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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Category Archives: Science

Things With Religious Sounding Names Are Cool

26 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion, Science

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Biblical names, insects, JAMC, Jerusalem Cricket, Jesus and Mary Chain, Jesus Jones, Jesus Lizard, Jesus of Nazareth, Judas Iscariot, Judas Tree, Religion, sea of Galilee, the redemptive powers of the JAMC, things with religious names, treachery, walking on water

By Smaktakula

Observe:

The Judas Tree: The World's Most Treacherous Flora.

The Jesus And Mary Chain Has Saved Smaktakula's Soul On More Than One Occasion.

The Jerusalem Cricket: Our Favorite Insect.

The Jesus Lizard Is So Freaking Cool That It Walks On Water. However, If You Kill It, It Stays Dead.

It doesn’t always work:

Jesus Jones: Not So Much.

Silky Shark A Victim Of Bad PR

25 Tuesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, aquatic creatures, barracuda, bull shark, great hammerhead, great white shark, hammerhead shark, Jaws, lame sharks, leopard shark, maneaters, phobias, public relations, Shark Week, sharks, silky shark, Steve Irwin, tiger shark, underachieving sharks

By Smaktakula

These days, beachgoers have a great many anxieties.  Thanks to movies like Jaws and the annual awesomeness that is Shark Week, bathers know the carnage which can be unleashed in an eyeblink by the likes of a great white, bull shark or tiger shark.  Steve Irwin taught us that even semi-sharks can be dangerous.  Some people are even on the lookout for barracuda.

Unlike The Silky, The Great White Has Nothing To Prove.

These aquatic fears notwithstanding, no one seems to fear the silky shark.  This despite the occasionally aggressive creature’s heavily-muscled body and powerful jaws.  The shark’s soft-sounding name almost certainly has something to do with its lack of reputation.  Silky seems more reminiscent of the tagline for a ladies’ razor commercial than a fearsome would-be maneater.

The silky shark boasts six unprovoked attacks on humans, beating out both the leopard shark and the great hammerhead.  But like those two species, the silky has yet to make a confirmed human kill.  Without this first kill, the silky is destined to remain with the flounders and tuna among the aquatic busters.  If the silky shark intends to join the elite ranks of whites, tigers, bulls and blacktips, clearly more needs to be done.

We suggest that the silky launch an immediate PR campaign.  And a name change wouldn’t hurt.

The Silky Shark: Not Actually A Pussy; It Just Sounds And Acts Like One.

Antimatter Discovered!

23 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

antimatter, Armageddon, Bad Ass!, everybody dies!, global annihilation, particles, physics, schools, Science, scientific discoveries, Smaktakula's ignorance of all things scientific, things which confound us

By Smaktakula

Honestly, we know fuck all about this “science” they’re teaching the kids in school these days–we’re but simple folk who mind our own business and pay our taxes on time.

But we get the bigger picture.  In the end, what can be said about the discovery of a substance that destroys everything with which it comes in contact?

BAD ASS!

Because Humanity Needed Just One More Way To Annihilate Itself.

Allergy Kids

18 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

allergies, aquagenic pruritus, blocking the sun, Bubble Boy, C. Montgomery Burns, David Vetter, Jake Gyllenhaal, John Travolta, kids with freakish allergies, nanny state, natural selection, peanuts, photodermatitis, salty menace, school lunches, schools, Science, sunlight, Ted DeVita, Vitamin D

By Smaktakula

Yeah, It Sucks Pretty Bad, But It Beats Being Jake Gyllenhaal. Being John Travolta Still Remains Slightly Preferable, However.

Even a generation ago, many children allergic to staple dietary items like nuts did not survive into adulthood.   But thanks to rapid advances in modern science and a growing societal willingness to forsake the majority for the specialized needs of the very, very few, these kids can now grow up to lead semi-normal lives.  This is accomplished largely by restricting not only what is served in school cafeterias, but also limiting what foods students can bring with them from home.

Some parents of non-allergic or normally-allergic children wonder aloud if these drastic measures are truly necessary.  But parents of children with freakish allergies maintain that they are, pointing out that critics might feel differently if their child was so afflicted.  “If even one child’s life is saved by these restrictions,” says Diana Buford-Milton, whose son Evan gets hives from eating strawberries, “Then the inconveniences suffered by the remaining 99%+ of the population are really a small price to pay.”

The Salty Menace Lurks In The Pantry Waiting To Strike. Your Child Could Be Eating Peanuts Right Now.

Promethean Times agrees vociferously.  Dietary restrictions are an excellent start, but it would be criminal to stop there when kids with unusual allergies are suffering.  The yearly death tolls sometimes reach double-digit figures.

Take for example the plight of children with photodermatitis, an allergy to sunlight.  Blacking out classroom windows and eliminating outside recess would improve their lives considerably.  While it is true that many studies show that sunlight is conducive to good health, Vitamin D supplements should meet the needs of “normal” children during the hours they are in school.  If parents choose to expose their children to sunlight outside of school hours, that’s their right.  But let’s keep our priorities straight: kids go to school to learn, not to work on their tans.

Don’t even get us started on aquagenic pruritus.

C. Montgomery Burns: Allergy Advocate

Is The End Of Polio In Sight?

03 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Science

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

childhood diseases, diseases, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, outbreaks, polio, polio not polo, polio vaccine, WHO, World Health Organization

By Smaktakula

No, "P-O-L-I-O."--We Didn't Mean To Get Your Hopes Up Like That, But One Crisis At A Time.

The World Health Organization announced recently that a new polio vaccine could soon eradicate the childhood scourge.  This is great news for people in countries afflicted by outbreaks of polio, but terrible news for the rest of the world, who believed the disease wiped out fifty years ago.

fdr.jpg fdr image by feralboy12

"Don't Be Such A Pussy About It. Polio Builds Character."

The Rescuers Go To Guam

20 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

brown tree snake, D Day, Disney, George W. Bush, Guam, Hawaii, heroism, Hollywood blockbusters, mice, Mission Accomplished, mongoose, non-native species, Normandy Invasion, serpents, snakes, The Rescuers, US Navy, vermin

By Smaktakula

"Um, Yeah . . . Guam IS Exactly Like Hawaii. You Guys Ready?"

Much like the heroic vermin in Disney’s second-tier kiddiefest, The Rescuers, mice have been asked to save the day.  Their mission: Fly to Guam to combat the brown tree snake, a mildly venomous non-native invader.  It seems the sinister serpent has driven several native species to the brink of extinction, and nothing but a well-timed rodent intervention will stave off disaster.

"What The Hell, Man?" This Mongoose Needs Work.

Because the brown tree snake is arboreal, the action will take place in the canopy high above the jungle floor.  The US Navy has equipped the mouse militia with tiny parachutes, and plans to drop them over Guam in a scene reminiscent of the 1944 Normandy Invasion.

Such a novel and daring campaign can’t help but evoke comparisons to a Hollywood blockbuster.  In sharing so many qualities with The Rescuers, this operation differs from the film in only two minor details: in real life the airborne Rescuers are dead and saturated with snake-killing toxins.

News of the Duh: The Orgasm Gap

19 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Arturo the Pool Boy, female orgasm, male orgasm, males' capacity for self-delusion, News of the Duh, orgasm gap, sex, Smaktakula's 100% kill ratio, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, studies, surveys, Tardsie, University of Indiana

By Smaktakula

According to the results of a two-decade survey by researchers at the University of Indiana, men reported that their sexual partners reached orgasm much more frequently than they actually did.* 85% of men believed they had brought their last partner to orgasm, while only 64% of women agreed.

"No Man Has Ever Made Me Feel Like That. For Reals."

Curiously, when women were asked about the frequency of their male partner’s orgasm, they were much more likely to be correct.  Both women and men pegged this figure at 99% (plus or minus 1% percent margin of error).

These data lead to the inescapable conclusion that men are simply better than women at achieving orgasm, with many men reporting the ability to climax within seconds of initiating coitus, and in some cases even earlier.  Although there has yet been no serious effort to study this phenomenon, we attribute this disparity to the remarkable amount of rigorous self-study undertaken by most males, particularly during adolescence.

*Promethean Times does not support this conclusion–we believe the percentage of satisfied women to be much higher than reported by the Indiana survey.  An in-house survey seems to support our theory.  We surveyed the male Promethean Times staffers (Smaktakula, Tardsie and Arturo the Pool Boy). Our results indicate that in their combined lifetime total of seven sexual encounters, their various partners experienced orgasm 100% of the time.  This flies in the face of . . . oh . . .wait.
We get it now.  Thanks?

Career Opportunities: United Nation Office For Outer Space Affairs

15 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Politics, Science, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aliens, career opportunities, corruption, crazy people, diplomacy, graft, insanity, it came from outer space, make-work projects, Mazlan Othman, ridiculous ideas, Ufologists, United Nations, United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, wasting money

By Smaktakula

Mazlan Othman heads the United Nation Office for Outer Space Affairs.  Despite recently published rumors, Othman said her office will not be acting as diplomats in the event Earth is visited by extra-terrestrial life.

"Thanks UN, For Bringing Meaning To My Pathetic Existence."

Given that the UNOOSA has eliminated diplomacy from its purview, a job with this agency can be very lucrative and undemanding.  In an organization already famous for its corruption and ineffectiveness, the UNOOSA offers an unequalled opportunity for both.

Mr. Popcorn

24 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

death by popcorn, diacetyl, diacetyl-induced bronchiolitis obliterans, Dr. Cecile Rose, fat people, huffing, huffing corn, microwave popcorn, Mr. Popcorn, popcorn, popcorn disease, Popcorn Worker's Lung, stupidity, sweet sweet maize, toxins, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

If you’re one of the millions of people around the world who love the smell of buttery popcorn, then you owe a great deal of thanks to an unnamed Colorado man who learned a very hard lesson on your behalf.

Popcorn: It Would Be Called 'The Silent Killer' If Not For That Loud Popping Sound It Makes.

Around 2007, the man went to his doctor complaining of breathing difficulties.  Tests revealed extensive lung damage of a kind typically exhibited by workers in industrial or agricultural facilities.  The man’s ailment was initially a mystery, and a variety of theories were put forth and discarded until finally the culprit was identified.

This man liked microwave popcorn.  He liked it a lot.  The man confessed to the doctors that he’d eaten at least two bags a day for at least a decade.  The Colorado man said of himself, “I am Mr. Popcorn. I love popcorn.” Unsurprisingly, he was overweight.

Lest any popcorn-chawing members of the Cadre Promethean worry, it wasn’t the eating of microwave popcorn that proved to be Mr. Popcorn’s nemesis.  No, he loved the rich buttery smell of the sweet, sweet maize so much that he would put his face into the bag like a horse with its feed and inhale deeply before eating.

Corn Huffing Is Cool At First, But It Quickly Becomes Your Life.

At the time, most brands of microwave popcorn contained diacetyl, a chemical which adds extra yumminess to the buttery flavor.  However, diacetyl is toxic when inhaled, leading to diacetyl-induced bronchiolitis obliterans, known more simply by the much-cooler term “Popcorn Worker’s Lung.”  Mr. Popcorn had managed to contract a disease heretofore only known in the popcorn industry.

It is difficult to imagine what Mr. Popcorn must be going through.  But according to one of the physicians who worked with him, Dr. Cecile Rose, his debilitating condition was the furthest thing from his mind.  As always, he was focused on the hot, buttery goodness of exploded corn kernels.  Said Dr. Rose, “He was really upset that he couldn’t have it anymore.”

"A Day Without Popcorn Is A Day Without Sunshine."

Movies With Misleading Titles: A Beautiful Mind

13 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

A Beautiful Mind, brilliant dirty weirdos, crazy people, Freemasonry, game theory, genius, John Nash, mental illness, mental illness is not funny, Nobel laureates, paranoid schizophrenia, Russell Crowe, Zionism

By Smaktakula

John Nash endures a very serious mental condition which prevents him from living a life most people would consider normal; there’s nothing beautiful about paranoid schizophrenia.  That it is both tragic and debilitating only deepens the poignancy of Nash’s intellectual achievements.  

You should rightly be ashamed for mocking mental illness.  We hope you’re proud of yourself.  

"Game Theory Has Been Usurped By Freemasons And Zionists!"

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