SI Swimsuit Issue Quickly Fading Into Irrelevance

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By Smaktakula

Neither prurient nor  graphic enough to qualify as porn, and lacking all but the most tenuous connection with the world of sports (and that limited to water-skiing and beach volleyball), the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now most likely to find a home beneath the mattresses of lonely pubescent boys too inept to successfully navigate the internet.

Sorry, But When A Six-Year-Old With A Computer Can See As Much In An Hour On The Internet As A Busy OB/GYN Does In A Week, There's No Longer Any Place For This Quaint Bit Of Americana.

“Iron” Moshe Tyson

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By Smaktakula

Wait A Moment, Michael. Ask Yourself, "Does This Meal Meet With The Standards Of Kashrut?"

Terrifying former pugilist “Iron” Mike Tyson has a reputation for being difficult.  However, in this instance the seething bag of resentment has made work easy for Promethean Times.  He hasn’t just set the ball, but spiked the damn thing as well.  Observe:

Mike Tyson, who has recently declared himself a vegan, plans to open a chain of kosher/vegan restaurants.

"I Very Much Regret Thaying I Wanted To Eat Lennox Lewith's Children. Even If They Had Been Prepared In Accordanth Wiff The Law, They Would Motht Likely Thtill Be Treif, And Thuth Ritually Unclean."

“I have a little dreibel, I make it out of clay, when ith dry and ready, wiff dreibel I thall play…”
“Mike?  Mike?”
“What?  Why’d you thtop me?”
“It’s ‘dreidel,’ Mike.  Dreidel with a ‘D.'”
“Thath what I thaid!”
“Oh, sorry.  I thought you said . . . never mind, Mike–let’s try it again.”
“You know, you’re really thtarting to upthet me.”

This Day In History: February 14, 1989 CE

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On which douchey theocrat Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini vociferously expresses his displeasure with Salman Rushdie‘s The Satanic Verses. The tactic proves so popular that it remains the Islamic community’s preferred method to redress grievances both real and imagined.

"Okay, First Of All, I'd Like To Thank Everybody For Coming. I Know You All Had To Take Time Out Of Your Busy Lives, But It's Great You Could Be Here. A Couple Of Special Mentions Before I Forget: Thanks To Faisal And Mohammad For Donating The Envelopes. Also, Everybody Remember To Thank Ibrahim's Boss For Letting Us Use The Stamp Machine. Okay, Let's Get Down To Business: Remember, When Writing The Publisher To Express Your Hurt Feelings, Be Firm But Polite. After All, We Don't Want To Sound Like A Bunch Of Crazies, Am I Right, Guys?"

We, the public, are easily, lethally offended.  We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right.  We value very little more highly than our rage, which gives us, in our opinion, the moral high ground.  From this high ground we can shoot down at our enemies and inflict heavy fatalities.  We take pride in our short fuses.  Our anger elevates, transcends.
Salman Rushdie

This Day In History: February 14, 1929 CE

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On which a group of Chicago’s North Side Gang members are each given a most unwelcome valentine in the form of a bullet to the brain.  Gang leader Bugs Moran narrowly manages to avoid the slaughter.

Different Guy Entirely. Salvatore "Bugs" Bunnicci Rose To Lead The Fudd Gang After Gang Leader Elmer Was Found Dead, His Mouth Stuffed With His Own Testicles And The Words 'WABBIT SEASON' Carved Into His Chest With A Vegetable Of Some Kind.

Although no convictions would result from what would quickly come to be known as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, evidence then, as now, points to an Italian-American businessman, Alphonse Gabriel Capone.

"But I Was In Florida, See? Myah! Ya Got Nothin' On Me Copper--Nothin'! Myah! Myah!"

Happy Valentine’s Day

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By Smaktakula

It’s Valentine’s Day.  If you’re not spending money on your valentine, you’re not showing your love.

If you don’t have a valentine, there’s something wrong with you.

Because Love Isn't Free.

Brought to you by your friends at Hallmark Cards.  We’ve been making you feel inadequate for 100 years.

Stand Tall, Mississippi!

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By Smaktakula

Unlike Despotic North Korea, Mississippi Has Long Been A Bastion Of Liberty And Complete Equality For All People.

Although impoverished third-world hellhole North Korea and impoverished first-world hellhole Mississippi are roughly the same size, have similar literacy rates and offer an almost identical standard of living, the Southern US state has an edge over the isolated Asian regime: North Korea has yet to produce either an Elvis or a Faulkner.

"He Knew Then--Just As He Had Always Known But Drew From His Ignorance (Or His Supposed Ignorance Or Rather His Imposed Ignorance, Because It Was A Thing Which He Had Taken Upon Himself, Glad In The Lethe-Like Completeness Of Its Abnegation And Erasure) That Sustenance With Which The Ignorant, Or Perhaps Just The Apparently Ignorant, Seem To Subsist, Growing No Fatter Nor Leaner For It--That His Home Country With Its Dusty Roads Trod Firm By The Eternal Unyielding Drum Of Bare Feet On That Blood-Earned Earth, Themselves Beset By Hookworm Or A Dozen Other Rots And Blights For Which They Did Not Know The Name Or Even That A Name For The Thing Should Exist At All, The Sweating September Pines Whispering The True History Of The Place, The One Not Man Nor Woman Nor Child, Negro Nor Caucasian, Youth Nor Town Father, Would Dare Or Even Think To Give Voice But Knew As Well As Anyone Else, And With A Thousand Other Afflictions Besides Was Still His Home Country After All, And He No More Divisible From It Than Red From A Ruby, And That He Could Feel About It However He Wished But That It Loved Him Still And Whether He Knew It (And He Did Know It; Had Known It Like The Other Thing) Or Cared To Admit It Anyway Would Draw Him Like The Moths Which In His Youth Danced About the Oil Lamps At The Hunting Camp Until They, Like He, Would Almost Against Their Will Be Plunged Into It And There Finally Be Settled Alongside His Progenitors, Hated And Beloved Both, At Long Last Making Literal His Heretofore Symbolic Bond To The Land; Knowing This, He Said, 'SCREW Y'ALL, NORTH KOREA! Y'ALL KIN KISS MAH REBEL ASS!'"

"Pyongyang? Huh. Whuddaya Spose That Is, Fellas? The Chinese Word For Ladyparts?"

“Ha! Ladyparts!  Good one, E!”

Charlie Got No Teefuses!

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By Smaktakula

Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.

Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes.  However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.

Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?

This  comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge.  Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera.  However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.

Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"

Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass.  According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.”  Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.

So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .

If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed.  It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival.  The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.

Shane MacGowan

"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."

Grand Theft LiLo

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By Smaktakula

Isn't This The Chick Who Accosted Us Outside Of 7-11 And Wouldn't Shut Up About Her "Tweaker Piece Of Shit Baby Daddy" Until We Gave Her A Quarter?

The date for Lindsay Lohan’s final, pathetic implosion remains unknown, but draws inexorably closer.  Throughout her short life, the Flower of American Skankhood has faced a number of legal difficulties both domestically and abroad, but can now add a new charge to her growing rap sheet: grand theft.

LiLo is accused of boosting a $2,500 necklace from a California Jewelry store in January, less than a month after ending her most recent rehab stay.  Although the sticky-fingered celebriskank had not heretofore been charged with theft, she is suspected in several recent clothing-related heists.

Having snorted the bulk of her dwindling resources, Lohan may not be able to enlist the services of a top-flight lawyer, and it’s unlikely that she’ll receive a helping hand from Hollywood with her star so rapidly on the wane.  However, some LiLophiles see a silver lining in the event that Lohan is compelled to do jail time.  Every day that the drug-addled has-been spends behind bars is another day that she cheats the untimely and degrading death which awaits her.

Unlike Marilyn Monroe, LiLo Lacks Talent And Has Never Banged A President. Although One Of Those Is Within Lindsay's Reach, Bill Clinton Will Never Be Able To Make Her Talented.

PajamaJeans: You Just Don’t Care Anymore

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By Smaktakula

The fashion world welcomes an exciting new addition to the As Seen On TV menagerie: PajamaJeans.  Blending the muumuu-like luxury of pajamas with the I-Have-A-Job assertiveness of jeans, PajamaJeans lend a touch of MILFy mystique to dowdy homemakers.

Pajama Jeans: The Sassy, Sexy Way To Tell The World That You've Stopped Trying.

Because it’s 6:45 AM somewhere.

“Now with 30% more gunt support!”

Rumors We Wish Were True: Mr. Rogers

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By Smaktakula

It makes us no happier to know that the lamentably deceased children’s entertainer Fred “Mr.” Rogers didn’t actually spend his youth as a remorseless special forces operative, forcing him to wear long-sleeved sweaters later in life to hide the tattoos.

"You'd Like To Be A Good Neighbor, Wouldn't You? Sure You Would, And We Know That Good Neighbors Don't Keep Secrets. They Don't, Do They? Good. So, We're Just Going To Remove The Ball Gag And Give You A Chance To Be A Good Neighbor. A Good Neighbor Dies Quickly And With Little Pain."

Damn you, Snopes.com.  You live to destroy dreams.

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.  Kind of a shame you won’t see another.”