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Tag Archives: dreadlocks

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, News

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By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

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Convincing Black Men To Stop Straightening Their Hair

01 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Seriously--Is There Anyone Who Thinks This Looks Good?

Look, this is America–really, you can wear your hair any way you want.  However, in our ongoing battle against follicular douchebaggery, Promethean Times has previously inveighed against such stylistic travesties as the mullet, the fauxhawk and dreadlocks on blond guys.  Today, we make a special appeal to black guys across the world: Please don’t straighten your hair.

We’re Just Talking About Dudes. Don’t Change A Thing.

In the very early days of the Civil Rights movement, it was briefly fashionable for African-American men to straighten their hair.  However, with the development and solidification of a black racial consciousness, natural hair began to make a comeback, and straight hair began to become a rarity among black men.

A Helpful Abstraction.

However, in 2011 there are still a handful of professions where straightened hair is the norm for African-Americans.  Chief among these are preacher, pimp and some combination of the two.

"I FEEL GOOD!" He Looks Good, Too. When You're A Sex Mo-Sheen, You Can Be The Exception To The Rule.

Some quick DOs & DON’Ts:

DON'T!

DON'T!

DON'T!

You're Fine, Ma'am. Sorry To Have Bothered You.

Not What You Were Looking Four?

07 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People

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By Smaktakula

Well what did you think we were gonna call it?  Not what you were looking for four? Imbecile.

Newer readers who are unfamiliar with our “Not What You Were Looking For?” series may wish to review our first three fabulous installments:

promethan times Wrong!

world’s worst latin mullet; russian mullet No one wins when the M Virus spreads.  At least Iran has taken precautions.

hiroshima august 6 2010 Nothing happened on that date. But 65 years earlier, the place was smokin’!

ohn and lorena bobbit Looks like that dick got sliced again.

drunk irishman shit self We’ll agree that No Line On The Horizon wasn’t U2’s finest effort.

ramtha crazy; ramtha full of shit Well which is it?

grigori perelman god proof No one is God proof–not even that crazy bastard.

bulls goring mouth Bulls gore with their horns.  They bite with their mouths.  Now you know.

sad “richard simmons” Sad?  But we thought gay was a synonym for ‘happy’?

smoking marijuana wisely It can’t be done.  Have you seen how those people dress?

promathan times Wrong!

penis fact 1952 Fact: The penis wasn’t even invented until 1955.

real garlfield cat We’re sorry that it falls upon us to tell you this, but we think you should know that Garfield isn’t real.  That’s right, he’s a cartoon character.  Douche.

live aid Live Aid did a lot of good for a lot of people.  Also, Freddy Mercury was a beloved performer who helped to put a human face to AIDS.

justin bieber sexy You’ll recall that we wished ill upon the hairless hit factory.  For sexy JB, this is more your bag.

lazy bastards on unemployment Now you’re just trying to stir up trouble.

hippie elderly people Sadly it’s true: the Baby Boomers are retiring.  They look forward to travel, spending time with their grandchildren, and self-indulgently sucking dry the nation’s financial marrow.

do dread make your head big In some instances it do.  If you blond, it make your head stupid.

pictures of black actor died Haven’t we already been through this?

how many californians smoke marijuana Too many of them.

prerry herd Is that dirty?  It sounds dirty.

saudi punishment The punishment is that the senior class won’t have a dance this year.  And they’ll all be flogged.

michael steele douchebaggery It was incompetent boobery, actually.

guy fieri pirate With that hair, we can definitely see it.  Or do you mean like a buccaneer-type pirate?

great moments in american diplomacy Here, Here and Here.

bull cow smiling Don’t trust that hermaphroditic bovine.

july 14, 1789 a.d. paris It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  Feel free to start a novel with that line.

captain sullenberger wife beater Captain Sullenberger’s wife: backtalker.

author renounces catholicism And nobody noticed.

divorced happy photos We’re guessing you spend a great deal of time huddled in a corner, weeping.

commercials we hate olive garden That’s so weird–we hate those commercials, too!  Also Bush’s Original Baked Beans.

david arquette tats You’ll wish you hadn’t.  Sooner rather than later.

cast of mom and dad save the world It Features Jon Lovitz, Teri Garr, Kathy Ireland and the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard rendered into flesh and blood, Wallace Shawn.  Also this dangerous child molester.

mexican marijuana A lot like domestic marijuana except it works harder and costs less.

promethean times Right!

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by in Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Race, Relationships

≈ 13 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Race has always been a contentious topic, never more so than in today’s overcharged, media-driven fishbowl.  Issues of cultural heritage are similarly sensitive.  A longstanding and often-fiery debate continues over the question of whether the cultural properties of a race are best kept within the purview of that specific culture, or whether these formerly cultural properties be adopted by the greater culture at large to reach their full significance, thereby risking dilution.

If You Find Yourself Asking, "Why Do Dreadlocks Look Great On This Guy, But Make Me Look Like An Asshole?", Take A Few Deep Breaths And Do Your Best Not To Swallow Your Own Tongue. Promethean Times Is Here To Help.

There are no easy answers to this question, and we will not attempt any here.  Instead, can we all agree right now that blond guys need to stop wearing their hair in dreadlocks?

It Should Not Be. How Can A Loving God Let This Happen?

Promethean Times fails to see the appeal in going through life with a filthy piece of macramé clinging to your scalp.  It would appear that nature agrees with our dim assessment of the hairstyle’s aesthetic value, based on the dubious quality of the soupy pool from which these bipedal lhasa apsos are forced to choose their mates.  There are certainly more hygienic ways to attract a mate, and lacking a hairstyle that readily identifies you as a douchebag greatly increases your potential to perform intercourse with a partner who has both an established pattern of bathing and at least a nodding acquaintance with a razor.

At Least These Two Aren't Spreading Their Aberrant Chromosomes Among The Normals.

There is a danger here more insidious than simply looking like a dickhead.  Although cultural watchdogs are particularly vigilant against cultural theft, no one is guarding against the danger that more insipid elements of white culture will find their way into black culture.  Witness this disturbing back-door attempt to introduce the mullet into Rastafarian culture:

Curiously, Smaktakula Feels In No Way Hypocritical In Wanting To Beat This Punk's Lily-White Ass.

No blond man, no matter how good-looking, has ever been anything other than a pitiable clown buried under a snarl of dreads.  Anyone who thinks that he might be the blond Philosopher’s Stone, gifted with the miraculous ability to transform shit into chic, is dangerously deluded.  Unfortunately, until these misguided souls accept that cool-looking dreadlocks are forever denied them,* the rest of us will have to suffer these flesh-and-blood Raggedy Andys.

*And you can forget about not looking like an asshole while fast-dancing.