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Monthly Archives: September 2013

More Things We Believe

24 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 24 Comments

Tags

bad parents, Batman, Ben Affleck, censorship, critical thought, cryptids, El Chupacabra, Fox news, Franz Ferdinand, Mexican goat-sucker, MSNBC, short people, shortness as proof of God's wrath, these things we believe, unremitting virginity

By Tardsie

We Don’t Believe In The Chupacabra, Mexico’s Infamous Goat-Sucking Cryptid, But We Kinda Wish We Did. It’s Hella Cool.

***

If you find yourself in agreement with your political party more than 90% of the time, we believe that your unwillingness to engage in critical thought should preclude you from talking about politics except with similarly myopic partisans. If we need your opinion, we’ll get it from Fox News or MSNBC.

There’s A Real Good Chance That At Least One Of These Guys Will Tell You Exactly What You Want To Hear.

***

We don’t think a dude should marry a gal just because he gets her pregnant. However, we believe that decorum dictates he subsequently refrain from knocking anyone else up or marrying them for a period of not less than twelve months.

‘Cause It Starts To Get Expensive Pretty Quickly.

***

If your stars are aligned so perfectly that your biggest complaint is the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman, then we believe yours is truly a charmed existence.

Are You Sure You’re Angry Because He’s Playing Batman? Or Is It Because Ben Has Known The Joy Of A Woman’s Touch, While You Are Mired In Your Ongoing But Unsuccessful Thirty-Five Year Battle With Virginity? Just Checking.

***

My 5-year-old boys like the song Evil Eye by Franz Ferdinand. The other day we were watching a televised performance of the song when one of my boys asked me why the sound went out briefly. I explained that there was an adult word in the song, “shit,” and that the boys shouldn’t use it. They had listened to the song dozens of times, but hadn’t heard the word until it was bleeped. The purity police didn’t bleep the word “bastard,” so my kids still don’t know THAT’s in there.

We believe that censors too often bring attention to that which they seek to hide.

***

We believe that short people should be treated with kindness. After what God did to them, it’s really the least you can do.

Buck Up, Runty! The World Will Always Need Jockeys.

***

We Believe All Kinds Of Stuff!

These Things We Believe, Part The First

These Things We Believe II: Don’t Stop Believing!

Headlines: Get On Your Knees And Fight Like A Man

20 Friday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Adam Jones, Afghanistan, Alaska, Andrea Barber, Argentina, Ashley Tisdale, Brazil, Cambodia, Chechnya, China, chubby chasers, dope, Egypt, Florida, ganja, Grenada, headlines, hemp, Iraq, Ivory Coast, John Kerry, Kim Kardashian, Kimmy Gibbler, left-handed people, Libya, Lollapalooza, marijuana, Mexico, Miley Cyrus, North Korea, Pakistan, Panama, pot, pr0n, Rangoon, reefer, Robin Thicke, Rome, Rwanda, Serbia, Sri Lanka, sweet sweet cheeba, Syria, the French, Tim Tebow, Vietnam, Vincent Van Gogh, weed, Zetas, Zimbabwe

By Smaktakula

How Conceited Are The Folks In South Haven?–They Clearly Believe Their Shit Don’t Stink.

You can read the articles if you want. We didn’t. We’re just talking about the headlines.

***

  • 11 Social Security Mistakes People Make ~ The biggest one is assuming it will meet your post-retirement financial needs. That’s not a joke. That’s free advice.
  • Fla. girl who lost feet in lawnmower accident takes first steps on prosthetic legs ~ She’d better get used to those things quickly; that lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
  • Smaller Testicles Linked with Caring Fathers ~ Also known as ‘mothers.’
  • Health: Why I Would Vote No On Pot ~ “Because I’m a dick!”
  • Kim Kardashian on arrival of new baby girl: ‘Can’t believe it! It’s so crazy!’ ~ It seems nutty to us as well, but since you’re over 21 and haven’t been convicted of a felony, we guess you’re entitled to take that baby home if you want to.

“HHHHHHUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!”

  • Did Robin Thicke’s Wife Confront Miley Cyrus? ~ Oh my God, I’m sure I don’t know and what’s more, I couldn’t care less.
  • Men charged with attempting to bribe judge in Zetas case ~ In Mexico, being charged with bribery means that your bribe was insufficient.
  • New Vincent Van Gogh painting ‘Sunset at Montmajour’ surfaces ~ You really think that’s new? ‘Cause we’re not so sure.
  • Losing a Tattoo, Gaining a Tumor ~ “Oh, you know what? I think I’m gonna keep the tat for right now.”
  • What has Adam Jones been doing since he’s not walking? ~ Well, as you know, he’s been hard at work with his therapist in the desperate hope that he might someday regain the use of his legs. Dick.
  • Two men reportedly punch girl, 11, for Lollapalooza beach ball ~ Sounds pretty shitty, we know–but not to worry, the 11-year-old told us that prior to the assault, she had a ball.

Which Hurts Worse, The Pun Or The Beating? Oh, RIght…The Beating. Yeah, That Was A Stupid Question.

  • Alaska serial killer tied to at least 11 deaths, FBI says ~ Holy shit! That’s like half the state.
  • Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too ~ And she will! Which is the whole reason young men go to college in the first place.
  • TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life. 
  • AP Analysis: Egypt enters uncharted territory ~ False. Egypt has moved very little in its long history, and it’s pretty well mapped-out.
  • The full-figured fitness instructor ~ Does not fill me with confidence.
  • My daughter took a girl to prom. Why did I let it bother me? ~ Because it’s just one more dashed hope that Dakota will follow in the family tradition of getting knocked up by graduation.

Why Not Make EVERYWHERE A ‘Walk Of Shame?’

  • Ashley Tisdale’s Stalker Won’t Leave Her Alone ~ Yeah, but if he did, what kind of stalker would he be?
  • 11 Little-Known Facts About Left-Handers ~ #6 They eat babies. We could have told you that.
  • Having It All Without Having Children ~ Pretty much the only way you can have ANYTHING is to not have children.
  • French sperm count ‘falls by a third’ ~ But it still tastes a lot like Béarnaise sauce.
  • Sorry, men and women probably can’t be friends ~ Do friends have occasional intercourse? Because if so, I think it’s totally workable.
  • Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina. And Grenada. And Cambodia.  And Panama. And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam. And China. And Serbia. And Brazil. And Iraq. And Ivory Coast. And Libya. And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan. And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

  • What Your Car Says About Your Personality (You Might Be Surprised!) ~ That you’re a fool who entrusts his sense of self to an inanimate object that cares not one whit whether you live or die. 
  • Hiker lost in the Andes for four months lived on rats and raisins ~ It’s amazing the lengths to which some people will go just to survive. Seriously, raisins are fucking gross.
  • 3 Quiet Museums in Rome ~ Ha! No place is quiet in Rome. Oh. My. God. Those people don’t ever shut up.
  • You Found Your 13-Year-Old’s Porn Stash. What Should You Do? ~ Wash your hands with soap, scalding water and steel wool.
  • Tim Tebow to pursue ‘lifelong dream’ after release by Patriots ~ Gay porn–and lots of it!
  • Iranian officials take to Twitter to wish Jews a happy new year and welcome … ~ IT’S A TRAP!!!!!

Honestly, This Is A Little More Their Style.

  • Testosterone Trick Leaves Wives Speechless ~ A magic ‘shut-up trick?’ We’re listening.
  • Smile: USA ranks 17th among world’s happiest countries ~ We’d rank higher, but some of those European countries are counting “gay” as happy.
  • Man Arrested for Killing 13-Year-Old Girl Made One Huge Mistake ~ Other than taking the life of an innocent child, you mean. Another huge mistake.
  • She’s fat, and I’m not ~ That makes you a chubby-chaser. There’s nothing wrong with that.
  • Man shot after performing forced fellatio ~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.

Put The Gun Away, Bro–You Had Me At “GET.”

¹You didn’t know about that one? Hell, folks–we’re still there. ∞ T.

The Evangelical Victory Association

16 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Philosophy, Religion, True-Ass Tales

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

cult leaders, doomsday cults, Eva Chaos, harems, Jim Jones, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales

By Tardsie

In Which My Girlfriend Cruelly Mocks My Aspirations, And We Each Learn A Little More About One Another.

Many years ago, I remarked to my then-girlfriend Eva how awesome it would be to be the leader of a bizarre cult. Being a profoundly lazy man, I’ve always envied the life of leisure such a vocation would afford, living tick-like off the social security checks of others. My time would almost entirely be spent fornicating with my harem, cherry-picked from among my broken and attention-starved devotees.

Few Products Have Had Such A Profound Effect Upon The Cult Industry.

Eva tossed my dreams aside like soiled Kleenex. “Every guy I’ve ever dated has wanted to be a cult leader,” she said.

So Is That Normal, Ladies? Or Does It Say More About Eva’s Taste In Men?

Although Eva was, and is, a hell of a gal and a great girlfriend, the off-handed comparison to her previous paramours rankled me, not least because of her baffling inability to readily discern the many, many qualities which better suited me to cult leadership than any of those other losers. For one thing, I was way better looking than those dudes, and equally as important, I made a whole lot less money, two indispensable qualities for a deranged, would-be-messiah.

Poverty: It Keeps You Hungry

Eva’s air of smirking smuggery began rapidly to fade as I related to her my plans for the hypothetical cult. In fairness, the majority of my notions were every bit as prosaic as she’d indicated: enriching myself through plundered bank accounts, using my disciples like indentured servants, and of course, boundless oceans of frightening, quasi-ritualized sex. But the kicker was when I told her I’d name the unholy enterprise after her–the Evangelical Victory Association (EVA), which would provide us some deniability as a legitimate church. I’d come up with that final detail entirely on the fly, but as it happened, it was the thing which sold the story.

“Deprogram.” When It’s A Cult, You Say “Deprogram.”

Once I’d finished, I waited for Eva to laugh. She didn’t. Instead, she stared up at me, seeming suddenly very small, her stranger’s eyes hard and bright. When she spoke, her voice was deliberate and her tone carefully measured. “You’re scaring me,” she said.

So If You Think About It, I Moved You In A Way That No Other Man Could.

Dedicated with much affection to that most bestest of exes, Eva Chaos. ∞ T.

This Day In History: September 11, 2001

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

2001, 9/11, Antwerp, Belgians are evil!, Belgium, don't hate us because we're ignorant, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, September 11th, Twin Towers

Hussein Waves To His Adoring Fans From The Porch Of His Boyhood Home In Antwerp.

On which nefarious Belgian nastyman Saddam Hussein kicks America in the nuts by singlehandedly bringing down the Twin Towers.

No Way. Not Us.

The Silent Reckoning

09 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Philosophy

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

Dungeons & Dragons, reckoning, revenge

By Smaktakula

I can’t help but be disappointed by the notion that I’ll never be able to say to someone in anger:

“There will come a reckoning!”

“Let The Earth Itself Call Out Your Suffering, And May The Heavens Weep For You Great, Bitter Tears!”

For one thing, it sounds a little goofy, like you spent too much time as a kid playing Dungeons & Dragons in Grandma’s basement. Secondly, if someone’s owed a reckoning, I don’t want that fucker to know about it until it’s too late.

You Better Reckonize.

Oh, The People You’ll Meet…In Juvie

05 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Philosophy, Stupidity, True-Ass Tales

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', choking the chicken, devil's handshake, douchebaggery, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, flogging the dolphin, Jani Lane, juvie, masturbation, misspent youth, punishment, Remann Hall, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Warrant

By Tardsie

And Possibly Assault Or In Turn Be Assaulted By.

When I was seventeen I did something that earned me thirty days in Remann Hall, a juvenile detention facility in Tacoma, Washington. It was pretty serious, and I was lucky in the end to just get the thirty days–in an absolute worst-case scenario I might have done twenty years. As it was, this experience nearly prevented me from graduating high school and subsequently starting college that fall. However, as things have a way of doing, everything turned out all right in the end.

The experience was profound: a watershed moment in my life, and I can trace who I am today in part to my days in Remann Hall.  I carry them with me still.

After All These Years, I Still Dream About It Sometimes.

I think a lot about the people I met in that place: the broken children–a collection of feral Lost Boys in a cancerous Never-Never Land, with only their dead-end futures on the horizon; and our keepers, the only-slightly-less broken adults who, through a series of poor vocational choices had come at last to serve as essential but interchangeable gears in that remorseless, child-devouring machine.

No, I Told You About THAT In A Different Post. We Won’t Be Rehashing It Here.

There was the small, gray public defender I had for about thirty seconds before my mom scraped up the money for a real lawyer. The PD couldn’t be bothered even to pretend any concern over my fate at the hands of the legal system, but still managed to give me advice which I regard as invaluable to this day. “Don’t tell them anything,” she urged me, “Just keep your mouth shut.”

‘Inaction’ Indeed. You Get What You Pay For, Folks.

One of the guards was a big black dude who had supposedly played a couple of years in the NFL. Everybody called him Brobocop, just not to his face. Brobocop didn’t like anybody, but he took an inexplicable–and obvious–dislike to me. He was invariably a contemptuous ass on those occasions when he would speak to me, and I quickly learned to avoid him to the extent that I could.

Somebody told me that the reason Brobocop had it out for me was that he thought I was a phony. He saw my sunny disposition, good manners and polished diction as a front, merely the affectations of a clever con. For a long time I accepted that explanation. Now that I’m older, and know a little bit more about people, I wonder. I sometimes think that Brobocop knew quite clearly that I didn’t belong there (which is not to say that I didn’t deserve to be there; I most certainly did), and just didn’t care.

It’s White, Sir. My Fat Ass Is White.

The very first kid I met in juvie had the cell across from mine. He was there for molesting his little sister. “I didn’t do it, though,” he said. I told him I was innocent as well. The place was full of liars.

There was only one girl at Remann Hall when I was there, although I think there may be more now. I don’t remember her name, but I remember that she was beautiful: even in the baggy blue jumpsuit they made her wear you could tell she had gifts. She had bright red hair, so exuberantly springy that it typically defied her attempts to pull it back and fell about her face, which was pale and comely, highlighting lush lips. A swath of sunny freckles ran just below her eyes, which were blue and bright. She was sweet and funny, and the handful of times we were together (and never, ever alone) the minutes burned away too quickly. She was such a lovely girl.

You Should Probably Keep In Mind, Though, That At This Point I Hadn’t Seen A Woman In Quite A While.

She was there because she had killed her father, a charge that she never denied. So far as I know, she never gave a reason for it. One of the guards told me that they’d asked her repeatedly if her father had abused her in any way–she said he hadn’t–and I could sense a little bit in the guard’s voice how much he wanted that this girl should say something–anything–that would make her not guilty of this terrible crime. I wasn’t the only one who thought she was special. I don’t know what ever became of her, but she’s still breaking my heart a little all these years later.

Some of my memories are funny. There was one kid who told everybody he was the half-brother of the lead singer of Warrant (he had said “brother” until someone pointed out that they didn’t share the same last name). I didn’t know the first thing about Warrant, and didn’t think he was the lead singer’s brother anyway, but along with others who couldn’t have believed it any more than I did, honored the fiction by mutual consensus. Sometime after I got out of Remann Hall, with Warrant now on my radar screen, I finally saw an image of the band on MTV (which played music videos at the time). I’ll be damned if that kid from juvie wasn’t the spitting image of now-deceased Warrant frontman Jani Lane.

Dude, Did We Do Time Together?

Among all the fading faces of that long-ago place, there remains only one to which I can still attach a name: a scrawny, twitchy half-wit who gained some notoriety throughout the wing through his unpredictable–and often disturbing–behavior.  He was the juvenile delinquent iteration of the creepy paste-eating first-grader, and he would tell lies so fantastic that I don’t think he even intended that we should believe them. His bizarre behaviors were myriad, and had assumed the status of legend around the cell block, but the thing he was best-known for was sticking his dick through a small opening in the cell door and whacking off into the hallway. And that’s the reason I still remember that crazy fucker’s name and probably will until I die–his last name was Pettit.

Get It? Do You Get It?

Overheard In The Bathroom At An Erasure Concert

03 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Music, True-Ass Tales

≈ 37 Comments

Tags

acceptable racism, Andy Bell, crystal meth, drugs, Erasure, fun with stereotypes, ice, Margaret Cho, Me so funny!, methamphetamine, racism, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, Vince Clarke, we love Erasure we just can't help it

By Tardsie

You Wouldn’t Normally Expect To See A Lot Of Gay People At An Erasure Show, But Life Is Stranger Than Fiction Sometimes.

Several years ago I was at an Erasure concert in Southern California. After the opening act, a painfully unfunny set by comedienne Margaret Cho which mainly consisted of mocking her immigrant mother’s English¹, I headed to the bathroom before Erasure took the stage.

“It Not Racism. It Edgy Comedy. Me So Funny!”

Unusual for a guy’s restroom, the toilets were abuzz with conversation. The topic was Margaret Cho.

“I didn’t think she was very funny,” somebody said.

“Give her a break,” somebody else said. “She was all right.”

Then one guy asked, “Didn’t she used to have a really big crystal meth problem?”

To which a disembodied voice replied from the depths of one of the stalls, “Oh, honey–didn’t we all?”

I’ve Been *Mostly* Successful In Avoiding These Activities.

¹Don’t get me wrong, folks–I enjoy making fun of non-English speaking people as much as the next guy–and probably a whole lot more–but there seemed no point to this, no examination of cultural differences, no clever interplay on Old-World vs. New-World customs, just “my mom is such a dumb foreigner.” ∞ T.

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WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

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