Hell yes it is.
AmericInn, Aberdeen, SD. Monday, 03.26.12 11:59 AM CST (Cretin Standard Time)
Tardsie calls the Front Desk.
T: Hi. This is room 204, I’m running about ten minutes late. Do you think I could get a late checkout?
FD: Well…what are we talking about here? Like 12:15?
T: I just need about ten minutes…but yeah, 12:15 would be great.
FD: Because checkout is at noon.
T: Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m calling.
A few months ago I applied for a job as a sales-rep/customer liaison with a company with which I had previously had some dealings. It was a part-time thing, working the phones from home. Because of my skill set and my previous dealings with the company, I was pretty sure I’d earn an interview. I liked the company, and was interested in working for them in some capacity, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to sacrifice my evenings.
So when the president of the company called me (it’s a small outfit) for an interview, I didn’t really feel I had anything at stake, and had never been so relaxed in an interview. Although I make it a point in any interview to impress the person to whom I’m speaking (it’s an interview, after all), I try to present a pretty honest–if selective–picture of myself, and never so much as in this interview. I was candid, unguarded and, I thought, fairly plain-spoken.
Toward the end of the interview, the president offered me a rather left-handed compliment. I was initially pleased when he complimented me on my “authoritative voice,” polished manner of speech and extensive vocabulary. But then, as he transitioned to the next point said, “But I guess you can talk normal when you want to.”
I didn’t get the job.
A few years ago, I was at Rite Aid picking up a few essentials for a trip. As he rung me up, the clerk asked where I was going.
“Ireland,” I told him.
“That’s cool,” he said, then asked, “So are you gonna fly there or drive?”
Unsure if he was joking, I was too stunned for a moment to answer. When I was finally able to speak, all I could muster were the words “Drive to Ireland?”
“Yeah,” he said sagely, answering his own question, “Ireland is too far to drive.”
alien abductions, America's edge in stupidity, brilliant dirty weirdos, hygiene, ignorance, national stupidity, places that suck, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, Soviet Union, space program, UFO abductions, United States of America, USSR, Why am I so stupid?, Yuri Gagarin
The United States is universally lampooned for among other things its hyper-religiosity, the public’s embarrassingly prevalent belief in alien abductions and for the inability of one-fifth of its population to locate the nation on a map. Labelled for so long as ignorant by the rest of the world and by elite, self-loathing Yanks, many Americans have come to accept as true their global inferiority in all matters intellectual. However, in what is sure to be welcome news to Americans, it appears that the Russian people may be even more dim-witted and liquor-dissipated than their hygienic Western counterparts.
This assertion is bolstered by the news that in Russia–Russia! The nation that beat the US into space!—1 in 3 adults believes that the sun revolves around the earth.
critical thought, gay people, hate, hypocrisy, imaginary bigotry, intolerance, Political Correctness, shut up you fool!, thinkin' 'bout stuff makes my head hurt somethin' turrible, Why am I so stupid?
Or, How I Learned To Stop Thinking And Talk Louder
Nothing feels so good as being on the right side of an issue. You’re for gay marriage, and you want the whole world to know (in fact, that’s largely the point). That’s cool, friend, you know which way the wind is blowing, and you don’t want to be caught on the wrong side of popular opinion. We understand. We don’t respect it, but we definitely understand.
The problem is how you go about it. You’re trying so hard to show the world that you value freedom and individual liberty and that you despise the tyranny of conformity. Unfortunately, by aping Soviet-era denunciations or McCarthy-esque accusations, you’re really just demonstrating an embarrassing inability to grasp concepts more challenging than a sound bite.
Please stop using the word hate to describe people who don’t agree with you. We’ll talk about what hate IS in just a moment, but for right now, here’s what it’s not: hate is not disagreement. If someone fails to ringingly endorse your lifestyle, it means they disapprove. Hate is when that person wants you removed from society, even as a concept. Having a preference against something is not now, nor has it ever been hate. This can’t be the first time you’ve had that explained to you.
Perhaps this illustration will help. Now, I believe that polygamy should be legal. Do you? It’s all right if you don’t. But for the very many of you who don’t feel this long-standing cultural practice should be legal, let me ask you–do you hate polygamists?¹ It’s seems a stupid question doesn’t it? Of course you don’t–you just don’t support their lifestyle. Why then do you make allegations of hate at people who fail to endorse the gay lifestyle? (It’s because you’re not very smart).
Folks, one of the things about making adult decisions in our own lives is being able to live with the consequences of our actions, whether or not we get approval from our peer group. You say you’re proud of yourself and have nothing to be ashamed of. Why then is it so important that society validate you? Some news about complete and total acceptance: It ain’t coming, buddy–no matter how you choose live your life, not everybody is going to like it. Another part of being an adult is understanding this.
So we’ve established that holding an opinion contrary to that which is politically correct is not, in and of itself, hate. Well, then just what IS hate?
I Know Where I Am, But How Did I Get Here?
We’re so glad you asked. Let’s talk about Uganda, just one of the many countries around the world where gay people have to deal with real hate. You may ask, “So do gays in Uganda also face the horror of potentially hearing disapproval of their lifestyle?” Indeed they do–with the added inconvenience of occasionally being slaughtered for being gay. Now, that’s got to hurt some feelings!
We’d heard similar stories from Iran, but apparently they’re false, as we were informed that no homosexuals exist in Iran. We asked around, and to a man or woman, every individual told us he or she was 110% straight, hated gay people, and wished we would stop asking them these questions and please go away before the religious police saw us talking to them and started to get ideas (which would have been wrong, they were quick to remind us, as Iran is completely free of the gay).
And if America’s 2012 victims of “hate” could somehow be transported to Europe in the Spring and Summer of 1945 as the Nazi camps were liberated, I’m not sure that any of those few surviving individuals from Berlin’s once-thriving gay scene would be quite as moved by the plight of 21st Century gay Americans. Should you ever find yourself in this position, we recommend not telling this recently liberated individual how much Dan Cathy’s hurtful words “burn you up.” That means something entirely different to him.
Hating The Haters: We Hate Their Hate
This issue is personal to me. Now, I support the right for gays to marry (and I tell you this not so you’ll think better of me–your opinions aren’t even your own, so why should I care what your smarter, better-educated friend thinks of me?–but to remove one more intellectual obstacle in the hope–however vain–that you will be able to work yourself through this), but my very conservative grandmother does not. By the standards of your shortcut logic, that means she hates gays.
You should know, however, that for many years my grandmother took a variety of people into her home–teens, bums, single mothers, bachelors–anyone who needed it. I recall that one of them was a young gay man who lived with my grandmother long enough to graduate high school. I won’t speculate on what would have happened to the young man had she not taken him in for a few months, but it’s safe to say she made a great difference in his life and potential future.
Have you done as much as my Bible-thumping grandmother, or is lip-service enough to give you that warm glow of righteousness? Does it disturb you even a little bit that such a bigoted person has been of far more service to “the gays” than you have?
So when you call my grandmother a bigot or a hater, you’re not only demonstrating an inability to think critically about what you say, but also that you’re intolerant. I’ll admit it–it is painful for me to listen to you talk, because in terms of actual reasoning ability, you’re not much more advanced than a grade-schooler (I’m not saying it to be cruel; go back to the polygamist analogy–really, you should have been able to come up with that one on your own). Does that make me better than you? Absolutely it does. But I don’t hate you.
Sadly, there IS hate in America. As hard as it might be to believe, there are people who despise other people simply because of what they believe, who call names and shout epithets, who believe that people with these beliefs should be denied employment. But friends, when you can finally learn to put aside your hate and let people believe what they want to believe, America will be a better place.
So let’s stop misusing hate before we completely strip the word of all its meaning, the way we did long ago with ‘love.’ Instead, why don’t we all worry a little bit less about whether somebody else likes us or approves of the way we live our lives, and just get about the business of living those lives.
Barack Obama, Democrats, don't vote stupid, dope, grass, hypocrisy, marijuana, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politicians, pot, Republicans, sweet sweet cheeba, the reefer, thinkin' 'bout stuff makes my head hurt somethin' turrible, United States of America, weed, Why am I so stupid?
Although Promethean Times tends to regard all office-seekers as suppurating anal abscesses until they can demonstrably prove otherwise, we are constantly amazed that so few people feel the same. Now, nearly EVERYBODY claims they hold politicians in contempt–complaining about the government is fun and easy after all. But if you begin to name specific politicians, these same people will almost always hold in exception those one or two politicians whom they believe are, unlike all the others, really trying to serve America’s needs. “Oh…well, not Senator Schmidlapp. He really tries to do good things for people.” No, he tries to steer federal funding to his state so that (if he’s ‘clean’) he can secure reelection, or (in the likely event he’s dirty) make some of his cronies rich.
If there’s any better indication that your pet pol is a douchebag, it’s that he (and we don’t mean to exclude lady politicians–those plucky gals have achieved a level of suckdom every bit as pronounced as that of their male counterparts) lies to you constantly. In fact, that’s why you vote for him.
Take Obamacare, for example, having inflamed the public once again in light of the Supreme Court’s decision upholding the plan. Two very distinct narratives have emerged from Washington. To know which of these very different scenarios your politician blindly adheres, you need only to look at the letter after his name.
If there’s an R after his name, then it’s a sure-fire guarantee he favors the tableau of a morally bankrupt America which has been decimated by socialized medicine, more akin to the grey homogeneity of the Soviet Bloc than to the America remembered by the true patriots. Obamacare is the end of life as we know it.
Not so, say the Democrats. If your boy has a D after his name, he believes that Obamacare is the only salvation for a bloated, moribund nation fattening itself on its own entrails. Not only will this miracle panacea halt America’s precipitous decline, but it will rapidly replenish the nation’s coffers, cut down skyrocketing medical costs, and transform America into the Care-Bear land of cuddly goodness it was always meant to be.
So are the Republicans right? The Democrats? Maybe something in between?
Here’s what we know, folks: We don’t know. There may be plenty of good reasons to support or oppose this legislation, and it is not unrealistic to believe economic models can predict Obamacare’s effects with some degree of accuracy. But that’s it–it’s a guess, either way. An educated guess? Sure–but a guess nonetheless.
Now, that’s not true–Smaktakula–I’ve seen statistics that show… ~ Yeah, but did you understand them? No you didn’t. You’re trusting an economist who did the number crunching for you. Hey, he might be right–but you don’t know for sure.
Socialized medicine has been tried in other countries and… ~ And this is different. It’s a different plan in a different country. It could work just fine here, or it could be a bust. It’s okay to have an opinion, but remember–you don’t know.
Because of Obamacare, children born today can expect… ~ Okay, now you REALLY don’t know.
So you don’t know for sure. Why then, do you believe your politician does? Do you suppose he’s smarter than you are? Have you heard these people talk at any length without a teleprompter? They’re ALL Joe Biden.
So while he may have formed an educated opinion (or just as likely not) as to whether Obamacare will deliver the nation to a magical pixie-land of unending happiness or consign us to the dustbin of history, he really can’t be any more certain of it than you.
Why then, do our politicians on both sides of the aisle and their pet journalists discuss this significant issue with a certainty that would make the most brainwashed cultist look like a half-asser? It’s because they’re turds–turds who have no respect for your intelligence. So please, have a little for yourself and don’t vote stupid.
Another Anthem For Doomed Youth (Apologies to Wilfred Owen) or What I Saw At Albertsons The Other Day
On My Transcendent Awesomeness
Amelia Earhart, Australia, Bashar al-Assad, Cher, China, Egypt, Ethiopia, headlines, Home Depot, Kim Kardashian, Michael Bloomberg, New York, porn, RFK, Sirhan Sirhan, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Stonehenge, Syria, the French, TSA, Uganda, Why am I so stupid?
Cher ticks off Australian city ~ Heretofore merely a domestic shame, the braying pop-relic has transcended the bonds of regional effrontery to become an international offense.
World’s oldest known pottery discovered in China ~ Archaeologists contend that despite its antiquity, the remarkable find is every bit as lame and boring as modern pottery.
NY man admits to pouring bleach into children’s milk ~ Mayor Bloomberg personally arranged for his release, arguing that at zero calories, bleach was a healthy alternative to high-calorie sodas.
Here’s a Photo of Lightning Striking the Empire State Building Yesterday ~ What a rare and beautiful sight! You know, lightning only strikes the ESB 500 times a year.
Kim K. doesn’t know what ‘virgin’ means ~ To be fair, virginity isn’t something she’s had to worry about since she was nine.
Earhart’s Anti-Freckle Cream Jar Possibly Found ~ Forcing the FDA to reevaluate the claims made by the manufacturers of ‘disappearing creams.’
Joyce Maynard Adopted Two Girls from Ethiopia Then Gave Them Up ~ She was only doing what she thought was right. If they’re under the weight-limit, you’re supposed to toss ’em back.
Attorneys: Sandusky’s adopted son says he’s also a victim ~The kid’s adopted, so at least they can’t throw incest into the mix.
Report: Syria leader’s wife says she’s ‘real dictator’ ~ Ladies, we need your help with this one: Given that the wife of mass-murdering nastyman Bashar “Basher” al-Assad claims that SHE wears the jackboots in that family, are we okay in calling her a cunt?
Looking for Pedro Hernandez ~ Have you already checked the parking lot of Home Depot?
Porn star claims butt is hers~ No one’s quite figured out how to break it to her that her ass is now public domain.
Men really DO like dumb, drunk women! ~ Ladies, it’s nothing against intelligence–really! It’s just that the drunker & stupider you are, the more likely you are to give it up for us. That’s all.
Mystery of Stonehenge solved? ~ Most likely not.
French president defends early Afghan withdrawal ~ Yeah, but he’s got a speech already prepared. The French are no strangers to leaving the game before the whistle blows.
Woman gets naked at airport ~ Making the pat-down for the guy behind her very awkward.
Earth Day initiatives becoming commonplace ~ But no less tiresome.
RFK assassination witness tells CNN: There was a second shooter ~ The witness later recanted, confirming that there had in fact been only one shooter. Explaining his confusion he said, “I thought there were two different guys named ‘Sirhan.’ My bad.”
Woman, child survive mauling by cheetahs ~ Seriously impugning the feline’s claim to be the fastest land animal in the world.
Egypt official says election results to be released Sunday ~ The families of election officials to be released Monday.
TSA Agents Discuss My Mother-in-Law’s ‘Crotch Area’ ~ Hardly. What you overheard was them discussing the crisis in Uganda, which they rightly described as “a foul, unnecessarily hairy hot-spot, stinking of corruption.”
Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, Dr. Robert Titzer, Federal Trade Commission, Lottery tickets, malt liquor, playing the lottery as an investment, shitty parents, stupid people, the dumbs, Why am I so stupid?, Your Baby Can Read
It turns out that your baby may not be able to read after all.
The tiresome do-gooders at the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood have found a new way to make the world just the teensiest bit safer: by highlighting the dangers posed by Your Baby Can Read, an As-Seen-On-TV educational system which purports to teach infants and toddlers to read. The activist group filed a complaint last year with the Federal Trade Commission, alleging that the product’s misleading claims could confuse dimwitted-parents–the very group whose offspring are most at risk to be afflicted with ‘the dumbs’–who might construe them as factual.
Your Baby Can Read is the brainchild of edu-hustler Dr. Robert Titzer, who claims that the brains of infants and toddlers are especially receptive to reading education. Furthermore, Titzer claims that a narrow window of opportunity exists in which to access a child’s higher learning capabilities, capabilities which have atrophied by the time at which most children begin to receive formalized schooling.
Opponents say these claims are laughable, citing as evidence an NBC study, which suggests that while very young children may be able to memorize word patterns, their tiny, underdeveloped brains lack the capacity for true comprehension. Activist groups contend that these misleading claims entice parents to spend their hard-earned money on an essentially useless product.
After a thorough review of the evidence provided in the NBC study as well as independent research, it is our opinion that the claims of groups like the CCFC are correct: Your Baby Can Read appears to be of little or no value as a means of establishing within a child a life-long love of reading. Despite this, the campaign against Your Baby Can Read is misguided. Granted, thousands of well-meaning parents are ponying up hard cash for this dud, but remember–every dollar spent on this scam is another dollar not spent on cigarettes, malt liquor and lottery tickets.
al Qaeda, Belgium, childish sexual innuendo, crazy Japanese porn, Evil Ones, Lisa Ling, mind the gap, natural selection, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, stupid people, warning labels, What does this button do?, Why am I so stupid?
Natural selection is the process by which external forces eliminate nature’s weaker elements, leaving a more genetically advantageous stock to breed. This phenomenon is experienced throughout the animal kingdom, not only by simple creatures like sea anemones, butterflies and Romanians, but by Homo sapiens as well.
In days of yore, individuals with desirable qualities reaped the rewards of society, and had awesome sex with one another. Likewise, the cretinous ticks lining society’s blighted underbelly, afflicted with undesirable qualities like shortness, endured poor and miserable lives, forced to seek their pleasure with other undesirables, or as was frequently the case, with themselves. Throughout the long march of human history, a steady refinement in the species permitted quantum jumps in our development in the 19th, 20th and now 21st Centuries.
Humanity made the world its bitch; no river was so vast that we could not dam it, no peak too great to scale, no creature we could not slaughter. Humanity learned and adapted; yesterday’s pernicious scourge became tomorrow’s quaint historical curiosity–just ask smallpox. In humanity’s golden age, those who might in the past have died at birth grew up to live happy, productive lives, free of many of the day-to-day woes of generations past. The species has reached a stage in its development where it strives for comfort, rather than simply to survive. No longer is our survival dependent upon continuously adapting to an ever-changing world; the world must now adapt to us.
However, it is impossible to pick up one end of a stick without also picking up the other, and likewise, humanity’s circumvention of natural selection brings with it attendant consequences. No longer is it the sole domain of the fit to survive; the unfit may also live. More than that, the unfit may thrive. For every Stephen Hawking, whose marvellous brain and groovy voice are a fair trade for efforts in keeping alive a man God clearly intended to die, there are scores of able-bodied half-wits who would have walked in front of a subway train years ago if not for the numerous and strategically placed signs and bright red lines to discourage such action.
Given the rapid dilution of quality throughout the civilized world, the globe’s great nations have become sluggish and saturated with nincompoopery. This phenomenon is evidenced in the United States’ predilection for professional “wrestling,” Japan’s love of bizarre porn, and the mere existence of Belgium. Already the slack-jawed halfwits are out-breeding intellectuals by a ratio of 46:1. Having already taken most public-sector jobs, it is only a matter of time before the cataclysmically stupid saturate all areas of the workforce.
Make no mistake–this societal devolution delights the Evil Ones. The enemies of all that is righteous and good would like nothing better than to see the West expose its soft flank. Al-Qaeda, for instance, has repeatedly demonstrated a nearly superhuman patience; it will be no great thing for such shadowy organizations to lie in wait until the society is too enfeebled to resist an attack.
The solution is clear. It is paramount that governments not only do away with these society-enfeebling warning labels, but also that they take specific action to reverse the damage that has already been done. Rather than label electronic devices “Unsafe in Water,” manufacturers would serve the public interest by tagging them as bath toys. Zookeepers could do their part by not harassing visitors who wish to pet the Siberian tiger. Our sad march to Moronville will not be stopped until every box of Comet toilet cleanser proudly proclaims ‘Tastes Great On Salad!”