.”

As devoted proponents of the 1st Amendment, Promethean Times applauds the Supreme Court’s decision.  As difficult as it can sometimes be to accept, tolerance includes those things which offend us to our cores.  In this way, Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church have struck a victory for us all.

To Fred Phelps, champion of our civil liberties, we say:

WAY TO GO, HOMO!

"I WANT YOU To Go Fuck Yourself."

Will Pirouette For Respect

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Music

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By Smaktakula

Ballet has long been known as both an aesthetic and athletic endeavor, entwining beauty and ability into a single art form.  In its physicality it is not unlike more traditional sports, and in fact requires a great deal more athletic ability than some so-called “sports.”   

Perpetuating The Cycle Of Violence: Someday She Will Do The Same To Her Daughter.

Despite this, the American public has never really gone for ballet.  Like mime or disc golf, ballet lives on through the efforts of a desperately fanatical cadre of aficionados and the largesse of wealthy benefactors.  Ballet’s primary demographic is the legion of nine year-old girls who comprise its base.             

And yet, people seem to understand instinctively that ballet is something to be admired.  It is often employed metaphorically when discussing natural phenomenon, such as the stars or the northern lights, in overblown phrases like “the majesty of the cosmic ballet.”  Even more ironically, the same people who would under no circumstances attend the ballet nevertheless attempt to lend a high-minded importance to football by invoking a comparison to ballet: athleticism as aestheticism.  It has even been used in an attempt to justify silly non-sports like professional wrestling.             

The "Mincing Our Way Into America's Heart" Campaign Was Not A Success.

Although only about 50% of male ballet dancers are gay,* the terms for male ballet dancers–danseur and ballerino–are 100% gay.   However, this only makes ballet a “gay” endeavor by the same logic that says football is a “straight” sport because it’s played largely (but by no means exclusively) by straight men.  Still, it doesn’t help sell ballet to the beer & pork rind crowd.             

Neither is ballet doing itself any favors by continuing to wrap danseurs in flesh-hugging leotards, thereby devolving them into heinous sausage-smugglers.  Juxtapose this fact with the title of the only ballet most Americans can name, The Nutcracker, and it’s easy to see why mainstream America has so far shied away from ballet.             

The Promethean Times Editorial Staff has come up with a slogan which the ballet industry is free to use as it chooses.  We hope it will finally shame Americans into embracing this venerable art form:            

IF YOU DON’T LIKE BALLET

YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOMO!

       

* This statistic courtesy of the always unimpeachable repository of historical record, Wikipedia.   

Jeté To Facebook

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

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Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism.