19th Century French Literature, bovine-on-human violence, Cat in the Hat, CDSA, childish sexual innuendo, China, cock, CockBlog, comical despots, comical spelling errors, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, craptastic eatery, curs, Donkey Kong, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, drugs, Duke, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fat people, female anatomy, Freddie Mercury, Fugeeman, George Sherrill, happy thoughts, hot and cold running chicks, Irene Folstrom, Islam, Jay Bush, Jean Valjean, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, K2, Les Miserables, madness, marijuana, Mauritanian Meat-Sword, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, Miley Cyrus, not what you were looking for?, old people, Olive Garden, Pakistan, pastaphilia, Pauly Shore, penis, penis-based racism, people of size, phallophilia, poor spelling, racism, rastaphilia, rave culture, Reverend Fred Phelps, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, senior citizens, sexy nurses, skankery, skankism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, Soylent Green, sweet sweet cheeba, the knacker, treachery, Turkish Tool, unctuous pimp, vagina, Victor Hugo, violence, virile He-Man, waddling grotesquery, Walt Stoelting, weed, Why am I so fat?, Wyclef Jean, your mother must be very proud
Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For? In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed.
You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For? Conversely, you might really dislike it. It’s not for us to decide.
promeethean times And wee’re off!
cock riders The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.
unemployment lazy Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.
skankist You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks. In the meantime, please enjoy.
sexy dick in mouth non Oui!
obama rethinking marijuana Will he rethink that rap video?
be glad you’re not that guy Oh, we are.
sexy man spaghetti Um.
anti george sherrill You’ll find a home here, friend.
jay bush bean prison If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail. And for Duke, the glue factory.
athretes Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.
michael lohan cock Isn’t he though?
fred phelps secret The secret is that he’s a raging homo.
fat people running Hmm, there’s something about this . . .
children running of the bulls spain . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem.
donkey cock Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?
walt stoelting blog Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.
wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide Oh, very clever. We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables. Actually, that is pretty clever. And pointless.
pauly shore weed It would explain a lot.
safe horse fuck movies We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.
miley cyrus delusional Totally.
abigail folger Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?
the violence and madness of arab muslim Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out. We can’t help you.
nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh. Good . . . very good. Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing. TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!
beautiful dreadlock guy He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.
pakistani penis Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link. How about some Turkish Tool? No? Mauritanian Meat-Sword?
elderly remote Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote.
penis in bosses mouth Shh. Hush now, Boss. Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.
dirty mullet Is there any other kind?
happy thoughts Happy to oblige!
drugged raver Fish in a barrel, man. Fish in a barrel.
lorena bobbit and bull penis We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find. No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.
live aid Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What? He did? How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things? We’re so, so sorry.
asshole hairstyles So do you mean . . .? No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole. Pretty sure.
k2 inhalants Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.
black man cock Really? In 2010? Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis. We do judge by length and thickness, however. You have been warned.
vagina Okay, this one’s a fake. It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.
Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!
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In the tradition of such illustrious space-wasters as Brian “Kato” Kaelin and Kevin “K-Fed” Federline, unctuous pimp Michael Lohan has managed to keep food in his belly by crafting a persona famous for being semi-famous. Lohan, no doubt a subscriber to the maxim, “All Roads Lead To Branson,” evinces no embarrassment that his appropriated “career” is supported only by clinging pathetically to his out-of-control offspring with all the tenacity and class of a Calcutta fare-dodger.
With Lohan’s bottom bitch in rehab following a short stint in jail, the talentless remora’s earning power has been drastically curtailed. Typically, a cockroach will exhaust all means of escape when caught by surprise on a brightly lit kitchen floor. Periplaneta lohanis, a rare but particularly unpleasant sub-species, displays a markedly perverse tendency to do the opposite. Rather than flee, Lohan is attracted to anything bright and shiny, scurrying from spotlight to spotlight in a desperate effort to wring every last drop from his fifteen minutes of unearned notoriety.
In a recent interview Lohan gushed, “I definitely blame myself and take responsibility for where my daughter is.” It is extremely unlikely that Lohan would be so quick to take responsibility for his daughter’s actions if doing so carried with it any consequences. However, since soul-searching self-recrimination costs Lohan nothing, and is unlikely to deprive him of his freedom, he can use it as a sop to the five or six people who have somehow managed to convince themselves that this leering cretin has in any way his daughter’s interests at heart.
It is certainly true that Lohan, abetted by his despicable ex-wife Dina, was a thoroughly shitty parent, and Promethean Times would like nothing better than to assign to Lohan the blame not only for the ruination of his own daughter, but also for such varied disasters as the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, the Challenger Explosion, and greenlighting New Coke.
Moreover, you can bet that no one holds Michael Lohan more responsible for the former starlet’s wretched condition than does his daughter, who has demonstrated a nearly sociopathic refusal to accept responsibility for her actions. Nonetheless, it must generally be agreed that at some point a 24-year old woman is responsible for her own disastrous choices. With only two or three years at most left to live, Lindsay would be well-served to spend her remaining days judiciously. Although such an outcome is unlikely, the younger Lohan can be thankful at least that her father cannot live her life for her.
Despite his staggering lack of either merit or talent, Michael Lohan stands head and shoulders above the teeming legions of Hollywood hangers-on. It’s no feat to be hated by your ex-wife, and neither does the animosity directed at Lohan by his own offspring set him apart from rank-and-file deadbeats throughout the world. Rather, it is his perverse compulsion to share with the world through the miracle of the 24-hour news cycle his complete and utter failure as a father, husband and human being that catapults Michael Lohan into stratospheric company among the world’s elite paragons of cretinous douchebaggery.