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Tag Archives: United States Army

Saluting America’s Forgotten Veterans: The KISS Army

12 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Music

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

1918, Abraham Lincoln, Armistice Day, coast guard, Great War, KISS, KISS Army, Marines, United States Air Force, United States Army, United States of America, US Navy, World War One, WWI

By Smaktakula

A Lot Like Mt. Rushmore, If Abe Lincoln Were Able To Puke Up A Bellyful Blood On Command.

In the years since the cacophonous guns of the Western Front fell silent on November 11th, 1918, ending the ‘War to End All Wars,’¹ humanity has sought to mark this anniversary by paying tribute to those men and women who risk their lives in the service of their nations. For those of us who have lived our lives in the relatively prosperous and safe West, this is no more than what we should do.

On this special anniversary, called Veterans Day in America, we honor military personnel regardless of the their branch of service, not only our heroic warriors in the Army, Navy and Marines, but also dudes in the Air Force and Coast Guard. We are justifiably proud of this custom. Sadly, this honor is not applied equally: the public continues to ignore the many distinguished contributions of the KISS Army.

The KISS Army: In Terms Of Raw Firepower, The Rough Equivalent Of The Salvation Army.

The KISS Army was officially mobilized in January of 1975.  Formed to protect America’s shores from the from the insidious forces of lameness, the KA was instrumental in keeping at bay for many years the twin blights of disco and country-rock. For two generations the KISS Army has made the nation a place where a man or woman can rock & roll all night, and party every day.

Promethean Times believes that a soldier is a soldier, whether his c.v. includes Fallujah ’03 or the Grand Rapids Fairgrounds ’07.  The KISS Army marches to its own drummer, doing things differently from some of the other branches of the Service–its continuing observance of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ or its liberal drug policy, for example–but its members deserve the same recognition as do all those brave warriors who fight tirelessly for our freedom.

What Distinguishes It From The Real Army Is That You Can Do All The Drugs You Want, And You Won’t Get Your Ass Kicked For Wearing Makeup.

***

¹Although deemed ‘The War To End All Wars’ in a fit of misguided optimism, WWI proved unequal to the promise of that silly sobriquet ∞ T.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Memorial Day Edition

28 Monday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

childish sexual innuendo, Don't Ask Don't Tell, gay people, Marines, Memorial Day, United States Air Force, United States Army, United States of America, US Navy, veterans, Won't Ask Don't Care

By Tardsie

And Others Of Us Gave Fuck All.

I have never served in the military. Although not a fan of America’s military adventurism over the past half-century, my failure to enlist has less to do with any ideological convictions than with the unfortunate but inescapable fact that I am a massive pussy. I have tremendous respect for those men and women who did serve. Their courage is both beautiful and unfathomable to me.

***

I went to high school near a large military base, and a lot of the kids I knew were military brats, many of whom ended up serving in the military themselves. For some of them it had been a lifelong ambition, and for others as simply a more affordable means than college to burn four years of their lives while they figured out what they really wanted to do with their lives. Some of them got out when their first hitch was up, others remain officers & gentlemen to this day. Some never made it through basic training.

I knew people who joined the military under unusual circumstances. There was the friend of a friend who realized too late that he had chosen poorly in dropping out of school to join the Marines. He tried like hell to get out, his mom and dad even bringing in a lawyer–but no luck.

VICTORY IS OURS!

A guy I knew joined the army to impress his iceberg of a father. It didn’t work. Another quit school to join the navy and learn valuable skills, where he became a cook.

Yet another friend disappeared one weekend during college, only to reappear a few days later explaining that he’d been in jail on unpaid tickets, during which time the notion had come upon him to join the Marines. He signed up immediately after getting out of the lockup. Despite this unlikely start (which included LSD & ecstasy binges when he came home after boot camp), unlike the schlub from above, this guy wanted to be a Marine. He only served one enlistment, but based on the life he enjoys today (beautiful wife, lovely daughter and some job in software that I don’t really understand but suspect is pretty decent), I’d say it was pretty good for him.

***

Although I never served, it had been something of a tradition in my family. My ancestors served in conflicts large and small.

Following the American Civil War one of my ancestors was hanged in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, for overzealously prosecuting the war as a Union Captain. (To clarify, I mean that my ancestor was executed at the noose. I should note that all males in my family, up into the present, have been mightily hung).

Like A Horse, People!

***

My Great Uncle, the Colonel, was a tough old bastard. He died just a couple of years ago at 89. He served in World War II, Korea and Vietnam. During the Second World War, he led a Guerilla outfit against the Japanese in New Guinea, and according to family legend was the “first white man to cross the New Guinea jungle.” Now, in the interest of keeping these tales true, let me say that I can’t vouch for that claim. For one thing, I’ve seen pictures, and there were plenty of other white dudes with him, all probably just as eager for Caucasian Hall of Fame immortality.

How do you suppose he died? Do you think it was old age? Old age couldn’t kill this man. Two or three years ago, during an intense Washington snowstorm, the Colonel decided that he would DRIVE HIMSELF to his doctor’s appointment for cataracts. Yeah, go ahead and read that sentence again. He hit a tree.

He lived for a month after that.

We Didn’t Think There Was Anything That Could Kill You.

***

My grandfather was old by the time I came along. A phlegmatic, mellow dude more comfortable with the exotic plants in his garden than with his children or grandchildren, my grandfather had an amazing story that he told to very few people. I found out not long before he died, and only when my mother told me. I asked my grandfather, and he told me it was true.

My grandfather joined the US Navy sometime around 1939 or 1940. In the early part of 1941, he was stationed in (I believe) California. His ship was the USS Arizona. My grandfather got his orders to go with the ship to where it would be based with the Pacific Fleet, at the US Naval Station at Pearl Harbor–a pretty plumb assignment.

But one of Grandpa’s buddies wasn’t so lucky. He got orders to set sail on a different ship for Washington State, which is nobody’s idea of a good time. My grandfather was from Oregon, and his friend convinced him to let him bribe the quartermaster $50 to switch their orders, so that Grandpa would go to Bremerton, and his friend to Pearl Harbor. Grandpa agreed.

I absolutely love this story. It’s very likely that had my grandfather gone to Pearl Harbor, I would not be here today. To me it is a wonderful story.

Not so to my grandfather. When he told me this story, he said that he felt like a fraud and a cheat–a walking dead man. He wept bitterly when he told the tale.

One Thing We’ve Learned, Grandpa, Is That You Have To Live With The Choices You Make.

***

However, my Uncle Roy, Grandpa’s younger brother (who also died within the last few years) was at Pearl Harbor on December 7th, 1941, and received some sort of commendation for, as he puts it, “Fishing people out of the water.”

It turns out that Uncle Roy, unlike so many other unfortunate young Americans that day, was awake when the attack came (and I believe–although I’m unsure and now not likely to ever know–that he was on land). He told me he was eating a sandwich when he heard the explosions which signalled the first salvo in the sneak attack, a military sucker punch so underhanded that it remained unequaled in the annals of perfidy until the events of September 11, 2001.

“What did you do, Uncle Roy?” I asked, when he told me the story the last time I saw him, at a family reunion years ago.

“I finished that sammich,” he said, dead serious, “I didn’t know when I was gonna get to eat again.”

***

More thoughts on gays in the military.

As you may know, several months ago, Promethean Times created its own slogan to replace the cowardly “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” with something that reflects our own views: Won’t Ask, Don’t Care.

Gay people have been silently serving in America’s military since the days of the Revolution (mostly in the Navy, though). Just like their straight comrades, they have fought, bled and died for this nation. It is only fitting then, that we honor their service and dedication to country by allowing them so serve as complete individuals, and something of a mystery perhaps that it took us this long.

The military’s recent acceptance of gay openly gay people is unquestionably a positive step for personal liberty and a move to make America’s military better represent the face of her people. However, it must be noted that should a full draft ever be reinstated, by eliminating homosexuality as a dischargeable offense, these well-intentioned do-gooders have inadvertently eliminated the best chance a young man has for legally dodging the draft. And for that, we say: Nice Going, Homos!

“I Love It When We Hit Port And The Docks Literally Overflow With Running Seamen.”

This Day In History: August 9, 1945 CE

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Crime, Culture, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

atomic bomb, August 9, Bockscar, catastrophe, Fat Man, harsh response, if something's not funny the first time maybe it will be the second, Japan, Japanese Surrender, man-made disaster, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, nuclear explosion, Theory of Moral Relativity, this day in history, United States Army, United States of America, US Army Air Corps, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World War II

On which OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN!  AGAIN WITH THE BOMBING!  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Okay. Now We're Done.

Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Albert Einstein, atomic bomb, Axis Powers, Bockscar, decision to drop the bomb, easy choice, Enola Gay, Fat Man, General Tojo, Germany, hard choice, Harry S Truman, Hiroshima, Japan, Little Boy, Nagasaki, Theory of Moral Relativity, United States Army, war of attrition, war-weariness, World War II

By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly.  Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East.  Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high.  Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts.  Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options.  The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure.   The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a  beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior.  The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition.  By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public.  Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two.  Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"

This Day In History: August 6, 1945 CE

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

08:15, atomic bomb, August 6, Enola Gay, harsh response, Hiroshima, Japan, Juro sucks so bad it isn't even funny, Little Boy, Manhattan Project, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, Pacific Theater, Rising Sun, ruined birthday parties, Say hello to my little friend, Smaktakula got notebook paper one year for his birthday so he kind of knows how it feels, that song by OMD, this day in history, United States Army, US Army Air Corps, War with Japan, World War II

On which Hiro Okada has the shittiest birthday ever.

"Fuuuuuck Yooooou, Juro!"

 “Yeah, my apartment is trashed.  I’m gonna go crash at my sister’s place in Nagasaki for a few days.”

This Day In History: August 5, 1945 CE

05 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

August 5, birthday parties, deus ex machina, Hiro thinks he's so cool but you know what? He's not., Hiroshima, Japan, Pacific Theater, Rising Sun, sneak attack, Surprise!, this day in history, tomorrow is another day, United States Army, US Army Air Corps, World War II

A lovely, but otherwise unremarkable day in Hiroshima, Japan.  On which young Juro Watanabe prays feverishly for a means to avoid hated cousin Hiro’s birthday party the following afternoon.

"You Know, It's Been So Nice Out These Past Few Days. Why Don't We Pack Ourselves A Lunch And Picnic In The Park Tomorrow?"

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: The Little Big Horn

28 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Politics, Relationships

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

7th Cavalry, Cheyenne, Custer's Last Stand, General George Armstrong Custer, Great Moments In American Diplomacy, Holy Shit! Look at all those fucking Indians!, Indians, Lakota, Little Big Horn, Montana Territory, Native Americans, Sioux, Sitting Bull, that trick never works, The Battle of the Little Big Horn, The Indian Wars, unimproved red men, United States Army, United States of America, Wounded Knee Massacre, Yellow Hair

June 25, 1876: On Which The Sioux Are Made To Understand That Their Way Of Life Will No Longer Be Tolerated.
See you guys at Wounded Knee!  Be sure to bring the family.

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