Author Archives: Smaktakula

Boycott Trudy’s Dog Washing Service!

25 Friday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

Are You Bringing Trudy Your Dogs–Or Your Soul?

Join us on Friday, November 25th, 2011 in our one-day boycott of Trudy’s Dog Washing Service.  For the community’s good, let’s hit this fatcat where it hurts–in her wallet!

For fifteen years Trudy Schwarz has sucked the lifeblood from this community.  Perspicacious enough to notice that seemingly everyone owned a dog, but that very few enjoyed washing the animals, Schwarz exploited this gap by offering to perform these duties for $35.  $35 might not seem like much money, but when you take into account the millions of dog owners in the United States, if each dog visited Schwarz’ business only once year, Trudy’s Dog Washing Service would still be grossing a cool $35 million.

Why Not Do It Yourself?

There are those who will say that Schwarz is providing a service that pet owners are unwilling to perform themselves, and that the small fee is appropriate compensation for her labors.    However, this view dangerously misreads Schwarz’s motives.

Kia spectra 2001

Schwarz Thinks She’s Hot Stuff ‘Cause Her Car’s Paid Off.

Make no mistake–Trudy Schwarz wants your dog to be dirty.  She wants you to bring the dog to her so she can clean it.  But don’t for a minute think that she’s doing this because she cares about you or your dog.  Schwarz is bathing your animal for one reason and one reason only–money.  It’s likely that profit is the sole reason Schwarz got into the dog washing business in the first place.

Like the fleas she sprays from your dog’s belly, Trudy Schwarz is a vicious parasite, sucking the precious lifeblood from America’s consumers.  For one day at least, let’s tell Trudy Schwarz to let her kids go hungry.

 

IMAGE REMOVED DUE TO SAND IN THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER’S VAGINA

Scientists Identify Ice As Long-Suspected Link Between Cube And T

23 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Science

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By Smaktakula

The Bridge Between Doughboy & B.A. Baracus.

Observe:

ICE CUBE

Actor In Family-Themed Straight-To-DVD Movies. Former Hip-Hop Artist.

ICE-T

Pretends To Be A Cop, But Actually Isn't. Sang About Killing Cops But Never Did.

MR. T

Philanthropist. Known For Expressions Of Great Pathos For The Unwise.

Ice is clearly the link.  But as the so-called ‘T Equation’ (T> (C+I)²) demonstrates, Ice also acts as an inhibiting factor, dampening the megadoses of cool that naturally accompany pure T.

You Can't 'Just Say No' To Mr. T.

Trees: The Silent Killer

22 Tuesday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

It Happens Just Like This.

Several news organizations, most notably Promethean Times, have long been skeptical of nature’s ostensibly beneficent disposition toward humanity.  The popular fiction of nature is that of a homeostatic system, designed to encourage and perpetuate terrestrial life.  As we have long suspected, events in Cambodia are proving the converse: Mother Nature is out to get you.

She Hates You So Much. You Have No Idea.

The trouble began when a group of 136 students at Kompong Cham High School abruptly lost consciousness.  Initial reports identified the mass fainting spell as the result of the students being forced to stand at attention by an overzealous school master for failing to properly salute the nation’s flag.  This analysis was revealed to be dangerously naive .

It's Kind Of A Goofy Flag In The First Place.

As it turns out, the real culprit was the abundance of huge trees surrounding the school.  Historically, the earth’s flora have absorbed carbon dioxide for millennia untold, all the while releasing life-giving oxygen into the atmosphere.  The natural order has changed, however, claims Heng Meng, police chief of the Chamkar Leu district and apparently the country’s leading environmental scientist, who says that the massive trees have now decided to hoard oxygen, resulting in the mass fainting.

But Not Always, Apparently.

In any other country, these life-stealing trees would undoubtedly be allowed to continue victimizing the young while politicians grandstanded for the television cameras and argued among themselves.  But Cambodia is a country historically predisposed to quick and furious action.  If the past is any indication, those plucky Cambodians will soon uproot the trees in the middle of the night and round them up in a central location, perhaps a sports stadium or municipal park, at which point the trees will be shot in the back and dumped in mass graves.

Considering What Cambodians Have Been Willing To Do To Their Own People, We'd Say Those Trees Are Fucked.

celibate national bad grammer day

21 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By smaktakula

We Know Some People Like That.

it seems like nobody gives a care about grammer theseadays.  from angry rants on internet 2 billbords 2 newspaper articles our growing grammatical dumbness is transforming into a national trate trate and not just grammer but also spelling and other stuff

americans should take notice of this cause the rest of the world has.  they look with enviosy at are raw, untamed ignorance and say God damm those are some stupid basterds!  why than should’nt we all so embrace this disti uniqueness and have a special day wear we honor talking bad? lol

americans join us on friday novem. 31st to celibate are own thing or whatever were tired of talking l8s

In Case You Wanted To Know.

Totilly.

On The Plus Side, She Probably Won't Be Able To Read Really Big Words Like 'Rohypnol.'

Prior To Reconstruction, The Road Had Served As An Expressway To A Bright And Shining Future.

It Means Doin' It With Animals.

Ha Ha, But Not Really--English Nerds Don't Do It At All.

Just Like The Real Nazis. Except For All The Mass Murder.

We love you long time.  ∞ T.

Sperm Bank Employees Deserve A More Dignified Title

18 Friday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

We Didn't See This Coming, But You Must Admit, It Makes A Certain Sense.

Sometimes, all an industry needs to pick up its spirits is a new name.  When airline stewardesses realized they weren’t being taken seriously, they became flight attendants, with all the glamour and prestige the name implies.  Other industries were quick to follow; a secretary may have been prized for her shorthand skills and ability to fellate the boss, but an administrative assistant is a power-player within the company.  It continues: doctors are now healthcare providers, street musicians are buskers and housewives are homemakers.  Even bums have been jumped up to ‘homeless people.’

But at least one industry has thus far been left behind in the evolutionary progress of language: the sperm bank employee, those dedicated professionals for whom we jerk off into a cup.  Not only is their job every bit as disgusting as the minimum-wage schlub who mops the floors at Bob’s Dirty Book Emporium, but theirs is a profession mocked and derided at every turn.  Promethean Times believes that we can best honor these hard-working spunk-monkeys by calling them by a title befitting the dignity and prestige of their position.  We suggest jizzmastre.

Yeah, It Tastes Funny, But It's Full Of Protein.

Look, if you can call the perky young thing at Starbucks a barista and still keep a straight face, jizzmastre shouldn’t be much of a stretch. ∞ T.

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Photographing Your Junk

17 Thursday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

This Achieves The Same End, And Unless You Work For The Citrus Growers Association, Is Not Likely To Get You Fired.

If you’re the kind of dude who photographs and then texts pictures of his genitals, we have a hint for you.  Given the likelihood that your boudoir photos will someday resurface to potentially ruin your life, why not take precautions now to mitigate that eventual crash?

People Are Less Interested In The Indiana Whitesnake Than You Might Imagine.

We recommend making it a habit to carry your cell phone in your crotch.  When people inevitably ask you why you do it, say, “I know it sounds crazy, but a cell phone, like the human body, functions best at 98.6 degrees.”  Those to whom you pass on this fib will either swallow it whole or else believe you to be a drooling moron.  Either way they’ll likely leave you alone about it.  And by carrying your phone in your crotch–and more importantly being known as the kind of jackass who carries his phone in his crotch–you’ll provide your eventual excuse–‘Golly, I don’t know how that happened!‘–with just a smidgen of believability.

Are We Wrong To Want To Preserve Some Of Life's Delicate Mystery?

Flint, Michigan: A Great Place To Be Raped And Killed

16 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

And Rape. Don't Forget Rape.

It’s easy to feel sorry for Flint, Michigan.  The decline of the American Auto industry has hit the decaying rust belt hellhole harder than most cities, and the town that gave us Michael Moore, Sandra Bernhard and Grand Funk Railroad is but a bleak, violence-torn shadow of the bustling, can-do city of yesteryear.  It’s no wonder that so many people believe Flint’s best days are behind it.

Although Today The Band Is Just A Nostalgia Act, Flint's Grand Funk Remains A Sad Reality.

But this view, which relies entirely upon conventional thinking, fails to take into account some very real superlatives.  While Flint may be completely lacking in viable industry, a reliable police force or a functioning infrastructure,  factors which have previously been used to determine a city’s livability, it nonetheless possesses unique features ripe for promotion.  One way in which Flint has for many years quietly distinguished itself is in the fact that there are few places in the United States where you are so likely to be brutally violated or killed.

Most Small Business Owners In Flint's Historic Downtown Prefer Cash Transactions, So Bring Plenty Of Bills. Maybe Also Some Pepper Spray.

If Flint’s City Fathers fail to embrace proactive strategies, they will be unable to capitalize on the Michigan cesspit’s surfeit of violence and murders.  They would do well to follow the example of the Chinese, who use the same word for both ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity,’* and turn their wheels into the skid.  Like Salem Massachusetts, which, after years of avoiding association with its shameful witch-slaughtering past, embraced its dark history in recent decades and is richer for it, Flint could benefit from highlighting rather than hiding the tide of pain and misery running through its streets.  Plain old Flint, Michigan might not be much of a draw for tourists, but who wouldn’t want to visit Killtown, USA?

Don't Hold Your Breath. He Didn't Do A Thing To Save New Orleans, And We've Gotta Tell You--That Place Is A Whole Lot More Fun.

*While this is not entirely factual, the trope has been repeated so often that it might as well be.  ∞T.

Katching Up WIth K-Fed

15 Tuesday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

As it turns out, not much is going on.

The Formerly-Famous Fresnan* Is Seen Loitering With An Unidentified Woman, Possibly A Baby Mama.

* Fresnan: noun 1) a person from Fresno, California; 2) rascal, lout or douchebag.  ∞T.

I ♥ That Sweet, Sweet Ass!

14 Monday Nov 2011

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By Smaktakula

There's An Old Saying: "If You Can't Find Love In Zimbabwe, Take Yourself To A Place That's Not Quite So Shitty And Try Your Luck There."

Zimbabwe has worked hard to achieve its worldwide recognition as an unlivable hellhole.  As difficult as it may be to believe, Zimbabwe (formerly known as Rhodesia) was once one of Africa’s most prosperous countries.  However, since assuming power in 1980, race-baiting kleptocrat Robert Mugabe has managed to line his own pockets while driving the wretched country spiralling into an economic deathspin.

But for a brief, impossibly delicate moment, one young man thought he had found a little oasis of delight in this broken land of ruined dreams.  Sunday Moro was in love, his miserable life suddenly given meaning and joy through requited affection.  Sadly for young Moro, his was a love his neighbors in the village of Zvishavane simply could not countenance.

We Can't Really Blame Mayo's Love Problems On The ChocoFührer, But God Knows--He's Turned Everything Else In Zimbabwe To Shit.

Trouble came one dark morning at 4:00 AM, when fellow villagers found Moro making sweet, sweet love to his amour, whom, in a fit of kink, the young man had tied to a tree.  The puritanical villagers wasted no time in denouncing the lovers, calling their union “unnatural” and “an affront to all that is holy or even decent.”

Surprisingly, She Cares Not At All For The Donkey Punch.

The love-smitten fornicator tried to explain that, yes, he was fucking a donkey, but could provide an explanation he felt would satisfy his toughest critics.  According to Moro, the beast of burden had been an actual human prostitute when he’d picked her up the night before for $20 US.  However, in addition to being both physically attractive and a great conversationalist, Moro’s beloved was apparently a powerful sorceress, who transformed herself into a donkey shortly before the interlopers arrived.

According to the AP, Mayo said, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with (the) donkey.”  Sunday Mayo’s unusual appetites can teach us all a thing or two about the mysterious powers of love:  not only is it color-blind, but also apparently non-speciesist.

"Where We No Longer Tolerate Donkey-Fucking."