Tag Archives: happy thoughts

A New Golden Rule

16 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, Philosophy, Science

≈ 43 Comments

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By Smaktakula

In which we present a happy thought for the weekend:

It’s True: We Spend A Good Deal Of Our Free Time Devising Ways To Bring A Little More Sunshine Into Your Life.

Life is demanding, noisy and chaotic. It is distracting. The myriad stimuli with which we anesthetize ourselves and to which we have become hopelessly addicted often obscure the everyday wonders which are never in short supply, but lacking the stridency and sex-appeal of electronic gadgetry, go so often unnoticed.

One such simple but overlooked beauty of life is manifested in a biological quirk: that men and boys are able to pee standing up. Although this truth is known to virtually the entire human population over the age of two, very few stop to consider the full ramifications of this notion.

Eww. See? You’re Not Ready For This Awesome Privilege.

Contemplating the nature of the standing pee is of benefit to both sexes.  Reduced to its essence, it becomes a liberating, powerful concept:

Men, the world itself is your urinal.

Take joy in this freedom to go where you want to go.

There’s Only One Rule: Shake It Off Before It Goes Back In Your Pants.

And ladies, that the world is not your urinal no doubt comes as something of a relief.

Any Time. Any Place. Any Reason.

Back in college, this one dude got pretty fucked up one night and peed on every single exterior stairway handrail on campus. He regretted it the next morning, but what could he do?–so he never told anyone.  If you ever happen to find yourself at a particular small, Southern California liberal arts college, avoid the payphones for the same reason.  ∞ T.

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Dee-Vine Justice

19 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in Religion

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By Smaktakula

When notoriously unfriendly douchebag Reverend Fred Phelps finally shuffles off this mortal coil and meets the Almighty, wouldn’t it be super if He looked like this?

"I Hate WHAT? Oh No. Oh No You Di'nt. Oh No, Girlfriend--You Did NOT Just Say That!"

Hey now, Sugartits–you ever play a game called ‘Where’s the serpent?’

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Thank Goodness This Asshole Wasn’t Your College Roommate

01 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Voyeuristic cock-knocker Dharun Ravi had no idea that his cruel, invasive prank would lead to his roommate Tyler Clementi’s suicide and subsequent metaphorical rebirth as the 21st Century’s Matthew Shepard.  The two Rutgers freshmen had by all accounts a fairly amicable relationship, although Ravi had allegedly expressed apprehension about Clementi’s homosexuality.

Dharun Ravi: Failed To Anticipate The Possible Fallout From Humiliating His Potentially Unstable Gay College Roommate During A Slow News Cycle.

Whether his actions were spurred by homophobia or simply because he was a festering genital lesion, Ravi secretly recorded what is being called “a sexual encounter” between Clementi and another male, and then uploaded it onto the internet.

Clementi, in an apparent suicide three days later, leapt to his death from the George Washington Bridge.

Rather than Thank Goodness This Asshole Wasn’t Your College Roommate, we could have just as easily called it Thank Goodness You’re Not Dharun Ravi, because that guy is F-U-C-K-E-D.

"Damn, Kid--I'm So Glad I'm Not You Right Now."

Indisputably Good News

24 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in People, South America

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Feared dead two weeks after a cave-in trapped them a third of a mile beneath the earth, 33 Chilean miners were recently found alive.    

A caveat: It’ll take a few months to reach them.    

Reportedly, The Trapped Miners Are Praying That The 'GLEE' Fad Will Be Over By The Time They're Released From Their Sunless Tomb.

Hang tight, Boys!  Help is on the way.

Tap Out An SOS To Facebook

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad

03 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 5 Comments

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By Smaktakula

In the tradition of such illustrious space-wasters as Brian “Kato” Kaelin and Kevin “K-Fed” Federline, unctuous pimp Michael Lohan has managed to keep food in his belly by crafting a persona famous for being semi-famous.  Lohan, no doubt a subscriber to the maxim, “All Roads Lead To Branson,” evinces no embarrassment that his appropriated “career” is supported only by clinging pathetically to his out-of-control offspring with all the tenacity and class of a Calcutta fare-dodger.

Lohan: Not A Homosexual, But A Massive Gaywad Nonetheless.

With Lohan’s bottom bitch in rehab following a short stint in jail, the talentless remora’s earning power has been drastically curtailed.  Typically, a cockroach will exhaust all means of escape when caught by surprise on a brightly lit kitchen floor. Periplaneta lohanis, a rare but particularly unpleasant sub-species, displays a markedly perverse tendency to do the opposite.  Rather than flee, Lohan is attracted to anything bright and shiny, scurrying from spotlight to spotlight in a desperate effort to wring every last drop from his fifteen minutes of unearned notoriety.

In a recent interview Lohan gushed, “I definitely blame myself and take responsibility for where my daughter is.”  It is extremely unlikely that Lohan would be so quick to take responsibility for his daughter’s actions if doing so carried with it any consequences.  However, since soul-searching self-recrimination costs Lohan nothing, and is unlikely to deprive him of his freedom, he can use it as a sop to the five or six people who have somehow managed to convince themselves that this leering cretin has in any way his daughter’s interests at heart.

Bonding With The Progeny: Bitch Better Have My Money.

It is certainly true that Lohan, abetted by his despicable ex-wife Dina, was a thoroughly shitty parent, and Promethean Times would like nothing better than to assign to Lohan the blame not only for the ruination of his own daughter, but also for such varied disasters as the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, the Challenger Explosion, and greenlighting  New Coke.

Moreover, you can bet that no one holds Michael Lohan more responsible for the former starlet’s wretched condition than does his daughter, who has demonstrated a nearly sociopathic refusal to accept responsibility for her actions.  Nonetheless, it must generally be agreed that at some point a 24-year old woman is responsible for her own disastrous choices. With only two or three years at most left to live, Lindsay would be well-served to spend her remaining days judiciously.  Although such an outcome is unlikely, the younger Lohan can be thankful at least that her father cannot live her life for her.

Reminiscent Of Kapra's 'It's A Wonderful Life,' Lindsay Is Given The Opportunity To See What Her Father's Life Would Be Like If She Had Never Been Born.

Despite his staggering lack of either merit or talent, Michael Lohan stands head and shoulders above the teeming legions of Hollywood hangers-on.  It’s no feat to be hated by your ex-wife, and neither does the animosity directed at Lohan by his own offspring set him apart from rank-and-file deadbeats throughout the world.  Rather, it  is his perverse compulsion to share with the world through the miracle of the 24-hour news cycle his complete and utter failure as a father, husband and human being that catapults Michael Lohan into stratospheric company among the world’s elite paragons of cretinous douchebaggery.

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Be Glad You’re Not This Guy

16 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by in Crime, General Foolishness, Health, History, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Abusive inebriate John Wayne Bobbitt was such a cock-knocker that in 1993 his wife Lorena severed half his penis, hurling the bloody nugget into a field.  

The missing member was recovered after an exhaustive search, and the cock (by which we mean the ironically-named Bobbitt) made whole.          

Sadly, the couple divorced in 1995.         

Not Only Did JWB Lose Sensation In His Penis, But Also Any Notion Of Dignity.

Happy Thoughts For Today: Racking The Rev

28 Friday May 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

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Picture Reverend Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church getting kicked in the nuts. 

"God Hates FaYEAAAAAAARUGH!"

Have a great one!