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Tag Archives: Albert Einstein

Headlines 12.10.12

10 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Science, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Albert Einstein, Alzheimer's, Baseball, Black Hawk Down, community college vs real college, Des Moines, great white shark, headlines, Hollywood, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Sandy, Jesus Juice, Nadya Suleman, New Orleans, New York City, Octomom, polio, pornography, Pussy Riot, redheads, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, United Nations, Weekly World News

By Smaktakula

Once A Staple In Grocery Store Check-Out Aisles Across The Nation, The Weekly World News’ Folksy Exaggerations And Fanciful Tales Were No Match For The Real-Time Prevarications And High-Tech Lies Being Spread Around The Clock By The Likes Of FOX News And MSNBC.

In which we base our comments solely on the headlines. We leave the actual reading to society dames, old people and the friendless sissy boys who enjoy that kind of thing.

***

7 Reasons Your Neighbors Have More Money Than You ~ They’re simply better people and deserve to lead more pleasant and exciting lives. That’s why.

Octomom AVN Awards: Nadya Suleman ‘Blown Away’ By Porn Award Nomination ~ This is the first time we can recall feeling sorry for legitimate porn actors. It also marks the first time we’ve thought of them as in any way ‘legitimate.’

Post-Katrina funds run dry ~ First of all, ha ha–‘dry’–classy. Secondly, New Orleans has been crashing on the national couch for about seven years now; maybe it’s time it got up and went looking for a job. That carton of Newports didn’t buy itself, you know.

Tragedies can’t break heroic NY community’s spirit ~ After Hollywood, has there ever in the annals of recorded history been a city so embarrassingly self-aware and so achingly in need of constant acknowledgement than NYC?

Help! My Grandma Thinks I’m Not Her Son’s Biological Child ~ Look, you’ve got to understand that Grandma’s way of thinking stems from a bygone era. Back in her day a child could still expect a good public school education, so she’s pretty smart.

Saving Somalia: A wasted effort? ~Well, we feel bad saying it, but yeah, don’t you kinda think so?

They Made A Movie About The Last Time We Were There, Which Most Likely Means We Won.

Great White sharks are not dangerous according to daring photographer ~ Okay, be honest now: Who out there isn’t hoping this clown gets gobbled up in a spectacularly messy fashion?

The Island Where People Forget to Die ~ If that really worked, the world would be up to its ass in Alzheimer patients.

Ohio 16-year-old dead after fight with another girl over flatulence ~ FART FIGHT!

Community colleges’ promise meets bitter reality ~ Kids–for real promise, go to real college.

Edward Archbold Cockroach-eating contest winner dies moments after … ~ As if the lame-ass name weren’t bad enough, the ridiculous, undignified death is the icing on the cake. They’re gonna kick you around a bit in heaven, so be ready for that.

Polio: The UN’s Fierce Fight to End the Ancient Scourge ~ Rest easy, folks. With the UN on the case, we almost feel sorry for polio.

Solved Ages Ago. Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Heard Somebody Even MENTION Darfur?

In Des Moines, Turning Off Weather Beacon Unleashes Storm ~ It’s so cute–they really BELIEVE that!

Learning French Is Like Learning Baseball ~ Except that you get more stinky doing it.

Albert Einstein’s Brain May Provide Clues To His Genius, Study Says ~ Nothing better illustrates the contemporary need for an intellect like Einstein’s than the sad fact that scientists are seeking to determine if the brilliant physicist owed his world-class mind to the great big learnin’ muscle inside his skull.

When the Arab Jews Fled ~ Man, when DIDN’T they?

Traci Lords: I Want To Teach My Son To ‘Use His Penis For Good And Not Evil’ ~ The penis does not distinguish between arbitrary human concepts like ‘good’ and ‘evil.’ The penis is the lawgiver. Oh, and Traci’s a fucking halfwit.

Scientists: Genes, not sun, behind redheads’ increased melanoma risk ~ That and the Lord’s disfavor. Can’t forget about the Lord’s disfavor.

And They All Kinda Look Like That Creepy Homicidal Plaything, ‘Chucky The Killer Doll’ From Child’s Play.

The Absurd and Outrageous Trial of Pussy Riot ~ Well, it’s pretty much a given that any forum in which “Pussy” is uttered roughly 3,218 times will be a somewhat less-than-dignified affair.

Alabama man raped his niece while her father watched, police officer testifies ~ The detail which has so far proved most vexing to the investigators is that there appears to have been only one man at the scene of the crime.

In Haiti, Sandy Leaves Behind Death and Devastation ~ More death and devastation, that is. Let’s not pretend the place was Beverly Hills before that hurricane showed up.

A Surfer Waits for a Wave—in Idaho ~ Hope you brought a book, brah.

Give Pot a Chance ~ That’s all we’re saying.

For Asians, School Tests Are Vital Steppingstones ~ “But rest of you all dummies! And so lazy! You lazy dummies all work for me someday!”

Oh, Snap! By That Same Logic, I Guess I Don’t Really Drive An Automobile With Quite As Much Skill As I Think I Do.

How Old is your Dog in Human Years ~ Rusty’s four, moron. The tricky one is ‘dog years.’

10 things trick-or-treaters won’t say ~ “Why, sure!~–I’d be delighted to sip warm Jesus Juice in your basement while you give me a shoulder rub.”

The Elmo Scandal … Forget the Kids, Poor Us! ~ Is your life truly so bereft of real human experience that a scandal involving an imaginary character can so fundamentally undermine the foundation upon which your sense of self rests?

Cops: Bargain-hunter took home TV, left tot ~ That IS a bargain. Think of all the money he’s gonna save over the next sixteen years or so.

Help! My Husband Is Transitioning to a Woman ~ Why don’t YOU help, then? Presumably you’ve had some experience being a chick.

Size does matter in bed, study shows ~ So despite what she tells you, thumbdick, you leave her restless and achingly unfulfilled.

In Case Anyone Wants To Know (Ladies), We Wear A Size 14. Wide.

We Get It, Ladies: You’re Dying To Know, But Embarrassed To Ask–Size 14. Wide.

The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room.  The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations.  Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks.  Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks.  A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known.  Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood.  In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population.  It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males.  The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation.  One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude.  In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole.  One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks.  Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks.  Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

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Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Albert Einstein, atomic bomb, Axis Powers, Bockscar, decision to drop the bomb, easy choice, Enola Gay, Fat Man, General Tojo, Germany, hard choice, Harry S Truman, Hiroshima, Japan, Little Boy, Nagasaki, Theory of Moral Relativity, United States Army, war of attrition, war-weariness, World War II

By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly.  Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East.  Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high.  Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts.  Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options.  The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure.   The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a  beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior.  The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition.  By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public.  Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two.  Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"

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