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Tag Archives: Lady Gaga

Headlines: In Fact, Yes We Did

10 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Music, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 33 Comments

Tags

Alabama, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, cannabis, China, cocaine, coke, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, Ellen DeGeneres, fun with stereotypes, gay people, has-beens, headlines, hemp, HIV, India, Kirstie Alley, Lady Gaga, leukemia, marijuana, Mark Hamill, merry widows, Nazis, NFL, Pakistan, Pittsburgh Pirates, places that suck, pot, prostitution, reefer, Rolling Stones, Space Shuttle Endeavour, sweet sweet cheeba, weed

By Smaktakula

“Yes, Bonnie–Mr. Clinton Is Aware Of Your Article. But The Former President Is A Very Busy Man, And We All Think It’s Best If Maybe You Don’t Call Any More.”

In which we comment on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the articles.

***

Are You Coddling Your Grandkids? ~ If you’re not, then you’re a lousy fucking grandparent.

Survey: Chinese Opinions of Obama, U.S. Slipping ~ That’s got to be paraphrased. We challenge you to find a Chinese person who can correctly pronounce the English word ‘slipping.’

Fighting Boredom, Not the Nazis ~ Sure–it’s a lot less lethal for one thing.

India Is Becoming Pakistan ~ Do you mean that India is only pretending to be a US ally and that portions of its intelligence service are actively working to thwart Western aims? Or did you just mean that it’s crowded and smelly? Because that’s not news.

Why I Married a Black Woman ~ It’s a pretty safe bet that anything we come up with will be countered with a swift and unequivocal “OH NO YOU DI’NT!”

But We Didn’t Say Anything! We Just . . . Aw, We’re Fucked, Aren’t We?

Can Robots Bring Manufacturing Jobs Back? ~ For robots, yes.

Men who weren’t strong as boys are more likely to die young as adults: study ~ So weaker specimens are less likely to survive into adulthood? Has anyone told Charles Darwin about this?

HIV helps put girl’s leukemia in remission ~ Hooray?

NFL retirees more likely to have depression and cognitive problems, brain study … ~ And it’s not because they were sad, boring turds to start out with?

Learn Why Her Husband’s Death Convinced Linda to Retire Early ~ Because the sudden loss at last brought home to her the beautiful fragility of every human life, and taught Linda that to truly be alive, one must truly live. That and the massive insurance payout.

Which Is Why We Refuse To Buy Life Insurance. Our Loved Ones Shouldn’t Be Subjected To That Kind Of Temptation.

Humans Said Cheese 7500 Years Ago ~ According to Dictionary.com, the word appeared sometime around 1000 CE, so somebody’s lying.

Delayed 911 response a matter of geography and jurisdictions ~ Meaning, if you live in the ‘hood, better put some ice on that. It might take a while.

Prosecutors: Redmond man caught on tape raping dogs ~ The perp claims that the sex was consensual, and that when he asked the bitch how she liked it, she said ‘rough.’

Call Girl Culture: High-priced prostitution one of Hollywood’s dirty little secrets ~ Well, that may be news in Mayberry, Sheriff Andy, but it’s hardly a secret to folks who grew up wearing shoes.

Former Pirates owner tells Times he’s gay ~ As if hanging with all those pirates hadn’t clued us in a long time ago.

Even The Cast Of GLEE Playing Tetherball With The Teletubbies While Belting Out Showtunes On The Back Of A Pink Unicorn That’s Prancing Around A Maypole Couldn’t Outgay This Pirate Queen.

Alabama man fights to keep wife buried in front yard ~ Boy howdy! Does he EVER. But that no-good hound-dog of his won’t stop digging up Amy-LaVonne’s corpse and re-burying it down by the crick.

Ellen Degeneres Speaks Out Against “That Time of the Month” Jokes ~ Yikes!–sounds like SOMEBODY’s on the rag.

‘A sad day for people with disabilities’ ~ “But on the other 364 days of the year, I thank God that a Pepsi truck crushed my legs.”

Camp Pendleton works to save species in peril ~ Which was a challenge for the Marines, as what they mostly do is kill things.

The Space Shuttle Endeavour rolls along Crenshaw Drive ~ This just in–Space Shuttle Endeavour is missing!

Insurance Will Take Care Of Everything But Your Deductible, But You Can Forget About The Resale Value.

Teacher: ‘I wanted to be the last thing they heard, not the gunfire’ ~ “And to make sure they heard me over all the racket, I yelled ‘Bang! Bang! Bang!'”

Worried about Lady Gaga’s weight gain? Chill, she isn’t ~ Sorry, we weren’t listening. We were trying to figure out why Kirstie Alley sounds like Lady Gaga all of a sudden.

Mark Hamill weighs in on the future of ‘Star Wars’ — EXCLUSIVE ~ “They said they might let me sweep up around the set!”

Rolling Stones kick off 50th anniversary tour ~ The only thing those testosterone-drenched septuagenarians should be kicking is either a habit or the bucket.

The $250 Halloween treat ~ Cocaine!

Best Avoided: It’s Pretty Pricey, And Worse, Turns You Into An Asshole. Weed, On The Other Hand, Is A Lot Less Likely To Result In A Domestic Abuse Arrest. That’s All We’re Saying.

Best of Headlines Part I

30 Monday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Arkansas, childish sexual innuendo, drugs, fun with stereotypes, gay people, headlines, hookers, India, Japan, Lady Gaga, Latinos, Leonardo DiCaprio, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, nudists, perverts, Republicans, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, STDs, the French, Uranus, US Navy, Yoko Ono, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Howdy, folks. Headlines has always been one of our favorite Promethean Times features, and recently it seems to have picked up popularity with our readers. This wasn’t always the case. It might surprise you to know we’ve done 23 of these things over the last couple years. That’s like 575 individual headlines, give or take (we didn’t count). Most of them will deservedly be lost to history–there were a lot of duds in the early posts, but we have chosen sixty or so of our favorites from the first fifteen Headlines posts that are almost certainly new to you. Enjoy them again for the first time! ∞ T.

“No, I Said It Made Me Want To ‘Matriculate.’…What?…Well, Sure–That, Too.”

In Which We Comment On The Headlines, But Leave The Reading To People Who Like To Do That Kind Of Thing

***

Can Your Pet Read Your Mind? ~ What?  Are you a child?  No!

Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’

Why Do Republicans Love Pizza?  ~ The same reason everybody else loves pizza.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ Whoa! Looks likes someone’s scrubbing his own floor tonight!

Yeah, I’m Pretty Sure They Heard You. Next Time, Just S-P-E-L-L It Out, Okay?

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Somalis Rip Aid Donors for ‘Failing’ Famine Victims ~ If it bothers you so much, then eat your own damn food.   . . .  Oh, right.  Sit tight, folks.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that still remains a mystery.

Wearing Only a Smile, Nudists Seek Out the Young and the Naked ~ And how is that different from what sexual predators do?

“What Kind Of Parents Do You Think We Are? When A Hairy, Naked Stranger Asks If He Can Take Teddy To The Beach For The Weekend, You Can Bet We’ll Ask A Few Questions. He Checks Out, Though, And Told Us He’d Have Teddy Back Sometime On Monday Or Tuesday.

Shark expert surprised by great white attack on woman ~ If he’s really such an expert, he should know that they do that.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy. Boys are called “heroes.”

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean makes its hardcover debut next spring!

Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could somehow prevent the inevitable playground beatings.

Civil War’s dirty secret about slavery ~ Was that a secret?–Because our 8th grade history teacher just couldn’t shut up about it.

You’d Think He’d Have Been Smart Enough Not To Leave A Paper Trail.

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

When it’s time to run for office, fewer women stand up ~ They do the same thing when it’s time to pee.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

No, Bro–The Headband Totally Covers It! Rusty, My Man–I Think Tonight Is Finally Your Night!

Tradition forces girls into prostitution ~ “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion perfectly good reasons.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks a little bigger in Japan.

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

We’d Offer You Our Lunch, But Regrettably,We Lost It Just Moments Ago.

Prevent STDs like a porn star ~ Die of a drug overdose before you’re diagnosed.

Gay rights fight, in Allah’s name ~ You know, just printing the words “Gay” and “Allah” in the same sentence can get you killed.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes ~ Perhaps God is angry about all the incest.

Navy panel allows openly gay sailor to continue to serve ~ Sounds noble, but remember–we’re talking about the Navy.  If it were to jettison all the gay sailors from its ranks, the US Navy would be left with all the fighting strength of the Cape Cod Yacht Club.

Write Your Own Caption About The US Navy. It Should Contain At Least One Childishly Suggestive Reference (e.g., “Swabbing The Poop Deck!”, “Thar He Blows!” Or “I’m Securing Your Shit Below Deck, Sir!”), And Make Gratuitous Use Of The Word ‘Seamen.’ Support Our Troops!

Recent Headlines Not Included Above

(And Which You May Very Well Have Already Seen)

        • Headlines: 04.03.12
        • Headlines: Titanic Edition
        • Headlines 04.30.12
        • Headlines 05.18.12
        • Headlines 05.24.12
        • Headlines 06.01.12
        • Headlines 06.20.12
        • Headlines 06.29.12
        • Headlines 07.13.12
        • Headlines 07.23.12

Look for Best of Headlines Part II later this week!

Headlines 03.06.12

06 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

1906 San Francisco Earthquake, boobs, breastuses, Celebrity Death Watch, date rape, Dave Mustaine, death by old age, divorce, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Drew Barrymore, drugs, dyslexia, Eddie Murphy, fat people, France, has-beens, headlines, heroin, hos, Lady Gaga, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, little people, LSD, Lybia, lycergic acid diethylamide. LSD not LDS which is something very different, Megadeth, moobs, poor judgement, pop biology, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Shakira, short people, skanks, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stalkers, Star Trek, sweet lady meg, the French, Trekkies, trippin' balls, TSA, Where Are They Now?, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so lonely?, Why am I so stupid?, women of easy virtue

By Smaktakula

Oh, Man! If We Had A Dime For Every Time This Has Happened.

In which we opine upon the headlines of the day without first reading the articles.

***

Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine backs Rick Santorum ~ See Kids? A bacchanalian life of drug-fueled debauchery is not without its consequences. Although the pernicious effects of addiction upon the family structure are well-documented and widely known, critical-thinking skills and good judgement are additional casualties.

The Upside of Dyslexia ~ There is no dog-bamn u9sibe!

‘Star Trek’ Divorce: Fan Forced To Leave Spaceship Digs ~ He should take some consolation in the fact that as someone who has, however briefly, known the carnal delights of female affection, he’s relatively unique among Trekkies.

Don’t worry, Eddie Murphy lives ~ We weren’t worried. Were you?

Libyan militia accused of torturing to death ambassador to France ~ The ambassador repeatedly cried out “Mercy,” which as you know means ‘thank you’ in French, so in a way he was asking for it.

When It Comes To Holding A Grudge, Smaktakula Does Not Fuck Around.

Story: Woman stalked for 17 years: ‘I don’t think it’s over’ ~ Really? After nearly two decades, you don’t think he’s ready to move on?

Miracle baby born from a single sperm ~ Although we were inattentive (at best) in biology class, our understanding is that barring a multiple birth, the formula is 1 sperm +1 egg = 1 very expensive, back-talking pet.

Rising NBA star sleeps on sofa ~ That’s where a lot of former NBA stars sleep as well.

OUTRAGE: TEEN PERP INVOLVED IN NEAR-FATAL SHOPPING CART PUSH MAY WALK ~ Would you people rather have him go through life a cripple? Not Promethean Times. We believe in you, Teen Perp!

So Very Brave.

“Help! I hate my husband.” ~ It sounds like you’re doing just fine, and don’t need our help despising your spouse.

One-Night Stand or Rape? ~ If you can’t satisfactorily answer that question on your own, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much.

Shakira saved from sea lion ~ How many times do we have to tell you?–Nature does not have your best interests at heart.

Gaga’s scent smells like expensive hookers ~ We prefer the delightful bouquet of burned crack infused with fear-sweat and just a hint of urine that distinguishes so many of today’s down-market hos.

Her Designer Fragrance Is Called ‘As Dead I Well May Be.’

Evidence: Hitler had love child ~ ‘Love’ child doesn’t really work in the same sentence as ‘Hitler.’ We know it’s not particularly politically correct, but if there’s ever a time to bring back ‘bastard,’ this is it.

Really? The Claim: Excess Weight Raises the Risk of Acne ~ Because it’s that zit on your nose that’s keeping you home on Saturday nights, man-tits.

Style icon dies at fashion show ~ How gauche!

Police: Mom gave kids heroin ~ Kids today don’t know how nice they have it. We considered ourselves lucky if Mom gave us a nutmeg & codeine-syrup cocktail and told us to ‘Fuck off for a few hours,’ so she and Uncle Whatshisname could have some privacy.

O’Donnell & Handler offend little people ~ Yeah, but who cares what the little people think?

Making People Short Is God’s Way Of Letting Us Know They Don’t Matter.

San Fran earthquake survivor dies at 109 ~ When you take into account that the Great Quake was in 1906, it’s tragic how long that guy suffered.

Is Drew Barrymore Expecting? ~ Expecting what? We figure if that chick were fertile, she’d have been knocked up years ago.

TSA agent turns mother’s boobs into tourist attraction ~ We visited. Truly a land of milk & honey.

Ohio victim’s brother: ‘Lost my best friend’ ~ And his brother got killed–talk about a shitty day!

Cocktail of Popular Drugs May Cloud Brain ~ Wait–intoxication is a possible side-effect of consuming drugs? The devil you say!

I Was Only Dropping Acid To Restore My Ph Balance, And Had No Clue That I’d Be Trippin’ Balls. I’m A Gazebo, By The Way.

***

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII

Eine Kleine Snatchmusik

12 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Social Networking

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

apologies to Mozart, attention-seeking celebrities, childish sexual innuendo, creativity, fecundity, human lava lamp, Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga's very talented vagina, Lady Minge, Lady Vajayjay, Polk High School JV Water Polo's very good day, Seriously? Do you even listen to the words coming out of your mouth?, servants' entrance, snatch, vagina, Vanity Fair, Vanity Fair is the Enquirer for college educated assholes

By Smaktakula

Lady Gaga, the intermittently interesting humanoid lava lamp, reveals to Vanity Fair the fecund loam from which, flower-like, her creativity springs.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone, they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

"Which Is Why I Must Insist That My Gentleman Callers Kindly Use The Servants' Entrance."

This just in: Polk High School JV Water Polo team writes, composes and performs Grammy-nominated rock opera.

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