It is almost-but-not-quite ironic that the term Schadenfreude is a German coinage.
Americans, Baseball, Basketball, bleeding genitals, blood sports, croquet, Duck Duck Goose, ferret legging, ferret-down-trousers, ferrets, football, hockey, lame sports, non-Americans, Soccer, Tetherball, vulgar non-sports, Yorkshire
Before the promulgation of worthwhile American sports such as baseball, football, basketball or hockey*, non-Americans were forced to content themselves with quasi-sports like croquet, Duck-Duck-Goose and soccer. It’s no surprise then that these diversion-starved people began to invent their own increasingly bizarre ‘sports.’
However, the Yorkshire miners who in the 1970s invented ferret legging, also known as ferret-down-trousers, had no such excuse. Although week after week, color television offered far safer and more athletically meritorious sports, the Yorkies designed a contest that very often results in bleeding genitals.
The rules of ferret legging are simple: participants trap ferrets in their pants and then see who can endure the longest as the needle-toothed weasels fight for trouser real estate. Underwear is not permitted, and the pants must be such that the furred Slinkies can pass from leg to leg with ease.
Considered a dying sport, ferret legging has sought mightily to remain relevant in an age of much cooler sports. Despite the hazards of a severed scrotum or perforated penis, ferret leggers take solace in the knowledge that however wretched their sport may be, it will always be a step above competitive eating.
Amanda Hanneman, assault, Basketball, cheerleaders, disgraced athletes, double standards, homophobia, hypocrisy, ignorance, Jessra Johnson, male cheerleaders, objectifying women, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, thugs, University of Missouri
Disgusting. Vile. Hateful. These were a few of the words which sprung to many people’s minds when they first heard that two University of Missouri basketball players had assaulted a cheerleader. According to the police report, the two senior forwards are alleged to have broken the victim’s nose.
The shocking revelation that the cheerleader was a male and his attackers women injected some well-needed levity into the situation, and also highlighted the victim’s undeniable courage in both reporting this assault and in admitting to being a male cheerleader.
apologies to Josh Saviano, Barack Obama, Basketball, dorks, dweebs, elbow to the mouth, geeks, Josh Saviano, Marilyn Manson, Paul from Wonder Years is Marilyn Manson, Paul Pfeiffer, POTUS, Rey Decerega, stitches, The Wonder Years, United States of America, urban legends, weirdos
By now you’ve heard how President Obama took an elbow in the mouth while playing a pickup basketball game, requiring twelve stitches. Although the White House did not initially reveal the identity of Obama’s assailant, later reports named the unlucky roughhouser as Rey Decerega.
You’re not alone in asking, “Just who the hell is that?” For those unfamiliar with Mr. Decerega, he will best be remembered for playing “Paul” on The Wonder Years.
Americans, Baseball, Basketball, botulism, competitive eating, conspicuous consumption, Edward Gibbons, ESPN2, fat ass, fat people, football, gluttony, hockey, hot dogs, Ichiro, Joey Chestnut, Magic: The Gathering, Major League Eating, Matholympics, Nathan's, Spelling Bee, starving children, Steve Irwin, Takeru Kobayashi, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, The Tsunami, United States of America, waddling grotesquery, what the fuck is wrong with you people?
Those who derive a grim joy in heralding the West’s cultural decline must surely take delight in the sudden and troubling popularity of competitive eating. For many years a quaint–if bizarre–swatch of Americana primarily relegated to county fairs, competitive eating has recently risen to a degree that many Americans are confusing it with an actual sport, and its wretched, talentless participants with athletes. Worse still, statistics indicate an increase among young people who believe, erroneously, that the ability to effortlessly slide a six-inch piece of meat down one’s throat is a skill with applications outside prison walls.
In the halcyon days of yesteryear, Americans were a happier, healthier people. They lived lives which modern Americans would consider catastrophically dull, lacking the Internet, cell phones, flat screen 3D Televisions and indoor plumbing to which 21st Century Man has become inseparable. They had neither the plethora of food choices available now, nor the glut of processed, modified or otherwise bastardized food-based products which will be coming out of American microwaves this evening.
They were a simpler, tougher breed, qualities reflected in the sports they played. People who lived where it was cold and who spoke with funny accents played hockey. Arrogant blueblood cocksuckers were sure to play lacrosse, and soccer found a foothold in the exotic immigrant enclaves on the East Coast. Fellows who liked to kick shit often opted for bull riding. For everybody else there was baseball, football and basketball.
Now, several converging trends have made it possible for a new breed of sporting event to come shuffling to the fore, one that eschews the outdated emphasis on athleticism, sportsmanship and dignity, instead concentrating solely on spectacle.
One important factor in opening the door for these exciting new athletic events is the increasingly sedentary nature of Americans. When waddling down the base paths becomes too difficult or a lay-up must be interrupted by a short break for breath, it may become difficult to identify with “true” athletes, who with nothing more than a little luck, God-given talent and years upon years of practice, have healthy bodies which the average American can never hope to enjoy.
The most insidious factor in the rise of non-sport is surely Cable TV. Before the advent of ESPN2, who exactly was aware of “sports” like the Spelling Bee, Magic: The Gathering or the Matholympics?
As insipid as those activities are, they pale beside the most odious and vulgar of the non-sports: competitive eating, a vile glorification of excess, of food not for nourishment, but for spectacle.
What must the rest of the world, much of it malnourished, think of America’s sleight-of-hand in rendering a crapulent circus into athletic achievement? Americans might be better served not by asking why so many foreign nationals are crossing their borders, but rather, why those same foreign nationals haven’t killed them in their sleep?
Perhaps the most tangible impact of this societal lymphoma is Major League Eating. While it may seem bizarre, or perhaps even horrifying to hear the words Major and League attached to Eating, representatives of MLE were quick to point out that, prior to MLE, there had been no sanctioning body regulating competitive eating, an absence which they claim could have profoundly affected not only the sport’s traditions, but also its dignity.
Basketball, Boston Celtics, childish sexual innuendo, Kobe continues to do Magic on the court, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, NBA Finals, Paul Pierce, Ron Artest, sports rivalries, World Champions, you got a real purty mouth
Last night the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers continued their great rivalry, coming together in a decisive game seven of the NBA finals.
Fans have always responded to the passion engendered by these two teams.
Athletes have often been compared to warriors. Never was it more true than last night. The players were so like the ancient Spartans or Athenians that you could practically see their greek forefathers hovering over their shoulders as the two teams grappled for four sweaty quarters. They grunted and heaved as they wrestled for the sweat-slick ball, teeth bared in the straining, exultant agony of exertion. This is the great beauty of the sport: the breathtaking juxtaposition between the animalistic abandon with which the game is played, and the delicate, almost sensual ball-handling of these gentle giants.
When it was over, both teams had given it all they had, and left quite a bit of themselves on the glistening floor. Ultimately, the Lakers came out on top, roughly coming from behind to stun the Celtics, who, with tears in their eyes, could only take it in the end.