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Tag Archives: NATO

Headlines 06.27.11

27 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

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Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

Because who has time to read the articles, right?

One Of The Few Periodicals To Meet Our Exacting Journalistic Standards.

Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.

“Thanks A Lot, Mom And Dad!”

The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.

‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants?  Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.

His Palatial Home Is Built Entirely From The Bones Of Kittens.

Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.

Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’

Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.

If You’ve Never Gotten Really Drunk And Then Humped A Bright Orange Beach Ball, You Aren’t In A Position To Judge.

Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real.  Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.

Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.

Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.

With A Combined Weight Of 678 Pounds And Only One Mustache Between Them, It Takes Four Untouchables To Equal One Modern-Day Chicago Cop.

Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.  

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.

Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.

Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’

It’s A Given That You Won’t Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No. But If We Paid For A Boob Job, Would You Go, Go, Go?

Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’  ~ Then what happened?

4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God!  Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head.  We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.    

                                                 

Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really?  Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.

“Someday The Mountain Might Get Me,” Dunn Told Perplexed Friends In The Days Before The ‘Accident,’ Swearing, “But The Law Never Will.”

Want more of this foolishness?

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Headlines 04.28.11

28 Thursday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

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Tags

American Civil War, autism, Brazil, Cape Cod, Donald Trump, Enrique Iglesias, Garey Busey, great white shark, headlines, homosexuality, Libya, Madden NFL 12, massacre, NATO, NFL, sailors, sharks, slavery, street children, US Navy, Vladimir Putin, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Just the headlines, none of the content.  For more Headlines fun, click here and here.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If the US Navy were to rid itself entirely of homosexuality, it would have all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Anchors Aweigh!

Brazil shooting said to be first school massacre in nation’s history ~  Previous Brazilian massacres have been of street children, and thus not newsworthy.

Madden NFL 12 to Make Player Safety a Priority ~Madden 12: Also known as ‘The Lame Edition.’

Blind pooch comes with own guide dog ~ Talk about a useless creature.

Meet the perfect rainforest predator ~ Haven’t they been telling us for years that it’s man?

Act goes awry, human cannonball dies ~ There’s no way anyone could have seen this coming.

Gary Busey endorses Donald Trump for president ~ Gary left a chunk of his brain on the street after a helmetless motorcycle accident.  Still, we thought he was smarter than that.

“My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food!”

Sick grandma dropped in Arctic in botched rescue ~ Okay, we’re actually gonna read this one.

What Makes a Person Ugly? ~ Well, it’s tough to explain, but there’s a reason dogs bark at you in the street and children flee screaming upon your approach.

‘Atlas Shrugged’ finally comes to the screen ~ The audience shrugs.

Small Iowa town ‘lucky’ after big tornado ~ But in the moments before the tornado they were decidedly unlucky.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really an expert, he should know they do that.

Pissing Yourself Is An Acceptable Response.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just wouldn’t shut up about it.

Libya regime accuses Nato of siding with rebels ~ Wasn’t that the whole point?

What Happens When Autistic Kids Grow Up? ~ We just don’t know, and we can’t afford to let that happen.

Is Sitting a Lethal Activity? ~ It all depends upon what you’re sitting on.

Our Eagerness To Resort To Awful Puns Is Simply Shocking.

Are You Praising Your Child Properly? ~ Do you even know where the little fuckers are right now?

Putin does the rendition-and-secret-jail thing, too ~ We’re not so different after all.

Woman denies biting off testicles ~ So was she a man before she did it?

Spend Valentine’s Day with Enrique Iglesias and a Big Bottle of Astroglide Personal Lubricant ~ We are so there.

“Nadie Puede Amarte Como Yo Pueda, Smaktakula.”

TripoliWatch 2011: Give Temporary Cessation Of Hostilities A Chance

13 Wednesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics

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Tags

Africa, Jacob Zuma, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, NATO, places that suck, rebels, Roadmap to a Ceasefire, South Africa, United States of America

By Smaktakula

The Roadmap To A Ceasefire: "We Have Bad Roads In Libya."

With the Libyan Crisis having dragged on for however long it’s dragged on now, the strain is beginning to show on all sides.  What is not known is which side–notorious dickhead Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi or the NATO-backed opposition–will crumble first.  Adding to the confusion, South African President Jacob Zuma has introduced an African Union-backed plan to end hostilities, the Roadmap to a Ceasefire.

Like Most Americans, The President Is Bored With This TV Show.

Acrimony abounded within the coalition after it was reported that NATO forces mistakenly bombed rebel troops.  The rebels contend that dozens were killed, but reliable reports say about four.  Even though such a small number was lost, it’s said to be a devastating blow to the resistance as one of the slain fighters, Faisal, was the only guy in the unit who knew how to drive a stick.

If There Were A 'Rebel Special Olympics,' These Guys Could Expect At Least To Get The Bronze.

Spokesrebels for the rag-tag band of unwashed misfits, perhaps thinking that the United States was still leading the mission and would therefore issue an immediate and abject act of contrition, claimed to have received such an apology.  NATO quickly denied these allegations, explaining that the official coalition response to the rebels was a request to “shut the fuck up” and a stern reminder that they were lucky more of their useless troops weren’t felled for target practice, and that moreover that only enough rebels were needed to keep AP photographers busy.

Much Of The World Sees Gaddafi As A Tyrant. To African Nations, He's A Checkbook.

Although the United States and United Kingdom have said that Gaddafi will not be part of Libya’s future, Africa’s leadership isn’t so sure.  While acknowledging that Gaddafi is a tyrant, a historical supporter of international terrorism and an all-around dick, supporters in the African Union are quick to point to the Colonel’s many good qualities, such as supplying their nations with large sums of cash.

Better A Home-Grown Tyrant Than A Benevolent Western Puppet.

TripoliWatch 2011: Time Out!

01 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics

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Tags

anti-semitism, cease-fire, comical despots, Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi, NATO, places that suck, rebels, sand, that trick never works, Tripoli, United States of America

By Smaktakula

The brave rabble comprising the Libyan resistance* has been forced to reconfigure its anti-Gaddafi strategy when inclement weather forced the United States to temporarily withdraw its forces and discontinue airstrikes.  The rebels have proposed a cease-fire, in the hopes that the unrepentant sand-despot will agree to hold off attacks until the United States’ airpower can be once again be brought to bear against government forces.

"Oh Yeah, That's Totally A Great Idea, Guy. I'll Tell You What, Get Everybody In One Place--Squeeze In Tight, Now--And I Not Only Will Make A Cease-Fire Announcement, But I'll Also Be Serving Cake And Punch."

*Fun Fact: One in five Libyan rebels oppose Gaddafi because they believe him to be Jewish. ∞T.

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