15 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music
Tags
false predictions, Hammer Time!, MC Hammer, outright lies, self-deception, stars of yesteryear, Too Legit to Quit, Where Are They Now?
Ultimately, The Effort To Hide His Illegitimacy Proved Too Much For Hammer.
After assuring us that he was too legit to do any such thing–MC Hammer quit.
14 Thursday Jun 2012
Tags
American Flag, China, Flag Day, gay people, idol worship, jingoism, my country right or wrong, Stars and Stripes, true meanings of holidays, United States of America
On which we celebrate a piece of cloth, but not the brave young men and women who died for it. They already have their own day.
The ‘USA’ Mentioned Here Is A Mid-Size Village In China.
Because we just don’t see enough of the flag these days.
No, That’s ‘Flag’ Day–With An ‘L.’ Your Day Will Come.
13 Wednesday Jun 2012
It Can Sometimes Be Helpful To Remember That Not Every Situation Is An Ideal Forum For Your Rapier-Keen Wit.
Sometimes, when Johnny Law pulls over an out-of-state driver for one of a variety of offenses such as speeding or gun-running, he likes to preface his presentation of the offense by professing ignorance to the legality of the issue in the arrestee’s home state. For example, “Son, I don’t know how they do things in Arizona, but hit and run is against the law in California.”*
The outcome of the encounter will largely be determined by the first words out of your mouth. It is therefore a bad idea to say, “Really? You didn’t know that striking something with your vehicle and then fleeing the scene is illegal pretty much everywhere in the world that they have laws?”
The officer will not appreciate your helpfulness.
12 Tuesday Jun 2012
Tags
abject apologies, Adolf Hitler, appeasement, death by blimp, dirigibles, Germany, Hindenburg, Irving Smaktakulawcyz, Lakehurst, New Jersey, outright lies, WWII
Look At It This Way: It Would Be Hard To Stomach Seeing This Thing Flying Over The Super Bowl Every Year.
Friday, May 7th, 1937
In our coverage of yesterday’s Hindenburg tragedy in New Jersey, Promethean Times’ writer Irving Smaktakulawcyz made several explosive statements which, given the scope of the horrific disaster, were at the very least ill-advised. Readers shocked by Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s course language and indecent speech can rest assured that the scoundrel has been disciplined in accordance with the policies of this 150-year-old publication.
Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s views do not represent those of Promethean Times. It is never acceptable, on or off the editorial page, to write such indecencies as “Burn, Fritz! Burn!” or “There’s sure to be several sauerkrauts back in the Fatherland tonight!” Moreover, under no circumstances do we find either appropriate or amusing Mr. Smaktakulawcyz ‘s repeated injunction, “Break out the buns, folks, ’cause we’ve got 35 char-broiled Frankfurters here!”
Irving Smaktakulawcyz: “Although It Would Later Be Determined That Thirty-Five Individuals Perished In The Disaster, Initial Estimates Were Much Lower. Witnesses At The Scene Recalled Hearing Several Victims Screaming ‘NINE!'”
Gentle readers, please believe that we are every bit as offended as yourselves by the inflammatory statements of this rogue reporter. We consider it a black eye upon Promethean Times‘ heretofore unblemished reputation for sober dignity in journalism. We assure our readers that in the future this publication shall never again cast aspersions at our European cousins and brethren in white Christendom.
Moreover, we wish to quell those rumors which currently abound, purporting that our wholehearted and abject apology to you, the reader, is something less than genuine. Let us be clear: this apology is not the result of German threats. As you know, it is the opinion of Promethean Times that while Herr Hitler talks a good game, the German Führer lacks the stomach to back up his empty saber-rattling.
On a final note, while we deplore some of the more caustic statements made by Mr. Smaktakulawcyz, we are proud of his first-rate reporting. We believe that long after the passage of time dulls the sting of the teutonophobic reporter’s badly chosen words, his accomplishments yesterday in Lakehurst, New Jersey will ring out through posterity. When future generations think upon this terrible event, they will be unlikely to remember the tepid bleating of Herbert “Oh, the humanity!” Morrison, but rather recall the stirring words of Irving Smaktakulawcyz: “Holy Fuck! The fat dude in the lederhosen just went up like a Roman candle!”
What Do You Call It When A Bunch Of Nazi-Era Germans Get Burned To A Crisp? A *Tragedy*? We Suppose, But We Were Going For *Irony.*
11 Monday Jun 2012
Tags
bad parents, crank, drugs, meth, methamphetamine, poor judgement, white trash, you got a real purty mouth
If this is your high school senior portrait, then yes, he is:
Cole And Ashley Are Quite Literally Cranking Them Out.
10 Sunday Jun 2012
Posted in Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
1906 San Francisco Earthquake, bad taste in movies, earwig songs, earwigs, Jim Carrey, nasty creatures, outright lies, poor judgement, unfunny comedians
How Could This Godawful Thing NOT Want To Seek Shelter Deep Within The Moist, Dark Environs Of Your Grey Matter?
Despite being one of God’s fuglier creations, the earwig is relatively harmless. Nonetheless, because it is such a nasty critter, it has earned a horrifying (but sadly apocryphal) reputation as an ear-seeking parasite which gnaws deep into soft, pink brain tissue to birth its numberless and hungry young. The victim, his brain resembling a wedge of well-aged Emmental, quickly loses even the barest trace of culture or refinement, finding himself enthralled by the latest Tom Clancy thriller and drawn like a moth a flame to retard-cinema flicks like Dumb & Dumber.
It Makes As Much Sense As Anything Else.
Some songs are like that, too. If even one of these classic tunes follows you into the workweek, we’ll know we’ve done our job.
Enjoy!
And lastly, this musical abortion:
08 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
Chachi Arcola, crappy shows, foolish choices, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, irony, John the Revelator, Scott Baio, We can't decide whether 'Chachi Arcola' sounds more like a soft drink or a venereal disease
It’s a sobering discovery that some human beings–individuals competent enough at least to complete a purchase at a large retail store–have thought it an equal exchange to forfeit $10 of their own or someone else’s hard-earned money for the complete first season of Charles in Charge.
They Called The Show ‘Charles in Charge,’ But You Know What? Charles Wasn’t Really In Charge At All. That’s Irony. People Appreciate Irony.
When society has become so benumbed, decadent and depraved that it stands unmoved in the face of such cultural blasphemy, surely it heralds the approach of the four terrible riders prophesied so long ago by John the Revelator.
08 Friday Jun 2012
Posted in Culture
Not many people know that the fur hat traditional to Russia but also worn in many cold places around the globe is properly called a Ushanka.
Go Ahead–Try To Wear This Without Looking Like A Douche. It Can’t Be Done!
It is more familiarly known by its nickname, “Grizzly Tampon.”
07 Thursday Jun 2012
Tags
alcoholism, bigotry, bravery, Catholicism, Christians, double standards, Germany, holiness church, Holocaust, hypocrisy, Jehovah's Witnesses, Jews, LDS, Methodists, Mormons, muslims, NAMBLA, pacifism, Quakers, religious intolerance, religious persecution, safe to joke about, snake handlers, weirdos
Originally Posted 01.03.12
Man, It Is So Refreshing Not Have To Make Up Some Excuse About His Politics, And Instead Simply Be Able To Say, “I’m Not Gonna Vote For This Guy ‘Cause I Hate His Crazy Religion.”
It’s no secret that joking about religion can be a dicey prospect. While it may occasionally still be safe to joke about baby-buggering bishops outside the earshot of any nearby papists (which means refraining from comment in bars, bingo parlors or AA meetings), kicking the Catholics is increasingly frowned upon in polite society. The Jews, for centuries the go-to faith for angry scapegoaters, have in the last half-century begun to push back with vehemence against all insults real and imagined. Even Islam, long-acknowledged as the most easy-going among all the Great Faiths, has begun to take a firmer hand with those who besmirch its many anachronistically inflexible tenets. It seems like nobody wants to be poked fun at any more, and doing so can cost you your job–or worse.
If Physical Intimidation Is Your Thing, Why Not Pick On The Quakers, Jehovah’s Witnesses Or Amish?–They’re Pacifists–Although They’re Tougher Than They Look.
That’s why we’re so lucky in America to have weirdo religions like the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, snake-handlers and the like. When feeling down, who hasn’t picked himself up by joking that the Mormon guy at work “probably has like eight wives?” And almost everyone has personally experienced the joy of bonding with a stranger over a simple conversation about how fucking annoying it is to have somebody come to your door once or twice a year to tell you that God loves you.
“Would You PLEASE Stop Saying That? It’s Offensive.”
But even these small comforts may soon be a memory. Kicking bizarre religions could become a quaint relic of yesteryear if these fundamentalist wackos get their way, and pretty soon we may have to start treating these fringe-dwellers like real faiths–with respect. Ridiculous! We would rather see our daughters forced into a life of prostitution than to compromise our principles by treating a snake handler as if he were the spiritual equal of a Methodist or a Muslim. Not only is snake handling illegal in most civilized states, but its disturbing tenets fall completely outside the boundaries of what Promethean Times deems acceptable for a ‘normal’ religion.
We Call Bullshit. They’re Happy AND They Enjoy Spending Time With Their Families? Just What The Fuck Is Wrong With These People?
While we believe that, without exception, tolerance should be extended to every person on Earth regardless of his or her wacky beliefs, we can’t stand Mormons because of their extreme and hateful view of homosexuality–they strongly disapprove of it. Perhaps if we outlawed their ridiculous religion they’d understand how important it is to tolerate people with differing beliefs, even those considered offensive.
Sure, We All Know That Church On Saturday Is Weird And Wrong. But If You Want To Avoid Real Trouble, Make Sure The Line Of People At Which You’re Throwing Eggs Is Coming Out Of A Kingdom Hall.
What can we say about the Jehovah’s Witnesses that we haven’t said before? The really irritating thing about the Jehovah’s Witnesses is that when they’re mocked and the faith they hold so dear is distorted by a bunch of sneering half-truths, they retaliate by taking the time to write a nice note with a polite point-by-point response to the issues upon which there is disagreement. Some call it ‘turning the other cheek,’ but we call it fighting dirty.
Plus, They’re Cowards. When Most Other Able-Bodied German Men Were Doing Their Part To Enslave The Remaining Free Peoples Of Europe, The Jehovah’s Witnesses Decided They’d Rather Stay Home And Camp.
Although the American public still enjoys the right to publicly belittle these various zealots without fear of social opprobrium, the winds are changing. Soon, we may be forced to place these factions on par with those groups which have a legitimate history of persecution, like NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Until then, we ask that other people of legitimate faiths to join us in fervently wishing that a few more of those freaks get bit by their own deadly serpents.
Serves You Right For Being Such A Weirdo.
07 Thursday Jun 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
consequences, Girl Next Door, hooker with a heart of gold, insurance professionals, it's a cold sore!, Lake Havasu, Progressive Flo, Progressive Insurance, Spring Break, the crabs, VD, women of easy virtue
We get it–she’s a kooky-but-sexy, hard-partying minx with just a hint of the Girl Next Door, a kind-hearted, wise-cracking goodtimes gal who is equal parts insurance professional, therapist and naughty nurse. But seriously, could Progressive have found a spokesperson who looks any more like the chick who gave you the crabs that one time during Spring Break at Lake Havasu?
“At First You Think The Itch Will Drive You Crazy. But I Guess You Get Used To Anything After A While.”
Promethean Times 