Author Archives: Smaktakula

Aging With Dignity: Men

16 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Many male Baby Boomers are now grandfathers.  Unwilling to relegate themselves to the fusty geriatric-wear favored by their grandfathers, the men of the Woodstock Generation understandably want to do things their way.

To look the part of a grandfather in  days of yore, it was enough that a man had thinning hair and pants that were belted just below his man-boobs.  Today’s granddad chooses to advertise.  There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your grandchildren, but as with almost any sentiment, some means of expression are more appropriate than others.

RIGHT:

How Sweet! Somebody Must Love Her Granddad An Awful Lot!

WRONG:

You're Trying Too Hard. And The Thing About Your Looks Is Creepy.

EVEN WRONGER:

Children: Kick Him In The Nuts And Then Quickly Find An Adult.

You Can Use This One, Folks!

16 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

If recent statistics on bullying are any indication, hostility is on the rise across the board.  In the past, Promethean Times has offered suggestions for dealing with those loutish jackanapes who insist on being rude.

Some People Insist On Being Difficult.

While our advice is typically to turn the other cheek upon encountering such an individual, we acknowledge that this method may not work in every situation.  There are times when necessity compels a person haul back and give some verbal ruffian what’s coming to him.

It is for this reason that we have devised the Promethean Times Method, a universal response to any rude comment, from quiet passive-aggression to mad-dog hostility.  Not only is the PTM utilitarian, but is also a devastatingly incisive bit of wit to which there is no defense.  Best of all, we’ve made it public domain–so you can use it, too!

In Most Instances, We Find That A Simple, Heartfelt Response Is Most Effective.

The Promethean Times Method is simple enough to be demonstrated by the following example:

  • Sneering Ass: Hey, Smaktakula–I heard that your parents were first cousins!
  • Smaktakula: Is that right?  Well, you know what I heard?  FUCK YOU, that’s what I heard!

Use it wisely!

They were SECOND cousins.  That’s legal pretty much everywhere!

Somali Pirates Claim Record Jackpot

15 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

There's Never Been A Better Time To Be A Pirate.

Things haven’t looked this good for corsairs since the days of the Barbary Pirates.  A group of Somali scalawags recently raked in a record jackpot of $12.3 million for the ransom of two ships.

The Western Hemisphere Has Ciudad Juarez. African Aficionados Of Violent Lawlessness Choose The Horn Of Africa.

Experts regard this development not only as a victory for Somali pirates, but also a triumph for proponents of “smart gene/stupid gene” theory.  “This is a very exciting time for fans of maritime piracy,” says scurvologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi.  “What we’re seeing now are the naturally occurring results of the piracy blunders earlier in the year.  With more so-called ‘stupid pirates’ removed from the Somali corsair population, the industry as a whole has grown leaner and meaner.”

A smart-gene pirate named Hussein told Reuters, “We are now counting our cash .  . . Soon we shall get down from the ship.”  Hussein and his merry mates are sure to receive a warm welcome when they return to shore, as well as a harem’s worth of wenches, an age-old perk of piracy.

Somali Pirates Would Totally Have Their Way With These Clowns. And Not In The Way Johnny's Hoping.

There is historical precedent in appeasing pirates.  It was long the policy of the European powers to pay tribute to the pirates of the Barbary Coast.  This policy ended in the early 19th Century after various maritime powers, including the newly-reconstituted US Navy, decided that they could no longer tolerate the pashas’ shenanigans.

"Our Young Nation Has Broken The Barbary States' Axis Of Iniquity. Moreover: Screw You, John Adams!"

Most global economists believe that the growing economic clout of Somalia’s maritime piracy industry will not only pull the impoverished third-world hellhole out of its economic doldrums, but might also encourage other developing coastal nations to launch their own fleet of freebooters.

Because Sometimes The Ladies Want A Take-Charge Guy.

Once-threatened, the future looks strong for the Corsairs of Somalia.  Currently the G20 nations are discussing shipping quotas for the Horn of Africa to ensure that a healthy amount of traffic passes by the Horn to preserve the pirates’ historical way of life.

It Ain’t Easy Being The Tyrant’s Son

12 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Recently-discovered video footage from the 1990s shows the Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un, future comical despot of impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea, as a schoolboy.  Although by this time ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim had yet to develop his ‘Lil weight problem, from the footage it’s clear that already the larval dictator was none too cool.

It’s difficult to say what will happen when an isolated, socially inept, resentful misfit is given absolute authority over a nuclear nation, but no one can doubt that whatever happens, it will be exciting.

Kim Jong-un Applauds

The Porky Pre-Potentate Got His First Taste Of Friendship When His Father Ordered These Three Old Dudes To Hang Out With Him.

Beautiful Spam

12 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , ,

By Smaktakula And PoetBot3000

Promethean Times receives its share of spam, which we endeavor to keep from your sensitive eyes.  However, every great once in a while we encounter something that touches our very souls.  The following work is one such example.

When Life Hands You A Lemon, Say "What The Fuck Is This? I Asked For Spam!"

We won’t dignify the spammer by giving his name or his website–we’ll buy our penis-enlarging ointments elsewhere, thank you very much.  The spammer’s beautiful words, however, do deserve a forum.

With no further explanation, Promethean Times presents what we like to call, Leipzig Blues, or Farewell My Angel Of Heartbreak.

Incident Door,white origin except title blue establishment ball college listen inside since production word could confirm to how engineering once identify directly responsibility finally kind about police notion entirely merely society growing fast dead master sir match practice generation coffee straight roof weight space too rich away importance unit ago just health television disease artist become newspaper her concentrate she observation show potential author system analysis until expression limit arise white just working available beautiful direct have finance down picture map into burn draw fear component journey studio living outside shoot east

"Damn, Son--That Shit Is Tight!"

This Day In History: November 11, 1918 CE

11 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by in History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

On which, at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, an Armistice ends the sanguinary horrors of the First World War, ensuring that armed conflict would from this day forward forever be an ugly artifact of the past.

"So Why Are They Calling It World War ONE?"

Q: Why is World War I sometimes referred to as the ‘Great War?’

A: Because aside from both decimating an entire generation of young men and precipitating the cataclysmic political upheavals of the 20th Century, WWI was pretty great.

Thanks, Vets.

A Boy Named Kick Me

10 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Dealt A Staggering Blow At Birth, Richard Swett Turned His Wheels Into The Skid And Embraced His Handicap.

Since the dawn of time, well-meaning parents have been giving their children ridiculous names.  From the celebrity who bestows the name Pomegranate upon her offspring to the fringy basement-dweller who names his kid Billy Ray Chewbacca, parents from all walks of life enjoy abusing their parental naming rights.

You're Right, This Doesn't Count. But It's Still Funny.

But some go too far.  Most people are by now familiar with the story of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who burdened their son with the name Adolf Hitler Campbell.  His sisters’ fate was worse.  Not only were they also given white supremacist names, but with the added inconvenience of non-traditional spelling and of being unpronounceable to boot: it’s a given that little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will have some trouble on the playground.   Child Protective Services has placed the children in foster care, ostensibly on the grounds of their parents’ health.

In Fairness To Ma And Pa Kuntz, There Isn't A Whole Lot They Could Have Done.

While Der Campbellkinder may be safe in the warm and nurturing arms of the foster care system, thousands of children across the country are still with the demoniacal parents who precipitated this nomenclature-based abuse.  To see this, one has only to know that a handful of poor impulse control dads and enabling moms have stuck their brats with the name ESPN, in honor of the 24-hour cable sports network.

"Can I Tell You, Mom & Dad? Can I Tell You How Much I Hate You?"

Some Helpful Naming Tips:

  • Avoid naming your children after alcoholic beverages.  Weinhard and Jägermeister probably won’t think it’s as cute as you do.
  • Parents whose last name is a verb should exercise EXTREME caution when naming their daughters to avoid the many call girl/exotic dancer combinations.
  • Avoid creative spellings such as Kody, Ayden, Trevis and the like.  Your child is not a heavy metal band.
  • Only name your daughter “Chastity” if you’re a fan of irony.
Smaktakula is a family name!

We’re Not Too Proud To Offer ‘B’ Material

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.

We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators.  We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators.  But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves.  Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant.  As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.

"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"

Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room.  Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.

Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.

We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

What?  They can’t all be winners, folks.

Does God Exist?

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

The Revelatory Powers Of A Burning Bush Are Legendary. Fortunately, Lotrimin Produces An Ointment Which Will Help Soothe The Itching And Discomfort.

Such a fundamentally contentious issue as the existence of a higher power, despite that the question must be answerable by either a yes or no, is too complex to answer neatly in a few short paragraphs, and frankly, more than a little beyond our intellectual safety zone.

Promethean Times is always eager to let our readers do the intellectual hard work.  Leaving the question in your capable hands, we present a single piece of evidence both for and against the existence of the Almighty.

For: Lolcats.

He's Asking For A Cheeseburger, But It's Comically Misspelled! Could You Just Die?

Against: The continuing existence of Yoko Ono.

Tenaciously Managing To Survive Both The Firebombing Of Tokyo And Mark David Chapman's Point-Blank Slaying Of Her Meal-Ticket Husband, This Shrieking Cultural Cockroach Will Outlive Us All.