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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Blame Canada!

PT Apologizes To Those Groups We Have Yet To Malign

22 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

American Civil War, Amish, beekeepers, Blame Canada!, Canada, China, Christians, Ecuador, Greeks, historical reenactors, ignorance--it's what we do, Inuits, Jews, muslims, paraphilic infantilism, Ramtha, Ron Paul, Swedes, television, United States of America, your mom, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

If You Live Here, We Have Something To Say That You Won’t Like Very Much.

We’re proud of our track record. In a relatively short time, we’ve managed to say some pretty shitty things about a lot of people. From the Inuits in the north, to the Chinese in the east, the Zimbabweans in the south, the good old US of A in the West, and just about everybody else in between, Promethean Times can be downright promiscuous with its criticism. We’ve made fun of gay people, straight people and the sexually ambivalent; we’ve kicked Christians, Muslims, Jews and Ramtharians. We’ve even made fun of the Amish. Druggies, weirdos and the very stupid–we try to hit ’em all.

But invariably, no matter how diligently mean-spirited, no single institution can possibly hope to insult everyone, despite how much we might wish otherwise. Readers might wonder, for example, just what we find so special about the Swedish people that we have yet to take them to task? Others may ask themselves why we’ve mocked beekeepers but never have seen fit to put stamp collectors in the crosshairs. The same charge could be made about antique car enthusiasts, Greeks or daytime television.

Dear readers–for Promethean Times to maintain its credibility, is it necessary that we point out Swedes are shaved yeti who both consume and smell like rotten fish? Or that stamp collectors tend to produce from their ranks an inordinately high percentage of voyeurs? If pressed, we could tell you that antique car lovers have man-boobs, Greek men love to bugger children and daytime TV is grand theater for the very stupid.

As This Graph Illustrates, Four Out Of Five Greek Men Prefer Hairy, Well-Muscled Flesh To The Supple Springiness Of The Female Breast. In Fairness, Greek Women Sort Of Straddle That Line.

Rest assured that whatever your race, gender, political affiliation, sexual orientation or any of the myriad tiny differences through which humanity seeks to distinguish itself, eventually we will get around to letting you know just what’s wrong with your culture, the way you live your life, and most fundamentally, why you are a bad person. In our own way we’re as multicultural as they come.

But for our friends who may be wondering, “Just what the hell is wrong with me that Promethean Times hasn’t seen fit to let me know about it?”, we’ve got some love to share. The following (by no means complete) list includes a few worthies who have heretofore escaped mention in these pages.

Canadians~Friends, it’s not that we don’t ache to mock these maple-mad mofos; we’ve been wanting to give one to the Canucks since as long as we can remember, but they can be damned hard to get a glove on. Canadians are a lot like that guy you remember from school–the golden boy with perfect attendance, whose homework is always turned on time and never copied, who never fails to treat the teachers and administration with respect and who invariably blows the curve for the rest of you morons. Naturally, you wait for him after school with a sock full of quarters hidden behind your back. But just before you can whack him with your homemade sap, he tells you, “you have really nice hair,” disarming you completely. Canadians are treacherous like that.

That they’re smarter and funnier than us, we can take. We can also accept that they’re cleaner, more polite and have more friends. But what we cannot countenance, and the thing which if known to the American public would quickly lead to tanks swarming the 49th Parallel like flies on fruit, is that they have bigger penii.

You Didn’t Know Captain America Had A Junior Sidekick?

Civil War Buffs~What can we say about grown men who, just for the sheer fun of it, reenact America’s most enduring national tragedy and bloodiest conflict in the nation’s history? Moreover, these dudes slog out these epic battles time and again, despite the outcome not having been in doubt for over 150 years. The American Civil War is in many ways distinguished by the terrible toll it took on the population as a whole, particularly upon an entire generation of men. For this reason it seems more than a little dishonest to history and disrespectful to the memory of the lives torn asunder by this war that men should play-act this ghastly episode. Posterity–and Promethean Times–would no doubt look more favorably upon these men if they used live ammunition.

You Guys Are Losers! No, Seriously–You Lose. We Read Ahead A Little Bit.

Ecuador~Ecuador has fuck all going for it. And, as the world’s premier producers of Panama hats, they’re clearly quite comfortable pulling the rug out from under their Latin American brethren.

Ron Paul~We’re not exactly sure who that is. Was he one of the Beatles or something?

Paraphilic Infantilism~Look, we’re happy for anyone who’s getting laid, and furthermore believe that healthy fantasy can enliven a couple’s sex life. What happens behind bedroom doors is no one else’s business.

Having said that, is there any normal person who believes that a 250-lb dude with his thumb in his mouth and a diaper draped over his ass is in any way healthy or sexually appealing? Whenever possible, we prefer to use non-judgmental language, but seriously, why was the term “sexual deviant” even coined if not to be firmly affixed to these simpering space-wasters?

Mom And Dad Must Just Be So Proud Of You!

Your Mom~Talk about a gal of easy virtue! That chick is easier to turn on than a light switch.

Tell Us, You Minx! Tell Us What Naughtiness The Beaver’s Gotten Up To Now.

The Bull Doesn’t Always Lose

21 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

aquatic mammals, birds, Blame Canada!, bovine-on-human violence, bovines, British Columbia, bull riding death, Canada, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., Emil Haagerdäddi, goring, Holy Cow!, idiots, India, kill-crazy beast, Makwala Derrickson Hall, matadors, NO BULL, rodeo, running of the bulls, sharks, two last names

By Smaktakula

Although much has been made of the danger posed by birds, sharks and aquatic mammals, humans have long been tolerant, and even affectionate toward bovines.  Regarded as likable, if stupid creatures throughout the world, and revered in places like India, the bovine family is accorded a respect second only to that given to canines.

Never Trust A Smiling Bull.

A recent incident in British Columbia may put bovines’ most-favored-species status in jeopardy.  Last week an eighteen-year-old bull rider, Makwala Derrickson Hall, was struck in the side by a bull during an event.  Derrickson Hall died before medical help reached him.

There are many theories that seek to explain why the bull went rogue.  An early theory, quickly discarded, imagined the incident as an unfortunate accident, adding that when dealing with wild animals, occasionally something terrible will happen.

Most experts consider this explanation childishly simple at best, and at its worst, dangerously naive.  Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman of South-Central Montana Community College’s Department of Rodeo Studies, believes that the bull didn’t recognize the rider as a professional.  Says Haagerdäddi:

“Derrickson Hall had two disadvantages going into this contest, neither of which was his fault.  The first, obviously, was his Canadian citizenship.  I don’t know how many times I’ll have to say this: Canadians have no place in rodeo.”

When asked how Canadians will react to his statement, the professor sighs, “Oh, there’ll be a burning maple leaf on my lawn tonight.  It won’t be the first time.”

“Derrickson Hall’s second and more pronounced disadvantage,” the professor continues, “Is his unusual last name.  He’s got one too many.  In rodeo having two first names is so common place as to be de rigueur.  I can’t tell you how many Jesse Lees and Billy Joes have strapped on the spurs, but not too many Derrickson Halls.  And Makwala?  Well, you just can’t expect the bull to respect that, now can you?”

There are a great many others, however, who feel that this is more than one rogue bull trying to make his bones.  One organization which believes this way is NO BULL, a pro-humanist charity.  NO BULL’s spokesperson pointed to the alarming rise in goring, both among matadors in the bullring as well as idiots who participate in Spain’s famed running of the bulls.  “We feel that these recent events are not accidental, and that they are being directed by an unseen hoof.”

This Kill-Crazy Beast Ate Its Way Through Three Riders And Nine Rodeo Clowns Before It Was Finally Brought Down.

It’s too early to tell if bovine-on-human violence is a growing trend or merely a series of unfortunate coincidences.  Until we know for sure, it’s all eyes on the cows.

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Airbus, Alfred Hitchcock, badassery, Birds of a Feather, Blame Canada!, Bush Doctrine, Canada, Canadian geese, Chesley Sullenberger, competence, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., four legs good, geese, hero pilot, heroism, La Guardia, New York, North Carolina, pro-avian agenda, suicide attack, Sully, Sully Sullenberger, Terrorism, The Birds, two legs bad, US Airways Flight 1549

By Smaktakula
Note:  This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead?  Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches.  Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas,  several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City.  Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River.  Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds.  However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives.  Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined.  All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished.  However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack.  To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved.  Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese.  The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route.  The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes.  And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity.  These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement.  Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity.  That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign.  Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices.  The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all.  To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species.  As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world.  Don’t think they won’t do it.

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