The Skonk

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Culture, General Foolishness, Health, Hollywood, People, Political Correctness, Reality Television, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 4 Comments

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Abraham Lincoln, Adolf Hitler, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, Big Bird, Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bush 41, Bush 43, Colin Farrell, crabs, David Letterman, Eddie Murphy, Elmo, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Fred, George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, herpes, heterosexuality, homosexuality, J. Robert Oppenheimer, jackassery, James Bond, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Johnny Depp, Karl Marx, Keith Richards, man-skanks, man-whores, Mick Jagger, misconceptions regarding skanks, Mohandas Gandhi, Morrissey, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pat Sajak, Paul McCartney, People Magazine, Richard M. Nixon, Russell Crowe, Sherlock Holmes, skankery, skanks, Skanks in the Crosshairs, skonk, skonkery, skonks, Slick Willy, STDs, Stephen Morrissey, tabloids, Thomas Jefferson, W, whoredom, William Henry Harrison, William Jefferson Clinton, William McKinley, Woodrow Wilson, Woody Allen, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

In preparation for our upcoming multi-part investigative series on modern whoredom, Skanks In The Crosshairs, the Promethean Times Research Staff spent hundreds of man-hours reading tabloids, clipping articles from old issues of People Magazine we’d liberated from dentists’ offices, and lots of solitary time in the screening room. The benefits of this research exceeded our initially modest expectations. Immersion into the tawdry world of skandom produced a wealth of data, which when put in proper context revealed a number of generally held misconceptions regarding skanks as a whole.

Perhaps no subject in all of skandom is more misunderstood and veiled in half-truths than that of male skanks, or skonks. Ironically, almost two-thirds of the respondents in a Promethean Times survey characterized themselves as “somewhat knowledgeable” to “very knowledgeable” about skonks. A chasm exists between what is commonly known about skonks and what is believed to be known. Perhaps it is in that gulf that the skonk will reveal himself.

Johnny Depp: His Skonk Oil Is Worth Millions.

Firstly, the popular notion that skanks outnumber skonks is a complete falsehood. In fact, skonks outnumber skanks at a 2:1 ratio, even after accounting for the numerical differences between the male and female population. It is perhaps because of this very ubiquity that the media tends to focus its attention on skanks rather than skonks.

This information also debunks the myth that skonks make up only a small percentage of all males. The consensus among experts is that well over half of all men are skonks, with a majority positing of 70-85% skonk saturation. One reason this figure is so inexact is that unlike skanks who tend advertise their skankiness, a sizeable portion of skonks endeavor to keep their skonkitude hidden.

Nor are gay men immune to skonkitude. In fact, it is believed that the percentage of skonks among gay men is far higher than among the population as a whole. One expert, who places the figure somewhere around 97%, says, “It’s pretty hard to find a gay man who isn’t a skonk.”

Angel Of The Morning: Skonk Life Is Not All Sunshine And Giggles.

Some famous skonks and non-skonks:

Historical

Napoleon was a skonk; Hitler was not.

Secret Skonk: Gandhi

Great Minds

Oppenheimer wasn’t a skonk, but Einstein was.

Secret Skonk: Karl Marx

Film & Television

Colin Farrell, David Letterman, Russell Crowe, Eddie Murphy, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen and myriad more are skonks. Pat Sajak and one or two others too obscure to name are not.

Secret Skonk: None

Music

Mick Jagger is a skonk; John Lennon was not.

Keith Richards is a skonk; Paul McCartney pretends to be a skonk.

Secret Skonk: Morrissey

Presidents of the United States of America

Presidents Jefferson, FDR, Kennedy, Clinton and several others were First Skonks. Presidents Lincoln, McKinley, Wilson, Nixon, Bush (41) were not.

Barack Obama is not a skonk; George Bush (43) was a skonk in his youth, but has since reformed.

Secret Skonk: William Henry Harrison

"Damn, It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta."

Fictional Characters

James Bond is a skonk; Sherlock Holmes is not.

Elmo is a skonk; Big Bird is not.

Secret Skonk: Fred From Scooby Doo

Friends of Promethean Times

Charlie Sheen and Michael Murphy are skonks; Grigori Perelman and Rolando “Cashew Dick” Negrin are not.

The Haimster was a skonk; diminutive and dearly missed virgin Gary Coleman was not.

Secret Skonk: Kim Jong-il

"Hate The Game. Don't Hate The Praya."

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Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

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Anne Rice, Anne Rice will burn in the lake of fire alongside Galileo Galilei and Madonna Ciccone, apostate, bodice-rippers, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, conversion for publicity, crimes against humanity, even werewolves have been ruined, forgotten authors, Hags, heterosexuality, homoeroticism, homoeroticism in vampire literature, Judaism, obscure celebrities, renounces, self-satisfied, stupid shit little girls like, tween romance, Twilight, vampire fiction, vampires

By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism. This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times. You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism.

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

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'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm

By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose. See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time. Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved? Thank you so much, Mike Meyers. You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you. The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa. Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission. While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search. Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life. Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here. Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger. The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang! Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking. Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave Smaktakula may have attended one of these. As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting. Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New? Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky. We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive. It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass. Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will. Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah! A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop. While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off. The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny. Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish. There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink. Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes. You think this is easy? You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities? Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker. But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

promethean lawsuit Uh oh.

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Put Down The Crisco, Jabba!

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Duh, Food, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Political Correctness

≈ 3 Comments

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big fatso, Center for Science in Public Interest, customer of size, do-gooders, fat ass, fat people, Jabba the Hutt, McDonald's, nanny state, person of size, syphilitic monkeys, Two and a Half Men, Why am I so fat?

The Center for Science in Public Interest wants you to know that it’s okay that you’re too stupid to make nutrition choices on your own, either for yourself or your children.

That’s why the CSPI is threatening to sue McDonald’s, the world’s most popular purveyor of food-flavored edible products, unless the fast-food giant stops including toys with its popular Happy Meals.

Not Only Did McDonald's Make Him An Evil Mutant, But It May Also Have Contributed To His Little Weight Problem.

“McDonald’s is the stranger in the playground handing out candy to children,” CSPI’s litigation director, Stephen Gardner, said in a prepared statement. “It’s a creepy and predatory practice that warrants an injunction.”

Countered a McDonald’s representative:

“The toy is plastic, retard. Zero calories.

Y’know, if we really gave a fuck about the nation’s creme-filled arteries, we’d leave out the food.”

It boils down to this: You’re a syphilitic monkey too stupid to refuse poison if it’s presented to you in a nice bottle with a shiny bow.

Don’t bother thinking about it. Why don’t you watch some TV? I think Two and a Half Men is on . . .

I’ll Just Take My Fat Ass Somewhere Else: McDonald’s faces lawsuit over marketing to kids – Jun. 22, 2010.

Smaktakula

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Step Dancing Is For Everybody?–Not So Fast, White Girls

21 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Games, Music, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Sports

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

affirmative action, African-Americans, bigotry, black sorority, Brooklyn Dodgers, bullying, cultural theft, diversity, evil bigots, exclusionary policy, hypocrisy, Jackie Robinson, liberal guilt, meritocracy, political pressure, prejudice, professional race baiters, quotas, racial shakedown, racism, racist, reverse racism, Sprite, step dance, Step Off, whining, white girls, White girls. Why did it have to be white girls?, white guilt, white sorority, Zeta Tau Alpha

By Smaktakula

The women of Zeta Tau Alpha made history recently when they were awarded first-place at Step Off, a prestigious step competition hosted by Sprite. What makes this victory historic is that step dance, a synchronized dance routine typically performed by nine women, has long been exclusively an African-American tradition. Zeta Tau Alpha is a white sorority.

Critics of Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory say that this is just one of many instances in a long history of culture theft by whites. Furthermore, these critics contend that while the art form’s exposure to a wider, multi-racial audience is certainly to be desired, the potential for non-black dancers to win is not. It is an insult, they say, for a white sorority to be awarded first place.

A brief explanation of the difference between white and black sororities. White sororities, which by virtue of being white are more exclusionary, are open to women of all races, and include many African-Americans. Black sororities, in an effort to preserve diversity, are exclusively African-American.

The people who don’t want white girls in step dancing would like you to know that they are merely preserving their proud cultural heritage, and despite so many marked similarities, are not at all like the evil bigots who strove to keep Jackie Robinson out of the Major Leagues.

WWJRD?

There was a great deal of grumbling over Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory, but the judges’ decision signalled that the art form was ready to embrace diversity and celebrate its coming-of-age in the wider culture.

White Sororities Are Exclusionary

Black Sororities Promote Diversity

Despite the furor from groups who thought it wrong that a white sorority won, the judges stuck to their guns. For a week. Then they realized they’d made an unspecified scoring error of some sort and called it a tie.

Critics of merit-based solutions hailed this as “a victory for all people who value equality and fairness above talent and hard work. The squeaky wheel really does get the grease!”

Bravo, ladies.

Strike A Blow For Racial Equality By Sharing This With Facebook

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

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Americans of Singularity Descent, black holes, Black Holians, Black Leadership Scowl, celestial phenomena, civil rights, civil rights leaders, comets, crying wolf, event horizon, Hallmark Cards, It's A Celestial Thang, NAABH, NAACP, ominous, professional race baiters, Protesting Is Fun!, racism, Singlularity-Americans, singularities, Singularity Pride, supermassive is beautiful!, supermassive like me, zephyrs

The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP broke out their Black Leadership Scowls recently to protest a Hallmark Card which they call racist.

The space-themed graduation card plays an audio track which, among other things, refers to black holes as “ominous.”

Presumably, the NAACP regards the card as offensive to descendents of the supermassive space feature, who might rightly take umbrage at being labelled “ominous.”

It should also be noted that comets and zephyrs, typically considered “white” celestial phenomena, are not mentioned at all in the card’s message.

Longs For The Day When He Will Be Judged Solely By The Gravitational Pull Of His Event Horizon

Okay, Now You’re Just Being Silly: NAACP calls Hallmark graduation card racist | abc7.com.

Smaktakula

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All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

black people, disabled people, gay people, hate crime, hate crime legislation, inequality under the law, Jewish people, laws, obscure celebrities, Pauly Shore, sentencing, The Wiez, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky. Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime. Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime. For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime. Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes. As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50. Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t. Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.

When Great-Grandma Is An Anti-Semite

08 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Middle East, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Relationships, Scandal, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

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ageism, anti-semitism, Arbeit Macht Frei, comical despots, First Amendment, free speech, Helen Thomas, hypocrisy, Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, nuclear ambitions, press corps, scapegoating, senile old bag, Wir mussen die Juden ausrotten!

Helen Thomas apologized for exercising her First Amendment rights, but she’s still out of a job.

WIR MUSSEN DIE JUDEN AUSROTTEN!

Why is an idea deemed heinous when voiced by a single, senile old bag, but excused away when expressed by the leader of a country with nuclear ambitions?

I'm Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, And I Approved This Message

It’s Not Free Speech, It’s Arbeit Macht Frei Speech: FOXNews.com – Helen Thomas Apologizes for Saying Jews Should ‘Get the Hell Out of Palestine’.

Smaktakula

The Improved Order Of Red Men

01 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 2 Comments

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Baltimore, Chief Joseph, fraternal organization, Improved Order of Red Men, Indians, Maryland, Native Americans, Nez Perce, Political Correctness, racism, Red Man 1.0, unimproved red men

By Smaktakula

The Improved Order of Red Men is a fraternal organization founded in 1834 in Baltimore, Maryland.

What quality is it that separates the improved red men from their pre-improvement brethren? Mostly whiteness, as it turns out.

Red Man 1.0 (Worth More In Original Packaging)

New & Improved

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Steele Justice Comes Fast And Hard

12 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Politics, Scandal

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bondage club scandal, GOP, John Shaft, Michael Steele, Papa Don't Take No Mess, Pat Boone, Republican Party, strip club scandal, Upside Yo Head

Michael Steele takes swift and firm action on the Republican sex-club scandal that happened like two years ago or something.

2 Parts John Shaft + 1 Part Pat Boone = Michael Steele: Upside Yo Head, Punk!

Papa Don’t Take No Mess. For More Than A Few Months, Anyway: FOXNews.com – Steele Fires Finance Directors Amid ‘Bondage Club’ Scandal.

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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Category Archives: Political Correctness

The Skonk

By Smaktakula

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

By Smaktakula

Put Down The Crisco, Jabba!

Smaktakula

Step Dancing Is For Everybody?–Not So Fast, White Girls

By Smaktakula

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

Smaktakula

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

By Smaktakula

When Great-Grandma Is An Anti-Semite

Smaktakula

Steele Justice Comes Fast And Hard

Smaktakula

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