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Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

20 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Headlines, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

air travel, alcoholism, Alzheimer's, Arkansas, atomic bomb, Australia, ballet, celebrity deaths, conspiracy theories, Dick Cheney, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drunken Irishmen, Erich Priebke, fear of flying, grass, hemp, Hinduism, homosexuality, Iran, Italy, James Bond, JFK, Julia Gillard, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, LBJ, male figure skaters, marijuana, Mexico, muslims, N-Word, Nazis, New York City, North Carolina, one Carolina is enough, Paul Walker, poor vocational choices, pot, reefer, Saltine crackers, sexism, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Social Security, stupid people, Suzanne Somers, SWAT, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, Time, untalented stars, Walmart, weed

By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.

***

The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? ~ Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff ~ Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth ~ As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ ~ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes ~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? ~ We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving ~ “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed ~ “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? ~ How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says ~ Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ’em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart ~ Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay ~ It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico ~ It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal ~ But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 ~ Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough ~ Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

autism, Baby Hope, Barack Obama, batshit crazy, boobs, Chris Brown, conspiracy theories, crystal meth, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, Europe, ganja, global warming, God hates the left-handed, grass, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, Houston, JFK, Judaism, Latin America, left-handed people, legalize it, Love you Thorsie!, Martha Stewart, Michigan, MILFs, New York City, North Korea, obesity, places that suck, Poland, political assassination, pot, reefer, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, special needs, spying scandal, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Brady, twerking, weed, Wisconsin

By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Hunchbackers

08 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, conspiracy theories, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Hunchbackers, Notre Dame, Quasimodo, treachery

By Smaktakula

Why does the public insist on believing the web of lies surrounding the death of Quasimodo the Bell-Ringer?

Open your eyes, America!

They Know The Awful Truth About What Happened That Day In The Cathedral, And Won’t Rest Until You Do.

This Day In History: November 22, 1963 CE

22 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

conspiracy theories, Dallas, Jack Ruby, John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, manhunts, murderers, patsies, presidential assassins, Texas, Texas Theater, this day in history, Warren Commission

On which Lee Harvey Oswald comes to regret sneaking into the Texas Theater without purchasing a ticket.

"Seriously, Guys--The Movie Wasn't Even That Good. Do You Have To Make A Federal Case Out Of It?"

Quick, somebody–call Ruby.  He’ll know what to do.

This Day In History: July 20, 1969 CE

20 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1969, Apollo 11, Arizona boycott, conspiracy theories, first man on the moon, July 20, lunar mission, moon landing, Neil Armstrong, New Mexico, one giant leap for mankind, That's one small step for man, there's a NEW Mexico?, this day in history

On which, through the omission of a single article, Neil Armstrong utters the most famous non-sensical words ever spoken.

Because of the Arizona Boycott, The United States Government Has Decided To Film The Mars Landing In New Mexico.

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