Tag Archives: Elmo

Katy And Russell’s Exciting Temporary Marriage

01 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Celebrity

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By Smaktakula

Surely You're Used To It By Now: Beautiful Women Can't Resist Grimy Douchebags.

Loveliest-girl-in-all-the-world Katy Perry recently married unfunny British career-killer Russell Brand in an ostentatious ceremony in India.

Brand, most famous for boasting on-air about diddling the granddaughter of a British actor, is said to be hanging up his career as a Lothario and eager to settle down to family life.

Russell Brand: What The Cure's Robert Smith Might Look Like If His Body Produced Testosterone.

Promethean Times is delighted by this union, and wishes the lovely couple a lifetime of wonderful memories.

Not everyone is so happy, however:

"Bitch, You're Trippin'. Be A Good Girl And Come On Home Before Elmo Has To Lose His Shit And Choke Himself A Hairy English Motherfucker."

Revealed: The Real Reason Sesame Street Pulled The Katy Perry Apperance

24 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Music, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

The children’s television show Sesame Street has been a hot topic since the show’s producers decided to pull a controversial segment featuring singer Katy Perry. Children’s Television Workshop defended the action, noting that its executive board had reconsidered the segment after receiving a volume of negative feedback.  Parents and youth advocacy groups are said to regard Perry’s plunging neckline as too racy for the children’s show.

The major media outlets all dutifully ran the story, relaying the information the show’s producers had fed them.  However, according to an insider who spoke to Promethean Times on the condition of anonymity, the story about Perry’s revealing outfit was “just so much fluff.”  The source claims that the segment was axed to protect the show’s wholesome reputation after news of an affair between Perry and a Sesame Street cast member became public.

Said the insider:

“Everybody knew what was going on. Ah-ah-ah.  We could hear her moaning in her dressing room all the way from the main stage.  Ah-ah-ah.  It was disgusting.  She moaned one time.  Ah-ah-ah.  She moaned two times.  Ah-ah-ah.  She moaned three times.  Ah-ah-ah.

Do you want me to keep going?  Because it goes on for a while, and if you have not heard, I love to count. Ah-ah-ah.”

"So Then Elmo Sees Katy For The First Time, And Elmo Says, 'Damn, Bitch! Elmo Hasn't Seen Your Fine Ass Around Here Before.' She Was All Like, 'Whatever,' But Elmo Was Like, 'Ho, Let Elmo Lay Some Truth On You: Elmo Is Gonna Tap That Ass Within The Hour. Straight Up.'"

‘Cause It’s Elmo’s World, Beyotch!

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

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By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

Share More Than Herpes With Facebook

Masterpiece? Oh, It’s A Piece All Right . . .

06 Saturday Feb 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula 

In His Magnum Opus, Green Explores Brave New Heights Of Douchebaggery.

Freddy Got Fingered is finally getting the recognition it deserves as one of the worst movies ever made.  Recently, the folks who run the Razzies have declared FGF, along with such cinematic classics as Battlefield Earth, Gigli, I Know Who Killed Me and Swept Away,  in contention for the distinction of  the “Worst Film of the Decade.”

Admittedly, the only film of the five that Promethean Times has seen (or is likely to see) is FGF.  You might think this would preclude us from commenting on this issue, but Promethean Times has never shied away from talking out of our asses, and never will.

 It is our opinion that no other cinematic offering can plumb the wretched depths of inane, vulgar excess with the same degree of panache as the estimable Tom Green.  FGF rewards the brave viewer with cinematic delights heretofore unknown in mainstream movies.  Where else can you see a deranged slacker swing a newborn baby around a bloody hospital room while its mother wails for him to stop?  Is there any other movie where the protagonist beats his paraplegic girlfriend’s legs with a stick as a form of foreplay?  Have you ever seen a man use an elephant’s penis as a gun, shooting his father with pachyderm ejaculate?  Freddy Got Fingered offers all these things and more.  It is not simply the worst movie of the decade, but one of the lowest points in the long history of cinema.

If Freddy Got Fingered loses to any of these other minor turkeys as “Worst Movie of the Decade,” the resulting violence will make 1994 Rwanda look like a slap-fight between Richard Simmons and Elmo.