Yesterday in Florida, the interminable cold war between Terrestrial and Aquatic mammals turned hot once again. The Aquatics’ attack was unexpected and savage. When it was through, a veteran animal handler was dead. Early reports indicate that the assassin was Tilikum, an orca. Terrestrial representatives claim that Tilikum is a high-ranking member of the elite SHAMU (Secret Herald of the Aquatic Mammal Underground) Brigade, sent to bring a bloody message to the bipeds.
Tilikum has a checkered history, and at least one run-in with the law. Although the claims have yet to be substantiated, the Terrestrials maintain that the rogue orca spent parts of 2007 and 2008 at an Al-Qaeda training facility in Sudan.
The first volley has been fired. Will the message be answered? Or rather, as we have for so long, will we continue to ignore the threat which is even now upon beaches and our fresh water canals? It swims among the pilings of our coastal piers. It lurks in our aquatic-themed amusement parks. It hides where your children play. Waiting. Watching.
Likely, our leaders will continue in their perverse insistence that the aquatic mammal problem has been contained. Sadly, this is not even the worst possible outcome. The Terrestrials might yet try appeasement as they did in the early 1990s, selling out our Tuna allies with the infamous Dolphin Free Tuna Accords. When we gave away our gill nets, we gave away our national dignity. Dare we repeat our mistake?
A long and protracted war against our brine-loving enemies will be hard. It will test us, body and soul, but it is a contest which must be won. There is no other choice. Should we fail, then all the world will be under the steel flipper of a tyranny like none we have ever known.