Author Archives: Smaktakula

White People

09 Wednesday May 2012

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By Smaktakula

For Whitey, By Whitey.

Weird Family Photo - WTF

Caucasians Tend To Have Higher Incidences Of The So-Called ‘Dork Gene’ Than The Other Races, Although In This They Are Followed Closely By Asians.

With A Few Notable Exceptions, The Premier Spleen-Eating Nutjobs Have All Been White.

Honestly, White People Don’t Think He’s Funny Either. They Just Pretend To Because It Annoys You.

For Many Years, It Was Considered A Lock That A White Dude Would Win The Presidency.

Whatever. Do We Give You A Hard Time About Putting Salsa On Everything?

Worst Case Scenario: He Gets A Ticket.

White Man’s Overbite: Why Fair-Skinned Dudes Should Not Dance (This Applies To Straight Men Only–You Do Your Thing, Girlfriend).

Despite The Diluting Tendencies Of Multiculturalism, Some Fashions Remain Distinctively White.

“It’s True That Sir Edmund Hillary–A White Man–Was The FIrst To Reach The Top Of Mt. Everest. I Should Know; I Was There.”

Much Like The Futuristic Do-Gooders Of Star Trek, White People Have Always Endeavored To Be Respectful Of Indigenous Cultures.

It’s Never To Early To Instill A Sense Of Community Spirit In Your Child.

“Whitey 4 Life, Yo!”

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Tidbits

08 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Tardsie

Tardsie’s Collected A Few Stories In His Time.

***

The Bad Touch

I have a friend who maintains–and as ridiculous as this claim may sound, if you knew the guy, you’d understand why I believe it–that he’s tried masturbation only once. He says he didn’t like it.

I told him he was doing it wrong.

It’s So Easy To Do–We’re Doing It Right Now!

***

Mark David Chapman–We Need You Now!

When I was a kid I had a copy of the Bee Gees’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, which I mistakenly believed was the Bee Gees’ original work. One day, while listening to the album and making fun of it, my friend’s mom burst into the room and said, “That’s BEATLES music!” She looked at me with an expression of stone-cold horror and said, “One day you’ll be sorry you made fun of the Beatles!” For a while I was weirded-out by that, waiting for the regret-shoe to drop.

I’m still not sorry, Mrs. Martinez, but I hope you’re well.

If Anything, Tardsie Should Get Points For Mocking This Musical Abortion.

***

Only Losers Ride The Bus

When I can, I prefer to travel by train. Air travel is unpleasant enough, thanks to my fear of flying (I don’t fear terrorists; I fear that the massive metal tube in which I am travelling will, like Wile E. Coyote after he has dashed off the side of a cliff, suddenly realize that it has   heretofore been denying a fundamental principle of physics and plummet abruptly earthward, accompanied all the while by the soundtrack of my girlish screams) and the myriad inconveniences attendant with the ‘airline experience.’

Much Like The Storied Honey Badger, Amtrak Doesn’t Give A Shit.

Amtrak personnel–if you’ll pardon a rare excursion into vulgarity–don’t give two shits. With one notable exception, they don’t care what you do as long as you’re not so blatant about it that you force their hand. The one rule I’ve seen Amtrak enforce–with a vengeance–is a prohibition against smoking tobacco. Get caught smoking and they will throw your ass off at the next stop. No foolin.’ As I don’t smoke cigarettes, I can enjoy the refreshingly anachronistic freedom the train offers.

A great example of this is from a recent trip I took. For privacy reasons, I make it a point to ask the attendant not to make up my room, usually with the explanation that I work late into the evening (which is true). However, at one point, I hadn’t realized that a new attendant had come on duty, and while I was at dinner, he made up my room. I was chagrined when I arrived back at my room to find several items I would very much NOT like discovered stacked neatly beside the freshly made bed. Nothing more was ever said, however, and of course the attendant got a nice tip.

I’ve always maintained that train travel is for degenerate stoners and the elderly. I’ll let you know right now, folks–I’m not that old.

God, We Love The Train.

***

Sometimes Tardsie Wants To Punch Himself In The Face

I walked into work one day and saw that one of my coworkers, a girl named Kelly, was dressed to the nines.

“Hey, Kelly,” I said, “You look great! Who died?”

“My grandma,” she said.

***

What Not To Say To A Cop

I lived in Washington State for a while, where having California license plates is considered a capital crime. So one day this cop in Mt. Lake Terrace pulls me over for speeding and starts giving me shit about being from California, “We have speed limits here, son!”

Apparently the little fellow was irritated when I broke eye contact with him to look for my insurance paperwork. He said, “If you don’t want to listen, I can just give you the ticket right now.”

A little pissed myself, I said, “I’m listening, dude, I’m just looking for my paperwork.”

“Hey!” He said, “Don’t call me that. I’m not a dude, all right?”

If I’d had another second to think about it, I would have chosen a different path. Instead, I said, “I’m sorry, ma’am–you looked so masculine.”

He didn’t care for that one bit.

This Guy Was Holding $15 Worth Of Pot. Not In Lewis County, Washington.

Punking Galileo

07 Monday May 2012

Posted by in History

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By Smaktakula

Was It Worth It? Was It Worth It To Be The Smartest Man IN HELL?

As you know, we occasionally like to offer advice for those who may someday have the opportunity–however unlikely–to travel through time. Today’s thoughts are on the genius Galileo (actually Galileo Galilei, making the Renaissance-era renaissance man a sort of old-timey Duran Duran), whose contributions to astronomy have proved invaluable to posterity, but cost him so much at the time.

If you’re like most people, your first inclination upon travelling back to Galileo’s era would be to defend the later-to-be-proved-correct notions of the historical wop. This helps no one. If the Church didn’t believe a brilliant dude like Galileo, do you really imagine they’re going to believe the ravings of someone who claims to “come from the future?” Of course they’re not. And despite Galileo’s fame and scientific vindication, it took about 500 years for the Vatican to admit its mistake. Do you suppose that the Church would even remember excommunicating you? Your immortal soul can’t take that risk.

We’re Also On Record As Saying The Earth Is Flat, Sickness Is Caused By Evil Humours And That Leeches Are An Effective Treatment For Maladies Large And Small.

That’s why, if we ever travelled back to that era, we’d do things a little differently. We’d try to find out when Galileo was giving his big presentation, and get there a little earlier. “Holy Fathers,” we’d say, “We’ll be brief–our pal Galileo wants to say something to you next. We just wanted to let you know that we have confirmed through hours of meticulous research what the wisdom of the Church has been teaching for centuries–the sun does indeed revolve around the earth. Thanks for your time, we know you’re very busy and are eager to hear what Galileo has discovered.”

Those who follow our advice won’t be disappointed. Although, you’ll be proved an idiot in half a millennium’s time, this fact will be lost to all but the most OCD-afflicted historians. And while the brilliant Galileo suffers the indignities and metaphysical perils of excommunication, yours will be a life full of wenches and mead.

The Devil’s In The Detail.

The REAL Reason Straight Guys Dig Lesbians

06 Sunday May 2012

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By Smaktakula

As sticky keyboards across the globe will attest, some guys have a thing for lesbians–or more properly, for lesbian sex.  These imaginative fetishists notwithstanding, the supposed sexual fixation straight men are said to have with the bedroom goings-on of gay chicks is largely a media creation. However, the affection many straight males feel for gay women is often underestimated, and goes well beyond mental spank flicks involving silicon-swollen lipstick lesbians.

The thought of Portia de Rossi-DeGeneres groping a Silence of the Lambs-era Jodie Foster is titillating for the 75-90 seconds it takes to shake loose such thoughts. Remaining in their stead is a clear-headed appraisal of the myriad reasons to like lesbians, not least because of their many dude-like qualities.

“Are You Deaf Or Just Stupid? I Didn’t Say Lovie Smith *Created* The Cover 2 Defense. But C’Mon, He Was The Fucking Linebackers Coach For Tampa Bay During The Dungy Era. You’re A Moron If You Think He Wasn’t A Big Part Of That.”

Hey guys, that was Mick on the phone–she and Chris are on their way with beer and pork rinds. ∞ T.

This Day In History: May 5th, 1862 CE

05 Saturday May 2012

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On which the Mexican Army defeats French forces at the Battle of Puebla, giving future generations of historically-ignorant Americans an opportunity to party in celebration of Mexican Independence.

This Gentleman Marks September 16th As Independence Day. With The Possible Exception Of Waterloo, Nobody Brags About A Victory Over The French.

This Day In History: May 4th, 1970 CE

04 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, History, Music, Politics

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On which the simmering combination of angry anti-war protesters and nervous Ohio National Guardsmen reaches a violent boil, inspiring a great Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young song.

“Tin Soldiers And Nixon Coming, We’re Finally On Our Own . . .This Summer I Hear The Drumming–Damn, This Song IS Catchy.”

Four dead in O-Hi-O. ∞T.

Our Advice: Take It Or Leave It

03 Thursday May 2012

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By Smaktakula

Our Advice Is A Lot Like Hers, Except Useful.

Some advice, friends. Take it and profit.

***

It sure DOES make you look fat. If you have to ask, don’t wear it.

Maybe Some Vertical Stripes Would Hide That.

***

Although the temptation will always be there, when a person tells you they’ve never done/seen/experienced something, for example, the film Gone with the Wind, there’s no need to rephrase this statement as an interrogative: “Really? You haven’t seen Gone with the Wind?” No, we haven’t. In fact, we told you as much less than five seconds ago.

Why Is So Surprising That We Haven’t Seen It? We’re Adults.

***

Anyone who says, after you ask them a question, “Well, let’s put it this way…” is an asshole. No, let’s not put it any way but the fucking answer.

***

If you meet somebody with an apostrophe in his first name, there’s a good chance he’ll assault you and take your stuff. If he has an apostrophe in his last name, relax–he’s an Islander. Shaka, Bra!

Meet D’Angelo T’uupalopapaupau. He’s Going To Fucking Kill You.

***

There are only four instances when it is acceptable for a grown man to shed tears:

  1. The death of an immediate family member (this includes beloved dogs).
  2. A championship for your sports team, after a minimum of a ten-year drought (real sports only–baseball, football, hockey, basketball).
  3. To get out of trouble with a woman (use sparingly–no one wants to date a pussy).
  4. For sex. Remember–pity sex is still sex.

Tears: Use ‘Em Wisely.

This Day In History: May 2, 2011 CE

02 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in History, Politics

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On which reclusive dick and all-around nastyman Osama bin Laden is shot down like a filthy animal among his voluminous porn collection.

The Thought Of His Cringing Demise Among Heaping Stacks Of Fluid-Spattered Porn Keeps Us Warm At Night.

Below are a few of Promethean Times‘ original stories about this happy event:

Bin Laden: The Final Hours

After Osama

Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: Would You Like (Penis) Fries With That?

01 Tuesday May 2012

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By Tardsie

But Before We Stamp It Out Entirely, Maybe We Can Have Some Fun With It First.

As a lad, I used to hang out with a kid we’ll call Zed. Zed was a couple of years older than I was, but we’d met when we were both in the 8th grade. Zed was not a bright boy. In fact, he was a stone-cold moron, and the 8th and part of the 9th grades were the only times we were in school together, because Zed dropped out as soon as the law would allow.

Despite being a halfwit, Zed actually had some things going for him. For one, he was reasonably good-looking and had a–if not refined, then at least well-developed–sense of style. For whatever reason–back then, anyway–girls flocked to him, and Zed could boast a number of conquests before the rest of us had even reached second base.

And while Zed wasn’t exactly a mean guy, by being the youngest of our group and having the biggest mouth, it ended up that he’d pick on me from time to time. He was bigger and stronger than I was then, and there wasn’t much I could do but take it. For a while.

As a functionally retarded ninth-grade dropout, Zed’s career prospects were by no means overwhelming, and so when his mom finally made him apply at McDonald’s, it seemed Zed had found the job he was born to do. But first came the application. Sadly, as a consequence of his infrequent and attenuated schooling, Zed was virtually illiterate. Simple words like “cat,” “dog,” and his own name were within Zed’s oeuvre, but more complicated or polysyllabic words might as well have been Sanskrit to the boy. When Zed needed help filling out the application, apparently forgetting his regular abuse–or hoping I would, he turned to me for help.

Obviously, We're Not Too Worried About The Possibility That Zed Might Someday Read This Post.

“How do you spell employee?” Zed asked.

At first I was cautious. “E-M-P-L-O-Y-E-E,” I told him. I spelled a few words for him like this: “E-X-P-E-R-I-E-N-C-E,” “P-R-O-M-P-T,” “H-O-N-E-S-T.”

After a while, though, when I saw that Zed was writing exactly what I told him, the temptation for mischief became too great.

“How do you spell important?” Zed asked.

“Important?” I said, “That’s easy: “I-M-P-O-R-T-A-P-E-N-I-S-N-T.”

Fact: Employers Respect A Powerful Vocabulary.

Zed dutifully wrote it down. Several more followed. “F-R-I-E-N-C-O-C-K-D-L-Y,” “R-E-S-F-U-C-K-E-R-P-O-N-S-I-B-L-E,” “R-E-F-E-A-S-S-H-O-L-E-R-E-N-C-E-S,” and a whole lot more.

Fortunately, just after Zed turned the application in, I called the manager of McDonald’s and told him what I’d done. Zed got the job and we all had a great big laugh.

Maybe You're Not Using Them Right.

The above story is 100% true, except for the last paragraph. I never told anybody anything, and of course, Zed didn’t get that job.

Don't Fuck With TarPENISdsie!

Headlines 04.30.12

30 Monday Apr 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 9 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we stop reading after the headlines, and tell you the rest:

11-year-old girl dies after fight with 5th grader over a boy  ~ The 11-year-old clearly didn’t want it badly enough.

Special Needs Student Set On Fire At School ~ Among his special needs now?–Lots and lots of Bactine.

Feds send lady pot every month ~ Meet the future Mrs. Smaktakula!

Take it from a girl who cannot eat, a feeding tube is no fad ~ Just what the fuck is wrong with you that you think you have to tell us that?

Gawrsh! That Looks Awesome!

Donated kidney gets third owner ~ Dude, if you weren’t gonna keep it, you could have given the fucking thing back.

10 Things Parents Should Know About The Avengers (Spoiler-Free) ~ Thor’s a pedophile, Captain America’s got a raging coke habit, and the Hulk’s a ginormous DayGlo homo. See the flick for the other seven.

Prostitute gives NBA advice ~ A professional’s advice is needed to stop them from dribbling before they shoot.

Man loves naked stone lady ~ That’s a little different! But at least it’s not a naked stone man. That would be an offense against nature.

Kinda Faggy, RIght?

Your Vagina Isn’t Just Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy—It’s Also Too Brown ~ And can we talk about the smell?

Helen Keller-brand glasses? ~ They’re called “gheghek5gkedk.” Ask for them by name.

CHRIS BROWN’S NEW PICKUP LINE: “I PROMISE I WON’T BEAT YOU” ~ We get so much tail with that one.

How Muslims View Easter ~ Just another day to blow shit up.

In Muslim Tradition, The Easter Jackal Hides A Backpack Full Of Eggs Somewhere In A Public Place. The Fun Is Trying To Find Them Before They Go Off.

How I Stopped Drowning in Drink ~ And got all preachy.

Cops: Woman burned to death owed suspect $2000 ~ For $2,000 we’ll just slap you around a little–maybe cut you up a bit. We don’t start burning until you’re into us for at least five figures.

Secret Service scandal linked to lack of women in agency ~ Well, right–if there were more ladies around, the fellas wouldn’t have had to go to the brothel in the first place.

20th Anniversary Of The Los Angeles Riots Remembered Sunday ~ Not by Reginald Denny–that guy doesn’t remember shit!

The Biggest Thing Ever To Happen To The Guy, And He Couldn't Tell You A Thing About It.

Gay comes up short in first playoff game ~ And if losing the game wasn’t bad enough, afterwards, Straight and his asshole buddies threw rocks at Gay.

Lawyer: Autistic boy’s teacher didn’t call him ‘bastard’ ~ “Completely untrue. I called him a ‘wretched little Mongoloid doomed to shamble through life on the taxpayer’s dime leaving a whiff of urine in his lurching wake,’ but you know, retards don’t understand ‘people-talk’ very well, so that could sound like ‘bastard.'”

Pregnant Girl to Wed Slain Shooting Victim ~ Sexual congress with the dead is illegal in 49 states. Hello, Alabama!

11-Year-Old Girl Who Gave Birth Is Not Normal ~ The devil you say!

Look, All We Did As A Society Was To Sexualize Children--We Had No Idea That Anyone Would Actually Act On That.