1%, 99%, AIDS, Allah, Ashton Kutcher, boobs, breasts, death by falling, Demi Moore, Erasure, fecal transplant, gay people, geeks, George Lucas, gonorrhea, headlines, homosexuals, Indiana Jones, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Madonna, Michael Moore, Mississippi, NBA, perverted science, Steven Spielberg, Tennessee, Uganda, Why am I so fat?
Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.
Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.
Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy. It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.
Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.
The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.
Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this. It sucks to be a college student in 2011.
At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.
German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that. But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”
Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.
Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.
Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.
Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’
Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.
Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.
How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums. Even one means the kid’s a homo.
Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.
Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.
DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.
Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.
Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.
Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.