05 Thursday Jul 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment
Tags
drugs, exotic dancers, meth mouth, methamphetamine, sex with leather, skanks, strippers, things which are not at all sexy, titty bars, women of easy virtue, you got a real purty mouth
It’s like being a kid in a great big candy store, only you have no money. That, and all the candy is made out of methamphetamine and soiled Kleenex.
Lola Possesses All The Carnal Charm Of A Fluid-Spattered Scrap Of Burlap That You Don’t Actually Get To Have Sex With.
07 Thursday Jun 2012
Posted in Culture, Entertainment, Stupidity
Tags
consequences, Girl Next Door, hooker with a heart of gold, insurance professionals, it's a cold sore!, Lake Havasu, Progressive Flo, Progressive Insurance, Spring Break, the crabs, VD, women of easy virtue
We get it–she’s a kooky-but-sexy, hard-partying minx with just a hint of the Girl Next Door, a kind-hearted, wise-cracking goodtimes gal who is equal parts insurance professional, therapist and naughty nurse. But seriously, could Progressive have found a spokesperson who looks any more like the chick who gave you the crabs that one time during Spring Break at Lake Havasu?
“At First You Think The Itch Will Drive You Crazy. But I Guess You Get Used To Anything After A While.”
06 Tuesday Mar 2012
Tags
1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue
Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.
Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.
The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!
‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.
Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?
Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.
When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.
Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?
Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.
Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.
OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!
So Very Brave.
“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.
One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.
Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.
Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.
Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’
Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.
Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.
Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!
Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.
O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?
Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.
San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.
Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.
TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.
Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!
Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!
I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.
20 Monday Feb 2012
Tags
CDC, Centers for Disease Control, harlots, hooker with the heart of gold, hussies, organ donors, prostitution, Ron Jeremy, skanks, skonks, sluts, STDs are no laughing matter!, tramps, transplants, women of easy virtue
Ironically, You Can Only Donate Life If You Haven't Had Much Of One Yourself.
It’s easy to forget the impact that organ transplants have had on society. Medical science has advanced to such a degree that it now seems routine to cut the organs from a dying man or woman and transplant them into the body of a patient who, without the procedure, would otherwise die. There are thousands of people today who owe their very lives to men and women whose names they will never know.
Despite the dizzying progress of our science, human behavior has yet to make the same quantum leap. Because increasingly fewer people are opting to become organ donors, the demand for transplants far outpaces the availability of suitable organs.
The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold. It's A Very Serious Medical Condition.
If a Centers for Disease Control recommendation is implemented, quality organs will become even more rare. The venerable health organization takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure that only the pinkest, healthiest organs get sewn into recipients. To meet this end,the CDC has devised several screening methods to weed out potential undesirables and plague-carriers. Relying heavily on statistics, the organization has identified several high-risk groups, such as convicts, whose members are barred from organ donation. However, in a move sure to stoke the ire of pro-skank activists around the globe, the CDC has issued recommendations barring persons of a slutty nature from donating organs.
Sadly, Ron Jeremy Will Most Likely Not Be Allowed To Donate, And His Magnificent Organ Will Die With Him.
15 Wednesday Feb 2012
Tags
double standards, George Carlin, hookers, hypocrisy, ladies of the evening, Paris Hilton, prostitution, rape, rent boys, sex, women of convenience, women of easy virtue, world's oldest profession
She Works Hard For The Money.
Why should prostitution be illegal? Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal?
George Carlin
Prostitution remains illegal throughout most of the world. Despite the hypocrisy inherent in being forbidden to sell what you can give away for nothing, antiquated morality keeps the industry underground. This in turn creates a host of problems for the prostitute, making her not only a criminal, but perpetuating the dangerous cycle of abuse and drug-addiction so common throughout the industry.
Professional Ladies Come In All Shapes And Sizes.
Attitudes are finally changing, however. One indicator of increasing support for legalized prostitution has been the rebranding of the industry. Long known as prostitutes, hookers and in vulgar circles, whores, these plucky gals¹ are now known as sex-industry workers.
You Know, When You Call It That, You Take A Lot Of The Fun Out Of It.
A further way in which attitudes have demonstratively changed is in our treatment of the women themselves. Long regarded as ‘unfortunates,’ something perhaps more than animal but less than human, and completely unable to make decisions for themselves, members of the world’s oldest non-farming profession are increasingly being seen as human beings with the accordant dignity and rights such status implies.
You're No Great Beauty, It's True--But Don't Sell Yourself Short. You Saw The Heifer Two Images Back, Right?
Only a few years ago, a sex worker who was brave enough to report being sexually assaulted would probably receive more humiliation than help from the police, and likely never see justice. Today, her assailant would be charged with rape. This is tremendous progress, but still falls short of justice, failing to recognize the complex entity a sex-worker represents. As she is an individual with rights, charging her attacker with rape is entirely appropriate. However, the sex worker is also a business entity, for which reason the unlucky rapist should additionally be charged with theft.²
Not A Prostitute Per Se, But Still Very Much A Whore.
Promethean Times 