Africa, African famine, Ashton Kutcher, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Budweiser, butterface, death by drowning, debt crisis, Democrats, Europe, great white shark, headlines, hos, Indiana, living in a van down by the river, Matt Foley, Mississippi, online dating, perverts, pizza, Poltergeist, prostitution, Republicans, reset button, skunky beer, Somalia, South Korea, Tanzania, tapeworms, TV for idiots, Two and a Half Men, United States of America, vegans, Vermont, White House, you're welcome
In which we opine on the latest headlines, without bothering to first read the stories.
- Korean perverts to introduce hidden cameras to female-only subway cars.
- It’s true–every whiny bitch was once a whiny little bitch.
- There is honor among thieves, just no common sense.
- That’s a misprint. Rather than ‘gone vegan’ it should read ‘done Meagan.’
- Sweet! A Poltergeist remake.
- Yeah, but when you have no real friends and a surfeit of free time, you tend to get irritated pretty easily.
- “My momma was a ho, just like her momma before her.”
- The same reason everybody else loves pizza.
- The freed predator wasted no time before devouring a surfer.
- This is hardly the first time Europe has rung up a bill the US was obliged to pay.
- Is that thing still on the loose?
- If it bothers you so much, eat your own damn food. . . . Oh, right. Sit tight, folks.
- Don’t feel bad; attraction is a matter of personal preference, and is influenced by myriad subjective factors. Remember, it’s not you who’s repellant, but rather your personality and physical appearance.
- Because neither ‘Do Over’ nor ‘We Take It Back‘ sounded quite right.
- That you ever did says a lot about you.
- No, by definition, now is the present and the future is yet to come. And they say the Democrats can’t get their shit together.
- The van’s funk is said to be legendary.
- Dear God! At times like this, when the soul reels in shock and disbelief, we must remember that . . . HOLD ON! Forget about that–Our affiliate in Tuscaloosa is reporting that a cute white girl has gone missing!
- Because fermented goat semen just doesn’t taste that hot.
- For starters, the LaborTron3K doesn’t come to work hung over, steal paperclips or grope the copy boy. Plus, you’re ugly.
- The secret is tapeworms.
- Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
- Headlines II
- Headlines III
- Headlines IV
- Headlines V
- Headlines VI
- Headlines VII
- Headlines VIII