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Jehovah’s Witnesses: You Might Like To Know

02 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Religion

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

bravery, communists, criminals, fascism, Germany, Gypsies, Holocaust, homosexuals, Jehovah's Witnesses, Jews, muslims, Nazi Germany, religious intolerance, Roma, shut your mouth!, United States of America, Watchtower

Originally posted 10.04.11

By Smaktakula

Although They Don’t Celebrate Holidays, Every Day Is A Party For The Witnesses.

Admit it, you don’t know much about the Jehovah’s Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of The Watchtower in hand.

Unlike Jews Or Muslims, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Exist For You To Mock.

You may know some of the more peculiar details of the Witnesses’ faith–the failed doomsday predictions, their lack of cool holidays or Witnesses’ refusal to salute the flag. Moreover, they refuse blood transfusions and military service. Most peculiar of all, like Jews and Seventh Day Adventists, Witnesses choose to ruin their Saturday with church, rather than the accepted Western tradition of Church on Sunday.

Pull The Curtains And Turn Off The TV Unless You’ve Got Three Hours To Kill.

But most people don’t know the price the Witnesses have paid over the years for their anti-militaristic views. Their refusal to serve in World War I angered fascistic governments in Germany and the United States, resulting in persecution and imprisonment.  During the Holocaust, Jehovah’s Witnesses paid with their lives, sent to the camps along with Gypsies, Jews, homosexuals, communists and common criminals. But unlike many of the others, whose offense to Nazi Germany was tied to some immutable condition, all the Witnesses had to do to save their own lives was to shut up about the Holocaust. Contrarians to the end, they refused. Their devotion was such that SS captains implored their lethal stooges to be as fanatical as the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

You Had No Fucking Idea, Did You?

Lastly, everyone must agree that given the Witnesses’ literal belief that only 144,000 souls will be admitted to heaven, it’s pretty generous of them to go door to door every week. With such a small number of the elect slated to make it into heaven, a Jehovah’s Witness puts his or her spot in jeopardy with every knock on the door.

The Witnesses Politely Told The Nazis To Enjoy Relations With Themselves.

Headlines 11.09.11

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1%, 99%, AIDS, Allah, Ashton Kutcher, boobs, breasts, death by falling, Demi Moore, Erasure, fecal transplant, gay people, geeks, George Lucas, gonorrhea, headlines, homosexuals, Indiana Jones, Iran, Iranian Hostage Crisis, Madonna, Michael Moore, Mississippi, NBA, perverted science, Steven Spielberg, Tennessee, Uganda, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

The Devil You Say!

Promethean Times’ semi-regular celebration of illiteracy–we read the headlines and skip the articles.

***

Grandmother Gives Worst ‘Reason’ for Tossing 2-Year-Old Over Mall Balcony ~ Because there are so many good reasons for hurling your grandson to his death.

Ashton Kutcher Cheated on Demi Moore With 2 Girls in Hot Tub on Anniversary ~ Have a little sympathy.  It’s like the prettiest girl in class just woke up from a nightmare to discover she’s married to her mom.

Mississippi man leads anti-illegal-immigrant movement ~ This will undoubtedly harm Mississippi’s reputation as a progressive bastion.

The Many Splendors of Boobs ~ We’re with you on this one.

What’s Not To Like?

Gonorrhea is becoming ‘Incurable’ ~ AIDS, an increasing awareness of sexual harassment and now this.  It sucks to be a college student in 2011.

At 22, Tennessee woman is mom to 13 Ugandan children ~ Tramp.

German officials admit using spyware on citizens ~ A German official said, “Yeah, it’s bad to trample the civil rights of your own people like that.  But hey–we’ve done worse, right?”

Autopsy of 11-Year-Old Celina Cass Has Sad Results ~ We challenge you to find a child’s autopsy with happy results.

Iran plot may signal ominous turn by regime ~Because heretofore those hostage-taking, Holocaust-denying lunatics have been pretty good neighbors.

They’ve Been Known To Let American Guests Stay For Up To 444 Days.

Would NBA players start their own league? ~ No doubt those financial maestros will turn the new enterprise into a gold mine.

Violinists play über-sized fiddle ~ Can you just say ‘large?’

Man Beats His Wife to Death for Understandable Reason ~ You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit.

Don’t Burn Your Baby in the Oven ~ Make sure you set the timer for no more than 15-25 minutes so that it stays pink inside.

How To Tell If Your Son Is Gay ~ Erasure albums.  Even one means the kid’s a homo.

Michael Moore confesses: I am the 1 percent ~ He ate the other 99%.

Still Fat.

Madonna’s brother is homeless ~ Newsflash: Madonna’s a shitty sister.

DOCTORS NOTE SUCCESS WITH ‘FECAL‘ TRANSPLANTS ~ Sometimes the key to saving your life is taking somebody else’s shit.

Spielberg tells Indiana Jones fans: ‘Crystal Skull’ was George’s idea ~ Throwing Lucas under the bus was Steve’s idea.

Geek image deters girls from cybersecurity careers ~ Mommy & Housewife don’t carry that geek image.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Despite Islam’s Proscription Against Pork, Some Dudes Have A Hard Time Staying Away From The Sausage.

MORE HEADLINES:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
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  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX

Clarifying Our Position On Gays In The Military

02 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

are we STILL talking about this?, bigotry, childish sexual innuendo, Don't Ask Don't Tell, equal rights, gay people, homosexuality, homosexuals, military, the navy's pretty gay already, United States of America, US Navy, Won't Ask Don't Care, you got a real purty mouth

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Many Soldiers Have Served Under Gay Commanders With Great Satisfaction.

With the repeal of the cowardly “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” now at hand, America is finally forced to come to grips with the notion of openly gay people serving in the military.  Our position on homosexuals serving in the military–or in doing anything anyone else does–is as follows:

Won’t ask.  Don’t Care.

Gay Men In The Navy? WHAAAAAA?!?

Seriously, the gender of the person you sleep with is the least interesting thing about you.

A gay couple gets married?  Don’t care.
Lesbians decide to adopt a child?  Don’t care.
A gay man for president? Don’t care.
Gay people upset because Promethean Times pokes fun at them?  Don’t care. ∞T.

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