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Category Archives: North America

Remember America’s Fallen By Making A Purchase

06 Monday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Holiday, Mythology, National Events, North America

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

$$$, America's fallen, Blame Arturo!, capitalism, end of summer, Labor Day, Mammon, Memorial Day, merchandise, sacrifice, shining city on a hill, some gave all, stars & stripes, summer sales, the terrorists win, true meanings of holidays, United States of America

By Smaktakula

It has become easy to think of Memorial Day as simply a time to squeeze in that last vacation before summer comes to an abrupt and aching end, an excuse to drive somewhere and there to cook a piece of meat, or as nothing more than a day off from work.

But most of us know in our hearts that Memorial Day is so much more than that.  It is a time to reflect upon those brave men and women who gave all that they had so that the stars & stripes might still wave over this last, greatest bastion of freedom, this shining city on the hill.

At some point today, take a short break from the barbecue or the ball game, and for a few moments, meditate on the sacrifices of these brave Americans, and upon that indefinable thing for which they gave their lives.

Then, throw a bone to Mammon and go get yourself a little something.  Otherwise, the terrorists win.

Let U$ Prai$e Him!

And the same can be said for Labor Day, only it’s for commies, too!

 

Careless Boy’s Mother Ruins A Good Thing

03 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, General Foolishness, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

California, Christine Shreeve Hubbs, coming of age, Coo Coo Ca-Choo!, cougars, double standards, hot sex offenders, molestation, Mrs. Robinson, nice job Mom, sex and firearms, sexual predators, skankery, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, The Graduate

By Smaktakula

"Mrs. Robinson, You're Trying To Molest Me."

Livermore, California: A local skank faces 67 charges related to sexual acts with teenage boys.  Christine Shreeve Hubbs, 42, is said to have engaged in the scandalous behavior with two junior high school students, both in her home as well as in a motel. 

Hubbs is also facing several charges relating to contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  She is alleged to have purchased BB guns  for her two victims, and allowed them to perform “drive-bys” from the back of her moving Hummer.  The victims also add that Hubbs plied them with gift cards and cash.   

And Here's To You, Ms. Hubbs. Adolescent Boys Love You More Than You Will Ever Know. Coo Coo Ca-Choo!

As with all good things, this idyllic life of sex, easy cash and firearms was destined to end.  One of the boys was careless with his cell phone, which contained nude pictures of Hubbs.  The boy’s snooping mother found the pictures and called the police, who brought this charming coming-of-age story to an abrupt and frustrating end. 

How events might have unfolded differently if the boy’s father had stumbled across the phone before his mother can only be conjectured.          

Because Opportunities Like This Come Along So Frequently When You're Fourteen.

When am I gonna get over this?  I don’t know, Mom–How about NEVER?

Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

assfaces who write manifestos, batshit crazy, crazy people, death by sniper, Discovery Channel, douchebaggery, environmentalism, James Lee, James Lee was batshit crazy, loveless loners, Old Yeller, Shark Week, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice.  Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.

Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature.  The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.

"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.

Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet.  Way to take one for the team, Jim!

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part II: The War To End All Whores

27 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Human Rights, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Satire, Social Networking

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, celebriskanks, childish sexual innuendo, David Gregory, did you see that thing about herpes--she really is a slut, Hobegon, Horn Dog Deomocrats, Joe Biden, John McCain, Meet The Press, Nicole Polizzi, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, PPD 24601, President Obama, Presidential Policy Directive, pro-skank Democrats, Robert Gibbs, Sir Let Us Tan!, skankery, skankism, skanks, skin cancer, skonks, Snooki, Snooki's arrest, tanning, the beach ball problem at Chavez Ravine, United States of America, untalented stars, Vice President Biden, what IS the singular of Cheetos?

By Smaktakula

After issuing a string of denials over the past several weeks, the White House abruptly reversed itself yesterday, admitting the existence of Presidential Policy Directive 24601.  This admission ends the mounting speculation regarding the anti-skank directive, dubbed ‘Hobegon‘ by some in the press.  The White House claims that Hobegon codifies America’s foreign and domestic policy with regard to skanks.  It does that, and more: PPD 24601 is nothing less than a declaration of war on hos.

"Let Me Be Clear: I See An America--One That Can Only Be Achieved By Rising Above Partisan Rhetoric And Red-State/Blue-State Name Calling--An America Once Again Setting An Example For Other Nations By Helping To Create--Not Only For Our Children And The World's Children, But Also The Many Children Yet Unborn--A World That Is Free Of Skanks."

“This is something about which the President feels very strongly,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said in a press conference this morning.  “He has two daughters of his own, and like so many American parents right now, he’s concerned about the type of world that little Sasha and Malia will find waiting for them when they grow up.”

This sudden admission surprised most political observers, and apparently some within the Executive Circle.  Last Sunday on Meet The Press, the Vice-President said, “If there is {the secret Hobegon document}, they sure haven’t shown it to Joe Biden.”  He went on to add, “I mean, who doesn’t like tramps, am I right?” at which point the Vice-President attempted to high-five David Gregory.  Biden apologized for the comments just a few hours later after meeting privately with the President.  What the Vice-President was denying less than a week ago is now official US policy.

The impetus for the Administration’s abrupt about-face appears to be a series of events which drove the media into such a speculative frenzy that it became necessary to make some details of the secret directive public.  One of the events which set this chain in motion were widely publicized comments made by reality tv grotesquery Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi.  The celebriskank fired a volley across the Administration’s bow when she said,   “I don’t go tanning anymore, because Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning, and I feel he did that intentionally for us.”

Largely derided at the time, the enigmatic Snooki now appears to be something of a Cassandra.  Even her foes are beginning to wonder if the talking party ball is shrewder than she appears, given that anti-tanning initiatives are part of Obama’s War on Skanks.  Snooki went on to note that Obama’s 2008 Rival John McCain would not have applied the tax, “Because he’s pale and would probably want to be tan.”

Unlike Virtually Every Other Political Position Which He Has Taken Over The Years, Senator McCain's Staunch Support Of Skanks Has Never Wavered.

McCain’s unfortunate history of skin cancer aside, this insight is trenchant.  The Arizona Republican has long been staunchly, if quietly, pro-skank.   Throughout the 20th Century, support for ladies of easy virtue blurred party lines, but since the 2000 presidential election has become increasingly divided among partisan lines, with Republicans generally opposing anti-skank legislation.   Bill Clinton was the last pro-skank Democrat to hold a statewide office or higher.  The promising young cadre of pro-skank Democrats (“Horn Dog Democrats”) who swept into office with Clinton in 1992 are long gone.

Initially the White House attempted to shrug off Snooki’s charges, labelling them, “Laughable” and “Not worth dignifying.”  However, as with so many Washington scandals, the further the administration tried to distance themselves from it, the more tenaciously the rumors clung.

The situation reached critical mass when Snooki was arrested on July 30th.  Wearing a T-Shirt which read SLUT (Sir, Let Us Tan!) in protest of the effort to tax tanning beyond the means of the average tramp, which she calls skankist, Snooki was seen being led away by police.  The official account claims that the plump strumpet was drunk and out of control.

Dodger Stadium Security Removes Another Beach Ball From The Field.

Not so, counters Snooki:

“Oh. My. God.  Oh my God, I can’t believe they said that.  That’s–I’ma fucking sue them, I swear to God I will–That’s such a lie!  Can I tell you?  Can I tell you how much of a fucking lie that is?  That is not true.  Anybody who knows me–my good friends who know me, not the haters–knows that is just not true.”

“I’m a political prisoner.  They’re trying to shut me up.”

The Political Cost Of Looking Like A Soggy Cheeto.

Since then, Skanks have been notable for their absence.  “Laying low,” was how one observer termed it.  Because of summer reruns and the ubiquity of archived material on the internet, the American public has so far not been greatly affected by the self-imposed Skankout.  It has been pointed out that had this Skankout occurred during the school year, its presence might have been felt more profoundly in a reduction in the number of hot female teachers sleeping with their seventh-grade students.

But because those people passionate about skank rights would not be silenced, the ensuing e-storm would force the beleaguered administration to admit the existence of PPD 24601.   President Obama promised the nation that “further details will be will be made available in the coming days.”

Coming Soon: GO HO GO!

Oxnard, California

26 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, North America, Places

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

California, foul-smelling burgs, Henry Oxnard, Lord of the Sugar Beets, Oxnard, stinky places, sugar beet baron

By Smaktakula

Perhaps Unsurprisingly, This Burg Smells Pretty Much Like You Would Expect A Town Called 'Oxnard' To Smell.

 An Oxnafact: The town of 200,000 was named for sugar beet baron Henry Oxnard, who had the good sense to never go anywhere near the place.

Skanks In The Crosshairs, Part I: Twilight Of The Strumpets

25 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Justice, Music, National Events, North America, People, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

21st Century, AIDS, American Freedoms, anti-skank bigotry, Barack Obama, bigotry, Brazil, Britney Spears, Canada, celebriskanks, China, Co-Ed Sex Tryouts, crazy bald Britney, death by stoning, Europe, Flower of American Skankhood, Girls Gone Wild, India, intolerance, Joe Francis, Kim Kardashian, Lawrence Fishburne, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, man-skanks, Mary Kay Letourneau, Montana Fishburne, Nicole Ritchie, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, Paris Hilton, prudery, sex tape, Sexual Revolution, Shannon Elizabeth, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonkery, skonks, straight-to-DVD, Tara Reid, Thailand, United States of America, Vili Fualaau

By Smaktakula

Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.

The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue.  Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.

The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.

It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric.  During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.

Forty short years later the world is a very different place.  Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether.  India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved.  But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.

Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery.  But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out.  In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.

FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.

Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime.  Now you only get the shame.

Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’  One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released.  But times have changed.  Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press.  The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.

Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.

Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years.  Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis.  Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground.  Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in  no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized.  Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.

Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains?  If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes.  The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.

Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki

Wyclef’s Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose

28 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Music, North America, People, Politics

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Ben Jones, Caribbean, celebrity/statesman, fiduciary irresponsibility, Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier, Fred Grandy, Fugeeman, Fugees, Haiti, hereditary dictatorship, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, presidential election, Rick Santorum, Sonny Bono, Wyclef Jean

By Smaktakula

Grammy winner Wyclef Jean announced recently that he was mulling a run in Haiti’s upcoming presidential election.  The Haitian-born ex-Fugee is reportedly filing the necessary paperwork in the event he decides to make a bid in November.        

What The Hell, Right? Haiti Could Do A Lot Worse. In Fact, It Has.

This revelation is less shocking than it might at first appear.  Jean is internationally renowned, both for his music and for his political activism, and is particularly beloved in his native Haiti.  Moreover, the recent financial troubles involving Jean’s charity indicate that he possesses the requisite fiduciary irresponsibility to hold Haiti’s highest office.       

In the United States, entertainers have for many years distinguished themselves in politics.  Fred “Gopher” Grandy, Ben “Cooter” Jones and Rick “Santorum” Santorum are some of the best-known.        

Jean Won't Be The First Entertainer To Try His Hand In Politics. He Could, However, Be The First Black One. Also The First To Be Worth A Damn.

If Jean is serious about his bid, he’ll think of a good nickname.  Everybody remembers the brutal hereditary dictatorship of the Duvaliers–the Kim Il-sung and Kim Jong-il of the Caribbean.  First there was Francois “Papa Doc” Duvalier, who ruled the country from 1957 through 1971.  He was succeeded by his son, Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier, who was finally ousted in 1986.  The Duvaliers may have been brutal thugs, but they had cool nicknames.       

Conversely, Jean-Bertrand Aristide was similarly despotic (although never matching the glorious excesses of the father and son tag-team), serving a couple non-consecutive terms before being chased out in 2004.  Despite being only six years removed from the national scene, the former priest is virtually forgotten.  A nickname may have been the only thing separating Aristide from historical immortality.  Jean-Bertrand Aristide is eminently forgettable, but “Gris-Gris” Aristide sticks in the memory.        

The Dynasty Duvalier: Despotism Done Right. Plus, Kick-Ass Nicknames!

Wyclef Jean is a man capable of making the leap from celebrity to statesman.  The right nickname will cement his place in history.  With this in mind, Promethean Times extends its most heartfelt wishes for success to Wyclef “Fugeeman” Jean.  Knock ’em dead, Fugeeman!

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