By Smaktakula
After issuing a string of denials over the past several weeks, the White House abruptly reversed itself yesterday, admitting the existence of Presidential Policy Directive 24601. This admission ends the mounting speculation regarding the anti-skank directive, dubbed ‘Hobegon‘ by some in the press. The White House claims that Hobegon codifies America’s foreign and domestic policy with regard to skanks. It does that, and more: PPD 24601 is nothing less than a declaration of war on hos.
"Let Me Be Clear: I See An America--One That Can Only Be Achieved By Rising Above Partisan Rhetoric And Red-State/Blue-State Name Calling--An America Once Again Setting An Example For Other Nations By Helping To Create--Not Only For Our Children And The World's Children, But Also The Many Children Yet Unborn--A World That Is Free Of Skanks."
“This is something about which the President feels very strongly,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said in a press conference this morning. “He has two daughters of his own, and like so many American parents right now, he’s concerned about the type of world that little Sasha and Malia will find waiting for them when they grow up.”
This sudden admission surprised most political observers, and apparently some within the Executive Circle. Last Sunday on Meet The Press, the Vice-President said, “If there is {the secret Hobegon document}, they sure haven’t shown it to Joe Biden.” He went on to add, “I mean, who doesn’t like tramps, am I right?” at which point the Vice-President attempted to high-five David Gregory. Biden apologized for the comments just a few hours later after meeting privately with the President. What the Vice-President was denying less than a week ago is now official US policy.
The impetus for the Administration’s abrupt about-face appears to be a series of events which drove the media into such a speculative frenzy that it became necessary to make some details of the secret directive public. One of the events which set this chain in motion were widely publicized comments made by reality tv grotesquery Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi. The celebriskank fired a volley across the Administration’s bow when she said, “I don’t go tanning anymore, because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning, and I feel he did that intentionally for us.”
Largely derided at the time, the enigmatic Snooki now appears to be something of a Cassandra. Even her foes are beginning to wonder if the talking party ball is shrewder than she appears, given that anti-tanning initiatives are part of Obama’s War on Skanks. Snooki went on to note that Obama’s 2008 Rival John McCain would not have applied the tax, “Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan.”
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McCain’s unfortunate history of skin cancer aside, this insight is trenchant. The Arizona Republican has long been staunchly, if quietly, pro-skank. Throughout the 20th Century, support for ladies of easy virtue blurred party lines, but since the 2000 presidential election has become increasingly divided among partisan lines, with Republicans generally opposing anti-skank legislation. Bill Clinton was the last pro-skank Democrat to hold a statewide office or higher. The promising young cadre of pro-skank Democrats (“Horn Dog Democrats”) who swept into office with Clinton in 1992 are long gone.
Initially the White House attempted to shrug off Snooki’s charges, labelling them, “Laughable” and “Not worth dignifying.” However, as with so many Washington scandals, the further the administration tried to distance themselves from it, the more tenaciously the rumors clung.
The situation reached critical mass when Snooki was arrested on July 30th. Wearing a T-Shirt which read SLUT (Sir, Let Us Tan!) in protest of the effort to tax tanning beyond the means of the average tramp, which she calls skankist, Snooki was seen being led away by police. The official account claims that the plump strumpet was drunk and out of control.
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Not so, counters Snooki:
“Oh. My. God. Oh my God, I can’t believe they said that. That’s–I’ma fucking sue them, I swear to God I will–That’s such a lie! Can I tell you? Can I tell you how much of a fucking lie that is? That is not true. Anybody who knows me–my good friends who know me, not the haters–knows that is just not true.”
“I’m a political prisoner. They’re trying to shut me up.”
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Since then, Skanks have been notable for their absence. “Laying low,” was how one observer termed it. Because of summer reruns and the ubiquity of archived material on the internet, the American public has so far not been greatly affected by the self-imposed Skankout. It has been pointed out that had this Skankout occurred during the school year, its presence might have been felt more profoundly in a reduction in the number of hot female teachers sleeping with their seventh-grade students.
But because those people passionate about skank rights would not be silenced, the ensuing e-storm would force the beleaguered administration to admit the existence of PPD 24601. President Obama promised the nation that “further details will be will be made available in the coming days.”
Coming Soon: GO HO GO!
