Tag Archives: stupid people

All We Want For Christmas

24 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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From The Promethean Times‘ Staff

If We Could Be Greedy And Ask For A Second Thing, It Would Be To Eliminate The Kind Of Useless Crap Store Where You Might Purchase A Card Such As This.

It’s not any sweater, stereo, gadget, gizmo, geegaw, doodad or accoutrement.

It’s not cash or gift cards.

It certainly isn’t world peace.

Our sole and fervent wish this December 25th is a simple one:  What we want is to extract a promise from nature, that no matter how badly our lives turn out, we’ll never, ever become this guy:

"Hey Ladies--Got Any German In Ya?"

Helping The Stupid. Gently.

23 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.

Stupidity never seems to go out of style.  Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of  inanity.  But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits.  Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are.  Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.

Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes.  Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place.  These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.

Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy.  It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem.  By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.

"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.

Executing the Method:

When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”

The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What?  That wasn’t what I said!”

Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”

Try it.  You’ll be making the world a better place.

Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.

Great Moments In American Diplomacy: Fooling Ivan

08 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by in History

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In A Moment Of Patriotic Selflessness, Gerald Ford Declares During The 1976 Presidential Debate That "There Is No Soviet Domination Of Eastern Europe." This Moment Of Feigned Incompetence Handed Carter The Presidency, But Lured Moscow Into A False Sense Of Complacency Which Ultimately Led To The Fall Of Soviet Communism, Ensconcing The Accidental President Among Such Renowned Chief Executives As Chester A. Arthur, William Henry Harrison and Franklin Pierce.

Fan Mail From MiLo

01 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture

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A Very Special Message From The Promethean Times Staff

We've Got Mail! YAAAAAAAY!

We enjoy receiving comments and email from our readers.  We’re glad that we made you laugh or think, and we really do appreciate your kind words.

However, readers may be shocked to know that not all the feedback we receive is positive.  Sometimes, someone will disagree with something he or she reads in  Promethean Times, and takes the time to tell us about it.  It goes without saying that these people are evil, and quite possibly child-molesters–but we do listen to what they have to say.

Of one post, a reader observed, “It’s just too good a laugh to let facts get in the way.”  Another asked, “It’s easy to be part of the journalism problem by only focusing on things that damn people rather than the full story — isn’t it?”

Michael Lohan Is Apparently More Committed To Biblical Scholarship Than To Standardized Spelling.

We have been called right-wing, left-wing, anti-poor, anti-catholic, small-minded, deliberately misleading and a few other charges that are at best half-truths.  Nonetheless, we appreciate these comments, too. They may be way off-base, but at least somebody’s reading.

Recently, Promethean Times was honored to receive fan mail from an honest-to-goodness Hollywood celebrity.  We have worked diligently to cultivate a persona of jaded cynicism, but it’s hard to do anything but stand up and take notice when an entertainment personality the caliber of Michael “MiLo” Lohan sends a fan letter.

If We Could Just Get Octomom In This Picture, The Freakshow Troika Would Be Complete.

Upon reading our whimsical piece, Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad, Mike posted a comment to let us know he was profoundly moved by what we had written, and was kind enough to share some Scripture.  Here’s Mike’s comment in its entirety:

With a heart as dark and evil as yours , you will burn in hell if you dont change. Judge not, lest you shall be judged. And Do unto others as would have them do unto you. Did you ever hear those proverbial wordss?
If not, which it appears you haven’t, learn them

Wow.  Thanks a lot, Mike–we really appreciate it.  PT is a labor of love, and we’re warmed by the knowledge that a big-name star like yourself might inadvertently stumble across us while compulsively googling his own name.

"I'm Michael Lohan, And I Approved This Message."

Come back & see us soon, Mike!

And you too.

Jenny McCarthy: All Growed Up

22 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

MILFy autism activist Jenny McCarthy is growing as a person.  After her five-year relationship with tiresome Canadian import Jim Carrey ended, McCarthy found a new love and a new way of looking at life.

Although She Will Miss The Glamor Of Dating A B-Lister, McCarthy Is No Doubt Relieved To Now Have Only One Mentally Disabled Child Under Her Roof.

By her own admission, McCarthy has spent most of her 37 years as something akin to a mindless automaton, a virtual slave to the whims of others.  But now McCarthy is learning the assertiveness which most human beings over the age of three take for granted.

Gushes the talentless pair of boobs to People Magazine:

“If he wants Chinese [food]* and I don’t, I say it,” she says. “If he wants to go out and I want to stay in and watch Dancing with the Stars, I tell him so.

Although McCarthy is not satisfied with her progress, she intends to take it slow.  “Roman wasn’t built in a day,” she says.  After the hiatus–which she says will be brief–McCarthy intends to do something about her woefully inadequate sixth grade education.

"HURRRRR!"

*This helpful clarification was apparently intended to prevent People readers from taking McCarthy’s comment to be an endorsement of Sino-cannibalism. Promethean Times does not support race-based cannibalism of any kind.

 

Boy, Is My Face Red!

17 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by in Crime, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Basket case Bethany Storro came to the public’s attention last week when she claimed to be the victim of a shocking assault.  The 28-year old Vancouver, Wa. resident said that a mysterious assailant threw acid in her face.   

Authorities initially believed Storro, since she did not claim her assailant was the “mysterious black man” of so many fake assaults.  She threw a curveball to police when she suggested that her attacker was a mysterious black woman!   

Despite Her Injuries, Storro Attempts To Lead A Normal Life.

Storro’s clever, race-baiting mendacity notwithstanding, the police eventually grew suspicious.  After repeated questioning, the woman admitted that she had doused acid on her own face, necessitating surgery.   

A police representative said that all things considered, Storro was actually very fortunate.  “For Bethany to have survived for twenty-eight years now is really something special, especially given what a complete and utter moron she is. ”  

Splashing Yourself In The Face With Acid As A Ploy For Attention May Seem Like A Good Idea, But In Many Instances It Is Not.

Everything Suddenly Coming Up Promethean Times

02 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Music, National Events, People, Relationships, Television

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A Very Special Message From Smaktakula

Much like human papillomavirus in America’s high schools, Promethean Times is pretty hard to avoid these days.                            

Thanks, Formerly Promising 90's Alternative Icon And Cataclysmically-Retarded, Silicone-Infused Temporary Wife! We're Excited Too!

Find Promethean Times At                             

WWW.PROMETHEANTIMES.COM                               

For our elderly or intellectually disinclined readers:  Don’t get excited; the old address will still take you where you want to go.                               

Join the Promethean Cadre on Facebook.                              

Not telling your Facebook friends about Promethean Times is tantamount to admitting you don’t really have any friends.                              

                       

Now that Promethean Times tweets, Twitter is culturally relevant.  Follow Promethean Times on Twitter.             

The cruel remark about not having any friends if you don’t spread the Promethean Gospel applies to Twitter as well, in the unlikely event that there remained any lingering ambiguity.                              

  

"GLEEBUL FUM! Promethean Times. HUURRR..."

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