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Monthly Archives: March 2010

Society Reels In Stunned Disbelief As Ricky Martin Comes Out Of The Closet

31 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

closeted entertainers, gay entertainers, gay performers, gay singers, homosexuality, in the closet, Livin' la Vida Loca, Menudo, News of the Duh, no freaking way!, out of the closet, Ricky Martin, Ricky Martin comes out of the closet, Ricky Martin is gay

Wha?!?  Ricky Martin is . . . gay?   

The Livin’ la Vida Loca Ricky Martin?  No kidding?  

Wow.  

If Ricky is gay, then the moon must be made of fingernail clippings and Yankee Stadium just a field of daisies, because today the world has stopped making sense.     

Really? We Don't See It.

 A gay man working in the entertainment industry?  Okay, whatever you say . . .   

Ricky Sets The Record Not Straight Here: BBC World Service – News – Ricky Martin comes out as gay.

Smaktakula

 

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Marijuana Legalization Will Transform Humboldt Into Appalachia

30 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, National Events, Plantlife, Politics, Regional Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot measure, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, cannabis cowboys, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, Humboldt County, illicit shadow industry, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, outlaw growers, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Zig-Zags, Ziploc

By Smaktakula

In the debate over California’s upcoming ballot measure to legalize marijuana, Promethean Times has heretofore resisted editorializing so that the electorate might arrive at its own decision in November.  However, the discourse has done little to educate voters, and instead has achieved the converse: leaving them confused and angry about what may very well be the defining issue of our times.  This imperative makes clear the mandate that Promethean Times, as a long-trusted source of clear and accurate information, make known its stand on this very important issue.                            

Promethean Times does NOT support the effort to legalize marijuana in California.  America’s stoners have been duped: decriminalizing cannabis is nothing more than a smokescreen for a concerted attack on vital American industries.  Unfortunately, hemp-heads don’t have much time to think about these things, electing to preserve their attenuated attention spans for an Aqua Teen Hunger Force mini-marathon.                            

By Any Means Necessary: These Hippies Don't Care Who Gets Hurt As Long As Reefer Is Legal

Voters are already well-acquainted with legalization’s most obvious dangers: increased crime and urban blight in the form of  such scenarios as pot smokers robbing local businesses at gunpoint to support their habit, women selling themselves for as little as a dime bag, and formerly pristine streets of mainstream America festooned with Ziplocs and Zig-Zags.  Moreover, anti-weed activists speak ominously of a critical snacks and munchies shortfall–the stoner’s equivalent of a “Perfect Storm.”  If America found itself in the throes of a CSMS during a national event such as the Super Bowl or Final Idol, the effect upon the nation would be both immediate and calamitous.                      

As bad as those things are, they fail to take into account a hitherto undiscussed result of marijuana legalization: the effect legalization will have on outlaw marijuana growers.   These cannabis cowboys fear that legalization will not only prove the death knell for a once-thriving industry, but also for a time-honored and cherished way of life.                         

Ghosts Of Prohibition: "T'warn't Revenuers Whut Den Dis Tuh Meh, But Ta Ruhpeel Uh Ta Eighteenth Menment. That'n Inbreeden."

The growers are right to be worried.  If pot is legalized, the high quality marijuana which currently is grown in remote places like Humboldt County, California, will be available in areas of the state which up to now have been forced to settle for shwag or Mexican dirtweed.  Within months of legalization places like Humboldt County will more closely resemble Harlan County, Kentucky than their former selves.                     

But the grim toll of legalization does not end with the outlaw growers and their families.  Also affected are the businesses, often local, which provide the materials for the illegal grow operation: fertilizer & feed stores, horticulture supply stores, as well as companies manufacturing steel-jaw traps for catching poachers, lawmen and unlucky hikers.                            

What effect will legalization have on local peace officers?  Much like tips are to servers, local law enforcement officers feed their families with the bribe money they receive from growers.  Similarly, the need to use thousands upon thousands of  man hours in the effort to interdict a tiny portion of the drug trade helps DEA agents pay their mortgages.  How will California voters explain to the families of these law enforcement officers that because they can’t shake their jones for the sweet, sweet cheeba, there won’t be any Christmas this year–or ever again?                            

Legalization will be harmful enough within the borders of California, but will metastasize beyond the borders even of the nation.  With the loss of the illegal marijuana trade, the Mexican drug cartels will be forced to rely solely on the enormous profits they derive from the sale of methamphetamine, cocaine and heroin, as well as the lucrative human-smuggling market.  It’s easy to see the human face of marijuana legalization when one considers that the average Mexican narco-enforcer has 7 children to feed.                            

The Hidden Victims Of Legalization: Bribe Money Keeps His Daughter In Catholic School

In November, California voters will be presented with an historic opportunity–the chance stand arm-in-arm with the hard-working men and women toiling in America’s illicit shadow industries, to advocate on behalf of  La Familia hitmen and the Federales they bribe,  and to support the legal industries which help support illegal grow operations–by voting NO on marijuana legalization.   Americans are best served by restricting their indulgences to safe and legal products such as alcohol or tobacco.  

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Mad Russian Genius Content With Solitary Life Of Vodka-Drenched Squalor

29 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, People, Science, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

$1 Million prize, brilliant dirty weirdos, Clay Mathematics Institute, cockroach-infested, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, intractable math problem, living in squalor, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, recluse, Russia, solved math problem, St. Petersburg, turned down prize money, weirdos, world's cleverest man

Not Only Is Grigori Blessed With Movie-Star Looks, But He Also Won Some Math Thing

The solution to the fiercely intractable Poincare Conjecture was thought to be so elusive that the Clay Mathematics Institute offered a prize of $1 million to anyone who could provide a verifiable answer.  Russian mathematician Dr. Grigori Perelman has solved it.          

It turns out that the crazy bastard is refusing the prize money: the excruciating and now-thankless mathematical task was apparently reward enough.           

In a nation known for brilliant dirty weirdos, Dr. Perelman is certainly the most superlative brilliant dirty weirdo to appear on the Russian math scene in some time.            

Said to be the world’s cleverest man, Dr Grigori Perelman, 44, lives as a recluse in a bare cockroach-infested flat in St Petersburg. He said through the closed door: ‘I have all I want.’            

The Doctor certainly has the right attitude, and if Perelman’s life is compared to another person’s–say a prisoner in a South American jail–it doesn’t look half bad.  No doubt the eligible ladies of St. Petersburg are asking themselves, Is there by any chance a Mrs. Dr. Perelman?            

Perelman’s complete lack of avarice is both commendable and refreshing (this is perhaps the only quality which might be called refreshing in a man whose funk is so formidable that its reek escapes the two-dimensional confines of a photographic image).  However, no one would think any worse of the brilliant mathematician if he were to accept $25-$50 of the prize money, with which he could purchase a grooming tool at the St. Petersburg Bed, Bath & Beyond. 

If Perelman can solve the Gordian Knot of mathematics, surely he can do something about that unibrow.            

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard.  You Read: World’s cleverest man turns down $1million prize after solving one of mathematics’ greatest puzzles | Mail Online.            

Smaktakula

Promethean Short Short Stories: All Debts Private And Public

26 Friday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Literature, Promethean Short Short Stories

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bill collectors, credit cards, deadbeats, flash fiction, Promethean Short Short Stories

By Smaktakula

 

Marty Fish was a collections man without equal.  Unshakable as a shadow and relentless as the tide, Marty squeezed the deadbeats with a voice like a viola.  Or a fist.

Nobody made you get that card, Marty liked to say, and You’ll pay what you owe, by God.  They always did, and not by God–by Marty.

When Marty stopped coming to work, the agency replaced him.  It’s too bad, his supervisor said. 

When the police found Marty stabbed to death in his tidy bachelor apartment, nobody was surprised.  His debts were apparently paid in full, plus some accrued interest.

The Legalization Question

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Health, National Events, National Politics, Plantlife, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

ballot box, California, California marijuana initiative, cannabis, doobage, dope, drug legalization, ganja, grass, hemp, legalize it, marijuana, marijuana legalization, pot, reefer, sweet sweet cheeba, the initiative, Tommy Chong, weed

California voters will have the opportunity in November to legalize marijuana through the ballot box.  Cannabis legalization is a complicated and contentious issue, requiring every voter to search his or her own soul.  There are no easy answers.   

Promethean Times will not attempt to influence popular opinion by revealing our stand on this hot-button issue.  We recommend instead that the public seek an unbiased opinion about the pros and cons of marijuana legalization from experts such as this distinguished gentleman:   

Tommy Chong: Leaning Toward A Yes Vote

 
Smaktakula

India’s Proposed LoBan Decried As ‘Skankist’

25 Thursday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, International Relations, People, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

BBC documentary, child labor, cocaine, drugs, Flower of American Skankhood, former child stars, human trafficking, India, India bans Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, LoBan, skankery, skankism, skankist, skanks, untouchable

By Smaktakula

India is considering imposing a ban on drug-addled former child star Lindsay Lohan.  The friction is alleged to arise from Lohan’s participation in a BBC documentary on child labor and human trafficking in India.  Indian officials contend that Lohan travelled to India on an improper visa, and additionally irritated aid workers by falsely implying that through her efforts alone “40 children had been saved.”   India would like you to believe that its row with Lohan erupted for these reasons alone.  If this sounds fishy to you–it should.  The problem is far more disturbing than simply India’s failure to understand that when it starts heaping rules and regulations on a free spirit like Lohan, it crushes that very special and delicate thing within the actress which makes her better than ordinary folks.                             

Lindsay's India Fun Facts #32: "Untouchables" More Than Just A Kick-Ass Movie

Rather, it is increasingly clear that a darker and uglier motivation lies behind India’s proposed LoBan.  Although India officially renounced its caste system generations ago, the nation has yet to address its age-old bias against skanks both high-born and low.  Indian history is replete with skankism, and it remains one of the biggest taboos in the culture.  Lohan defenders suggest that this anti-skank sentiment is the true impetus behind the LoBan, and that Lohan is not being punished for her behavior, but simply for what she is.  This is unacceptable if true.                          

Taking first Lohan’s supposed documentary untruths–Is it really all that terrible to take credit for the heroic efforts of others?  If these “aid” workers are as interested in saving children as they pretend to be, it shouldn’t matter who gets credit.  And really, is there anyone who believes that BBC viewers would be interested in these backwater heroics if not for the In-Your-Face star power that Lohan brings everywhere she goes?   The haters might try showing more empathy–Who hasn’t said some goofy shit while rolling hard on a triple-cocktail of Bombay Sapphire, jet lag and an eightball of Bolivian primo?         

The second allegation, that Lohan worked in India while on a tourist visa, carries even less weight.  Hello–it’s Lindsay Lohan, an American megastar.  If anything, Indian authorities would be wise to regard Lohan as a crime-fighting asset, as repeated studies have shown that the quantity of available narcotics in a given neighborhood drops precipitously within a few hours of the star’s arrival.                                  

This Photo Appears To Show An Indian Sniper Drawing A Bead On Lindsay

As much as India’s politicians would have us believe otherwise, the LoBan is due neither to Lohan’s self-aggrandizing prevarication or misstating her purpose for being in the country.  The real culprit in this sad affair is prejudice–prejudice against skanks.  It should be noted that this bias was until very recently largely shared by the West.  Of course, there are still scattered incidents of people in North America and Western Europe engaging in skankist behavior or anti-skank hate speech.  Fortunately, in the West these old hatreds are fading as a generation raised on such fare as Girls Gone Wild and Hot or Not comes of age.  India, perhaps alone among emerging nations, continues to stigmatize skankhood.                             

        We applaud the BBC’s selection of Lohan for their documentary, and for its tireless efforts of the network to include a wide assortment of skanks (or slags, as they are called locally) throughout its programming.  This is a relatively new step for the BBC, while in America, skank rights have generally been acknowledged for the better part of two decades.  The pivotal ‘Day Without A Skank’ in 1988 is credited as a watershed moment in the skank movement, leading directly to the adoption of the then-controversial ‘Skanks Bill of Rights.                            

Lohan Says Meditation Helps Her Navigate Through The Rocky Shoals Of Stardom

This is not the first storm Lohan has been forced to weather in recent months, nor will it likely be the last; the haters lurk as always just out of sight.  But never was it said that the Flower of American Skankhood wilted easily.  No doubt this sordid event will soon be in the past, and Lohan once again in her element: photographed in the back seat of a 2006 Chevy Malibu as she performs sex acts on a Lifetime Network junior executive.  Promethean Times joins the rest of America in praying for that day to come soon.

CNN Can Think Of Only One Reason For America’s Ambivalence Toward Soccer

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Soccer, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

boring games, China, football, lame sports, low-scoring games, mullets, Soccer, soccer flops, soccer mullets, sports Americans do not like, sports juggernaut, The Beautiful Game, United Kingdom, United States Soccer, World Cup

Holy Mother Of God--Time Has Run Out! Why Has The Game Not Stopped? (Translated From The Italian)

        –It’s not because soccer is such a low-scoring game that matches are as futile as tether-ball for the blind.            

         –It’s not for lack of exposure to the game, as if trendy American parents haven’t been forcing soccer on their offspring for at least two generations.                

     –It apparently has nothing to do with the fact that the United States, a sports juggernaut, has never managed to field a World Cup men’s team able to muster better than a third-place finish (with those heady days of soccer glory being well-over half a century in the past).                

     –Nor is it due to the contact rules which encourage players to eschew their dignity and flop on the ground like hooked sturgeon when struck by anything harder than a stiff wind.                

    –It isn’t a reaction to effete europhiles who confuse soccer with the entirely dissimilar game of football.                

    –Amazingly, it has nothing to do with the shameful proliferation of mullets throughout the sport.               

This Is Considered An Acceptable Hairstyle In Soccer

No, according to CNN, America’s ambivalence to soccer isn’t for any of those excellent reasons.  Apparently, the Yankee disdain for “The Beautiful Game” stems from a desire to thumb their noises at their former British masters.               

For this same reason, it’s likely that ping-pong will never be more than a frat house game in America.  Eschewing table tennis is a great way for Americans to show defiance toward their current Chinese masters.           

          

Even The Paddle Is Red

Goooooooooooooal!: Why America never fell in love with soccer – CNN.com.               

Smaktakula

Biden’s Latest Gaffe Actually Endearing

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Politics

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Barack Obama, Biden being Biden, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Obama Adminstration, This is a big f****** deal, This is a big fucking deal, Vice President Biden

Not realizing his comments would be overheard by the media there to cover the signing of the health-care bill, Vice President Joe Biden gushed to his boss, “This is a big fucking deal.”

This is an entirely apt statement, and uncannily accurate for Biden: the big deal is that the government does the fucking; the American people don’t have to do anything more than look back over their shoulders and watch. 

Still, as far as Biden-being-Biden goes, this statement is pretty innocuous.  It’s not like when he said Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice as VP or that Obama was the “first mainstream African-American who is articulate and clean and a nice-looking guy.”

As a refreshing counterpoint to the braying triumphalism of harridan Nancy Pelosi, Biden’s gee-whiz enthusiasm seems genuine, infectious and forgivable.  Someone get that VP a puppy!

Biden Has A Potty Mouth: Vice President Joe Biden embraces health care bill signing with profane term – latimes.com.

Smaktakula

Miley Cyrus Somewhat Delusional About Future Career Prospects

23 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, Hollywood, Movies, Music, People, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

child stars, former child stars, Hannah Montana, Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio, Miley Cyrus, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, Spongebob Squarepants, The View, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Miley Cyrus told the gals on The View that after her new record drops in June, fans shouldn’t expect to hear any more new music from the megastar any time soon.  Cyrus revealed her belief that she belongs on the big screen, clearly overestimating the voting-age public’s demand for her less-than-considerable abilities.     

There is a future for Ms. Cyrus in front of the camera, it just may not be what she’s envisioned.  She may not be ready for the Big Show, but might find a home in a niche industry, what might be labelled independent films in some circles.  In short, Cyrus harbors pie-eyed dreams about DVD grosses when she should be thinking about the hard realities of DVDA.         

Despite her deplorable dearth of talent, Cyrus has a better-than-average shot at consistent roles in clothing-optional films: the kind in which a visit from the pizza boy always leads to something exciting; where the words “water sports” are more than a little misleading.         

Miley Cyrus: Much More Likely To Someday Take Home Ron Jeremy Than An Oscar

Ms. Cyrus may be reluctant to arrive at this conclusion.  It’s very possible she feels that she has the requisite stuff to make the precarious transition from child stardom to adult roles, following in the footsteps such luminaries as Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio and Spongebob Squarepants.  Tragically, Ms. Cyrus lacks the fundamental traits which individually allowed Foster, DiCaprio and Squarepants to make the leap (respectively, these three traits are talent, talent and being an imaginary character who doesn’t age).         

Promethean Times wishes Ms. Cyrus the very best of luck in her future career, and eagerly anticipate seeing her full body of work in the no-doubt-forthcoming hotel spank film, Hannah Implanta: Red Carpet Burns.         

Boom-Boom-Chicka-Wah-Wah-Boom-Boom

Guardian: Lonely Death Of Juanita Goggins, Trailblazer Of US Civil Rights

22 Monday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History, National Events, People, Politics, Race, Regional Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Al Sharpton, black leaders, civil rights, civil rights leaders, death by exposure, death by freezing, first black woman elected to South Carolina legislature, Guardian UK, Juanita Goggins, mental illness, obscure political figures, posterity, William Ayers

 

I am going to Columbia to be a legislator, not just a black spot in the House chambers.        

                                                                                                                                     Juanita Goggins        

 The story of Juanita Goggins is at times both inspiring and pathetic.  Goggins, whom the Guardian calls “a trailblazing politician and civil rights activist,” was the first black woman elected to the South Carolina legislature.  Despite such a monumental zenith, Goggins’ was found earlier this month frozen to death in her rented South Carolina home.  Her neighbors had no idea the part she had played in the civil rights history of South Carolina and of the nation.        

The most compelling historical figures are not cardboard cutouts; they have warts and flaws which help to set their accomplishments in human terms.  Juanita Goggins was certainly no exception.   A great many famous names grapple with one another to gouge out their place in the constantly rewritten history of the civil rights movement.  The cruel proof of posterity’s fickle nature is that it canonizes the likes of race-baiting hustler Al Sharpton or unrepentant terrorist William Ayers, while relegating minor–but important–figures like Juanita Goggins to the dustbin of history.        

 Juanita Who?  Yeah, that’s the rub: Lonely death of Juanita Goggins, trailblazer of US civil rights | World news | guardian.co.uk.        

Smaktakula
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