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Monthly Archives: May 2011

The Magical World Of Make-Believe

09 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Avatar, comic books, cosplay, costumes, Dr. Who, drugs, fandom, Hellboy, Lara Croft, living in mom's basement, Lodi, make believe, Pokemon, pregoo porn, rites of childhood, Ron Jeremy, sexless adults, Star Trek, stupid shit little girls like, too fat to wear that, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

This Is Either Adorable Or Degrading Depending On How You Look At It.

Among the time-honored rites of childhood is playing make-believe.  As murderous outlaw cowboys, fairy princesses, dauntless firefighters or myriad other fantastical and heroic roles, children push the boundaries of the possible before the realities of adulthood grind their little spirits to dust.  Nine-year old Billy may be destined for a life of junior management at the Lodi Rite-Aid, but for this brief and priceless time he can be a gridiron hero, space cowboy or one of those annoying blue critters from Avatar.

The Glasses And Cleavage Are Nice, But The Lollipop Is The Pièce De Résistance.

Fortunately for the emotionally-stunted and other sexless adults, in 2011, dress-up is not limited to children or the mentally challenged; more and more, people over the age of eleven are embracing the magical world of make-believe.  They call it cosplay.

Cosplay, which Wikipedia charitably calls ‘performance art,’ isn’t going away any time soon.  Thanks to the proliferation of various fandom conventions–comic books, Star Trek, Dr. Who and their ilk–cosplayers have become emboldened through interaction like-minded individuals, where in ages past they would have been limited to practicing their hobby in dim and lonely basement, their sole audience a badly cracked full-length mirror.

Cosplay Pioneers Such As This One Had To Practice Their Art Behind Closed Doors.

Having crawled out into the sun, it is foolish to believe that these merry masters of make-believe will just as quickly slink back into the faerie forest.  In this way cosplay is like illegal drugs or preggo porn, enough people want to do it regardless of the very serious harm which may result, and so the war must turn to one of management rather than eradication.

It is imperative then that we educate the public–and not merely the cosplaying fringe–about engaging in safe make-believe practices, and also about the very real dangers of improper cosplay.  The following illustrations should suffice to impart upon even the most casual observer a basic knowledge of the DOs & DON’Ts of this bizarre hobby.

Cosplay:  There’s a right way, and so very many wrong ways.

Sadly, Wolverine's Uncanny Powers Of Regeneration Do Not Extend To His Hairline.

Now They Call Her 'Fridge Raider.'

Cody Bunning IS Hellboy--Thanks To Makeup And Mom's Credit Card.

Even If Your Goal Was To Not Look Like A Complete Tool From The Waist Up, We'd Say It's At Best A Partial Success.

You're Doing It Right.

You're Doing It Wrong.

Poor Hygiene Means You Sit Alone.

This Sailor Moon Comes With Her Own Gravitational Field.

"It's The Role I Was Born To Play!"

Clothes Do Nothing For Ron Jeremy.

No, You're Right--She's A Perfectly Lovely Young Lady. We Just Can't Help Being A Little . . . Underwhelmed.

If Someone Hasn't Told You By Now, Profile Is Not Your Best Angle.

She Gets It.

He Doesn't.

Historically We Have Been Opposed To Forced Sterilization. However, We Make Exceptions.

Faisal And His Four Brides Were A Hit At The Islamabad Convention.

Many Lamps Were Rubbed That Day.

You Wouldn't Think Robin The Boy Wonder Could Be Made Any Lamer, But There You Go.

Yeah, The Ladies Have Let Themselves Go. But Copious Quantities Of Alcohol Will Transform The Chick On The Left Into The Supergirl We Met A Few Panels Ago.

We're Reasonably Sure That Jabba The Hutt Didn't Deck Himself Out In An Orange Prison Jumpsuit.

We'd Give You A Lot More To Have Never Put That Awful Image In Our Heads.

Jody Isn't Just A Rabid Sailor Moon Fan--She's Actually Got Rabies.

Cosplay Isn't Just For Normals. Special Kids Like To Dress Up, Too.

Your Mothers Must Be Very Proud.

KILL IT! DO IT NOW! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL THAT UNHOLY THING!

It Takes Creativity, Design Skill And A Sense Of Fun. Dignity Not Necessary.

Marry Us.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

08 Sunday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

holidays, Love You Mom, Miss You Mom, Mother's Day, true meanings of holidays

STILL MISS YOU.

World’s Youngest Grandmother Has Some Regrets

06 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

child brides, cultural backwater, foolish choices, Gypsies, pederast, pervert, places that suck, regrets, Rifca Stanescu, Romany, statutory rape, they're called Romany 'cause they're always roamin' around, wasted life

By Smaktakula

Lots Of People Throw Away Their Lives As Teenagers; At Least She Did It For Love.

Twenty-three-year-old Rifca Stanescu had mixed emotions regarding the coming of her first grandson.  Of course she was happy for her twelve-year-old daughter on the birth of her child, but couldn’t help wishing that the girl had waited a few years before following Rifca’s example and throwing her life down the toilet.*

National Geographic's Hard-Hitting Profile Of Romany Culture.

Stanescu can take some satisfaction that her daughter will grow up in an age where she is able to  make her own choices, such as the decision to marry her husband at age 10.  Rifca Stanescu didn’t get to make that choice.  When at 11, her family refused the marriage proposal of her future husband’s family, she was kidnapped and raped, which in Romany (the universally beloved folk formerly known as the Gypsies) culture, apparently means you’re married.

Mishka Is Just Thrilled That She Still Fits Into This Old Thing.

*It is not accidental that Smaktakula employs the verb form of ‘throw’ rather than ‘flush.’  In fact, Romania does not yet have flush toilets. ∞T.

After Osama

06 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Canada, cock-knockers, Dalai Lama, DMV, Donald Trump, douchebaggery, Eddie Murphy, Emilio Estevez, Glenn Beck, Kobe Bryant, Lolcats, Mission Accomplished, Nancy Grace, Osama bin Laden, Prince Harry, Ringo Starr, Snarf, US Penis size as a cause of insecurity

By Smaktakula

Bet You Never Thought You'd Miss This Guy.

The non-turbanned, loosely-wound portion of the world’s population was delighted to hear that inveterate nastyman Osama bin Laden was shot down like a dog, or like anything else that gets shot, really.  For some this joy manifested itself in garish displays of celebration and of nationalistic revelry.  For others, this was a time for the slow shaking of heads and smug reminders that, no matter the enormity of bin Laden’s crimes, death is not something to be celebrated.  But yahoos and pussies alike found common ground in their delight over the death of the cave-dwelling cock-knocker.

Now More Than Ever, A Desperate World Cries Out For An Epic Douchebag.

But now, as the warm afterglow of Mission (Finally) Accomplished begins to fade, so also does the sense of cohesion which, for one shining moment of vengeance-fueled bloodlust, brought us all together.  If this dispersion remains unchecked, we risk drifting back into our petty disagreements.

However, if a new enemy can quickly be found, one in which society can invest its currently unfocused capacity for hatred, we can perhaps recapture the magic of our unified malice.

Some Suggestions For The New Public Enemy #1

With The Intellectual Capacity Of A Houseplant, Nancy Grace Gives False Hope To The Very Stupid.

Kobe Bryant: You Know Why.

The Cranky, Slow And Incompetent Lady At The DMV.

As Is So Often His Lot In Life, Ringo Wasn't Our First Choice For This List, But He'll Have To Do.

Emilio Estevez: No One Will Be Expecting The 'Good' Sheen.

We've Been Gunning For Him Since The 'Chipotle' Commercial.

The Chinese Government Will Back Us On This One.

Americans And Western Europeans Will Have No Problems Resenting Canadians For Their Larger Penises.

Hasn't Made A Good Movie Since The First Bush Presidency, Unless You Count 'Pluto Nash.' Which We Do.

Too Easy.

Lolcats: Ruining Our Grammar Through Their Insidious Adorableness.

Prince Harry: Likes To Dress Up As A Nazi.

"SNARF!"

Falwell Was Right About The Teletubbies

05 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Andy Bell, Dipsy, Dora the Explorer, Erasure, gay, homosexuality, insipid entertainment, kiddie shows, Laa-Laa, Liberace, Po, Rev. Jerry Falwell, Scooby Doo, stupidity, Teletubbies, television characters, the myriad facets of gayness, Tinky Winky

By Smaktakula

Jerry Has Moved On. He Now Wants To Know Why Dora The Explorer Doesn't Like Boys.

Years ago the Reverend Jerry Falwell became a laughingstock when he declared that children’s television characters, the Teletubbies, were gay.  Although the insipidly adorable British monstrosities, Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po have been turning children’s brains to mush for almost fifteen years, there is no evidence to suggest that exposure to the Teletubbies has any effect on a child’s future sexuality.

teletubbies names

Not Even Remotely Homosexual, But Still Gayer Than Liberace Draped In A Rainbow Flag And Eating An Ice Cream Cone While Riding A Sequin-Studded Unicorn.

Through the gulf of years, however, it becomes plain that the buffoonish Bible-thumper wasn’t altogether wrong.  At the heart of the issue is the word ‘gay’ with its myriad connotations.

Secretly Knows He Will Never Reach The Swishy Benchmark Set By Tinky Winky.

It is ludicrous to think that four sexless, half-witted mutant hamsters could be homosexual (or any kind of sexual).  Despite this, it is apparent to even the most casual observer that the Teletubbies are in fact massively gay.

Fred From Scooby Doo: Gay In EVERY Sense Of The Word.

Human Shields

04 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Politics, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

bin Laden's wife, cock-knockers, defense, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, dupes, Hands Across America, human shields, Osama bin Laden, Saguaro, social outrage, stupidity on display

By Smaktakula

It likely comes as a shock to no one that about-to-be-snuffed cock-knocker Osama bin Laden attempted to use one of his myriad wives as a human shield during his desperate final hours.

Rest Easy, Noble Saguaro. The Evil Ones Will Never Touch You.

Before we judge him too harshly, however, we must consider the stark scientific realities of defensive technology.  For all of humanity’s advances in creating durable, synthetic compounds, we have yet to develop any substance whose defensive capabilities equal the protective power of social outrage.  Human shields are still the best kind.

Royals: Keeping It In The Family

03 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Alexei Nikolaevich, Beatrice of York, blue-bloods, Britain's Royal Family, Buckingham Palace, childish sexual innuendo, congenital afflictions, European Royalty, France, Great Britain, hemophilia, HURRR!, incest, Kate Middleton, King Ralph, Louis XIV, Nicholas II, Prince Andrew, Prince William, Princess Beatrice, Royal Disease, Royal weddings, Royals, royaltard, Sarah Ferguson, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, spokescow, United Kingdom, Weight Watchers

By Smaktakula

Actually, There Are Far Worse Congenital Defects Associated With Inbreeding Than Simply Being A Moronic Sack Of Manatee Blubber.

Most people know that in days of yore European royalty was a tight-knit club.  So tight-knit, in fact, that intermarriages among the various royal families increasingly began to produce malignant progeny who were deformities, idiots and stillbirths.  History is replete with whispered tales of these chromosomally-challenged royals, persisting even into the 20th with the feeble Alexei Nikolaevich, son of Nicholas II, the last Czar of Russia.  Hemophilia was so pronounced among previous generations of elites, that it earned itself the magisterial nickname, ‘The Royal Disease.’

Progeny Of Incestuous Unions Are Often Afflicted With Rodent-Like Features.

But few realize that the royal curse persists to this day.  It is a topic the press ignores by silent consensus, and one about which the public prudently remains uninquisitive.   Perhaps this is because, even for people living outside the United Kingdom, the British Royal Family epitomizes dignity, nobility and class; the thought of the Earl of Twaddle-upon-Bumheath flinging his own poo at the Duchess of Queef is almost too much to bear.

Wait Your Turn, Lads!--At Least Four Royals Would Have To Die Before Either Of These Young Lords Can Hope To Assume The Throne.

Recently, the world was forced to acknowledge the Royal Secret when, at the recent wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, photographers snapped several pictures of one of these blue-blood unfortunates.  Historically, Buckingham Palace has kept a tight rein on these high-born embarrassments, but the Palace has liberalized considerably in recent years.  This is thought to be the reason that at least one of these creatures was allowed to not only be seen in public, but to be photographed.

The Hereditary Deformities Of French Monarch Louis XIV Spawned A Cruel National Nickname.

The royaltard in question is Beatrice of York, daughter of former Weight Watchers spokescow and attempted royal access merchant Sarah Ferguson and her former husband, the all-around cad Prince Andrew.  Beatrice appears in several wedding photos, sporting a unique piece of headgear she designed herself.  When asked the significance of the bizarre accoutrement, Beatrice replied with a series of soft mewling sounds.

"Mummy! I'm A Teletubby!"

Beatrice: A Very Special Royal

"HUURRRRR!"

"I'm Beetruth! Hooray For Beetruth!"

Oh God, That Is SO Cute! Smaktakula Had A Hamster That Used To Do That. He Just Couldn't Get The Concept Of Glass.

Beatrice, Sweetie--Don't Lie To Mummy. Now, I'll Ask You Just Once More: Did You Smear Nectar In Your Hair Again?

"Loo Loo Loo, You Can't See Me! Loo Loo Loo!"

Bin Laden: The Final Hours

02 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

9/11, bin Laden dead, dicks, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, famous martyrs, Glee, Islam, Osama bin Laden, stupid shit little girls like, The Great Satan, United States of America

By Smaktakula

REVEALED!  The fatal missteps which led first to the betrayal and then slaying by US forces of 9/11 mastermind and all-around-dick Osama bin Laden.

"Ibrahim, Buddy--It's Totally Awesome Of You To Let Me Crash Here, Man. A Cave Gets Old Really Quick."

"It's Cool, Osama--Mi Casa Es Tu Casa!"

"You Are Too Kind, My Friend. I Know This Has Been A Hardship For You. I've Made A Pretty Big Mess With All My Stuff, Plus, The Great Satan Would Pay A King's Ransom To Know Where I Am Staying Tonight."

"Let The Americans Spend Their Riches In Hell. I Do Not Want Their Filthy Blood Money. I Would Not Betray You For All The Riches In The World."

"I Know This, My Friend. You've Done More For Me Than I Can Repay. Speaking Of Which, Did You Want Me To Throw You A Couple Bucks For All The Food I Ate?"

"No Need, My Friend, No Need! It's Nice Just To Have You Here. By The Way, Did You See A VHS Cassette Lying Around? I've Missed The Last Two Episodes Of My Favorite Show, And Want To Watch It Tonight."

Thanks For Being Cool About The Food, Man--I'm Pretty Broke Anyway. And Did The VHS Cassette Say 'GLEE' On It? 'Cause I'm Pretty Sure I Taped Over It To Make A Message To The Crusaders. Sorry, Bro--My Bad. Still, We All Do What We Can For The Struggle, Right?"

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