Tags
addiction, alcohol, Carlos Irwin Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Colorado, domestic violence, douchebaggery, drug addiction, drugs, jackassery, laugh track, Look Who's Talking?, Max Headroom, Pauly Shore, rehab, substance abuse, tabloid headline, Three Men and a Baby, untalented stars, White Power
By Smaktakula
Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence. Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation. This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.
Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.
For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom. This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.
Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean. Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.
His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.
Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.
Promethean Times 
Yaaay Colorado! We’re finally one of the cool kids.
I’ve done my best to avoid mocking Charlie Sheen for the same reason that I try to avoid mocking car accidents—too easy and too cruel—but he’s worn me down to the point where I really can’t help myself.