A Boy Named Kick Me

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By Smaktakula

Dealt A Staggering Blow At Birth, Richard Swett Turned His Wheels Into The Skid And Embraced His Handicap.

Since the dawn of time, well-meaning parents have been giving their children ridiculous names.  From the celebrity who bestows the name Pomegranate upon her offspring to the fringy basement-dweller who names his kid Billy Ray Chewbacca, parents from all walks of life enjoy abusing their parental naming rights.

You're Right, This Doesn't Count. But It's Still Funny.

But some go too far.  Most people are by now familiar with the story of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who burdened their son with the name Adolf Hitler Campbell.  His sisters’ fate was worse.  Not only were they also given white supremacist names, but with the added inconvenience of non-traditional spelling and of being unpronounceable to boot: it’s a given that little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will have some trouble on the playground.   Child Protective Services has placed the children in foster care, ostensibly on the grounds of their parents’ health.

In Fairness To Ma And Pa Kuntz, There Isn't A Whole Lot They Could Have Done.

While Der Campbellkinder may be safe in the warm and nurturing arms of the foster care system, thousands of children across the country are still with the demoniacal parents who precipitated this nomenclature-based abuse.  To see this, one has only to know that a handful of poor impulse control dads and enabling moms have stuck their brats with the name ESPN, in honor of the 24-hour cable sports network.

"Can I Tell You, Mom & Dad? Can I Tell You How Much I Hate You?"

Some Helpful Naming Tips:

  • Avoid naming your children after alcoholic beverages.  Weinhard and Jägermeister probably won’t think it’s as cute as you do.
  • Parents whose last name is a verb should exercise EXTREME caution when naming their daughters to avoid the many call girl/exotic dancer combinations.
  • Avoid creative spellings such as Kody, Ayden, Trevis and the like.  Your child is not a heavy metal band.
  • Only name your daughter “Chastity” if you’re a fan of irony.
Smaktakula is a family name!

We’re Not Too Proud To Offer ‘B’ Material

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By Smaktakula

Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.

We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators.  We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators.  But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves.  Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant.  As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.

"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"

Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room.  Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.

Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.

We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

What?  They can’t all be winners, folks.

Does God Exist?

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By Smaktakula

The Revelatory Powers Of A Burning Bush Are Legendary. Fortunately, Lotrimin Produces An Ointment Which Will Help Soothe The Itching And Discomfort.

Such a fundamentally contentious issue as the existence of a higher power, despite that the question must be answerable by either a yes or no, is too complex to answer neatly in a few short paragraphs, and frankly, more than a little beyond our intellectual safety zone.

Promethean Times is always eager to let our readers do the intellectual hard work.  Leaving the question in your capable hands, we present a single piece of evidence both for and against the existence of the Almighty.

For: Lolcats.

He's Asking For A Cheeseburger, But It's Comically Misspelled! Could You Just Die?

Against: The continuing existence of Yoko Ono.

Tenaciously Managing To Survive Both The Firebombing Of Tokyo And Mark David Chapman's Point-Blank Slaying Of Her Meal-Ticket Husband, This Shrieking Cultural Cockroach Will Outlive Us All.

This Day In History: 1605 CE

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On which protoIslamofascist Guy Fawkes’ unsuccessful attempt to blow up Parliament is remembered through a holiday and a lackluster film.

Fawkes' Original Plan Was To Strike The Houses Of Parliament With "A Flyeing Contrapshun Of Some Varietee, Laden With Elyxirs Both Incendiaree And Caustic."

Penny for the Guy?

People Of Size Undeserving Of Your Scorn

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By Smaktakula

In A Perfect World Parents Would Have Another Option For Feeding Their Children. If Only There Were Some Kind Of Market Where Parents Could Purchase Fresh, Wholesome Food To Prepare For Their Children, That Would Be Super.

Recently, a blogger for Marie Claire was compelled to issue an abject apology after making derogatory comments about people of size.  In a scathing review of CBS‘ new fat show, Mike and Molly, columnist Maura Kelly called fat people “aesthetically displeasing,” and compared obesity to an addiction.  The nationwide eruption of hurt feelings took Marie Claire’s editors by surprise, and after some fumbling, they distanced themselves from the story and presumably forced Kelly’s apology.

It’s laughable to think that a simple act of contrition can exculpate either Kelly or Marie Claire for this deplorable instance of intolerance.  People of size may have massive, quivering bodies, but their self-esteem is by contrast as delicate as a sugar sculpture.  By shattering it, Kelly has only served to drive these waddling grotesqueries back into the cool, comforting embrace of the refrigerator in a vain effort to exorcise their pain.  The blogger should not only be fired, but also subjected to some sort of sensitivity-increasing exercise, such as the forced viewing of plumper porn.

Really? You'd Like To See These Two Baleen Going At It?

Kelly’s supporters argue that like drug addiction, eating disorders are medically recognized conditions, and that the writer’s opinions echo those of medical science.  Moreover, they’re likely to point to the fact that outside of fetishists, most people are turned off by fleshy truckloads of undulant blubber.

But She Has A Great Sense Of Humor.

These excuses betray the rotten logic of girthophobes.  Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should be said, if saying it means portraying an individual’s lifestyle choices as within his control.  Kelly is doing nothing more than blaming the individual for the situation in which he has put himself.

He Remains Curiously Unsympathetic To America's Obesity Epidemic.

The War On Fat is already lost.  The winners are the fast-food and processed food industries, who are in business for no other reason than to make money.  To flog their products, these companies stoop to advertising during children’s programming, and often include toys with their products.  These companies are perpetrating a modern Holocaust, preying on America’s inability to say NO.

Which is why the government will soon have to step in to provide the NO.  Once trans-fats, sodium, corn syrup and other dangerous additives have been removed from the American diet, the obesity epidemic should waste away like a North Korean peasant.  Until then, the disgustingly obese deserve to be treated with tolerance: they can’t help it.

Except For The Healthy Lifestyle Choices And The Hours Upon Hours In The Gym, Brad Pitt's Physique Is A Matter Of Pure Luck.

Is The End Of Polio In Sight?

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By Smaktakula

No, "P-O-L-I-O."--We Didn't Mean To Get Your Hopes Up Like That, But One Crisis At A Time.

The World Health Organization announced recently that a new polio vaccine could soon eradicate the childhood scourge.  This is great news for people in countries afflicted by outbreaks of polio, but terrible news for the rest of the world, who believed the disease wiped out fifty years ago.

fdr.jpg fdr image by feralboy12

"Don't Be Such A Pussy About It. Polio Builds Character."

The Ongoing Doucheification Of Michael Jordan

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By Smaktakula

Jordan Is Said To Be Growing Increasingly Comfortable With His Doucheiness.

Michael Jordan–at one time the most revered and respected man throughout the sporting world–is proving increasingly to be nothing more than a really tall asshole.

There were hints of it during his time in the NBA.  First there was Jordan’s short-lived retirement in which the basketball great unsuccessfully chased his baseball muse.  Following this were two comebacks, the first of which was highly successful, bringing another string of NBA Championships to Chicago.  Jordan’s final comeback, with the Washington Wizards, was ill-advised and legacy tarnishing.  But for a while, Jordan’s unearthly talent made it easy to overlook these things.

The Tongue Thing Grows Less Cute With Every Passing Day.

More recently, Jordan’s douche factor has leapt through the roof, thanks partially to the athlete’s tumultuous personal life.  Although Jordan and his wife divorced amicably in 2005, revelations quickly surfaced that Jordan had been maintaining an ongoing affair with gold digger and filer of an unsuccessful paternity suit, Karla Knafel.

Given That Jordan Could Have His Pick From Among The World's Great Beauties, Karla Knafel Is A Curious Choice.

A further low for Jordan was his 2009 Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Jordan gave a rambling acceptance speech, lashing out at perceived enemies, and re-settling old scores.  Jordan’s biggest accomplishment of the evening was humiliating Leroy Smith, who managed to beat the future NBA great for a spot on the varsity basketball team back in high school.

Many observers saw pettiness as the reason Jordan was less than effusive in his praise of Kobe Bryant, who is considered a lock for the Hall of Fame.  Of Bryant, who has one less championship than his Airness,  Jordan said “If you are talking about guards, I would say he has got to be in the top 10.”

Jordan On Bryant: "He's Okay."

Jordan has always battled issues of character.  From gambling rumors to accusations of being a hands-off franchise owner, the cracks in Jordan’s reputation are beginning to show.

But perhaps the most glaring indication of Jordan’s irrevocable slide toward the douche side is his choice of a Hitler mustache.

"Wir Mussen Die Jazz Ausrotten!"

Katy And Russell’s Exciting Temporary Marriage

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By Smaktakula

Surely You're Used To It By Now: Beautiful Women Can't Resist Grimy Douchebags.

Loveliest-girl-in-all-the-world Katy Perry recently married unfunny British career-killer Russell Brand in an ostentatious ceremony in India.

Brand, most famous for boasting on-air about diddling the granddaughter of a British actor, is said to be hanging up his career as a Lothario and eager to settle down to family life.

Russell Brand: What The Cure's Robert Smith Might Look Like If His Body Produced Testosterone.

Promethean Times is delighted by this union, and wishes the lovely couple a lifetime of wonderful memories.

Not everyone is so happy, however:

"Bitch, You're Trippin'. Be A Good Girl And Come On Home Before Elmo Has To Lose His Shit And Choke Himself A Hairy English Motherfucker."

Fan Mail From MiLo

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A Very Special Message From The Promethean Times Staff

We've Got Mail! YAAAAAAAY!

We enjoy receiving comments and email from our readers.  We’re glad that we made you laugh or think, and we really do appreciate your kind words.

However, readers may be shocked to know that not all the feedback we receive is positive.  Sometimes, someone will disagree with something he or she reads in  Promethean Times, and takes the time to tell us about it.  It goes without saying that these people are evil, and quite possibly child-molesters–but we do listen to what they have to say.

Of one post, a reader observed, “It’s just too good a laugh to let facts get in the way.”  Another asked, “It’s easy to be part of the journalism problem by only focusing on things that damn people rather than the full story — isn’t it?”

Michael Lohan Is Apparently More Committed To Biblical Scholarship Than To Standardized Spelling.

We have been called right-wing, left-wing, anti-poor, anti-catholic, small-minded, deliberately misleading and a few other charges that are at best half-truths.  Nonetheless, we appreciate these comments, too. They may be way off-base, but at least somebody’s reading.

Recently, Promethean Times was honored to receive fan mail from an honest-to-goodness Hollywood celebrity.  We have worked diligently to cultivate a persona of jaded cynicism, but it’s hard to do anything but stand up and take notice when an entertainment personality the caliber of Michael “MiLo” Lohan sends a fan letter.

If We Could Just Get Octomom In This Picture, The Freakshow Troika Would Be Complete.

Upon reading our whimsical piece, Happy Thoughts For Tuesday: Thank God Michael Lohan Isn’t Your Dad, Mike posted a comment to let us know he was profoundly moved by what we had written, and was kind enough to share some Scripture.  Here’s Mike’s comment in its entirety:

With a heart as dark and evil as yours , you will burn in hell if you dont change. Judge not, lest you shall be judged. And Do unto others as would have them do unto you. Did you ever hear those proverbial wordss?
If not, which it appears you haven’t, learn them

Wow.  Thanks a lot, Mike–we really appreciate it.  PT is a labor of love, and we’re warmed by the knowledge that a big-name star like yourself might inadvertently stumble across us while compulsively googling his own name.

"I'm Michael Lohan, And I Approved This Message."

Come back & see us soon, Mike!

And you too.