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Tag Archives: Johnny Depp

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Somali Pirates Claim Record Jackpot

15 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Africa, appeasement, Axis of Iniquity, Barbary Pirates, buccaneers, Ciudad Juarez, corsairs, Eastern Hemisphere, freebooters, G20, Horn of Africa, Hussein, I do it for the wenches, impoverished third-world hellhole, Jackpot, John Adams, Johnny Depp, maritime trade, Orlando Bloom, pashas, piracy, piracy perks, pirates, Pirates of the Caribbean, scalawags, scallywags, Scrooge McDuck, Smart Gene, Somali pirates, Somalia, Stupid Gene, Thomas Jefferson, US Navy, Western Hemisphere, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

There's Never Been A Better Time To Be A Pirate.

Things haven’t looked this good for corsairs since the days of the Barbary Pirates.  A group of Somali scalawags recently raked in a record jackpot of $12.3 million for the ransom of two ships.

The Western Hemisphere Has Ciudad Juarez. African Aficionados Of Violent Lawlessness Choose The Horn Of Africa.

Experts regard this development not only as a victory for Somali pirates, but also a triumph for proponents of “smart gene/stupid gene” theory.  “This is a very exciting time for fans of maritime piracy,” says scurvologist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi.  “What we’re seeing now are the naturally occurring results of the piracy blunders earlier in the year.  With more so-called ‘stupid pirates’ removed from the Somali corsair population, the industry as a whole has grown leaner and meaner.”

A smart-gene pirate named Hussein told Reuters, “We are now counting our cash .  . . Soon we shall get down from the ship.”  Hussein and his merry mates are sure to receive a warm welcome when they return to shore, as well as a harem’s worth of wenches, an age-old perk of piracy.

Somali Pirates Would Totally Have Their Way With These Clowns. And Not In The Way Johnny's Hoping.

There is historical precedent in appeasing pirates.  It was long the policy of the European powers to pay tribute to the pirates of the Barbary Coast.  This policy ended in the early 19th Century after various maritime powers, including the newly-reconstituted US Navy, decided that they could no longer tolerate the pashas’ shenanigans.

"Our Young Nation Has Broken The Barbary States' Axis Of Iniquity. Moreover: Screw You, John Adams!"

Most global economists believe that the growing economic clout of Somalia’s maritime piracy industry will not only pull the impoverished third-world hellhole out of its economic doldrums, but might also encourage other developing coastal nations to launch their own fleet of freebooters.

Because Sometimes The Ladies Want A Take-Charge Guy.

Once-threatened, the future looks strong for the Corsairs of Somalia.  Currently the G20 nations are discussing shipping quotas for the Horn of Africa to ensure that a healthy amount of traffic passes by the Horn to preserve the pirates’ historical way of life.

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

Share More Than Herpes With Facebook

Johnny Depp To Make Rare Television Appearance For West Memphis Three

26 Friday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, People, Religion, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Arkansas, Damien Echols, Dixie Chicks, Eddie Vedder, Jason Baldwin, Johnny Depp, Paradise Lost 2: Revelations, Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills, Robin Hood Murders, West Memphis 3, West Memphis Three, Winona Ryder, WM3

By Smaktakula

Johnny Depp will be lending his talents to the CBS show 48 Hours on Saturday, making a rare return to television to bring attention to the West Memphis Three.

A star’s involvement with a cause does little to sway me to the rightness of said cause.  This is true even with actors and actress whom I like and admire, as many celebrities seem to mistake their fame for correctness.  For this reason, I would normally be suspicious of a show featuring Depp, Eddie Vedder, the Dixie Chicks and noted shoplifter-cum-actress, Winona Ryder.  However, I have been following the story of the West Memphis Three for years, and for a number of reasons, it resonates deeply with me.  Despite the attention this case has received over the years, including two outstanding HBO documentaries (Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills and Paradise Lost 2: Revelations), it still has yet to tickle the greater conscience of the American people, and an injustice remains fully unaddressed.

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