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Tag Archives: murder

This Day In Alternate History: Yoko Ono Slain

03 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, History, Music, News

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

alternate history, Chad, Cyndi Lauper, death by John Lennon, death by Ringo Starr, drugs, Germany, John Lennon, Mexico, murder, New York, outright lies, Ross Perot, succubi, the Beatles, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Why God? Why?, wish fulfillment, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

You're Just Giving Us Ideas, Yoko.

Some call it ‘The Day the Music Didn’t Die,’ and for others it is simply ‘Ononacht.’ In Germany the holiday is known as Tag der toten Hexe, and goes by Tiempo de Quietud in Mexico. In Chad it’s a complicated series of clicks. This auspicious date is known by myriad names throughout the world: regardless of what it is called, nearly everyone remembers the event through the same blood-hued image of a deranged, frozen-fish wielding John Lennon beating to death a wailing Yoko Ono.

Proof That No Matter How Powerful Or Talented, When Drugs Enter The Picture, A Man Will Fuck A Tree-Sloth.

New Yorkers will recall how the biting cold which had settled over the city on that December day in 1980 was almost magically dispelled as the happy news began to spread throughout the city: Despised succubus Yoko Ono was dead, beaten about the head and face with some kind of fish–possibly a cod or grouper, and then stabbed twenty-eight times with a glass chrysanthemum. The news that John Lennon was the sole suspect in the slaying was met with little surprise, but much empathy.

The Assault Was Vicious And Unprovoked.

Initially, authorities were reluctant to pursue charges against the legendary singer.  Said a police representative, “We scoured the scene looking for any shred of evidence that Ms. Ono’s demise was simply a happy accident; we had our best men on it. I may have my own feelings on this matter, but the law is very clear: if there’s a dead body, we’re required to find a perp. And since Mr. Lennon was discovered at the scene crouched weeping over Ono’s battered carcass and bathed in her eerie greenish blood, there wasn’t much I could do.”

The Reaction To The News Of Yoko's Death Was Immediate And Unanimous.

Lennon was acquitted after a two-month trial, his legal team having mounted a spirited and successful justifiable homicide defense. Although this verdict proved only slightly controversial in 1981, it is unanimously heralded today, as Ono’s death removed the final obstacle preventing a long-awaited Beatles reunion. Sadly, the Beatles’ comeback album, Still Lettin’ It Be, proved a commercial and critical failure, the majority of which was attributed to Ringo Starr’s drum playing. Today, however, the album is remembered more fondly, particularly as only two of the Beatles remain alive–Ringo died along with Cyndi Lauper in a 1986 murder-suicide pact, and George Harrison was slain two years later by crazed fan Ross Perot.

Banging Yoko Ono When You're A Rock Star Is Like A Rich Dude Buying A Chevy Lumina. Why Would You Do It?

Yoko Ono is  a relic of a horrible and best-forgotten past, who, if she is remembered at all, is known as the Delilah who nearly destroyed the greatest rock & roll group of all time. We can be grateful, however, that she did not succeed, and imagine instead a world where it was Lennon rather than Ono who was slain, and where the shrieking, talentless howler monkey lived on leech-like upon the great man’s legacy. Such a possibility is too depressingly horrible to even contemplate.

That's Just Not A World In Which We Want To Live.

Flint, Michigan: A Great Place To Be Raped And Killed

16 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Flint, Grand Funk Railroad, impoverished third-world hellhole, Killtown USA, Michael Moore, Michigan, murder, places that suck, rape, rust belt, Sandra Bernhard, United States of America, unlivable places

By Smaktakula

And Rape. Don't Forget Rape.

It’s easy to feel sorry for Flint, Michigan.  The decline of the American Auto industry has hit the decaying rust belt hellhole harder than most cities, and the town that gave us Michael Moore, Sandra Bernhard and Grand Funk Railroad is but a bleak, violence-torn shadow of the bustling, can-do city of yesteryear.  It’s no wonder that so many people believe Flint’s best days are behind it.

Although Today The Band Is Just A Nostalgia Act, Flint's Grand Funk Remains A Sad Reality.

But this view, which relies entirely upon conventional thinking, fails to take into account some very real superlatives.  While Flint may be completely lacking in viable industry, a reliable police force or a functioning infrastructure,  factors which have previously been used to determine a city’s livability, it nonetheless possesses unique features ripe for promotion.  One way in which Flint has for many years quietly distinguished itself is in the fact that there are few places in the United States where you are so likely to be brutally violated or killed.

Most Small Business Owners In Flint's Historic Downtown Prefer Cash Transactions, So Bring Plenty Of Bills. Maybe Also Some Pepper Spray.

If Flint’s City Fathers fail to embrace proactive strategies, they will be unable to capitalize on the Michigan cesspit’s surfeit of violence and murders.  They would do well to follow the example of the Chinese, who use the same word for both ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity,’* and turn their wheels into the skid.  Like Salem Massachusetts, which, after years of avoiding association with its shameful witch-slaughtering past, embraced its dark history in recent decades and is richer for it, Flint could benefit from highlighting rather than hiding the tide of pain and misery running through its streets.  Plain old Flint, Michigan might not be much of a draw for tourists, but who wouldn’t want to visit Killtown, USA?

Don't Hold Your Breath. He Didn't Do A Thing To Save New Orleans, And We've Gotta Tell You--That Place Is A Whole Lot More Fun.

*While this is not entirely factual, the trope has been repeated so often that it might as well be.  ∞T.

No One Loves Lucy

29 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

acquittal, bitch had it coming, cartoon characters, Charles M. Schultz, Charlie Brown, comic strips, evil bitch, exculpatory evidence, Lucy steals the football, Lucy van Pelt, murder, peanuts, revenge, that trick never works

By Smaktakula

Presenting the exculpatory piece of evidence which led to the defendant’s successful acquittal on a second-degree murder charge in The People vs. Brown.

When The Jurors Saw This Image, Brown's "The Bitch Had It Coming Defense" No Longer Seemed Quite So Brazen.

Promethean Short Short Stories: The Doomed Man

29 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Big Man, cowardice, flash fiction, murder, Promethean Short Short Stories

By Smaktakula

While the old folks couldn’t agree on the name of that long-ago stranger, they accorded that his aims had been righteous and his grievances valid, ignoring that those had been their aims and grievances too.

In half-remembered youth they had gathered mutely on the Common as the stranger and his grim company strode past like avatars of the gods come to deliver them from misfortune.  They crept like lingering shadows behind the small band to the Big Man’s house.

There they watched as the Big Man’s gunmen cut down the stranger and his party like dogs.

An Amtrak Murder Mystery!

20 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Agatha Christie, Amtrak, Barbara Arteta, broken neck, death by train, Did she jump or was she pushed?, Florida, Georgia, Greyhound, It's always the husband, murder, Murder on the Olahatchee Express, murdering spouses, mysterious death, rolling bedlam, Sanford, train travel, trains, Wayne County, white trash

By Smaktakula

In rural Wayne County, Georgia, no one expected to find a corpse lying alongside the train tracks.  The body, belonging to a middle-aged white woman, had a broken neck, as well as other injuries.

The New Amtrak Promises Heart-Pounding Excitement. The Decrepit Spinster Who Babbles Incessantly About Her 12 Cats Named 'Muffin' May Just Be A Murderess!

The victim was Barbara Arteta, an Amtrak passenger destined for Sanford, Florida.  Arteta had been reported missing earlier by her husband when she failed to appear at the Sanford station.  Authorities are unable to determine if Arteta was pushed or if she jumped, but since she was not in possession of the $1,000 in cash her family told investigators she was carrying, authorities are calling the death ‘suspicious.’

The situation is not unlike an Agatha Christie murder mystery, with the exception that whereas Christie’s murders were almost always executed with panache and cunning, the real-life slaying is a ham-fisted act of grotesque brutality.  Also, rather than genteel Englishpersons and their silent, darting servants, the motley cast of characters involved in Arteta’s drama are most likely reminiscent of escapees from a Depression-Era freak show.

Any One Of Them Could Have Done It: The Train Passengers Pose With Barbara Arteta's Grieving Husband.

Authorities are questioning the other passengers, but they are not optimistic that a clear answer will reveal itself any time soon.  Until the police unearth some firm leads, Barbara Arteta’s final moments will remain a mystery.

Meanwhile, Greyhound’s corporate officers are said to be delighted that Amtrak’s murder woes have helped the travelling public forget that not only does the craziness found on a single cross-country bus make New York’s Bellevue Hospital seem like a nursing home quilting bee by comparison, but that buses are basically Honeybuckets on wheels.

Don't Make The Same Mistake Babs Did: Keep At Least One Nice Photo Around The House So That If You Are Murdered Or Disappear Mysteriously, You Won't Be Posthumously Humiliated By Your Televised Image.

Promethean Times‘ irresponsible and unfounded determination of the guilty party:  It was the husband.  It’s always the husband.

Things Worth Hoping For: Bert and Ernie

26 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bert, Bert & Ernie, Bert is the man, celebrity breakups, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, domestic violence, Ernie, firearm-related homicides, good manners, muppet-on-muppet violence, murder, proper behavior, Sesame Street, spousal abuse, the love which dare not speak its name

By Smaktakula

Even love has its limits.  How much longer can Bert endure Ernie’s unending cavalcade of tedious bullshit?   

Because Playing The Drums At 2 AM When Your Lover Is Trying To Sleep Is Very Rude, Ernie. Very, Very Rude.

This Day In History: April 19, 1993 CE

19 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1993, Afghanistan, April 19, ATF, Attorney-General, Branch Davidians, David Koresh, homicide, Janet Reno, Kent State, massacre, Miranda Rights, murder, Patriot's Day, religious freedom, religious intolerance, repression of dissent, slaughter, Texas, this day in history, unpunished war criminals, Waco, war criminal

On which Janet Reno hosts a killer Patriot’s Day cookout in the Lonestar State for seventy-six of her closest friends:

Waco: Think 'Afghanistan,' But Without The Miranda Rights.

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Waco: Think Afghanistan, But Without The Miranda Rights

From Veterans Today: Vietnam Veteran Vernon Hunter Murdered

23 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, National Events, People, Terrorism

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

douchebaggery, IRS, murder, Terrorism, Texas, Vernon Hunter

The Better Man

This isn’t a new story.  But with all the attention we give to the jackass who flew his airplane into a building, surely we can spend a moment remembering a real hero.

Two people died.  Read about the one who wasn’t a dickhead: Vietnam Veteran Vernon Hunter Murdered in Texas IRS Crash : Veterans Today.

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