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Tag Archives: Muhammad

Headlines: No Rod Unspared

04 Monday Feb 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 36 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Axe Body Spray, Baseball, Belgium, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, California, Chicago White Sox, Colorado, Condoleezza Rice, Costa Mesa, don't hate us because we're ignorant, fun with stereotypes, Greece, headlines, Helen Keller, homeless people, homosexuality, hunger, Israel, Joe Biden, Koreans, man-boy love, Muhammad, New York Times, obesity, Orange County, pederasts, penis breakage is not funny!, Pennsylvania, racism, Sparks, Twins, Why am I so stupid?, WNBA, Wyoming

By Smaktakula

And They All Lived Happily Ever After.

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without first bothering to read the articles.

***

Ask E. Jean: My Husband is Sleeping with My Mother ~ That motherfucker!

What Is It Like To Be an Adult and Not Have Kids? ~ It’s like being a kid yourself. A kid who has sex, stays out all night doing exciting things and has lots of money.

The Makers Of Axe Now Say It Can Cure Homosexuality ~ Well, a sharp blade can cure just about anything, but is it ethical?

Poll finds fresh increase in US racism ~ Europe must really be laughing their heads off at us right now. Or they would be, anyway, if they didn’t still have seasonal race riots or if they’d ever voted a black dude to head the EU. So stick that in your stein and drink it, Fritz!

Ultimate Fighter BREAKS His Penis in Half! ~ Sorry, folks–we feel that some things are just too awful to joke about.

What Is Your Hair Color Personality? ~ Master-race. Hey–you asked.

Individually, We’re Super-Nice People. It’s Only When We Run In Packs That You Want To Start Keeping An Eye Out.

Deaf Belgian twins, 45, win right to die after losing sight ~ If you were somehow able to ask Helen Keller what she thought of these monozygotic mama’s boys, she’d probably tell you, “Aughaguh ruwurgh!”

Costa Mesa confronts homelessness head-on ~ No, really–head on. Like with a car. They really don’t care for the homeless in the OC.

Alabama woman accused of biting husband’s genitals ~ Before you judge, try to remember that ball-biting is what passes for foreplay in Alabama. Those poor folks just don’t know no better.

Some say Obama will be last African American president ~ Notably the same political sages who said in 2007 that we’d never have an African-American president in the first place.

Basic hygiene at risk in debt-stricken Greek hospitals ~ And it’s not like the Greeks have ever been as crazy about hygiene as they are about, say, man-boy love.

The 10 biggest errors in baseball history ~ Shorts on the White Sox has got to be way up there. That was just gay, and we mean that in the bad way.

Yes, It Was Worse Than That Time They Threw The World Series.

Sparks Advance in WNBA Playoffs ~ So they’re still doing that WNBA thing? Well good! Good for them!

Did the Fish Sandwich That Jay-Z Bought Zadie Smith Violate NYT Ethical Guidelines? ~ Huh. So is this how you saw your future career when you got that acceptance letter from the Columbia School of Journalism? Just curious.

It’s So Big! ~ If we had a dollar for every time we heard that….

Condi Rice Is in No Position To Lecture Anyone on Foreign Policy ~ To be fair, her position as a Stanford political science professor does put her in a pretty good position to lecture people on foreign policy with some regularity.

Boy, 7, shot to death outside Pa. gun store ~ Not just irony–shootin’ irony.

Obesity is a Bigger Problem Globally than Hunger ~ Absolutely. A self-inflicted ‘epidemic’ that kills rich first-world folks over the course of decades is no less heinous than the sight of swole-bellied children starving to death under a fly-choked sky.

The Fact That You Will Never Have To Suffer Hypertension, Diabetes, Gout Or A Host Of First-World Maladies Should Put An End To Your Sense Of Entitlement And Also Help With Your Obvious Body-Image Issues.

Pennsylvania man fails at 2 suicide attempts on interstate before work ~ HR immediately pink-slipped that two-time loser.

Perfect 10? Never Mind That. Ask Her for Her Credit Score. ~ Hold on now. Remember, you can’t hump a credit score.

Is Islam’s prophet Muhammad to have more screen time? ~ Unless Regal Entertainment Group is actively seeking a fatwa, our guess is “no.”

Hermit Crabs Adapting To Kick Neighboring Crabs Out Of Homes ~ These arthropods are more properly called ‘Slumlord Crabs.’

Army of kids drenches Biden with massive waterpower ~ This could be the Rosetta Stone of all piss-jokes, if only we could unlock it.

Taking a different view of pedophilia ~ One clergyman’s take on this contentious issue.

“Don’t Spare The Rod. Am I Right, Fellahs?”

Ask the Headhunter: ‘Are Headhunters Worth Talking To?’ ~ The headhunter says that yes, headhunters are very much worth talking to.

Colorado coed breaks ankle on Wyoming mountain, records video ~ This is hardly out of character for her–she sent out a press release when she got her first period.

Why you want to ‘eat’ cute puppies ~ Because you’re Korean and it’s a cultural thing.

’89 School Shooting Survivor: ‘It Gets Better’ ~ “In 2004 I regained the ability to move my right thumb 45 °. I’m gonna walk someday–you wait and see!”

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt Separated 8 Years Ago ~ And here we are still talking about it.

Alameda County sheriff seeks drone to fight crime ~ Is there an Alameda County in Kandahar? Otherwise this seems…we don’t know…kinda un-American?

Taliban Insurgents Learned Their Rage Through A Life Of War And Deprivation. Oakland Anarchists Came To It By Way Of The Middle Class.

Prophet’s Stint As Guest-Editor Of Humor Magazine Surprisingly Unfunny

30 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Allah, bunched panties, censorship, Charlie Hebdo, Christians, France, Islam, Jews, Muhammad, muslims, no sense of humor, Paris, religious intolerance, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, the French

By Smaktakula

Arrogant, You Knew. Dirty, You Knew. But Bravely Committed To The Ideals Of Free Speech?

It sounded like a great idea: invite Islam’s premier prophet to guest edit a French humor magazine.  The editors of French Satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had long sought to entice the Prophet Mohammed to bring his singular wit and warm sense of humor to their magazine.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors were ecstatic when Mohammed agreed to a guest editorship, but what no one could have expected was that things would quickly turn deadly.

What's Everybody Getting So Upset About? It Looks Like A Penis In A Chef's Cap. . .Oh, God--Please Don't Kill Us.

Although impossible to foresee, the Prophet’s selection proved controversial.  Charlie Hebdo’s editors expressed surprise at the outrage, claiming that Mohammed’s selection was to celebrate the victory in Tunisia by an Islamist party during the so-called ‘Arab Spring.’  Further, in a move the magazine staff was sure would delight Muslims worldwide, they decided to honor the Prophet on their cover, depicting him in cartoon saying, ‘100 lashes if you’re not dying of laughter.’

This Disturbing Image Is Insensitive To Muslims! Not That It Matters, But We Suppose It's Also Offensive To Satanic Crusaders And Filthy Jews.

Surprisingly, the Islamic community was not entirely amused.  Although known for being an easy-going and tolerant religion, some Islamists reacted to the Prophet’s guest-editor stint with uncharacteristic rage.  Charlie Hebdo received a number of threats on various social networking sites, but no one took seriously the notion that an adherent of Islam would commit violence in the name of Allah.

If You Want To Mock Christian Figures--Including Their God, Knock Yourself Out--The Worst You Need Fear Is A Stern Talking-To.

Amazingly, that’s just what happened.  Charlie Hebdo‘s Paris offices were destroyed by a petrol bomb.  Even now, weeks later, a stunned world is still trying to make sense of this.  Some so-called ‘experts’ have opined that the violence was the work of radical Muslims, who are sometimes known to be touchy about depictions of the Prophet.  Promethean Times disagrees.  Whoever the vandals are, they’re more likely to be angry Christians or Jews.  If there’s one thing we know about Muslims, it’s that they can take a joke.

"I Don't Get It."

Buzzkill Judge Ruins Awesome Saudi Kegger

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Human Rights, Islam, Middle East, People, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adult breast-feeding, Arrakis, backwater shithole, buzzkill, Footloose, Ha'il, intolerance, Islamic law, John Lithgow, lashing, Muhammad, mullahcracy, punishment, Saudi Arabia, Saudi clerics, Sharia law, town elders, wacky mullahs, Wahabi

A real-life version of the movie Footloose played out recently in Saudi Arabia.  Unlike the cinematic version, the Wahabi version did not end with the creaky town elders learning to loosen up and have a little fun once in a while.  Also, no glitter.         

Actually Much Cooler Than His Real-Life Counterpart.

In the backwater shithole of Ha’il,  fifteen men and women vowed to fight the antiseptic tedium of their earth-bound Arrakis in the only way they knew how: by throwing the biggest all-night rager in the history of the caliphate.            

Just as Lithgow & co. despised dancing, the mullahcracy took a dim view of the young Saudis’ bacchanalian revelry.  Scandalized by the thought of eleven unmarried men and four husbandless women mingling–mingling!– at a party, the town’s sense of propriety was badly bruised.  Fortunately, a judge soberly deliberated upon Islamic law, and levelled a sentence deemed appropriate by most voices in the community:              

A severe beating, followed by some contemplative time in a Saudi jail cell.           

It Pretty Much Happens Just Like This.

The court proved even more merciful on the fourth woman–a minor–who only received lashings.  A source close to the woman reported:            

“She thanks merciful God and His prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that for her great crimes, the wise mullahs sought only to beat her within an inch of her life.”             

It Was At About This Point That The Party Got Crazy.

Some human rights advocates have decried the Saudis’ punishment as unduly harsh.  While it may seem extreme by Western standards, can you imagine what would have happened if it were a human breast-milk party?            

Damn! Check Out That Hot Little Number On The Left.

Oh He Don’t Score At Bowl-O-Rama/Still You Gotta Thank His Mama: Saudi Arabia convicts 15 men, women for mingling at party – USATODAY.com.       

Smaktakula  

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