04 Thursday Aug 2011
Tags
backwater shithole, blood sports, cultural backwater, Douglas County, Lewis County, lip-service, Oregon, poseur, veterans, Washington State, we honor veterans, you suck so bad Lewis County so so bad
If your county didn’t hate veterans, it would find a way to tell the world. Some, like Oregon’s Douglas County, have found a way to do just that.
For Their Brave Service, The Least We Can Offer Is Lip-Service.
03 Wednesday Aug 2011
Tags
affecting intelligence, American Civil War, American Revolution, anti-semitism, Chinese Revolution, conflict, Could you be an asshole?, Crimean War, don't be an idiot, Franco-Prussian War, French Revolution, glasses, Gulf War, holy war, Italo-Abyssinian War, Nazis, New York Times, NPR, people who want to sound smart but aren't, Russo-Japanese War, Soviet Revolution, The Indian Wars, Vietnam Conflict, war, War of 1812, wars of religion, Why am I so stupid?, World War I, World War II
"Verily, Brethren, I Say Unto Thee That It Pleaseth The Lord That We Smite These Fuckers Royally."
It’s not a crime to want to seem more intelligent than you really are. There are a great many ways to affect this which are not only effective but also appropriate, such as wearing glasses, carrying an NPR tote bag or bringing up the New York Times more than once in a polite conversation.
Just as there are appropriate ways to feign intelligence, so also are there inappropriate ways. Chief among these are statements designed to sound intelligent to other idiots, but break down under a smidgen of scrutiny. One such canard is the oft-heard assertion that “all wars are fought over religion.”
The Almighty Wants No Part Of This.
It is absolutely true that religion is the cause of all armed conflicts, with a few notable exceptions: World War I, World War II, the Vietnam Conflict, the Soviet Revolution, the French Revolution, the Indian Wars, the Chinese Revolution, the Russo-Japanese War, the War of 1812, the Gulf War, the American Civil War, the Italo-Abyssinian War, the Cuban Revolution, the Korean Conflict, Sino-Vietnamese War, the Franco-Prussian War, the American Revolution, the Crimean War, and far, far, far too many others to name.
Not Only Did These Evil Fuck-Monkeys Wage A Decidedly Unholy War, But They Took It To God's Chosen People.
02 Tuesday Aug 2011
Tags
celebrity skin, childish sexual innuendo, death by Kathy Bates, death by shark, great white shark, Kathy Bates, Oh god my eyes!, the mysterious depths, you got a real purty mouth
Man is a terrestrial creature, born to walk upon the earth’s surface. Although increasingly humans are taking to the water, there remains something primal and terrifying about the awful things which might lie beneath the water’s surface.
The Devil You Know:
A Hideous, Terrifying, And Gaping Pit Of Unquenchable Rapacity.
The Devil You Don’t:
The Same Thing, Most Likely.
01 Monday Aug 2011
Tags
Calvin & Hobbes, douchebaggery, I piss on you!, immaturity, Pissing Calvin, public urination, San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, stupid kids, to my alma mater I apologize, urine
If you ever find yourself uttering the words, “Oh come on now–who HASN’T pissed all over the receiver of a public phone once or twice in his life?“– we can say with a high degree of certainty that you’re a douche.
Be Like This Unauthorized Image Of Calvin And Use Your Urine Powers For The Benefit Of Humanity, And Not To Its Detriment.
01 Monday Aug 2011
Tags
1981, August 1, back in the day, MTV, old people, people with short attention spans, this day in history
On which begins the assault upon America’s already-attenuated attention span.
Yeah, The 'M' Actually Stands For 'Music.' It Makes More Sense If You're Old.
28 Thursday Jul 2011
Tags
backup mascot, fandom, furries, junior college isn't real college, LARPers, make believe, shut-ins, so sad, weirdos, your mother must be very proud
It must come as a sobering realization that your life’s purpose is to outfit yourself like a junior college backup mascot.
Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.
26 Tuesday Jul 2011
Tags
bloated floater, blueberry Thai, Brown Trout!, cannabis, death by drowning, Deliverance, dope, Fall River, grass, hemp, lifeguards, Marie Joseph, marijuana, Massachusetts, police, pot, Sean Connery, stoners, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth
A Kitschy Curiosity In Your Fish Tank; An Unspeakable Horror In Your Pool.
There is something uniquely cathartic in the stories of those knuckle-dragging subhumans whose idiocy staggers belief, allowing us to bask in the knowledge that no matter how wretched we are or bereft entirely of common sense, there’s someone out there who makes us look like geniuses. For the insecure morons of the world, the news just gets better–there’s a whole town out there way stupider than you. Welcome to Fall River, Massachusetts.
They May Not Be Competent, Intelligent Or Physically Fit, But The Special Cops In The FRPD Always Try Real Hard, And That's What Counts.
It was tragic, but hardly unusual when 36-year-old Marie Joseph drowned last week at a Fall River community pool; drowning deaths claim a jillion lives each year. However, what sets the mouth-breathing folk of Fall River from rank-and-file morons is the manner in which they dealt with this unpleasant situation.
Try The Blueberry Thai: You'll See The Floating Bodies, But You Just Won't Care.
They didn’t. Joseph’s corpse floated unnoticed in the punishing summer sun for a full two days until someone realized that 48 hours is a hell of a long time to hold your breath. It’s unclear why Joseph’s death was not reported by the group with whom she came to the pool, but police caution against a rush to judgement of any kind, admitting that the people of Fall River are drooling lackwits who make the hillbillies from Deliverance seem like the 1960s Sean Connery by comparison, and that it may be some time before answers are forthcoming.
Hey Stinky--When I Say 'Marco,' You Say 'Polo,' Okay? Okay. MARCO! MARCO! Dude, Are You Sure You've Played This Before?
Still, the public should draw confidence from this ghastly event rather than worry. While it’s certainly astounding that this collection of intellectual houseplants managed to ignore a water-bloated floater for a couple days, it certainly makes the stoned lifeguards at your own community pool seem that much more competent.
The Brown Trout: Even Grosser Than A Bloated Floater.
25 Monday Jul 2011
Tags
Adolf Hitler, Austria, Belgium, don't hate us because we're ignorant, famous Austrians, Idi Amin Dada, outright lies, places that suck, pure evil, Uganda? No that's a myth. He was from Belgium.
Idi Amin: Belgium's Favorite Son Gained Renown As A First-Rate Asshole.
Most objective observers will readily agree that not only is Promethean Times one of the world’s leading outlets for critical news and hard data, but is also darn near infallible. As much as we would wish otherwise, these powers of almost deific accuracy do not extend to all of our readers. For some tragically simple members of our audience, PT can be a confusing, scary place.
Despite Winning The Talent Competition With The Help Of His Living Shadow, Belgium's Mr. Universe Representative Fared Poorly In All Other Aspects Of The Competition.
Recently, a Promethean Times exposé on the rampant iniquities of Belgium, that nefarious nation of nasty ne’er-do-wells, has inadvertently caused some international hurt feelings. At least two anonymous respondents (this anonymity is unsurprising when it is remembered that most Belgians do not have individual names, but identify one another through a complex cocktail of pheromones) allege that Promethean Times incorrectly implied internationally-despised dick Adolf Hitler had been born in Belgium. In fact, the heinous dictator hailed from Austria. It was never our intention to imply that history’s most reviled personage was of Belgian birth, and while we believe that our message was clear and straightforward, we nonetheless understand the powerful feelings evoked by this misinterpretation.
Belgian President Schml Jurgenvrk Wasted No Time In Issuing A Firm Response To Promethean Times, But It Was In Whatever Language Those People Speak--Jörg! Jörg! Jörg!--So We Just Tuned Him Out. It Was Probably Just More BS About This Year's Beet Crop. Seriously, We Don't Want To Hear One More Word About The Fucking Beet Weevil.
However, Promethean Times stands by its decision to include among Belgium’s notable figures the man who once deemed the low-lying country “my spiritual home,” calling it “full of gentle folk who share my unique appreciation for living space and abiding love for 99% of God’s creatures.” Belgians wholeheartedly requited this affection, clasping the genocidal madman to their collective breast. In 1947 Belgium demonstrated this ardor by changing the name of the nation’s capital from Wäfflesburg to Hitlertown.
Belgium: It's Around Here Somewhere.
23 Saturday Jul 2011
Tags
Amy Winehouse, Celebrity Death Watch, dead celebrities, death by old age, death by overdose, drugs, untimely deaths, Who could have seen this coming?
On The Bright Side, Nobody's Gonna Try To Make Her Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No.
22 Friday Jul 2011
Tags
Celebrity Death Watch, credulity, dead celebrities, Elvis > Michael Jackson, Elvis Aaron Presley, former child stars, future drug overdose, Jim Morrison, King of Pop, Kurt Cobain, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, pederasts, pervertry, perverts, skepticism
The line between healthy skepticism and credulity is razor-thin. Sorry, kids–Michael Jackson is dead.
The King Of Pop Is Touching Little Boys In Heaven Right Now.
Jim Morrison? Dead.
Kurt Cobain? Dead.
Lindsay Lohan? Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick . . .
Promethean Times 