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Tag Archives: venereal disease

Headlines 05.27.11

27 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apple, Buster Posey, chauvinism, comas, Dewey defeats Truman, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, English isn't a real major, English majors, forgery, God, Harry S Truman, has-beens, headlines, Houston Astros, Ivy League, Jesus freaks, Johnny Depp, Juan Marichal, Judas Iscariot, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mickey Mouse, misogyny, Navy SEALs, New Testament, Oprah Winfrey, porn stars, psychopath, retard, San Francisco Giants, South Carolina, STDs, Stephen Hawking, Steven Tyler, Thomas Dewey, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the stories.

Because The Headline Tells You All You Really Need To Know.

***

My Son and West Point — How Did Four Years Pass In the Blink of an Eye? ~ You’ve just awoken from a years-long coma following a grisly accident.  We thought someone had already told you.  Sorry.

Half of New Testament forged, Bible scholar says ~ The culprit appears to be a Jewish revolutionary by the name of Iscariot.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Oprah Winfrey signs off after 25 years in daytime talk TV ~ In unrelated news, the American home has suddenly become cleaner, reversing a quarter-century trend.

For Oprah So Loved The World That She Spent A Tiny Bit Of Her Own Money, That Whoever Receives From Her Should Not Whine, But Have Eternal Thanks.

Doomsday Today: Will world end on May 21, 2011? ~ Nope.

Apple triggers ‘religious’ reaction in fans’ brains, report says ~ Apple fans are a lot like Jesus freaks–nice enough people, but not someone you want to be stuck next to on a seven-hour flight.

Stephen Hawking: ‘There is no heaven; it’s a fairy story ~ Look at it from Stephen’s perspective–if there is a God, He fucking HATES Stephen Hawking.

Disproving God Is As Easy As Tying Your Shoes.

Steven Tyler Hits The Studio With Johnny Depp ~ Johnny’s doing his part for ‘Take Your Grandpa To Work’ Day.

French women attack misogyny in Strauss-Kahn case ~ Misogyny, Non! Chauvinism, Oui!

‘R word’ to be removed from S.C. state laws ~ The mentally challenged will now be called ‘persons with intellectual disabilities.’  There’s no way retards will ever be able to understand that.

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Navy Fights Mickey Mouse for SEALs Trademark ~ That mouse is fucked.

US Forces Currently Occupy California Adventures, Frontierland and New Orleans. Special Forces Teams Are Attempting To Establish A Foothold In Fantasyland While Shelling General Duck’s Bunkers In Tomorrowland.

How to spot a psychopath ~ He’s the dude in the Holly Hobby dress holding the dripping ax.

Why would-be engineers end up as English majors ~ Because being an English major is easy.  Trust us.

Top Colleges, Largely for the Elite ~ Exclusionary, Ivy-League institutions are being overrun by the privileged children of the world’s elite?  The devil you say!

Why did no one notice the boy was missing? ~ It’s hardly a ringing endorsement for the dynamism of the young man’s personality.

Dodgers fall to Astros in ninth inning: A fan’s reaction ~ San Francisco Giants fans are advised to stay indoors until such time as the Dodgers can eke out a win.

The Public Has Been Led To Believe That Buster Posey’s Ankle Injury Was Caused By A Collision At The Plate.

We’ve done this kind of thing before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV

Herpes Horror At Berlin Zoo

08 Friday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

animal husbandry, Berlin, Berlin Zoo, childish sexual innuendo, elephant, Germany, Germany's dark history, herpes, Knut, polar bear, Shaina Pali, Teutons, ursine, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

Cute Little Bugger, Isn't He? Sadly, He's Dead Now.

All is not well at the Berlin Zoo, where recently two high-profile animals have met mysterious–and bizarre–deaths.  This is an embarrassment to the Germans, and a source of concern for animal-lovers around the world

The first casualty was Knut, the zoo’s biggest attraction.  The beloved Polar Bear lived a hard life in his four short years.  He was rejected by his mother at birth, but quickly taken to the warm and accepting bosom of the German people.  Recently, however, fans were shocked when the adorable ursine dove into the moat around his enclosure, never to surface.  The polar bear only a Teuton could love died of what is being called an infection.

Historically, The Germans Have Had A Hard Time Keeping Sentient Beings Alive In Captivity.

Following close on the paws of Knut’s demise came the sad news that another animal had died. Shaina Pali, a six-year-old Indian elephant,  was found dead by her trainer recently when he came to check on her at 7:00 AM.  Autopsy reports showed that she had likely died of elephant herpes, which is particularly pernicious in pachyderms.  The last person to see her before she died was new assistant trainer, Rolf ‘Cold Sore’ Stussenhimmel, who confirms that the creature appeared to be in good health when he last saw her, and moreover was in “a very good mood.”

Shaina Pali Poses With A Shrieking Barn Rat In This Undated Photo.

Hopefully the mysterious animal deaths at the Berlin Zoo will stop with Shaina Pali.  However, even if they do, something not-quite-mended has again been broken, and the German reputation for rigorously upholding the sanctity of all forms of life seriously impugned.

"I See Dead Animals."

Stracciatella: Culinary Delicacy Or Social Disease?

24 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blemishes, cheeses, childish sexual innuendo, educational films, gelato, GIs, Italy, one's a cunning runt, painful urination, social disease, soldiers, soups, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, stracciatella, the heartbreak of stracciatella, the Stratch, unsightly blemishes, VD, venereal disease, World War II, WWII

By Smaktakula

Okay, Next Picture This Happening In Your Pants.

This one fooled us, too.  Apparently stracciatella can refer to such varied foodstuffs as a soup, cheese and ice-cream.  It is known neither to cause painful urination nor unsightly blemishes on the nether-regions.

We're Reasonably Sure This Is The Soup.

Now the idea of “picking up a case of stracciatella in Italy” doesn’t sound nearly so scary.  Or exciting.

A Fun Historical Fact:  During WWII, American GIs suffering from lactose intolerance were forced to watch a number of anti-stracciatella films before deploying overseas.  Some of the better-known films were Stracciatella? Non!, The Devil’s Cheese and The Fräulein Who Gave Me The Statch. ∞T.

Pepperoni, Sausage, Simplex

12 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, childish sexual innuendo, foul and disgusting things, Gonorrhea Twists, herpes, Herpes Pie, herpes pizza, herpes simplex, pizza, poorly-chosen names, STDs, STDs are no laughing matter!, Syphilis Whips, the gift that keeps on giving, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, venereal disease

By Smaktakula

Take a hard look at the image below.  Do you notice anything unpleasant about the sign above the pizza shop?

This Chain Famously Shuts Its Doors For Months At A Time, Only To Appear At Your Door As If By Magic Just As You're Getting Ready For A Really Nice (And Now Hopefully, Understanding) Meal.

Good eye, folks!  Not only does the sign employ a color scheme so vulgar in its crass insouciance to almost defy description, but the antiquated font harkens back to the days of the Silicon Valley Boom, and frankly is a little hard to read.

“So that’s one family size Herpes Pie and four medium Cokes.  Did you wanna take home any Gonorrhea Twists or Syphilis Whips tonight?”

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: ‘Black Dick’ Howe

23 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

1st Earl Howe, Admiral Richard Howe, American Revolution, Black Dick, crotch rot, Great Britain, Lord Howe, Prince Harry, Prince William, Royal Navy, Rum Buggery & The Lash, STDs, Tunisian Tart, unfortunate nicknames, United Kingdom, venereal disease, War for American Independence, War with the Colonies

By Smaktakula

Admiral Richard Howe, the 1st Earl Howe (1726-1799), led a distinguished and remarkable life. Taking to the sea at an early age, Howe fought for Great Britain in many Eighteenth Century conflicts, including the War for American Independence.  Today, Lord Howe’s name is immortalized in ships and towns throughout the remaining rump of the British Empire.  Prince William, England’s future king, and his loutish brother Harry number among Howe’s descendants.

Despite so much good luck and historical recognition (Britain’s near-success against the rebellious colonies notwithstanding), Howe will forever be burdened by the odious sobriquet: Black Dick.

Beyond The Black: In Later Years Lord Howe Had To Hold The Damned Thing In Place If He Didn't Want To Make A Scene.

Are you kids sure you want to hear the story of how Grandpa got his nickname again?  You’ve heard this a million times.
Oh, all right, then.
Once, when your grandpa was a wee lad, not much older than yourselves, he met a tart from Tunisia . . .

As If Being A Big Fatso Wasn’t Bad Enough . . .

16 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Health, National Events, People, Relationships

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

big fatso, big girl, but she's got a great personality, childhood obesity, chubby chaser, crotch lobsters, fat people, gelatinous people, husky, impotence, irony, lard ass, obesity, person of size, plumper, poor self-esteem, poor sexual health, sex, sexual dysfunction, sexual powerhouse, unwanted pregnancy, venereal disease, waddling grotesquery

Apparently, studies have shown that obese people have poor sexual health, despite getting less sex than their non-gelatinous counterparts.      

Hopefully the news that being a waddling grotesquery is not all sunshine and games will counter the media’s persistent efforts to make obesity seem chic, particularly among young women.      

Not The Sexual Powerhouse He Appears To Be

Plus, You Can’t See Your Penis: Obesity Can Take Toll on Sex Life.      

Smaktakula

Closed For Repairs

13 Tuesday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, Holiday

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

day off, Free Clinic, vacation, VD, venereal disease

Smaktakula is off today.  Promethean Times will return as scheduled tomorrow.

Smaktakula Says: Don't Take Pain-Free Peeing For Granted!

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