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Category Archives: Religion

Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Anne Rice, Anne Rice will burn in the lake of fire alongside Galileo Galilei and Madonna Ciccone, apostate, bodice-rippers, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, conversion for publicity, crimes against humanity, even werewolves have been ruined, forgotten authors, Hags, heterosexuality, homoeroticism, homoeroticism in vampire literature, Judaism, obscure celebrities, renounces, self-satisfied, stupid shit little girls like, tween romance, Twilight, vampire fiction, vampires

By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism. 

The Secret Origin Of Westboro Baptist’s Fred Phelps

27 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Cinema, Constitutional Issues, Culture, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

bigotry, Brokeback Mountain, closeted homosexual, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, God Hates Fags, I wish I could quit you, judge not lest ye be judged, let he who is without sin cast the first stone, Phelpsicana, religious intolerance, Reverend Fred Phelps, that asshole who demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers, Westboro Baptist Church, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula
Late August, 1951

"Jesus, Fred--What Does 'I Wish I Could Quit You' Mean, Anyway? Look, We Both Knew This Wouldn't Be Forever, Right? But What We Had, Man--It Was Real. Just Promise Me Something, Fred. Promise Me You Won't Let This Make You Bitter."

The piece of Phelpsicana included below, the Westboro Baptist Church’s earliest slogan, helps to shed light on Phelps’ bizarre devolution:

No Reason Was Given For The Slogan's Change During The Winter Of 1952. Apparently, Phelps Thought "God Hates Fags" Just Sounded Better.

Pakistanis Flogging The Little Infidel More Than Previously Thought

15 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Scandal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

aberrant sexual behavior, bestiality, camels, childish sexual innuendo, deviant behavior, donkeys, Google, Pakistan, Pakistani women, peeping cybertoms, porno movies, pornography, sex, sexual repression

According to the peeping cybertoms at Google, there’s more to Pakistan than lawless wastelands ravaged by years upon years of soul-grinding warfare.  Those proud Pashtuns are now able to call themselves the world leader in online searches involving pornographic terms.       

Pakistan is top dog in searches per-person for “horse sex” since 2004, “donkey sex” since 2007, “rape pictures” between 2004 and 2009, “rape sex” since 2004, “child sex” between 2004 and 2007 and since 2009, “animal sex” since 2004 and “dog sex” since 2005, according to Google Trends and Google Insights, features of Google that generate data based on popular search terms.       

The Pakistani Predilection For Perverse Porn Is Puzzling Given The Legendary Beauties Of Pakistan

That aberrant sexual behavior would arise within such a sexually stagnant culture comes as a surprise to some, notably the very stupid.       

That’s No Donkey–That’s My Wife.  And My Donkey: FOXNews.com – No. 1 Nation in Sexy Web Searches? Call it Pornistan.       

Smaktakula

Mullah v. Mullet

09 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Humor, Islam, Middle East, Religion, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

anti-Israel policy, anti-semitism, business up front, David Beckham, Emil Haagerdäddi, fashion police, fauxhawks, Iran, Iranian National Soccer Team, Jews, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mullahcracy, mullahs, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, odious hairstyles, party in the back, religious fanatacism, religious intolerance, soccer mullets, that trick never works, The Achy-Breaky, thuggish jackbootery, wacky mullahs

Taking a momentary respite from its real mission (an ill-defined cocktail consisting mostly of breathlessly awaiting the advent of the New Caliphate and hating the Jews), the Iranian Mullahcracy has struck a blow in the war against bad taste.  Iran has banned the mullet and other offensive Western hairstyles.

"Seriously, You Guys Should Be Thanking Me That Someone Finally Had The Courage To Say, 'Hey, You Look Like An Asshole With That Haircut.' I Mean, Geez, I Wouldn't Wish That Rat's Nest On A Filthy Jew."

Wali bin Gud, Iranian Minister of Enlightenment and Cultural Decency, had this to say:

“It is incorrect to say that we have banned offensive Western hairstyles.  Rather, as in the case of the mullet and fauxhawk, two particularly odious hairstyles, we have banned offensive hairstyles which happen to be Western.”

Some observers  were surprised to see Iran working toward the common good.  However, Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at World Think Center For World Thought, says that Iran is not as altruistic as they might appear.

“You have to remember that everybody must do their thing,”  explains the learned academian, “Get their freak on, as it were.  In this way, national bodies are no different than individuals.   Iran’s thing is, and always has been, repression.  Aside from swap-meet style rugs, thuggish jackbootery is perhaps their best-known national product.”

Festering To Bring About The Mulletocracy By Any Means Necessary, Y’All.

Reaction to the mullet ban has not been universally positive.  FIFA called it “Repression of the cruelest kind.  When you strip a man of his mullet, you strip him also of his very soul.”

Look At This Picture: How Can Hating This Douche Be Wrong?

The Iranian National Soccer Team was said to be particularly disconsolate.

Can You Do Something About Comb-Overs?  Iran bans the mullet | World news | The Guardian.

Smaktakula

This Day In History: July 8, 1994 CE

08 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Cults, History, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 1994, Big Kim, comical despots, Great Leader, heart attack, July 8, Kim Il-sung, Kim il-sung was batshit crazy, Kim Jong-il, Korean War, North Korea, Pyongyang, this day in history

Kim Il-sung, North Korea’s Great Leader and instigator of the Korean War, dies of a heart attack at 82.

With The Great Leader's Goofy Son Kim Jong-il Woefully Unqualified To Succeed His Father, Totalitarian North Korea Should Fall By 1995. 1996 At The Latest.

Buzzkill Judge Ruins Awesome Saudi Kegger

25 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Human Rights, Islam, Middle East, People, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adult breast-feeding, Arrakis, backwater shithole, buzzkill, Footloose, Ha'il, intolerance, Islamic law, John Lithgow, lashing, Muhammad, mullahcracy, punishment, Saudi Arabia, Saudi clerics, Sharia law, town elders, wacky mullahs, Wahabi

A real-life version of the movie Footloose played out recently in Saudi Arabia.  Unlike the cinematic version, the Wahabi version did not end with the creaky town elders learning to loosen up and have a little fun once in a while.  Also, no glitter.         

Actually Much Cooler Than His Real-Life Counterpart.

In the backwater shithole of Ha’il,  fifteen men and women vowed to fight the antiseptic tedium of their earth-bound Arrakis in the only way they knew how: by throwing the biggest all-night rager in the history of the caliphate.            

Just as Lithgow & co. despised dancing, the mullahcracy took a dim view of the young Saudis’ bacchanalian revelry.  Scandalized by the thought of eleven unmarried men and four husbandless women mingling–mingling!– at a party, the town’s sense of propriety was badly bruised.  Fortunately, a judge soberly deliberated upon Islamic law, and levelled a sentence deemed appropriate by most voices in the community:              

A severe beating, followed by some contemplative time in a Saudi jail cell.           

It Pretty Much Happens Just Like This.

The court proved even more merciful on the fourth woman–a minor–who only received lashings.  A source close to the woman reported:            

“She thanks merciful God and His prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that for her great crimes, the wise mullahs sought only to beat her within an inch of her life.”             

It Was At About This Point That The Party Got Crazy.

Some human rights advocates have decried the Saudis’ punishment as unduly harsh.  While it may seem extreme by Western standards, can you imagine what would have happened if it were a human breast-milk party?            

Damn! Check Out That Hot Little Number On The Left.

Oh He Don’t Score At Bowl-O-Rama/Still You Gotta Thank His Mama: Saudi Arabia convicts 15 men, women for mingling at party – USATODAY.com.       

Smaktakula  

Tell The Town Elders At Facebook All About It

People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Cults, Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, People

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

72 black-eyed virgins, batshit crazy, Brahma, clairvoyance, copper, cultists, eruption, Immaculate Conception, JZ Knight, Lemuria, lizard men, metahuman abilities, Mt. Rainier, psychokinesis, Ramtha, Ramtha's School of Enlightenment, Ramthafarians, telepathy, Vishnu, volcanic activity, wacky religions, Washington State, Yelm

By Smaktakula

Religions have long been in the business of promulgating wacky theories: the Immaculate Conception, Lord Brahma’s birth from a lotus flower grown from Vishnu’s navel, the prospect of 72 black-eyed virgins upon martyrdom.  But some religions, unwilling to be lumped in with the merely slightly bizarre rank-and-file, go the extra mile to prove they’re just a little bit crazier than the rest.  The Ramtha Cult is one of these.        

JZ Knight founded Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment in Yelm, Washington back in 1987.  Knight is lucky enough to be the host of Ramtha, a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior.        

A Howler Monkey + The Joker = JZ Knight

Knight conducts Ramtha workshops all over the world, and the church currently boasts a membership of more than 6,000 cultists.  This brain-trust believes that with Ramtha’s teachings, they will some day be able to develop fantastic super-powers such as telepathy, clairvoyance and psychokinesis, as well as other improbable metahuman abilities.        

Thinks: "Wicca Is An Equally Ridiculous, But Slightly Less Expensive Waste Of Time."

However, the Ramtha Cult is hardly the first pseudo-church to promise fantastic abilities to the most rigorous adherents.  What catapults the Ramthafarians into stratospheric-level crazy is the Sinister Secret of Mt. Rainier.        

This terrible piece of lore was lost for thousands of years, but was recovered through the valiant efforts of Ramtha, Knight and their legion of cultists.  Thanks to the lightning-fast exchange of data in the information era, this knowledge can at last be made public.        

An evil and ancient race of lizard men dwells in the dark and secret places under the earth.  These foul, carnage-driven demons would love nothing more than to go medieval on the human race.  For millenia, they have been trapped in their dark environs, festering with unconsummated rage against humanity, of which generations rose and fell, ignorant of the threat beneath their feet.        

However, Ramtha, through his prophet JZ Knight has revealed that on an unspecified but very near date, Rainier will erupt with an heretofore unknown fury, laying waste to much of the surrounding areas.  Those who die quickly will be the lucky ones.  The rest of humanity will fall victim to the lizard men’s rapine abuses.        

Yelm lies in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, and thus on the first line of defense against the reptilian onslaught.  Ramthafarians have prepared for this eventuality, however, and have lined their homes with the one substance which can drive away or conquer the ravening lizard-beasts: copper.        

Copper. Really? That's The Best You Could Come Up With?

   

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Promethean Short Short Stories: Cain’s Offering

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, Justice, Literature, Mythology, People, Promethean Short Short Stories, Relationships

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

flash fiction, guns, homicide, mandorlas, Orthodox iconography, Promethean Short Short Stories

By Smaktakula

Directed more by some entropic and unknowable inertia than by free will, Dora felt herself take two uncomprehending steps backward until her backside met the stove, which squealed briefly in protest.

The smoking gun in her right hand was spent and had become heavier somehow, as if it had swapped cold lethality for substance.  She let it fall, refusing to acknowledge either it or the spreading pool of blood spotlighting Martin like a mandorla on an Orthodox icon. 

Mama’s voice worried inside Dora’s head: Baby, did you mean to do it?

As hot, bitter tears spilled over the back of the hand clutched to her mouth, Dora answered: I don’t know.

It was God’s truth.

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Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding

10 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, Health, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

adult breast-feeding, batshit crazy, dirty pillows, lactating, Milk Mullahs, mommy issues, Oedipus Rex, Saudi clerics, wacky mullahs, WTF?

Seriously, there isn’t a thing we could do or say that would make this any more batshit crazy.

Make Sure You’re Facing East When You Do It: Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding – AOL News.

Smaktakula 

Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said To Have Proved The Existence Of God

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Europe, Mythology, People, Religion, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

brilliant dirty weirdos, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, Dr. Grigory Perelman, famous virgins, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, proof of God, proving the existence of God, Russia

Not content to rest on his laurels after conquering the Poincaré Conjecture, Promethean Times’ favorite brilliant, dirty weirdo has apparently gone all metaphyisical.  According to a pal, Grigori Perelman believes he has proven the existence of God.      

Grigori, Grigory . . . Whatever. Is All Good

This information may be suspect, however.  This same friend claims that Perelman is–get this–a virgin.        

The day a brilliant, dirty, Russian weirdo sharing a cockroach-infested apartment with his mother in Ivanhoe, Siberia can’t get laid is the day the sun rises in the west.  Of course, stranger things have happened.      

Is True.  I Am Crazy Bastard Who Proved God Exists.  You Read: Grigory Perelman Uncertain if He Should Be Rewarded for Proving Existence of God – Pravda.Ru.

Smaktakula
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