Tag Archives: Paris Hilton

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

We Noticed: Beauty

30 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

A woman who believes herself beautiful most often is.

Say What You Want, But You Know You Would.

A woman who proclaims herself “Hot” is very frequently a vile skank, and at the very best, Ms. Right Now.

Ms. Hilton Is Excited To Be Promoting HÖR, A Designer Line Of Anti-Herpes Medication.

Professional Women

15 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

She Works Hard For The Money.

Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal?

George Carlin

Prostitution remains illegal throughout most of the world. Despite the hypocrisy inherent in being forbidden to sell what you can give away for nothing, antiquated morality keeps the industry underground. This in turn creates a host of problems for the prostitute, making her not only a criminal, but perpetuating the dangerous cycle of abuse and drug-addiction so common throughout the industry.

Professional Ladies Come In All Shapes And Sizes.

Attitudes are finally changing, however. One indicator of increasing support for legalized prostitution has been the rebranding of the industry. Long known as prostitutes, hookers and in vulgar circles, whores, these plucky gals¹ are now known as sex-industry workers.

You Know, When You Call It That, You Take A Lot Of The Fun Out Of It.

A further way in which attitudes have demonstratively changed is in our treatment of the women themselves. Long regarded as ‘unfortunates,’ something perhaps more than animal but less than human, and completely unable to make decisions for themselves, members of the world’s oldest non-farming profession are increasingly being seen as human beings with the accordant dignity and rights such status implies.

You're No Great Beauty, It's True--But Don't Sell Yourself Short. You Saw The Heifer Two Images Back, Right?

Only a few years ago, a sex worker who was brave enough to report being sexually assaulted would probably receive more humiliation than help from the police, and likely never see justice. Today, her assailant would be charged with rape. This is tremendous progress, but still falls short of justice, failing to recognize the complex entity a sex-worker represents. As she is an individual with rights, charging her attacker with rape is entirely appropriate. However, the sex worker is also a business entity, for which reason the unlucky rapist should additionally be charged with theft.²

Not A Prostitute Per Se, But Still Very Much A Whore.

¹This applies to industry females only. Male sex workers are still called rent boys. ∞ T.
²In some cases this only amounts to shoplifting. Don’t sell it so cheap, ladies! ∞ T.

Paris Hilton Ja-Banned

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Japan can now include itself among the growing list of nations officially discriminating against skanks.  The Land of the Rising Sun has gone dark for strumpets: Paris Hilton is persona non grata in Japan.

In Much The Same Way As It Did Throughout Asia 75 Years Ago, This Symbol Strikes Fear In The Hearts Of Skanks Across The Globe.

Representatives of Japan’s immigration service claim that Hilton’s ban is a result of her recent guilty plea to cocaine possession in Las Vegas.  These officials are quick to point out that their decision to impose a Ja-Ban on Hilton was not only appropriate, but required by Japanese law.

However, pro-skank activists (skanktivists) contend that the law is a smokescreen which allows Japan legal sanction to carry out its anti-skank agenda.

“We’re trying to tell the world what’s going on in Japan,” says ‘Cody,’ a skonk who declined to give his real name, “The amount of ignorance on the part of the public is really disturbing.  We’re educating people, but at the same time putting pressure on Japan to not only turn away from its growing culture of skankism, but also calling on the Japanese Government to free Tibet.”

Paris, What The Hell Are You Doing? Oh. Ha Ha, No. When We Said 'Blow' We Meant Cocaine. Heh. But Thanks. No, Really--We're Good.

An immigration official was asked in light of Hilton’s Ja-Ban, whether her family’s hotel chain would also be forced out of the country.  The official replied:

“A question both so ridiculous and inane shames not only the speaker, but also those unfortunate enough to hear it.  Having said that, the Hilton Chain is a small, but important part of the Japanese economy–over three million people spend the night in Hilton Hotels every year.  Even in a good year Ms. Hilton might service only half that many.”

Paris, an innocent pawn in a game much bigger than herself, was typically upbeat when informed that she would not be allowed into Japan: “I’m going back home, and I look forward to coming back to Japan in the future,” she said.

Like Fuck You Will, Gaijin Skank!

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki