By Tardsie

I taught for a few years after college before making a career change to sales. The two fields are not so dissimilar as you might at first believe; the best teachers are salesmen at heart, I think, labelling their product ‘knowledge.’ As my life began to ebb toward one of responsibility and potential maturity, I viewed the career switch–erroneously, it seems to me now–as an almost necessary rite of passage into adulthood. The first thing you should understand is that I believed I needed this job, and made every effort to convince my new employers that I was Joe Corporate.

The other thing you should understand is about my friend Dave Chen–he’s not at all stupid. If this weren’t already apparent from his ethnic heritage (Asians don’t come in ‘dumb’; folks, you can call me a racist if you like, but only if you have ever personally encountered…

By Tardsie

As a lad, I used to hang out with a kid we’ll call Zed. Zed was a couple of years older than I was, but we’d met when we were both in the 8th grade. Zed was not a bright boy. In fact, he was a stone-cold moron, and the 8th and part of the 9th grades were the only times we were in school together, because Zed dropped out as soon as the law would allow.

Despite being a halfwit, Zed actually had some things going for him. For one, he was reasonably good-looking and had a–if not refined, then at least well-developed–sense of style. For whatever reason–back then, anyway–girls flocked to him, and Zed could boast a number of conquests before the rest of us had even reached second base.

And while Zed wasn’t exactly a mean guy, by being the youngest of our group and…

By Smaktakula

Typically the characters to be found skulking through the pages of Promethean Times are a dark and sorry lot of maladjusted degenerates, ne’er-do-wells and comical third-world despots. And yet, history sometimes offers those examples of human endeavor which are not only significant and worthwhile, but also–rarest of all–interesting. We present to you, the Candybomber. If sweetheartery were an award (or even a real word), the Candybomber would be a perennial winner.

Although many younger readers many not be aware, Americans have not always been despised around the globe as arrogant behemoths trampling the rest of the world beneath their overpriced Nikes. There was a time, only a few short generations ago, when America was revered as a bastion of hope, and a force for good in a bleak and increasingly repressive world. As the occupying forces in Germany and Japan following their defeat at the end of WWII, a generation of earnest…

By Smaktakula

Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break.  It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work.  Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.

Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty.  It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.

German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in…

By Smaktakula

The American Language is an adaptive and remarkable tongue, borrowing unhesitatingly from other languages such as Latin, German and English. But this easy exchange of language is dependent at the very least upon non-hostility between America and the lucky nation whose language is being appropriated. When relations between the US and the donor country are strained, language is often the first victim.

Anti-German sentiment during the First World War caused significant changes in language. Not only did the British ruling family, then known as the House of Saxe-Coburg, change its name to the more Anglo-acceptable (and decidedly Hallmarky) name of ‘Windsor,’ but also prompted Americans to change the names of foodstuffs such as Frankfurters and sauerkraut. The hot-dogs earned the ridiculous sobriquet ‘Liberty Pups,’ while the inedible rancid condiment was called ‘Liberty Cabbage.’

Increasingly, however, Americans have grown too stupid even to recognize words as being of foreign…

Let me first start off by saying, that if any of you haven’t read the Promethean Times, you should give them a shot, they are very funny and satirical. Which he usually puts out new articles Monday through Friday, but then on the weekends we go through withdraws.Now that being said, we met the now famous writer, Smaktakula, while in our senior year of High School, if you can imagine, gas was under a buck, the Berlin Wall was being torn down, the first season of the Simpsons was airing, the World Series was delayed for 10 days due to an earthquake,  Lyle and Erik Menendez shoot their wealthy parents to death, the Tiananmen Square massacre takes place in Beijing, the Ayatollah Khomeini dies in Iran,  the Exxon Valdez oil spill, just to name a few.  There was a lot of major news stories hitting the airwaves back in the day while kids frolicked to and fro to school…