By Smaktakula

Seriously–How Did We Make It This Far?

Natural selection is the process by which external forces eliminate nature’s weaker elements, leaving a more genetically advantageous stock to breed. This phenomenon is experienced throughout the animal kingdom, not only by simple creatures like sea anemones, butterflies and Romanians, but by Homo sapiens as well.

Lisa Ling: In Another Age She Would Have Been Eaten By Wolves As A Child.

In days of yore, individuals with desirable qualities reaped the rewards of society, and had awesome sex with one another. Likewise, the cretinous ticks lining society’s blighted underbelly, afflicted with undesirable qualities like shortness, endured poor and miserable lives, forced to seek their pleasure with other undesirables, or as was frequently the case, with themselves. Throughout the long march of human history, a steady refinement in the species permitted quantum jumps in our development in the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries.

“So Tell Me Again What Happens If I Pour This Scalding Hot Liquid Directly Onto My Crotch.”

Humanity made the world its bitch; no river was so vast that we could not dam it, no peak too great to scale, no creature we could not slaughter. Humanity learned and adapted; yesterday’s pernicious scourge became tomorrow’s quaint historical curiosity–just ask smallpox. In humanity’s golden age, those who might in the past have died at birth grew up to live happy, productive lives, free of many of the day-to-day woes of generations past. The species has reached a stage in its development where it strives for comfort, rather than simply to survive. No longer is our survival dependent upon continuously adapting to an ever-changing world; the world must now adapt to us.

There’s Never Been A Better Time To Break In Your Seal-Shaped Surfboard.

However, it is impossible to pick up one end of a stick without also picking up the other, and likewise, humanity’s circumvention of natural selection brings with it attendant consequences. No longer is it the sole domain of the fit to survive; the unfit may also live.  More than that, the unfit may thrive. For every Stephen Hawking, whose marvellous brain and groovy voice are a fair trade for efforts in keeping alive a man God clearly intended to die, there are scores of able-bodied half-wits who would have walked in front of a subway train years ago  if not for the numerous and strategically placed signs and bright red lines to discourage such action.

Every Box Of Yummy Mort Aux Rats Breakfast Cereal Comes With A Free Rat Carcass!

Given the rapid dilution of quality throughout the civilized world, the globe’s great nations have become sluggish and saturated with nincompoopery. This phenomenon is evidenced in the United States’ predilection for professional “wrestling,” Japan’s love of bizarre porn, and the mere existence of Belgium. Already the slack-jawed halfwits are out-breeding intellectuals by a ratio of 46:1. Having already taken most public-sector jobs, it is only a matter of time before the cataclysmically stupid saturate all areas of the workforce.

A Warning That Exposure To This “Program” Can Lead To The Onset Of Cretinous Boobery Is Too Little, Too Late.

Make no mistake–this societal devolution delights the Evil Ones. The enemies of all that is righteous and good would like nothing better than to see the West expose its soft flank. Al-Qaeda, for instance,  has repeatedly demonstrated a  nearly superhuman patience; it will be no great thing for such shadowy organizations to lie in wait until the society is too enfeebled to resist an attack.

Heh. ‘Gap.’ Don’t Tell Us It Doesn’t Make You Think…Okay, Maybe It’s Just Us.

The solution is clear. It is paramount that governments not only do away with these society-enfeebling warning labels, but also that they take specific action to reverse the damage that has already been done.  Rather than label electronic devices “Unsafe in Water,” manufacturers would serve the public interest by tagging them as bath toys.  Zookeepers could do their part by not harassing visitors who wish to pet the Siberian tiger. Our sad march to Moronville will not be stopped until every box of Comet toilet cleanser proudly proclaims ‘Tastes Great On Salad!”

“Guys, I Cannot Stress This Enough: Super-Glue Is NOT For Eating.”