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Tag Archives: unpunished

This Day In Alternate History: Casey Anthony Killed In Prison

29 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

alternate history, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death by shiv, Florida, Hello Kitty, Janet Reno, justice, Lowell Correctional Institute, outright lies, revenge, rumors we wish were true, shiv, unpunished

By Smaktakula

She's The Only One Shedding Tears.

Lowell Correctional Institute, Florida: The news of Casey Anthony’s death has been met with worldwide jubilation.  This morning, guards found the 25-year-old murderess lying unconscious in the showers, face down in a rapidly spreading pool of her own blood.  She was later pronounced dead at the prison infirmary.

Anthony was convicted by a Florida court earlier this year for killing her 2-year-old daughter, Caylee Marie Anthony, and was serving the first of eight consecutive life sentences.  Anthony’s crimes were thought especially heinous due to her complete lack of remorse.  The young skank continued her hedonistic partygirl lifestyle long after dumping her daughter’s lifeless body into a shallow grave and then forgetting she ever existed.

Somber Crowds React To The News Of The Murderess' Death.

Investigators have recovered what they believe is the weapon used to murder Anthony, a crude shiv fashioned from a Hello Kitty barrette.  She was stabbed at least 37 times.

Prison officials say they have identified a suspect in the killing.  The accused killer, Joanna “Larry” Belkins, is serving a fifteen-year sentence for armed robbery, and has been placed into solitary confinement while authorities conduct their investigation.

The As-Yet-Unpunished Killer.

Prison representatives contend that their primary focus is swift justice for Casey Anthony.  Said one official who asked not to be named, “We’re making this a top priority.  Of course, with the holidays coming up, we’re a little understaffed, so we’ll probably have to wait until after the New Year.”  When another worker added that there were two guards’ retirement parties planned for January, the representative added, “It’ll probably have to wait until after Valentine’s Day.”

Casey's In A Better Place Now.

‘Alternate History’ means it’s made up, so don’t go calling your girlfriends with the good news just yet. ∞ T.

New Evidence Reveals OJ Simpson’s Innocence In 1994 Double-Homicide

27 Tuesday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, History, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

California, death by OJ, dingoes ate my baby!, Hertz, Johnnie Cochran, Juice, Los Angeles, Lovelock Correctional Center, Nevada, Nicole Brown Simpson, OJ Simpson, Orenthal James Simpson, patsies, Ron Goldman, the Juice is loose!, unpunished

By Smaktakula

We'll Be Damned. Maybe Johnnie Cochran Was On To Something.

Los Angeles, California: New evidence released this week by the LA County Prosecutor’s office purports to show that presumed murderer Orenthal James Simpson is innocent of the allegations which have long clouded his name.  A patsy in a sports-memorabilia sting, the former Hertz pitchman currently languishes in the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada for the crime of getting away with the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, the latter who might have been Brown Simpson’s lover, or possibly just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It now appears that for the last seventeen years, the authorities have been actively seeking to frame an innocent man.

By The Time You See This, It's Already Too Late.

The news of Simpson’s innocence in the Brown-Goldman slayings poses a problem, say legal scholars.  Since Simpson’s most recent conviction was in large part–if not entirely–for getting away with the 1994 murder, it remains to be seen if Nevada courts will reconsider their ridiculous decision to punish the Juice for “stealing” his own memorabilia.

This Image Beautifully Captures The Juice's Humanity And Vulnerability In The Lovelock Showers.

Sadly, the news of OJ’s innocence is nothing more than a Promethean Times fiction–what those with less-charitable dispositions might call ‘lies.’  He’s guilty as hell, people.  You know that, right?

Much Like An Actual Dingo, OJ Will Eat Your Baby.

A Bitch By Any Other Name

14 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

alcohol, alcohol solves all of life's problems, bad parents, black people, Casey Anthony, Caylee Anthony, death threats, Facebook, getting away with murder, infanticide, men, mistaken identity, murderers, stupid people, thanks a lot mom, unfortunate names, unpunished, white people, women

By Smaktakula

Attention idiots: you may be threatening the wrong Casey Anthony.

It's Totally Okay To Hate Her. It Feels Pretty Good, Doesn't It?

The public is pretty upset about last week’s jury decision clearing accused child-murderess Casey Anthony of all but the most minor charges.  Most people find an appropriate outlet for this rage, such as Facebook status updates or in the Lethe-like powers of alcohol.  Some, however, express their animus through inappropriate displays like death threats.

Sadly, all those death threats don’t always find their intended targets.  As it turns out, that there are one or two other Casey Anthonys running around out there.  One of these is Casey Anthony of Darby, Pennsylvania, who has recently been receiving death threats from well-meaning, but moronic members of the public.  This Casey Anthony, if people had bothered to check, is a dude–a goateed, bald black dude, who in fact bears only a passing resemblance to the clean-shaven, fully folliculate, infanticidal white chick.

Look, Color-Blindness And Gender Neutrality Have Their Place, But Don't Be An Idiot.

To make matters worse for ‘Good’ Casey, he’s not the only member of his family to have the name.  It turns out that two of his sons are also named Casey Anthony.

Wait.  What?

This Day In History: February 14, 1929 CE

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1929, Al Capone, Alphonse Gabriel Capone, Bugs Bunny, Capone Gang, Chicago, Chicago Outfit, Edward G. Robinson, Elmer Fudd, February 14, gangs, George Clarence Moran, Illinois, Italian-Americans, Moran Gang, Prohibition, St. Valentine's Day Massacre, this day in history, unpunished, Valentine's Day, Wabbit Season

On which a group of Chicago’s North Side Gang members are each given a most unwelcome valentine in the form of a bullet to the brain.  Gang leader Bugs Moran narrowly manages to avoid the slaughter.

Different Guy Entirely. Salvatore "Bugs" Bunnicci Rose To Lead The Fudd Gang After Gang Leader Elmer Was Found Dead, His Mouth Stuffed With His Own Testicles And The Words 'WABBIT SEASON' Carved Into His Chest With A Vegetable Of Some Kind.

Although no convictions would result from what would quickly come to be known as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, evidence then, as now, points to an Italian-American businessman, Alphonse Gabriel Capone.

"But I Was In Florida, See? Myah! Ya Got Nothin' On Me Copper--Nothin'! Myah! Myah!"

OJ’s Appeal Denied

27 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

cops, death by OJ, double-homicide, Fred Goldman, guilty of beating the rap, injustice, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy, Las Vegas, murderers, Nevada, Nevada Supreme Court, OJ Simpson, Orenthal James Simpson, patsies, police officers, sports memorabilia, that fucking mustache, the Juice, unpunished, vendettas

By Smaktakula

The Juice Prepares For A Career After Prison.

Orenthal James Simpson, the unpunished murder-turned-sports memorabilia patsy, recently received some unwelcome news.  The Nevada Supreme Court refused to overturn his recent conviction for successfully beating an ironclad double-homicide rap 1995 as well as for a minor incident in Las Vegas.   It seems the Juice won’t be loosed any time soon.

Understandably, Fred Goldman Has Mixed Feelings About Seeing The Murderer Of His Son Locked Behind Bars And Thus No Longer Able To Provide Him With An Income.

"Jes' Don' Make The Cops Look Stupid, An' You'll Be Awright."

This is it, folks–OJ’s making his break!  He’s on the 10! . . .the 5! . . .the 405!

Authorities Still Unable To Find Crime With Which To Charge Guy Fieri

02 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, People, Television

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

celebrity chef, criminals, culinary crimelord, Diners Drive-Ins and Dives, Food Network, Guy Fieri, Juan-Carlos Cruz, murder-for-hire, skeevy, unleashed, unpunished, unrepentant, white trash

By Smaktakula

For the second time in the past few months, a celebrity chef has been charged with a crime.  And again, it wasn’t Guy Fieri.        

The severity of these crimes appears to be on the rise. Juan-Carlos Cruz has been accused of soliciting murder-for-hire.        

If He Had It To Do Again, Juan-Carlos Would Most Likely NOT Enlist Random Homeless People In A Murder-For-Hire Plot.

It would be hard to find someone critical of putting a murderer–or in Cruz’ case, an alleged murderer–behind bars.  The community is undeniably a safer place with Cruz off the streets.       

Critics charge that offenders such as Cruz are low-hanging fruit.  Perhaps the authorities would be wise to invest their energies in bringing down America’s culinary crimelord:       

Fieri: Unpunished, Unrepentant, Unleashed

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