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Tag Archives: Ryan Dunn

What Marginal Talent Will We Next Canonize Upon Death?

05 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History

≈ 27 Comments

Tags

Al Gore, Amy Winehouse, boy bands, Davy Jones, Eddie Murphy, Grace Jones, Howard Jones, Jackass, JK Rowling, Led Zeppelin, Monkees, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Rick Santorum, Ryan Dunn, Sarah Palin, untalented stars, Whitney Houston

By Smaktakula

Smaktakula Is Not A Believer.

One has only to see the unlikely outpouring of affection bestowed upon murderous Jackass jackass Ryan Dunn to see that death is characterized not only by a ghastly odor of putrefaction, but also by a sheen of undeserved talent and a patina of ersatz societal worth. Because every famous corpse is now a rotting Mozart or a gas-bloated Shakespeare, it can be difficult to judge the true talents of debatable entertainment figures like Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse or Muammar al-Gaddafi.  When former-Monkee Davy Jones died a few weeks ago, you were probably a little surprised to discover that he was an unrecognized genius, and likely more than a little chagrined that you hadn’t realized it on your own when the Woodstock-era boy-bander was still alive. But don’t feel so bad; if Davy were still living, he’d still be a casino-performing novelty act, and no more a ‘genius’ than fellow Jonses Grace or Howard.

Actually, We're More Than A Little Frightened Of You.

Here are a few figures who, in death, may reach the artistic and intellectual heights they were denied in life:

Eddie Murphy

Kids--You Might Not Know That Eddie Murphy Wasn't Always The Donkey From 'Shrek." Playing An Ass Was Just Sort Of A Natural Step.

Al Gore

At This Point, We're Hoping That Maybe A Couple Polar Bears Really Will Drown. C'Mon, Folks--Al Needs This Bad.

JK Rowling

We Should Just Be Happy That She's Writing Books People Want To Read. And SHE Should Be Happy That We Didn't Put Any Of Those Words In Ironic Quotes.

Led Zeppelin

If You Steal Money From Elderly Widows, You're A Lousy Thief. If You Steal Music From Old Blues Men, You're One Of The Greatest Rock & Roll Groups Of All Time.

Sarah Palin

It's Like If Rick Santorum Had A Vagina.

The Westboro Baptist Church Pretty Much Hates Everybody

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Christianity, Claymation, crazy people, Davey & Goliath, death by automobile, death by drunk driving, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, Gay Pride Parade, God Hates Fags, homosexuality, IEDs, Kansas, New York, New York City, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Shirley Phelps-Roper, Westboro Baptist Church, Wizard of Oz, yokels

Not Unlike The Protagonists From The Wizard Of Oz, Fred's Got No Heart, No Brains, No Courage, And He's A Little Bitch From Kansas.

In a maneuver of daring doucheness which surprised both their foes and their fringy clutch of boosters alike, yokel commandos from the Westboro Baptist Church staged a brazen assault on America’s East Coast.  The majority of their forces were directed at New York’s Gay Pride Parade, with some held in reserve in the event of a public memorial for Jackass Jackass Ryan Dunn.

Fred's Daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper: You Can See The Crazy Oozing Out Of Her Like Stink From A Dog.

Westboro Baptist, the righteous army of the execrable douchelord Fred Phelps, has gained notoriety in recent years by picketing funerals, most notably those of fallen soldiers and marines.  These Kansan cock-knockers believe that America has strayed from the course intended by the Almighty by failing to lynch outright pernicious elements of society, most particularly homosexuals.  It remains unclear why the Lord of Lords has chosen as His sole prophet a deranged old nutbag from the prairie whose idea of saving souls is waving a placard thanking God for IEDs while screaming incoherently at grieving survivors.  Nevertheless, the indefatigable Clan Westboro is an increasing media presence.

What?!? The Space Shuttle? Why God, Why?

Westboro’s assault on New York City’s Gay Pride Parade is  in retaliation for New York State’s recent legalization of gay marriage, which according to one source close to Phelps has made the preacher “flaming mad, absolutely raging.”  Although the handful of church weirdos who showed up to protest the event were dwarfed in number by the gazillions who attended to celebrate, a spokesidiot for the WBC likened their situation to that of David and Goliath.  She then went on to explain twice that the story of David and Goliath has nothing at all to do with a TV show about a Claymation sissyboy and his talking dog.  She reconfirmed this information in a follow-up interview.

If God Really Hates This Dude, Why Did The Almighty Waste So Much Time On Meticulous Detail?

It is believed that several Westboro operatives remain on the East Coast, planning to disrupt the inevitable memorial to Dunn, which although as-yet-unannounced, most experts believe will have to occur soon before the reality-television clown fades from public’s goldfish-like memory.  Dunn died along with another person last week, in what in other circumstances would be called a murder-suicide, but because it was vehicular has been termed a ‘drunk driving accident.’

Granted, It Was Somewhat Irresponsible Of Dunn To Drive Drunk, Killing Himself And Another Person. But It Was REALLY Irresponsible For Roger Ebert To Suggest That Dunn Might Have Been Drunk Before The World Found Out That He Was.

Given the potential exposure of such a public event, which media outlets like MTV will be only too happy to hijack, the Church has an opportunity to bring their peculiar brand of Christianity to a wider audience.  However, the halfwits who grieve for Dunn aren’t likely to understand how the presumably heterosexual Jackass’ moronic and useless death has anything to do with God hating homosexuals.  The three or four whole-to-partially-witted folks who witness the event are likely to have the same problem.

We Remain Unconvinced That Talking About 'God's Rod' Is The Most Effective Way To Get Folks To Stop Thinking About Man-Sausage.

Headlines 06.27.11

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Because who has time to read the articles, right?

One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.

Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.

“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants?  Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.

His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.

Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.

Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’

Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.

If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.

Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real.  Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.

Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.

Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.

With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.

Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.  

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.

Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.

Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’

It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?

Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’  ~ Then what happened?

4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God!  Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head.  We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.    

                                                 

Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really?  Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.

“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”

Want more of this foolishness?

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World Stunned By Death Of ‘Jackass’ Jackass

21 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

death by automobile, foolish choices, Jackass, jackassery, live fast die young, MTV, Philadelphia, poor judgement, Roger Ebert, Ryan Dunn, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Live By The Sword . . . There's More, We Think, But That's All We Recall At The Moment.

Ryan Dunn, of Jackass fame, was killed early Monday morning when his Porsche collided with a tree in suburban Philadelphia.  A passenger in Dunn’s vehicle was also killed in the crash, but details on the person’s identity have been slow in coming, presumably because he or she was not a celebrity and therefore suffered a non-newsworthy death.

They Might If They Were Jackasses Themselves.

The 34-year-old star of MTV’s Jackass was best known for ridiculous and dangerous stunts, the kind which are most often accompanied by boldfaced warnings not to try this at home.  Although initial police reports indicate that the actor may have been travelling at excessive speed, those close to the reality star contend that such irresponsible and potentially life-threatening behavior would be completely out of character for Dunn.

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