Tag Archives: Poland

Headlines: Is There A Moose Under There?

02 Monday Dec 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, Religion, Sport, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Be On The Lookout For This Adorable Sex Criminal. His Most Frequent Tactic Is To Leave A Chew-Toy In Plain Sight On The Sidewalk. Victims Foolish Enough To Bend Over To Pick Up The Toy Told Police That By The Time They Understood What Was Happening, It Was Already Too Late.

In which we roll around in a great big pile of our own ignorance.

***

16 Grossest Things Parents Do for Their Kids ~ Bird parents puke down their kids’ throats. Try topping that.

In the mood for love? Signs that point to ‘yes’ ~ An erection, obviously.

This Couple Is Angry About Expecting Twins. Hear Them Out. ~ No, we’re with you. It’s almost as if God hates you, huh?

Deaf NY Starbucks Patrons Sue, Say They’re Mocked ~ Yeah, but how do they know, really?

Little Boy Makes Friends With Pope Francis ~ Ah. Little boys and priests, what could be sweeter than…wait just a damn minute!

Adding A Funny Caption Would Only Sully The Beauty Of This Moment.

‘I Thought I Was Ready To Lose My Virginity’ ~ Alas, being a virgin is a lot like being a hemophiliac: one prick and it’s all over.

Which ‘Housewife’ Is Worth $10K? ~ Studies show that the labor of the average homemaker is worth something like $120K annually. So the housewife worth $10K is a really shitty one.

How Not to Be Alone ~ Try to be a little less sucky.

Waitress Who Received Offensive Note Instead Of Tip Makes Awesome Move ~ She chalked it up to “people being assholes” and went on with her life? That would be awesome.

Tadeusz Mazowiecki, Polish prime minister, dies at 86 ~ Turns out he choked to death on one of the superfluous consonants in his name.

Seriously, You Could Put An Eye Out With That!

Analysis: Why Putin is backing Assad’s blood-soaked Syrian regime ~ Because Vladimir Putin is a creature of pure evil. This one’s not a joke, folks.

Gay NBA Player’s Hot Girlfriend ~ Wait…What?

Not Your Grandmother’s Skin Care? ~ I sure hope not. Whatever Grandma’s been using has shriveled her up like a prune.

13 Things Your Bartender Won’t Tell You ~ #8 “I think you’ve had enough, sir.”

WATCH: Newborn twins can’t stop hugging each other ~ Heh. That’s so gay.

Get A Room, Fellas.

Texas Plant’s Hazards Eluded Regulators For Nearly 30 Years ~ ‘Eluded?’ That’s a mighty fancy word for “ignored by.”

The sexiest film ever? ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ ignites passions ~ Well, V from Lame Adventures saw it with her buddy Milton and they both agreed it was just about the best darn movie ever made.

Moose die-off: 100,000 ticks on just one moose, is Lyme disease culprit? ~ Have you considered death by blood loss?

‘Chaplin: The Musical’ — The Little Tramp Makes It to the Great White Way ~ It’s from the brilliant minds behind such Broadway hits as Marcel Marceau: The Rock Opera and Helen Keller: In Her Own Words.

Why I never cheer while attending pro sporting events ~ ‘Cause I’m a joyless dick.

“Also, There Is No Santa Claus, Social Security Will Be Insolvent By The Time You’re Old Enough To Collect On It, And You Will Never Find True Love.”

Woman, 86, dies after running marathon ~ If you’ll consult the morbidity tables, we think you’ll find that statistically speaking she was every bit as likely to die after watching reruns of Murder She Wrote.

Talking feelings isn’t something Peyton Manning enjoys ~ Well, duh. Guess you saw the name ‘Peyton’ and thought he was a chick.

You’re a Gay Couple. Now What Do You Do? ~ I dunno, go to the movies or something. It’s not all that complicated.

The Alleged Rapist With a Possibly Inappropriate Nickname ~ He assaults AND demeans–a true double-threat!

Arkansas Man Wakes Up To Find Dog Ate His Testicle ~ We were going to make an Arkansas joke, but it’s just so sad how those people live.¹

Some Of Smaktakula’s Ancestors Found Themselves In Arkansas Shortly After Arriving In America. They Got The Hell Out, Of Course.

My partner is sending naked photos of herself to another man ~ Then she’s not really you’re partner, now is she?

War, What Is It Good For? ~HUH! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Well, that’s what you’re supposed to say, but war is actually good for a lot of things, such as the acquisition of new territory and resources, expanding a nation’s sphere of influence and as a means of population control.

Warning men about “gray rape” ~ Keep it under 55, scumbags!

Chris Farley’s friends remember: “His greatest love was the act of laughter itself” ~ Cocaine was a pretty strong second, though, followed closely by whores.

Don’t White People Kill Each Other, Too? ~ Yes, but only as a last resort.

However, Virtually All The Blood-Crazy, Spleen-Eating Whack-Jobs Notorious Enough To Get Their Own Lifetime Specials Are White Dudes.

***

¹Much love, CB! ∞ T.

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

Suck It, Las Vegas!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment, Music, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

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By Tardsie

We Took A Road Trip To Las Vegas! Don’t Worry, My Wife Drove.

My wife and I recently got back from Las Vegas, where we saw the Killers in concert on Friday night. It was an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime performance by a band at the top of its game and comfortably on its home turf. Here’s a clip from that kick-ass show (the song stops at 1:37 because a fight breaks out, then starts up again):

So we had a great time, both in Vegas and on the trip there and back, in which I got to visit a new medical marijuana dispensary and my wife got to stop at produce stands. As usual, I employed my foolproof gambling system to break even (my system is that I don’t gamble). But I don’t want to talk about how much fun we had on the trip or all the great memories we made–I want to bitch about Las Vegas.

How We Love To Hate You. Don’t Ever Change.

Here goes:

This place calls itself ‘Sin City’ while managing to keep a straight face. Apparently, the whole of the ‘sin’ experience begins with blowing your kid’s birthday cash at the craps table and ends with walking down the boulevard with a beer in your hand. So while you can bounce your eyes in time with the silicate breasts of leathery showgirls, you can’t actually have sex with them. You can get liquored up enough to drunkenly piss away in a few hours what you’ve worked a lifetime to build, but you can’t legally smoke a joint.

I Managed, Fortunately. Thanks To Vegas’ Constant Reek, They Thought I Was Smoking Harmless Tobacco.

And talk about a genetic clusterfuck! I’ve been to places like Georgia, Poland and Omaha, Nebraska–so you know I’ve seen some ugly people in my time, but never so many collected in one neon-ringed exhibit. Whether you’re dodging blubbery slugs on mobility scooters or avoiding the gaze of the shaking hardcase with the the 8:00 AM bloody Mary, Las Vegas has the power to make you feel special for achieving nothing more than an associate’s degree and a set of at least thirty teeth.

We Go Where The Beautiful People Are.

People claim they go to Las Vegas to have fun. Have you ever watched people while they gamble? You’ll see more human expression from Keanu Reeves playing an Easter Island statue in a made-for-TV movie. The rows upon rows of people at slot machines look like junkies in a shooting gallery, continuing to fix long after any sensation is gone.

But At Least You Had Fun, Right?

And lastly, it was cold! It’s the fucking desert, why is it cold? The response I always hear is that it’s cold because it’s the high desert. Bullshit–I was high as a motherfucker, and I still froze my ass off!

We’re Only Kidding Ourselves. We Can’t Quit You.

Stereotypes: What About The Good Ones?

27 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 14 Comments

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By Smaktakula

It's A Fact: Straight White Guys Dance Like Assholes.

For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were  believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of  “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.

Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²

There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.

You decide.

Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race?  It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.

These Stanford Cardiologists Take A Break From Their Busy Work Schedule.

Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.

"You Are The Dancing Queen/Young And Sweet/Only Seventeen"

The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.

There's No Call For This. Clearly, We're Letting Our Francophobia Get The Better Of Us.

White people–Even the most destitute piece of  poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers.  Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.

Although This Old Photo Proved An Embarrassment To Senator McWilliams of Kentucky, He Successfully Won Re-Election On A 'No More Immigrants!' Platform.

Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent.  “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture.  Also, they make great soccer players.

Illegal? Not In The Carpool Lane.

Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?

"Why Are You So Dirty, Stupid And Rude, Eh?"

The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.

How Do You Break A Pole's Finger?

Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.

But It's Not For The Kids To Play With, You Know What We're Sayin'?

¹Us, mostly. ∞ T.
²Irrespective of the truth, it’s what you’re supposed to say. ∞ T.
³Most Asians either know or suspect the truth, but will likely play along. ∞ T.